Showing posts with label Family Fights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Fights. Show all posts

Sunday, May 26, 2019

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips


Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication


Introduction to Resolving Conflict in Families


Conflict resolution has a basis in many disciplines, including psychology, mediation, communication, human relations and even law. In this blog, we will look at conflict resolution in the family from a communications perspective. Communication may both trigger conflict in the family and be a means of resolving fights that go bad. Be sure to check out our other blog on conflict resolution in the family, entitled Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict.

In J. Rothwell’s text on Communicating in Small Groups and Teams, he looks at how to shape groups within the work context. We will look at the family as a group, and how you can help influence your family to become more supportive, which will help reduce the likelihood of family members being triggered into conflict, and help increase the chances of resolving conflict with and within your family. No one wants to be in a home with escalating conflict, so read more to learn some theory and techniques to help you resolve conflict in your family.

Conflict Communication in Families


The above text referred to Jack Gibb, who found patterns of communication that can end up leading to conflict. Specifically, he identified patterns of communication that instigate or decrease defensiveness. Defensiveness has been defined as “a reaction to a perceived attack on our self-concept and self-esteem”. See more information about defensiveness on our blog entitled Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships.  Defensiveness goes to the root of how we feel about ourselves (see our blog on How to Be Self Confident) and how we relate to others. The more defensiveness we feel (both in ourselves and from others), the more conflict we will experience.

The Goal is to have a Conflict Resolution Family


Instead of allowing defensiveness to take precedence in our family relationships, we need to foster supportive communication patterns, which invite cooperation. 

1. Do Describe Positively; Do Not Evaluate Negatively 

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. 
Helen Keller

Some cultures focus on blaming individual’s rather than taking group-responsibility – such is the case here in North America. This culture of blame might even be worse with what has been described as Online shaming: the return of mob morality.  On the contrary, some aboriginal cultures, for example, believe that transgressions by an individual must be addressed with the entire community taking some responsibility (see our blog on Restorative Justice Principles).

In the family setting, it’s easier to blame someone else when we make a mistake than it is to take responsibility. It might be easier to blame someone else as we might be reacting in anger or we may feel embarrassment for what we did and may simply not be ready to take responsibility. The danger with this is that it can create a more hostile and unsupportive environment that will in turn lead to more blame and negativity. This behaviour will only backfire when you later become the recipient of it. The research mentioned in the above text focuses more on workplace environments, but it could be applied equally to families – the more we negatively evaluate others, the more defensiveness that results.

Alternatively, describe family members positively, including with praise, recognition and flattery. If you need to address behaviour that did not work for you, or made you uncomfortable, follow these ideas:
  • Use “I feel” messages, or at the least, messages from your perspective and not others
  • Describe behaviours in a neutral and specific manner, avoiding generalizations
  • Avoid disguised insults (ie. I feel like you are a bad husband or I feel like you hate me)

2. Do be a Problem Solver with others; Do not be Controlling

“He who agrees against his will, is of the same opinion still” 
Samuel Butler

When we tell people what to do, it is likely to lead to the 4 R’s: resistance, resentment, retaliation and revenge. The 4 R’s may have an undercurrent of what is called Psychological Reactance, being “the more someone tries to control us by telling us what to do, the more we are inclined to resist such efforts, or even do the opposite”.

To prevent a defensive family environment, we need to focus on cooperatively solving problems rather than controlling others. A great way of doing this is by following the steps in our blog entitled Constructive Confrontation.

3. Do have Empathy, Do not be Indifferent

Empathy begins with understanding life from another person's perspective. Nobody has an objective experience of reality. It's all through our own individual prisms. 
Sterling K. Brown

We are indifferent with family when we simply don’t care what they have to say. We might be looking at them when the speak, but we might not be reflecting or thinking about what they are actually saying. When we do not acknowledge someone else’s communication, we are said to have an impervious response (see Sieberg and Larson, 1971 cited in the above text).

Instead of being indifferent, we must show empathy to our family members, which means showing true care and concern for them. Rothwell’s text emphasizes the importance of trying to see the other people’s perspectives and to act accordingly. This is likely to create a more supportive environment, where conflict is less likely to occur, and more conflict resolution is possible.

4. Do treat others as Equals; Do not act Superior 

Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. 
Ellen DeGeneres

Hopefully, these types of attitudes are not happening in your family, or you may be in a destructive relationship. However, one way that it might be more possible to see this superiority problem, is in how parents may treat kids as being inexperienced or unknowledgeable due to their age. Acting superior to your children might lead to resentment, and may decrease communication with them. Even if there are many things you may still need to teach them, communicate with them showing trust in their competence. Who knows, they might even surprise you!

5. Do use Provisionalism; Do not use Absolutes

Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness. 
Khalil Gibran

Have you ever been with someone who tells you something that they believe to be true, but you have more information to invalidate their version of the truth? When we speak with complete certainty, we might instigate defensiveness in others. Another example is speaking with a relative who completely dismisses other’s perspectives, treating them as stupid. We know that someone is speaking in absolutes when they use the terms always, impossible, never or forever.

Alternatively, we might want to consider (see, we are using provisionalism in this statement) qualifying statements with possibly, perhaps, maybe, etc. Through provisionalism, we can side-step struggles to win in an argument. When we give freedom for other people to have a valid and valuable perspective, we can lessen the chances of defensiveness, and create a more supportive environment for communicating effectively, and resolving conflict.

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication 

Conclusion of Resolving Conflict in families 

The big lesson here: avoid doing stuff that will frustrate and anger people! Defensiveness will lead to more defensiveness, and will escalate conflict.

We hope that this blog provides you with some ideas to prevent conflict in your family so that it does not happen in the first place. Family fights can have a big impact on you and the other members of your family. If you already experience high conflict in your family, try to shift patterns from defensive to supportive. Be sure to see our other blogs to address conflict in your family.



 

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication 

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Amicable Divorce


Amicable divorce has advantages over fighting in court

Is there such a thing as friendly divorce? We think so. This blog is about how you can move past revenge towards a friendly divorce.
Mediate2go: Top 10 Songs about Divorce

If you are experiencing a divorce, check out our blog on the Top 10 Songs about Divorce and Top 10 Songs about Conflict. In addition, if you haven’t decided if you should divorce or not, read this blog about choosing whether to divorce and mediate.

Introduction to Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce satisfies needs

Family mediation is one of the most popular forms of amicable divorce available to parties. Amicable divorce provides a means to prevent what some people label as the problematic approach of family litigation. For many, family litigation is inflexible and fails to satisfy parties’ true needs. “In comparison with more formal, legal and adversarial processes, [family] mediation is characterized by an informality and mutuality that can reduce both the economic and emotional costs of dispute settlement.[1]

Amicable divorce is flexible

Mediation is often more appropriate than litigation, given that parties are not required to follow a strict set of rules, and parties achieve emotionally satisfying results because the process has been designed to satisfy these unique needs. Amicable divorce still takes into account and must respect legislation and regulations that guide family law, but provides increased flexibility to parties to come to an amicable solution.

Differing views on amicable divorce

Some people have questioned the benefits of amicable divorce, some calling it “the good divorce myth”. In a news article from 2014, the DailyMail noted a study that questioned whether mitigating family conflict had any improved impact on children (see Amicable Divorce). Specifically, they stated that divorcing couples that try to remain friends to help their children would have little positive impact as a result of this strategy. On the contrary, much research has been done that encourages parties to reduce the level of destructive conflict between one another to benefit their children. This research, which encourages conflict resolution, does not state that couples breaking up must be friends per se; rather, but rather they must reduce the level of conflict (see also conflict escalation).

Benefits of amicable divorce and family mediation with songs

Amicable divorce helps you take care of yourself – Divorce can be one of the most difficult times for a family unit to endure. When you are kind to yourself as a divorcing parent, you will be more effective at managing yourself on a daily basis through this crisis. Family mediation provides a way for you to peacefully resolve your marriage break-up so that you may better satisfy your needs. The court system and family litigation process is not designed to help you take care of yourself.



Amicable divorce helps you learn how to address conflict – Through participating in an amicable divorce process, you may learn new skills to address conflict in your relationship with your ex, in addition to your relationships with other people. The skills you practice in an amicable divorce can help you address issues in the future. Read more about the benefits of Alternative Dispute Resolution.



Amicable divorce helps you find happiness and change – “if your marriage fails, you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, hurt, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams” (CMHA). Amicable divorce might increase the chances that you can again, satisfy your deeper needs and interests. Instead of focusing your energy on competition, arguing and fighting with your ex, amicable divorce through family mediation allows you to quickly find a way to move on.



Amicable divorce helps you prevent emotional turbulence for your children – “During a divorce, parents can do a lot to ease the child’s transition. As a divorcing parent, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems” (APA). Through amicable divorce, your children are less likely to be exposed to on-going, damaging conflict. Check out our detailed blog about managing and coping with divorce effectively when children are in the picture.


What does amicable divorce look like?

Family mediation 

Parties request the help of a neutral third party known as a mediator. The mediator works with each party to identify and clarify their deeper needs during a pre-mediation session. The second part of the process is the actual mediation, where the neutral third party helps parties identify shared concerns, exchange information, brainstorm solutions and come to an agreement. Read more about the benefits of mediation services and how ADR can help. Do you want to try it out? Find a mediator.

Collaborative law

In this process, parties would each retain the services of a collaborative lawyer. The lawyers would do their best to help parties achieve an out-of-court agreement. Failing this, the parties would be required to retain other lawyers, so as to encourage the collaborative lawyers come to an amicable solution. 

Conclusion – Amicable Divorce

Overall, amicable divorce will help you get better results than you might expect from court (in many cases). Family mediation “has produced better-quality results for both children and parents than litigated rulings.[2]” The goal of amicable divorce is to satisfy parties in many ways.

Mediation has the goal of ensuring that the parties’ human needs are met and goals achieved.[3] In this view, mediation aims to reduce the pain that parties experience as a result of intractable conflict. The mechanics of the flexible and informal mediation process help parties reduce the emotional and economic burdens of parties in dispute and the use of public resources to settle these disputes through the court.[4]

If you are faced with divorce or separation, consider trying a different approach. In the end, you are likely to save money, time and also your relationships. 
 

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Also see our blog on the Top 10 songs about conflict – 2014.

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014 - Find a mediator

1)     Justin Bieber - Where Are U Now



This song says a lot about divorce. The person who leaves the relationship often has days, weeks or months to prepare to leave the relationship. In this song, Justin Bieber talks about how he “gave [his ex] faith, turned [her] doubt into hoping.” This may be a normal reaction for a spouse who did not initiate the separation or divorce. While ‘the initiating’ partner has ample time to process the emotional pain of the end of the relationship, the remaining partner has yet to go through this difficult grieving process.

Couples should seek the help of a therapist, especially if they have children. They can also talk to their mediator about options, and whether they feel that they are ready to go through a family mediation process. Some people prefer the more amicable divorce process of alternative dispute resolution to more expensive family litigation processes.

2)     Ariana Grande - One Last Time



This song is about adultery and moving on. Sometimes relationships end due to adultery. The partner who committed adultery might seek forgiveness and another chance to fix the relationship, even if the other person has moved on (see letting go of the past). This song shows how someone might want to continue trying, even if it is only for the short term. This is part of the grieving process – denial. Even if you “take the person home” [get back together with your ex], you are likely to feel more pain. If you are in this situation, be careful to not stay in a destructive relationship.

3)     Andy Grammer - Honey, I'm Good.



This song is about loyalty, staying true to your partner and preventing divorce. Unfortunately, many relationships end due to infidelity – which is what the lyrics, in some ways, try to prevent. “Trying to stay true” translates to fidelity. If you have made a mistake, you can always learn how to fix a relationship – what to talk about or whether to choose divorce or family mediation.

4)     Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband



This song is about expectations and fighting fair in relationships. We might have idealistic views and impose our desires of our partner. If our expectations are not realistic, we may eventually seek divorce or separation. Why does divorce happen? Usually, it’s not about the smaller things, like not “buying groceries” or “seeing your family more than mine”. Couples often divorce because one partner has been resenting feeling lonely, or they have not succeeded in resolving conflict effectively (see the blog on why couples divorce).

The song also discusses the need to “Just apologize” “After every fight”. While Meghan Trainor asks for an apology even if she is wrong, it shows the importance of resolving conflict effectively in relationships and fighting fair. It’s important to avoid blame and the desire for revenge. The same goes for the divorce process - parties should seek mediation services to fight fair (Family Fights: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict).

5)     B**** Better Have My Money (Rihanna)


The song is about conflict escalation and divorce settlements. It represents the nasty side of divorce when parties choose to go to court rather than to mediate (and use ADR). Rhianna takes an aggressive and exaggerated approach to getting her money. Even if the money is owed after a divorce, an aggressive approach is likely to backfire. We recommend that parties try mediation, because mediation offers various benefits that encourage parties to jointly resolve issues together, saving them time, money and frustration (see Benefits of Mediation).

6)     Florida Georgie Line – Sippin’ on Fire



This is another song about cheating. Florida Georgie Line speaks about the passion and desire of the human heart, and the unfortunate realities of people going “round the truth” – meaning: continuing an extra-marital relationship without deciding whether to stay in the relationship or to leave the relationship.  The song says “Every goodbye is bittersweet, So why should we fight what we both need?”

Often, individuals in relationships have sexual desires, but they do not feel at ease or know how to be honest and open with their partner. They avoid the confrontation and fail to seek the help of a marriage therapist to facilitate communicating their needs and working through their feelings. Instead, they continue the affair, which usually leads to divorce or a destructive relationship.

7)     Nick Jonas – Chains


This song is about being in a destructive relationship. Let’s face it, some marriages should never have started, let alone continue for years. This song is about being comfortable with discomfort, and staying in a relationship that keeps us in “chains”. If you are in a destructive relationship, read about it and seek help from someone who cares about you or a marriage therapist.

8)     Sia – Elastic Heart



This song is about moving on. No matter the challenge you face during divorce, you are resilient and can face any challenge with the right amount of support. Even if your partner leaves you, you are not broken. As Sia says, continue to “fight for peace”. This song encourages adaptability in times of change, extreme pain, and grief.

9)     Rachel Platten – Fight song



This song is all about gaining self-confidence after a difficult and destructive conflict. Rachel discusses a more adversarial approach to conflict “with power’s turned on”. Although the lyrics are positive in many ways, (“starting right now I’ll be strong”) a more aggressive approach to divorce might lead to further conflict escalation. This isn’t to say that confidence is a bad thing. We all need confidence, especially after divorce or separation. Use this song to motivate yourself to move on, but still try mediation services to ensure that everyone’s interests are met.

10)   Pharrel Williams - Happy



This song signifies the goals of alternative dispute resolution and amicable divorce –to help parties resolve their conflict, move on and feel happy again. Life is too short to dwell on the past. Happiness is to be felt by parents and children alike. If you are able to focus your energy on finding a new and effective way to communicate with your divorced partner, you are more likely to feel happy in your new life. In addition, your children will have an easier time adapting to this new familial reality. There are many benefits to mediation services, so what’s the harm of trying it out?


Sunday, August 30, 2015

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

How to Talk to Kids about Separation & Divorce

Do you want to learn how to help kids cope with divorce? Coping with divorce isn't easy for anyone, especially children. Read this blog about helping children cope with divorce.
Mediate2go: How to Talk to Kids about Separation & Divorce

How to cope with divorce - for parents

Telling children that their family will no longer live in the same home is one of the most difficult parts of ending a marriage or relationship. There’s no easy way to do it, but there are definitely better and worse ways.  How and what you say is definitely dependent on the age of your kids. 

Consider these DO’s and Don’t for pre-teen kids

THE DON’Ts…
  • Don’t tell lies or make promises you don’t have control over. “Daddy’s leaving but he’ll be back” sets them up for more pain down the road.
  • Don’t give them information they can’t handle. Children do not benefit from knowing the details of who felt wronged by whom.
  • Don’t say that Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore. This is in the TMI category; it makes children wonder if their parents will stop loving them one day.
  • Don’t be negative or blaming of the other parent. This can be very HARD sometimes, but it is simply in the best interest of the children for each parent to support the other whenever possible in front of the children. I’m seeing a lot of parental alienation lately, with parents turning children against the other parent. It’s a very disturbing trend and is sure to lead to conflict escalation.
  • Don’t ask the kids to choose a parent to believe, love, or live with. That’s a terrible position to put them in, and far too much power for a child to manage. Children need to feel free to love all the people who support them, whether you like them. In general, adults should make decisions about where children live.
  • Don’t assume that they’re fine. If they don’t say a lot, ask them what they’re wondering about and feeling. Remember to practice your skills in active listening.
 The DO’s…
  • Do tell them together if possible, in a caring, supportive way.
  • Do tell them only when there will actually be changes that they will see. Young children who don’t have a sense of time will be confused if you say Mommy’s leaving and then she doesn’t. Tell them when you have information about what changes will be happening and when.
  • Do tell them that it’s about Mommy and Daddy (or Daddy and Daddy, or Mommy and Mommy, of course), not about them. “Sometimes parents decide not to live in the same house anymore.  But we will both always be here for you.”
  • Do answer their questions. In general, kids only ask questions they’re ready to hear the answers to. But be careful not to give negative information about the other parent (read the blog: don’t let fights go bad).
  • Do help them explore what will be different or the same, what friend’s have had parents separate, and what they think they will need in order to make it as smooth a transition as possible. This can empower them to get what they need to manage in the difficult time ahead.
  • Do minimize the number of changes in the child’s life. Splitting a family is one thing; moving schools or neighbourhoods is additional stress.
  • Do watch the children closely for signs of stress (change in temperament, school struggles, shutting down or aggression) and seek professional advice if you need it.

Conclusion about Talking to Kids about Separation & Divorce

I believe that having children together is a good reason to work hard at a marriage, and I also believe in the right we all have to decide who we are married to. Read all about when to divorce, separate and mediate, or to try therapy. I believe that, more than needing parents to be together in the same home, children mostly need parents to be happy and mutually supportive. You have the power to give your children those gifts (be sure to read our blog on confidence and conflict resolution). These are just some ways to help children cope with divorce.

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.


Thursday, June 12, 2014

Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict



Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends to deal with family fights, from a problem solving perspective.
I have often thought of making this into a flow chart…think of it as such.  The process starts with the question… “Whose problem is this?”  at the top of the page.  If it is something that has you upset, it’s your problem.  If your partner is upset about something, it’s their problem, and if both of you are upset, then it’s shared.  The important part of starting with this question is that everything that happens after this…your role in the process…depends on whose problem it is.  Many problems are made worse when we forget this simple step and act as though the problem is ours when it’s not.

Step 1 The person with the problem will need to determine the size of the problem, in order to determine whether it is something that needs discussing.  Try to put problems into a basket!!!
Step 2: for the person without the problem:  If the problem is your partner’s…all you really have to do is listen openly so that you can understand.  Make this your only goal to start.  Put away the defending and the “yes…buts’”.  Don’t say a word until you believe that you understand and calmly restate what their concern is.  You can ask questions if you don’t get it.  An example… Person A says “When you say you’re going to take out the garbage and you don’t…I get frustrated with how it builds up. It smells bad.”  Listen, then maybe ask “Do you mean that you expect me to do it every week or that you want to know whether I realistically have time, and if I don’t…I should say so?”  And so on until it is understood.  The listener can remember that there is no expectation that miracles will happen…the speaker just wants to be heard most of the time.  Nothing needs to be fixed necessarily…just heard.
Mediate2go.com has everything you need to try to have a peaceful discussion with someone else. It's free, so sign up today!
Step 3: for the person with the problem:  Okay, back to the first question…if the problem is yours, and you have determined that it is in basket B… State the problem calmly, without accusatory tones or words (avoid words like “fault… never…always…blame”).  Avoid swearing, yelling, name calling, put-downs (you won’t… and shouldn’t .. get heard if you do this).  Try a formula of “When you ____, I feel ___ because ____.”  
Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com
Remember that no one causes your emotions.  The problem is a problem because your personal reaction defines it as such… someone different may be more tolerant of certain behaviours.    Simply state the problem.  You don’t need to drive it into the ground.  They heard you and your words have more power if they are simple and clear.  If there is something specific you expect them to do that is serious (think basket C) you can make clear strong statements about your expectations…but no threats.  But remember, you can’t make them do anything, so focus on your clear and respectful delivery, and not your expectations.  Any time your goal is about getting someone else to do something differently, you’re in for trouble.
Step 4:  If the Problem is Shared:  This is the tricky part.  You both are upset and both trying to be heard.  Often times, a problem starts out as one person’s and becomes shared and more complex when the expression of the problem becomes part of the problem (“Sure I forgot the garbage again, but did you have to overreact like that and dump it all over the yard?”)  If you have followed the steps above, fewer things will fit into this category.  But if you’re already there…it’s a process of taking turns speaking and listening.  Think of it as two separate problems and treat it as such, using the process above.  Put yourself back in that sandbox and remember to share the time and take turns listening… if you want to be heard, you have to listen too.


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Some general DON’TS:  
  • Don’t tell your partner what to do.  Commands are not respectful.  
  • Don’t attack.  
  • Don’t roll your eyes or get sarcastic (Oh…okay well I’ll do the garbage every freakin day then…how’s that?”)  
  • Don’t bring up the last twenty times they did the same thing, or the time they insulted your mother and you’ll never forget it…it’s called ‘kitchen sinking’ to bring up past problems.  
  • Keep it to the present situation.  
  • Don’t tell all your friends about the issues in your marriage.  
  • Don’t bring things up when you’re about to sleep and it’s dark.

Some general DO’S:  
  • Do find out when it’s a good time to discuss a problem.  
  • Do keep it brief.  No long lectures.  
  • Do scale the problem first…”this is a 2 out of 10, so it’s not a biggie…” This helps shrink a problem before you even talk about it.  
  • Do take a time-out if you feel you’re going to explode (time outs are not about ditching the issue though…state where you will be and how long it will be before you will be ready to discuss it.  
  • Do address very small items in front of the kids so they can see you resolving it, but save the biggies for private talks.

Know your partner and yourself and what you both need.  Talk about your conflict resolution process and what things work and don’t for both of you.  Check out blogs and websites about "fighting fair", "family fights" and "fighting families", like this one.  And do consider consulting with a therapist if the pattern is stuck and your wheels are spinning.
Search: #Family-Fights, #Family-Fighting, #fighting-families, #Divorce, #Family-Mediation



Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication Introduction to Resolvin...