Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Amicable Divorce


Amicable divorce has advantages over fighting in court

Is there such a thing as friendly divorce? We think so. This blog is about how you can move past revenge towards a friendly divorce.
Mediate2go: Top 10 Songs about Divorce

If you are experiencing a divorce, check out our blog on the Top 10 Songs about Divorce and Top 10 Songs about Conflict. In addition, if you haven’t decided if you should divorce or not, read this blog about choosing whether to divorce and mediate.

Introduction to Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce satisfies needs

Family mediation is one of the most popular forms of amicable divorce available to parties. Amicable divorce provides a means to prevent what some people label as the problematic approach of family litigation. For many, family litigation is inflexible and fails to satisfy parties’ true needs. “In comparison with more formal, legal and adversarial processes, [family] mediation is characterized by an informality and mutuality that can reduce both the economic and emotional costs of dispute settlement.[1]

Amicable divorce is flexible

Mediation is often more appropriate than litigation, given that parties are not required to follow a strict set of rules, and parties achieve emotionally satisfying results because the process has been designed to satisfy these unique needs. Amicable divorce still takes into account and must respect legislation and regulations that guide family law, but provides increased flexibility to parties to come to an amicable solution.

Differing views on amicable divorce

Some people have questioned the benefits of amicable divorce, some calling it “the good divorce myth”. In a news article from 2014, the DailyMail noted a study that questioned whether mitigating family conflict had any improved impact on children (see Amicable Divorce). Specifically, they stated that divorcing couples that try to remain friends to help their children would have little positive impact as a result of this strategy. On the contrary, much research has been done that encourages parties to reduce the level of destructive conflict between one another to benefit their children. This research, which encourages conflict resolution, does not state that couples breaking up must be friends per se; rather, but rather they must reduce the level of conflict (see also conflict escalation).

Benefits of amicable divorce and family mediation with songs

Amicable divorce helps you take care of yourself – Divorce can be one of the most difficult times for a family unit to endure. When you are kind to yourself as a divorcing parent, you will be more effective at managing yourself on a daily basis through this crisis. Family mediation provides a way for you to peacefully resolve your marriage break-up so that you may better satisfy your needs. The court system and family litigation process is not designed to help you take care of yourself.



Amicable divorce helps you learn how to address conflict – Through participating in an amicable divorce process, you may learn new skills to address conflict in your relationship with your ex, in addition to your relationships with other people. The skills you practice in an amicable divorce can help you address issues in the future. Read more about the benefits of Alternative Dispute Resolution.



Amicable divorce helps you find happiness and change – “if your marriage fails, you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, hurt, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams” (CMHA). Amicable divorce might increase the chances that you can again, satisfy your deeper needs and interests. Instead of focusing your energy on competition, arguing and fighting with your ex, amicable divorce through family mediation allows you to quickly find a way to move on.



Amicable divorce helps you prevent emotional turbulence for your children – “During a divorce, parents can do a lot to ease the child’s transition. As a divorcing parent, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems” (APA). Through amicable divorce, your children are less likely to be exposed to on-going, damaging conflict. Check out our detailed blog about managing and coping with divorce effectively when children are in the picture.


What does amicable divorce look like?

Family mediation 

Parties request the help of a neutral third party known as a mediator. The mediator works with each party to identify and clarify their deeper needs during a pre-mediation session. The second part of the process is the actual mediation, where the neutral third party helps parties identify shared concerns, exchange information, brainstorm solutions and come to an agreement. Read more about the benefits of mediation services and how ADR can help. Do you want to try it out? Find a mediator.

Collaborative law

In this process, parties would each retain the services of a collaborative lawyer. The lawyers would do their best to help parties achieve an out-of-court agreement. Failing this, the parties would be required to retain other lawyers, so as to encourage the collaborative lawyers come to an amicable solution. 

Conclusion – Amicable Divorce

Overall, amicable divorce will help you get better results than you might expect from court (in many cases). Family mediation “has produced better-quality results for both children and parents than litigated rulings.[2]” The goal of amicable divorce is to satisfy parties in many ways.

Mediation has the goal of ensuring that the parties’ human needs are met and goals achieved.[3] In this view, mediation aims to reduce the pain that parties experience as a result of intractable conflict. The mechanics of the flexible and informal mediation process help parties reduce the emotional and economic burdens of parties in dispute and the use of public resources to settle these disputes through the court.[4]

If you are faced with divorce or separation, consider trying a different approach. In the end, you are likely to save money, time and also your relationships. 
 

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships


Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships 

(How to Have the Shortest Argument ever)

“We always fight over the dumbest little things”
“I don’t even remember how it started”
“My husband blames me for everything”
“My wife blames me for everything that goes wrong”
This blog is about blame in relationships

Mediate to Go - Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships
Blame should not be placed in any of the above baskets. Learn how to end blame and defensiveness.

Introduction to Blame and Defensiveness

Often, conflicts over something very small are then fuelled by blame and defensiveness and blow up into a full-blown argument. The original problem gets lost because we have added so many layers of blame and defensiveness that we are arguing about the way we argue, rather than what actually happened. Why do we feel the need to blame someone else or search for someone to blame?  It’s time to stop pointing the finger of blame, and time to shift blame into something positive. Let’s stop blame!

Definition of Blame

Blame means  “to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.)” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for blame include repudiation, criticism, accusation, attack, charge, chiding, complaint. (Thesaurus.com).

Definition of Defensiveness

Defensiveness is to be “excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for defensiveness include averting, preventive, thwarting, coping with, defending, safeguarding, in opposition (Thesaurus.com).

What you need to know about blame and defensiveness

First, let’s be clear that really small things are not worth talking about at all, and we can learn to have compassion for our partner’s imperfection and let those little things go. This blog about fixing relationships by sorting things into baskets can help you decide if something is worth bringing up.

Once you’ve decided to bring up an issue, how you do it is important. These are bad starters:  “You always…”, “You never…” “I’m sick and tired of…” “Would you just stop…”.  Approaching someone with blame and generalizations or telling them what to do (or not to do) invites defensiveness. When we feel attacked, it’s human instinct to defend ourselves. So, the first step to stopping defensiveness is to not blame.

Steps to address blame and defensiveness.

1.  Try a Preamble to reduce defensiveness:

·      “This is a small thing…”
·      “This is a 1 on the scale…”
·      “I’m not upset with you…”
·      “I don’t need you to do anything differently…”
·      “Please only hear me. You don’t need to respond…”
·      “I know it wasn’t your intention to come across this way…”

2.  Deliver a short explanation of The Issue:  

The goal is to give information about how you respond to something your partner does.  Make the delivery short and sweet.

·      I was embarrassed when you told that racial joke in front of Emma”
·      “When you keep forgetting to pick up my dry cleaning, I feel like what I want doesn’t matter.”
·      “When you aren’t ready and I want to leave I feel frustrated that I’m made to be late”
·      “When you roll your eyes and speak in that tone, I feel two years old”.

3.  Try to END IT THERE!  

Expect no response. Leave. Give your partner time to absorb it. Get in the habit of ending the delivery right there so defensives can’t creep in.  If they get defensive, try:

·      “I’m not sure you’re hearing me. Remember I don’t need you to feel badly…just to understand.”

4. The Time to EXPLAIN is LATER! 

Often, the urge to defend ourselves is simply us wanting our partner to know that our intent was not to hurt them. BUT there should be at least enough time in between the delivery and the explanation to assure the partner that they are understood. It’s certainly okay to reassure someone you had no ill intent. The problem is that if it happens too soon, it comes across as defensiveness.

Putting a space in between the delivery and the defense can help keep little things from blowing up into big ones.   

About the Author – Ending Blame and Defensiveness


Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Further listening – songs about blame.


Check out the Mediate2go Top 10 lists about conflict. One of the songs deals with blame.

Further reading - more quotes on blame.

A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit.
Arnold H. Glasow
Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations.
Tom Brady
A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.
John Burroughs
I think it's very important that you make your own decision about what you are. Therefore you're responsible for your actions, so you don't blame other people.
Prince William



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