Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships

Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships 

(How to Have the Shortest Argument ever)

“We always fight over the dumbest little things”

“I don’t even remember how it started”

“My husband blames me for everything”

“My wife blames me for everything that goes wrong”

This blog is about blame in relationships

Mediate to Go - Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships
Blame should not be placed in any of the above baskets. Learn how to end blame and defensiveness.

Introduction to Blame and Defensiveness

Often, conflicts over something very small are then fuelled by blame and defensiveness and blow up into a full-blown argument. The original problem gets lost because we have added so many layers of blame and defensiveness that we are arguing about the way we argue, rather than what actually happened. Why do we feel the need to blame someone else or search for someone to blame?  It’s time to stop pointing the finger of blame, and time to shift blame into something positive. Let’s stop blame!

Definition of Blame

Blame means  “to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.)” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for blame include repudiation, criticism, accusation, attack, charge, chiding, complaint. (Thesaurus.com).

Definition of Defensiveness

Defensiveness is to be “excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for defensiveness include averting, preventive, thwarting, coping with, defending, safeguarding, in opposition (Thesaurus.com).

What you need to know about blame and defensiveness

First, let’s be clear that really small things are not worth talking about at all, and we can learn to have compassion for our partner’s imperfection and let those little things go. This blog about fixing relationships by sorting things into baskets can help you decide if something is worth bringing up.

Once you’ve decided to bring up an issue, how you do it is important. These are bad starters:  “You always…”, “You never…” “I’m sick and tired of…” “Would you just stop…”.  Approaching someone with blame and generalizations or telling them what to do (or not to do) invites defensiveness. When we feel attacked, it’s human instinct to defend ourselves. So, the first step to stopping defensiveness is to not blame.

Steps to address blame and defensiveness.

1.  Try a Preamble to reduce defensiveness:

·      “This is a small thing…”

·      “This is a 1 on the scale…”

·      “I’m not upset with you…”

·      “I don’t need you to do anything differently…”

·      “Please only hear me. You don’t need to respond…”

·      “I know it wasn’t your intention to come across this way…”

2.  Deliver a short explanation of The Issue:  

The goal is to give information about how you respond to something your partner does.  Make the delivery short and sweet.

·      “I was embarrassed when you told that racial joke in front of Emma”

·      “When you keep forgetting to pick up my dry cleaning, I feel like what I want doesn’t matter.”

·      “When you aren’t ready and I want to leave I feel frustrated that I’m made to be late”

·      “When you roll your eyes and speak in that tone, I feel two years old”.

3.  Try to END IT THERE!  

Expect no response. Leave. Give your partner time to absorb it. Get in the habit of ending the delivery right there so defensives can’t creep in.  If they get defensive, try:

·      “I’m not sure you’re hearing me. Remember I don’t need you to feel badly…just to understand.”

4. The Time to EXPLAIN is LATER! 

Often, the urge to defend ourselves is simply us wanting our partner to know that our intent was not to hurt them. BUT there should be at least enough time in between the delivery and the explanation to assure the partner that they are understood. It’s certainly okay to reassure someone you had no ill intent. The problem is that if it happens too soon, it comes across as defensiveness.

Putting a space in between the delivery and the defense can help keep little things from blowing up into big ones.   

About the Author – Ending Blame and Defensiveness

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Further listening – songs about blame.

Check out the Mediate2go Top 10 lists about conflict. One of the songs deals with blame.

Further reading - more quotes on blame.

A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit.

Arnold H. Glasow

Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations.

Tom Brady

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.

John Burroughs

I think it's very important that you make your own decision about what you are. Therefore you're responsible for your actions, so you don't blame other people.

Prince William

Self-leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

Self-Leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

Be the change that you want to see in the world. ― Mahatma Gandhi

Self-leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

 Essential advice on how to manage and reduce harmful conflict at home and at work. 

Here is what we think about self-leadership in conflict. Also known as taking self-responsibility in conflict, self-leadership is about taking leadership across situations to manage your own reaction to issues and conflict, and also help others manage their issues. While it might not be considered a style on its own, it might have a significant impact on your situation. As mediators and conflict coaches, we recommend learning about self-leadership because we believe everyone is responsible for their own behaviour in situations. We always have a choice in how we react, and this can have a major impact on the dynamics and relationships around us.

Self-leadership in conflict assumes the following characteristics:

• We are responsible for what we bring to a situation (our thoughts, which impact how we feel. If we change our thoughts, we can modify how we feel about situations),
• We should give people the "benefit of the doubt" (assume the best in people),
• We always have a choice in how we react to a situation,
• Our behaviour can impact those around us,
• We should take responsibility to make a situation better.

Self-leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

We use the acronym LEADER.

L - Limits and boundaries: 

We all have limits, which are "lines in the sand" that shouldn't be passed by those around us. Sometimes they differ based on the relationship. What we share with our intimate partner should not always be shared with family, friends and colleagues. Boundaries are based on what we and others are comfortable with. If someone is not comfortable with certain things, then we must respect their boundaries as we expect the same in return. If you feel uncomfortable about something, it is likely that someone has not respected one of your limits. They might not be aware or your limits, so it is your responsibility to state your boundaries in the situation. This is an essential part of self responsibility in conflict. To better know our limits, which require boundaries, we should be aware of triggers. Read our blog on Boundaries.

E - Explore Triggers: 

Have you found yourself react strongly to particular statements made by friends or family. Maybe you become defensive about particular subjects, or "shut down" around others in particular situations. This means that something has triggered something within you. No, the other person is not responsible for your reaction (see below). rather, something from the last is likely leading you to react in such a strong way. We all have a history. How did we handle conflict and confrontation in the past? How did we react to the anger and emotions of others? What do we associate with the present triggering behaviour, whether it be from childhood or something more recent. Although mediators are not to help clients analyze this, we must take responsibility for the triggers that seem to push us to react in strong ways. If we work on understanding these, it might be easier to react in a calm manner, proportional to the situation. 

A - Assumptions and perception checks: 

How often do we assume that someone else intended to do something negatively, and then subsequently find out they had no negative intention whatsoever. Psychologically it's easier for us to assume others had a negative intention, while we, in the same situation, would have had a positive intention- see fundamental attribution error. Checking out the perception of others around us requires constant effort, but can go a long way in helping you prevent and manage conflict. Ask the person, when you said this, what did you mean by it? Or, when this was said, this was my perception. How did you perceive the situation? You will likely feel a sense of relief most of the time, and a sense of resolution, that the person didn't have a negative intention.

D - Direct discussion: 

You might feel a sense of relief to "vent" to someone about the behaviour of someone else. It might even feel right to you. Maybe you want to feel more emotionally in control before you actually have a discussion with them. While this could be helpful, why don't you have a direct discussion with the person who did something that you felt uncomfortable about? Talking to others might reinforce your negative assumptions about someone else, and make the discussion even more challenging when you finally decide to have it. Or worse, you might, as a result, decide not to talk to the person, and let the relationship continue to deteriorate. Many times, it's with it to at least try to have a direct discussion with the person, especially when you are likely to have interactions in the future. Here are some tips to structure your constructive confrontation.

E - Emotional health: 

If you are emotionally happy, you will be better able to handle challenges in your day, including possible communication issues with others. In fact, you will likely prevent many issues from emerging in the first place. When we feel happy and healthy, other people are likely to feel at ease around us, and more Likely to interpret us in the way we intend them to. For example, it's easier for a colleague to assume that everything is okay in your relationship together if he interaction is positive. On the other hand, if you are stressed out, and angry about something, they might mistakenly assume that the negative emotion is directed at them. Thus, creating miscommunication and possible conflict. In the same way, if we are happier, when someone at work seems to be negative or short around us, we are more likely to assume it's not about us, and they are likely just having a bad day. Emotional health is also impacted by physical health. See our blog about emotional health, 

R- Reaction control: 

We are responsible for our reactions and our feelings. It might seem hard to believe, but others do not control our feelings. We are responsible for how we think, which then impacts and leads to how we feel. While it's understand to feel impacted by the behaviour of someone else, the way we react is what we do have control over. Will you "stoop to their level" or "take the high road", meaning, will you react in a way that you respect and expect from others, or will you simply retaliate and act with a sense of revenge. Ask yourself what are the consequences of both approaches. I terms of self leadership in conflict resolution, acting with vengeance leads to conflict escalation, and rarely will get you what you want, being, resolution to the situation.

So next time you feel uncomfortable, hurt or angry about something, you hear someone gossiping at work, or you simply want to be a force of positive change for others in your life, be a LEADER.

Search self-leadership, self-resolution, self-mediation, leadership, self-leadership, leadership-styles

How to be Confident - Build an Emotional Air Conditioner

Mediate2go.com How to be Confident - Build an Emotional Air Conditioner and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Introduction - How to be Confident

“Believe you can and you're halfway there.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

One of my theories about people is that we spend a lot of time trying to avoid certain, specific, core, ouchy emotions (based on Steven Stosny’s ideas about ‘core hurts’)

What is a core hurt?  

Sometimes we’ve spent so much time (usually when we were young) feeling unimportant, or powerless, or unloved, abandoned, rejected, worthless… that it’s like a huge bruise, and very small triggers (things people we’re close to say and do) can lead to an avalanche of this emotion that we have had enough of.  You know when you work out your body really hard, and the next day the cat walks on your legs and you scream in pain?  Like that… Or like Superman feels weak when he’s around only a tiny bit of kryptonite.  We feel overwhelmed by even a bit of this emotion that we can’t tolerate feeling (our personal kryptonite) and we panic, sometimes leading to controlling behaviours (avoiding the emotion) or passivity, depression or self-flagellation (drowning in the emotion).

What’s your kryptonite?  

I think mine might be ‘unimportant’.  This might be why I react internally when my emails are ignored.  Doink…I don’t like that feeling.  I try not to take these things personally (I use my thoughts to cool my jets).  Identifying what it is you can’t stand feeling is an important step.

Let’s say your kryptonite is powerlessness…

Everyone needs to feel powerful…not power over others, but the power to determine our lives and feel like we can make things better for ourselves and our loved ones.  If you can’t stand feeling powerless (maybe because your power has been taken away from you at some point), your triggers may be these… when something or someone gets in your way…when something doesn’t go your way…when you feel trapped…and you might react by trying to change the thing that’s in your way (someone else), except this doesn’t really work.

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A few examples to build confidence…

• Joe comes home feeling stressed from work and sees a shoe by the door.  He blows up, screaming about how many times he’s told the kids to put their shoes away.
• Sandy is driving and traffic is slow due to construction.  She over-boils knowing that she’ll be late for a meeting.
• Jean is in a crowded meeting and suddenly feels the urge to run.  She feels a panic attack coming on.

All these people are being triggered and will benefit from an internal air conditioner.

1. Building an Air Conditioner… When you are triggered, an air conditioner is made up of four things:
2. Learning to tolerate the emotion. Recognize what it is you’re feeling, and remind yourself that it’s JUST a feeling…it won’t kill you.
3. Compassion. If you can accept that you are not perfect and still love yourself…if you can accept that other people have flaws and you can like them…then you can relax a bit.
4. Self-esteem. If you know and believe strongly in your worth, your power, your importance, your lovability, then you will feel less vulnerable to being triggered.
5. Empathy. If you recognize how your behaviours affect your loved ones…this can help you make different choices.

All this is really about building emotional intelligence and coping skills to deal with emotions.  Try using a qualified therapist to help you establish and practise new ways of thinking about and dealing with emotions. Also, see our blog; songs about conflict, how to fix relationships and how to take self-leadership.

About the Author -  How to be Confident

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends "how to be confident" and all about confidence.

Search: #How-to-be-confident, #confidence, #emotional-intelligence, #self-esteem, #boundaries, #power, #powerlessness, #empathy, #compassion