Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends to deal with family fights, from a problem solving perspective.

I have often thought of making this into a flow chart…think of it as such.  The process starts with the question… “Whose problem is this?”  at the top of the page.  If it is something that has you upset, it’s your problem.  If your partner is upset about something, it’s their problem, and if both of you are upset, then it’s shared.  The important part of starting with this question is that everything that happens after this…your role in the process…depends on whose problem it is.  Many problems are made worse when we forget this simple step and act as though the problem is ours when it’s not.

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Step 1:  The person with the problem will need to determine the size of the problem, in order to determine whether it is something that needs discussing.  Try to put problems into a basket!!!

Step 2: for the person without the problem:  If the problem is your partner’s…all you really have to do is listen openly so that you can understand.  Make this your only goal to start.  Put away the defending and the “yes…buts’”.  Don’t say a word until you believe that you understand and calmly restate what their concern is.  You can ask questions if you don’t get it.  An example… Person A says “When you say you’re going to take out the garbage and you don’t…I get frustrated with how it builds up. It smells bad.”  Listen, then maybe ask “Do you mean that you expect me to do it every week or that you want to know whether I realistically have time, and if I don’t…I should say so?”  And so on until it is understood.  The listener can remember that there is no expectation that miracles will happen…the speaker just wants to be heard most of the time.  Nothing needs to be fixed necessarily…just heard.

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Step 3: for the person with the problem:  Okay, back to the first question…if the problem is yours, and you have determined that it is in basket B… State the problem calmly, without accusatory tones or words (avoid words like “fault… never…always…blame”).  Avoid swearing, yelling, name calling, put-downs (you won’t… and shouldn’t .. get heard if you do this).  Try a formula of “When you ____, I feel ___ because ____.”  

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Remember that no one causes your emotions.  The problem is a problem because your personal reaction defines it as such… someone different may be more tolerant of certain behaviours.    Simply state the problem.  You don’t need to drive it into the ground.  They heard you and your words have more power if they are simple and clear.  If there is something specific you expect them to do that is serious (think basket C) you can make clear strong statements about your expectations…but no threats.  But remember, you can’t make them do anything, so focus on your clear and respectful delivery, and not your expectations.  Any time your goal is about getting someone else to do something differently, you’re in for trouble.

Step 4:  If the Problem is Shared:  This is the tricky part.  You both are upset and both trying to be heard.  Often times, a problem starts out as one person’s and becomes shared and more complex when the expression of the problem becomes part of the problem (“Sure I forgot the garbage again, but did you have to overreact like that and dump it all over the yard?”)  If you have followed the steps above, fewer things will fit into this category.  But if you’re already there…it’s a process of taking turns speaking and listening.  Think of it as two separate problems and treat it as such, using the process above.  Put yourself back in that sandbox and remember to share the time and take turns listening… if you want to be heard, you have to listen too.

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Some general DON’TS:  

• Don’t tell your partner what to do.  Commands are not respectful.  
• Don’t attack.  
• Don’t roll your eyes or get sarcastic (Oh…okay well I’ll do the garbage every freakin day then…how’s that?”)  
• Don’t bring up the last twenty times they did the same thing, or the time they insulted your mother and you’ll never forget it…it’s called ‘kitchen sinking’ to bring up past problems.  
• Keep it to the present situation.  
• Don’t tell all your friends about the issues in your marriage.  
• Don’t bring things up when you’re about to sleep and it’s dark.

Some general DO’S:  

• Do find out when it’s a good time to discuss a problem.  
• Do keep it brief.  No long lectures.  
• Do scale the problem first…”this is a 2 out of 10, so it’s not a biggie…” This helps shrink a problem before you even talk about it.  
• Do take a time-out if you feel you’re going to explode (time outs are not about ditching the issue though…state where you will be and how long it will be before you will be ready to discuss it.  
• Do address very small items in front of the kids so they can see you resolving it, but save the biggies for private talks.

Know your partner and yourself and what you both need.  Talk about your conflict resolution process and what things work and don’t for both of you.  Check out blogs and websites about "fighting fair", "family fights" and "fighting families", like this one.  And do consider consulting with a therapist if the pattern is stuck and your wheels are spinning.

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Moving on - Letting go of the past

Mediate2go.com: Moving on, Letting go of the past. WabiSabitherapist.com

Lynda Martens, WabiSabi Therapist is a Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends how to "move on". From the Mediate2go.com perspective, you might have been asked to attend mediation. This article is worth a read to help you gain perspective before the session. In addition, it might be useful after the session.

We sometimes get stuck in angst or resentment about something painful that happened in the past.   It could be anything from an argument with a sibling or a betrayal of trust, to a lost love or the death of a loved one.  Fixating on the past keeps us from fully living in the present…and it doesn’t change the past. We also don't feel a sense of inner peace.

Although you can’t change what happened, you can change the way you think about it and the amount of energy you devote to it.  You can learn to move forward.

Here are a number of questions that might assist you in moving past whatever it is that happened…

Mediate2go.com: Moving on, Letting go of the past. WabiSabitherapist.com

• Are you avoiding an emotion?  Sometimes we fear that the intensity of an emotion (like feeling abandoned, shameful, unimportant or powerless) will devour us or incapacitate us, so the stuckness helps us avoid that feeling.  Can you be brave enough to feel the pain/loss/shame of what happened and move through it?  Is it possible that letting yourself feel the emotion will be less devastating than you fear?
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• Are you stuck asking yourself ”why?”…  Sometimes things happen that make no sense to us and we spend years trying to figure it out.  “Why” questions are not easily answered…so they’re generally useless.   Ask yourself whether you need to know why in order to move on.  Is it possible to accept that you will never know why?  Can you accept the powerlessness of not having your questions answered?  Is not knowing why reason enough to keep you from moving forward?  Ultimately, you decide your own WHY…you get to come to whatever conclusion you want.  Try to come to a conclusion that isn’t harmful to you!!

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• Do you blame yourself for what happened?  Sometimes when bad things happen we think it’s our “fault”, and our stuckness is about not feeling deserving of moving on to a happier place.  Can you have compassion for your imperfection and any mistakes or decisions you made?  Can you let others take responsibility for their own decisions and part in the situation?  Does punishing yourself make anything better for anyone?

• The fear of something recurring can keep us from getting past events that were hurtful.  When someone does something that hurts us, we do deserve to have it made better, if we are in a relationship with them.  We can’t make that happen, but we can ask for what we need from them.  Avoid constantly bringing up the mistake or the hurt…this  can actually erode any trust that is attempting to be rebuilt.  For example…your loved one breaches a trust and you fear that it will happen again.  You are unsure if you can trust them again.  There is no answer to that question “can I trust them?”.  Trust is a decision…an act…a verb.  You either choose to trust them or not.   So, while the past should inform us about what someone is capable of, if you want a relationship to work, it is necessary to forgive and move on if we want that person in our lives. Also, see the blog about What to talk about in a relationship.
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• Did something happen that you continually replay in your head?   Did you suffer a trauma and are having flashbacks or body memories?  This situation can be assisted by a qualified therapist.  Memories are important and should be honoured and listened to for what they have to teach us, but a therapist can help you work with the memory to add elements of control and healing.
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• Forgiveness.  Sometimes we stay stuck because we can’t ‘forgive’.  Do you think that forgiveness is about saying something someone did is “okay”? It doesn’t have to be…we can choose to view forgiveness as a decision not to “let someone off the hook”, but to simply stop carrying around all the hurt and resentment.  Forgiveness is about deciding that carrying around the hurt doesn’t help; it’s about accepting that we cannot alter what happened. Visit mediate2go.com to learn how to initiate a conversation about forgiveness with a loved one.
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• Sometimes we get stuck in the past because we keep recreating it.  We can’t get past someone’s  hurtful behaviours because they are still happening… that person is still in our lives.  When they happen again, we feel flooded with all the old emotion about the hundreds of times we felt that way.  If we can’t get past something (like disrespect) because it keeps happening, then the question becomes what are we still doing in that relationship?  We can’t always have emancipation from family members, and here we can only accept people for the flawed being they are if they ignore our please for change.  But most of the people in our lives are there because we let them be…we choose who to surround ourselves with.  If someone cannot respect you, how can you at least respect yourself?

Visit mediate2go.com to learn how to initiate a conversation about moving on with a loved one. Also, visit Lynda Martens, WabiSabi Therapist to ask for services and read her blog.

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Search: #moving-on, #finding-peace, #finding-myself, #finding-happiness, #letting-go, #moving-forward, #being-a-lawyer-sucks, #when-to-leave-the-legal-profession.