Conflict Resolution -Top 8 tips to resolve conflict

Conflict Resolution -Top 8 tips to resolve conflict

Conflict Resolution -Top 10 tips to resolve conflict from Mediate to Go

Introduction to Conflict Resolution

Man must evolve for all human conflict, a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Definition of Conflict

What is conflict? Conflict means “discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles”, and an “incompatibility or interference, as of one idea, desire, event, or activity with another”  (Dictionary.com). Other words for conflict include collision and opposition. Conflict often leads to a great deal of pain, leaving people wanting inner peace.

Areas and levels of conflict

Conflict can take place in interpersonal relationships within the family and in the outside world, and at various other levels, including intrapersonal conflict (conflict within the self), departmental, organizational, community-based, regional-based, national and international conflicts.

Often, conflicts take place at varying levels at the same time. For example, you might have a conflict at work with a colleague, but at the same time, the organization, by failing to address the issue right away, creates a conflict between yourself and the organization. Here are some examples of levels of conflict in an organizational setting.

Conflict Escalation

The most challenging part of conflict relates to conflict escalation. Typically, conflict escalates between parties so that issues become bigger than necessary, parties become increasingly angry with one another, they focus on blaming each other and issues become increasingly complex and difficult to resolve. Even if parties want to fix the relationship, it becomes increasingly difficult.

Ways to address conflict. Formal vs. Informal (alternative dispute resolution)

In many areas of life, the traditional way of resolving an issue was to fight in court. Whether its divorce or a workplace dispute, parties would file a complaint or an action in court to address the issue. This type of approach, including labour arbitration, is adversarial, rights based and more formal. Parties ask a third party to make a decision, often leading to a win-lose situation. Read about the differences between mediation and arbitration. On the other hand, conflict resolution is now more about alternative dispute resolution, this means issues are addressed outside of formalized processes. Parties try to fix their relationship and resolve issues in a non-adversarial way, and only resort to a formal approach if the informal is unsuccessful.

Top 10 tips to resolve conflict

1. Don’t avoid the conflict. You might fear conflict and confrontation due to a fear of being rejected. Conflict can be positive for you, your relationships and your organization. Conflict can actually be good for business, leading to innovation. The key is to build your confidence to address the issue. Know that everything will work out.
2. Manage your anger. Take some time to breath, relax and reflect, if you feel you might explode. Ideally, you bring up your feelings immediately in the situation, if you feel safe. However, there is nothing wrong with finding the right time to discuss an issue. This can reduce the likelihood of escalation.
3. Reflect, don’t blame. We have the tendency to blame others. If you try hard, you can put yourself in the other’s shoes. What might they have felt in the situation? How would it have felt for them. It’s uncomfortable, but put time and effort into this.
4. Don’t stay if it’s a destructive relationship. Is the conflict reoccurring? Think about whether the conflict is destructive. Sometimes we stay in destructive relationships, but no matter the resolution, it will be short lived without addressing the deeper issues. If you can’t decide if you should divorce or not, read about how to choose between mediation and therapy.
5. Learn about negotiation and how to negotiate. Often, conflict resolution requires people to negotiate to ask what they are looking for.
6. Confront the person in a respectful way. We call this a constructive confrontation, where we prepare to discuss our concerns with someone in a respectful way, focusing on our feelings, not blaming the other.
7. Take leadership in the situation. Become a self-leader in conflict resolution. To be a self-leader, you need to be powerful. Follow our LEADER acronym to address issues effectively to resolve conflicts in your life.
8. Learn about conflict resolution and how to fix a relationship. Listen to our Top 10 songs about conflict to learn about typical types of conflict, and ways that people typically resolve issues.

Conflict Escalation - Easy steps to manage and resolve your conflicts.

Conflict Escalation - Easy steps to manage and resolve your conflicts.

Mediate to Go: Conflict can escalate easily if we don't address it appropriately.

Blog on Conflict Escalation

This blog is about the conflict process model by Morton Deutsch. His work, also known to some as the conflict escalation model or used as a conflict diagnostic model, can help parties learn more about the conflict escalation process and what one can do to increase the likelihood of effective conflict resolution and conflict management. 

Introduction to Conflict Escalation

In order to effectively manage conflict , one must better understand the dynamics of conflict escalation. Conflict can be a normal and healthy part of any relationship.  Workplace conflict, if managed effectively, can be good for business.  Differences in perceptions can improve problem-solving and increase innovation. Personal conflicts, such as conflict in the family, can help people determine their values and ask for what they need. In order for conflict to be a positive thing, one must manage the process of conflict so that it does not lead to conflict escalation.

What is conflict escalation?

Morton Deutsch, a pivotal leader in the field of conflict resolution, psychology and education described conflict escalation in detail. In his view, conflict at times may become destructive,  ”by a tendency to expand and escalate”. Conflict escalation is a negative process of conflict.

Deutsch stated,

The tendency to escalate conflict results from the conjunction of three interrelated processes:

1.     Competitive processes involved in the attempt to win the conflict;

2.     Processes of misperception and biased perception; and

3.     Processes of commitment arising out of the pressures for cognitive and social consistency. These processes give rise to a mutually reinforcing cycle of relations that generate actions and reactions that intensify the conflict. (direct quote, p. 352)

Limiting conflict escalation?

Other processes may have the effect of limiting conflict escalation. However, if they are weak, conflict may escalate. Other processes that might lead to conflict escalation if they are weak include:

4.     The number and strength of the existing cooperatives bonds;

5.     Cross cutting identifications;

6.     Common allegiances and memberships among the conflicting parties;

7.     The existence of values, institutions, procedures, and groups that are organized to help limit and regulate conflict; and

8.     The salience and significance of the costs of intensifying conflict. (direct quote, p. 352)

Unfortunately, ”Even if [these] are strong, misjudgment and the pressures arising out of tendencies to be rigidly self-consistent may make it difficult to keep a competitive conflict encapsulated.” (p.352) In sum, limiting conflict escalation requires a great deal of effort for mediators, conflict coaches, and parties facing conflict. One basic way of stopping conflict escalation is through ending blame and defensiveness.

Process of Conflict

Destructive process of conflict

Conflict, if not managed effectively, leads to a process of conflict that is destructive. Some destructive conflict is also characteristic in destructive relationships and revenge. Deutsch stated the following characteristics of the processes of conflict when it becomes destructive,

• The initial cause of the conflict is forgotten or becomes irrelevant;
• The issues expand in size and number;
• More people become involved in the conflict;
• The precedents and principles which appear to be bad issue increase;
• Parties are willing to absorb a higher cost;
• Negative attitudes towards the other side are intensified;
• Parties rely more on power, and “upon the tactics of threats, coercion, and deception”. (direct quote, p. 352-3)

Constructive process of conflict

An ideal process of conflict resolution involves the use of ”Persuasion and from the tactics of conciliation, minimization of differences, and enhancement of mutual understanding and goodwill.” (p.352) These there just a few ways to move constructive conflicts from escalation to resolution.

For Deutsch and others in the field of conflict resolution, constructive processes of conflict resolution we’re based on three key features; creative thinking, cooperative problem-solving, benevolent misperception and cooperative commitment. (p. 360-365)

Creative thinking

“[O]ne of the creative functions of conflict resides in its ability to arouse motivation to solve a problem that might otherwise go unattended.” (p. 361) In order to facilitate creative reactions to problems requires that people do not feel in anyway threatened and they are tolerant of ambiguity and open the unknown. (361) 

In order to increase the possibility of a constructive process of conflict resolution, we must create a safe space and help ourselves and others feel motivated to address the conflict. Mediators and conflict coaches must constantly ensure that parties feel safe and comfortable, as a means of improving creative outcomes to a conflict – hence,  a major benefit of using mediation services.

Cooperative problem-solving

“In a cooperative context, the conflict can be viewed as a common problem in which the conflicting parties have the joint interest of reaching a mutually satisfactory solution.” (p. 363-4) Cooperation has many positive impacts that can lead to a more constructive process of conflict resolution. Deutsche found the following:

·      Open communication is facilitated between the parties which increases the exchange of information, helping parties address the real issues of the conflict;

·      Each side is recognized as having legitimate interests and the need to find a solution that addresses these;

·      Trust and friendliness improves, which helps parties be sensitive to their similarities and shared concerns and downplays their differences. (p. 363-4)

Benevolent misperception

“Cooperation tends to minimize differences and enhances the perception of the others' benevolence.” This means, if parties are overall more cooperative, they’re more likely to see the other person as having good intentions. Deutsche also mentioned some shortcomings of this, if parties do not address all of their issues.  However, benevolent misperception can increase the likelihood of cooperative conflict resolution. As a result, we recommend facilitating a cooperative environment, be it in a professional or personal context.

Cooperative commitment

For better in some cases, ”[p]ast investments, already established facilities, procedures and institutions, Obligations to third parties, and situational pressures may operate to bind one to a cooperative relationship.” (p. 364) This means that ”[t]he bonds of a cooperative relationship maybe cemented in loyalty, obligation, conformity, guilt, or convenience as well as in personal attachment and personal gain.” (p. 365)

The question then becomes, does the end justify the means? It seems that more adversarial forms of negotiation (see also negotiation tactics) would tend to use some of these means to encourage the resolution of the conflict. However, if parties are not fully motivated to abide by the resolution, or their feelings of loyalty, attachment, guilt or notions of personal gain change, the resolution might be at risk. As conflict resolution experts, we recommend that parties do their best to address the root of the issues at hand to prevent social conflict escalation and a stalemate.

Conflict management and conflict resolution

Taking self-leadership in conflict situations also means learning about conflict escalation and how to reduce the likelihood of fights going bad - destructive conflict. 

Mediate2go: Don't escalate conflict - be a self-leader

You might ask yourself, what is destructive conflict at home or what is destructive conflict at work, and how can it be resolved?

To effectively manage or resolve a conflict, one must do their best to prevent the conflict from escalating. The conflict escalation process can decrease the likelihood of parties finding a means of collaborating and resolving their shared issues together. In some ways, addressing the stages of a conflict through addressing the conflict escalation process is a way to resolve conflict in itself.

What does this mean for you? You need to know how to manage conflicts at work? How to address the conflict within your family?  Here are some recommendations;

• Create a supportive and safe environment, so that people do not feel threatened;
• Encourage a cooperative environment through the use of activities to build trust and positive relationships;
• Even if you disagree with the other person, recognize that they have legitimate interests and concerns;
• Build relationships with an authentic intent to treat others with respect and dignity. Be open and honest with your needs and concerns, and help them feel comfortable to do the same with you;
• Read about taking self-leadership in conflictsituations, how to fix a relationship, fight fair, active listening and how to build and maintain trust.

Deutsch, M. 1973. Conflicts: Productive and destructive. In Conflict resolution through communication, edited by F. E. Jandt. New York: Harper & Row. 

Some links on conflict escalation:

Wikipedia

Beyond Intractability

U of Oregon

Keywords: Conflict de escalation, de escalating conflict, it escalation process,

Active Listening Techniques

Mediate2go.com: Active Listening Techniques, Body Language

Listening is one of those skills that can always use improvement.  Having our feelings validated is one of our greatest psychological needs, so by working on your active listening skills, you are bound to improve your conflict resolution skills and even your relationships.

How is listening related to conflict?  If you harness the power of listening, you will be better able to transform conflict so it takes a more constructive path (versus a destructive and escalating one).  If you help the person you are in conflict with to feel ‘heard’, you can create a turning point that will allow both of you to discuss underlying needs and interests at the root of the tension between you. In addition, active listening can increase the level of trust with another person, so that if miscommunication is to occur in the future, it might be easier for each person to give the other the “benefit of the doubt”. Please see the Mediate2go.com blog on Building Trust and Mediate2go.com blog on How to Fix a Relationship.

Visit Mediate2go.com and sign up for a free account to learn how to actively listen to anyone in your life. Mediate2go.com will even email you free advice and how to have a dialogue!

Active listening is not rocket science but it does require some work.  Follow these guidelines:

1. Send Signals: Listening involves you and the other person.  It’s more than ‘hearing’ their words.  It requires that you send signals indicating that you heard what they said. Use verbal prompts to show that you are listening (“Okay, I hear you”, “Tell me more…”).
2. Truth is Perspective: Each person has their own version of the truth, so focus your discussions on how each of you perceive and feel about a given issue
3. Paraphrase: Use paraphrasing by repeating their idea in your own words (“So, you are telling me that…”), then do a perception check by asking if you understood them correctly
4. Body Language is Key: Listen with body language through maintaining eye contact, mirroring their facial expressions, leaning towards them, facing them and using an open body posture by keeping your arms uncrossed. As the above quote details, body language is commonly more important than what is stated verbally, so as an active listener, you must pay a great deal of attention to the body language of the person you are communicating with. Studies have revealed that between 65% and 95% of communication is done non-verbally. Feel free to ask someone questions if they appear upset in some way, if they are not verbalizing it. You can say something like, “I get the impression you are upset because of your reaction. Do you want to talk about it?” Even if they are not ready to open up and state their feelings, they have been made aware of their reaction and might be open thereafter. They are also made accountable to their reaction.
5. Space for Silence: Sometimes silence is the best medicine.  If you don’t know what to say, just be there with them
6. Eliminate Distractions: Set aside time to talk and get rid of all distractions
7. Listen First, Deliberate and Speak After: Don’t prepare your response while they are speaking.  Trust that you will remember your ideas and prepare your response when they are done 

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Avoid these common listening traps:


• Responding to someone by speaking about yourself. This is officially called an asyndetic response.  Consider asking whether the speaker would like to be listened to or prefers advice.
• False time-outs.  During heated debates when emotions are running high, people may decide to take some time to cool down.  However, we often make the mistake of taking too short of a break even though we have not physiologically calmed down.  Take at least 20 minutes to calm down from an argument. 

Try these tips and see if your conflicts and even relationships start to change.  Remember that you also deserve to be listened to.  If you feel as if someone isn’t ‘hearing’ you, ask them if they understand what you’ve expressed and don’t be scared to ask them for what you need (“Can you please look at me when I am speaking with you? Can you please make eye contact with me?”).

Let us know how it goes.  We’re listening!

Resources:

• Active Listening on Wikipedia
• NPR USA
• Colorado Program

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