Top 10 Songs about Conflict - 2015

Top 10 Songs about Conflict - 2015

This blog is part of our series of top conflict songs. See the Top 10 Conflict Songs of 2014.

1. Hello - Adele

A song about reconciliation and when fights go bad.

A past conflict has resulted in a separation, but during this song she is trying to resolve this conflict. The fact that she has taken the first step in reconciling the relationship is admirable, however there are ulterior motives behind this reconnection, which could create extra conflict and avoidance down the line. When rebuilding a relationship, honesty is always the best policy. You can’t build an honest relationship out of lies (also see tips on coping with divorce).

2. Elastic Heart - Sia

A song about destructive relationships and moving on.

This song deals with a relationship that did not work, even though they may have tried mediation and other means to repair the relationship. However, no methods worked, and she feels destroyed by the experience. The truth is, you can try to repair a relationship or situation all you want, even partake in mediation, but sometimes it simply does not work. However, it is a method that often has positive results (benefits of mediation), so it is still worth partaking in the practice.

3. Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor

This song is about being open to resolve conflict. 

In order to avoid any sort of conflict in her relationships resulting in separation or avoidance, she has created a set of conditions and rules, which she lays out in the song to any future lover. In theory, this may seem like an intelligent idea, however strict rules often lead to rebellion. Open discussion is always a wise option in terms of mediation, given that intense rules could lead to restricting yourself from opportunities (also see conflict resolution styles).

4. Love Yourself (Justin Bieber)

This song is about dealing with rejection and moving on.

This song involves a self-obsessed ex-partner that’s causing conflict simply for the attention of the singer. He is trying to avoid any sort of confrontation with this person, however in this song, he addresses it by completely dismissing and distancing himself from said conflict. This song reflects a realistic and aggregable option towards conflict, do not involve yourself.

5. Bloodstream - Ed Sheeran

This song is about internal conflict and empathy.

This song involves a man who has created conflict, resulting in people’s active avoidance. He has done this because of conflicts within himself, and this song is his realization of his mistake, too late for reconciliation. In cases such as these, you would need to keep in mind its never too late to attempt reconciliation, through mediation. If you were one of those whom avoided, it’s about being empathetic and compromising while your friend is going through a tough phase.

6. Suffer In Peace - Tyler Farr

This song is about avoidance.

This is about a man who has compromised to make somebody else happy, but he has simultaneously compromised himself by doing this. Avoidance is a dream for him, he is unhappy and looking back, wishes that he had done something different.  In this case, mediation or taking a step back could be a more realistic option. The point of compromise is to reach a midpoint that makes both parties happy, otherwise what is the point. Collaboration might be even better, where both parties are said to find a win-win solution.

7. Don’t Wanna Fight (Alabama Shakes)

This song is about finding resolution, taking into account all of your needs and interests.

The inspiration behind this song was about the bands earlier struggles, finding a balance between their full-time jobs and their band practices. This is a very real issue in the workplace, finding a balance between hobbies, having a good time and work. If there are issues, you shouldn’t be put out by approaching your employer/manager to discuss your feeling and options (also known as a form of negotiation). You also need to compromise within yourself, enjoying yourself but at the same time being realistic financially.

8. Ghost Town - Adam Lambert

This song is about change and trust.

This song is about the changes happening within society and especially Hollywood. He is trying to fight against the change but feels alone in the struggle. This conflict is not between two people, but between a person and society. Society will change inevitably. The options are either to avoid the situation altogether, remain conflicted or accept the change. Sometimes, trusting that the situation will change is the most difficult. Each of these options have their own advantages and disadvantages. Learn more about conflict escalation and resolution.

9. Secret Love Song (Little Mix)

This song is about honesty and compromise.

The song is about a relationship that is being kept a secret, due to it being looked down upon by society. This song has strong LGBTQIA links, as mentioned by Little Mix themselves. This song is a duet also starring Jason Derulo (in some versions), and as the song gets to the bridge, they are having an argument about whether to be honest or keep the relationship a secret (see our blog, Should I stay or should I go?). In a situation such as this, a compromise seems to have already been reached, with one of the parties unhappy with the arrangement. This song seems to be a crossroads between being open, and the situation turning to one of avoidance instead of romance. Also see our blog on cheating in relationships - advice on adultery, which also deals with secrets.

10. B**** Better Have My Money - Rhianna

This song is about confidence in conflict.

This may seem like an odd choice for some, but this song is the perfect example of somebody who does not compromise, apologize or avoid conflict. This woman believes she is correct and strong and refuses to be told different. This type of personality is not ideal for mediators; however, we have to deal with all personalities and you will run into people of this temperament. The trick is to make the outspoken party feel in control.

Ashton Bult, Mediate to Go Blogger

Ashton Bult is our media blogger, focusing on mediation and conflict resolution and its effects on modern pop culture and vice versa. Leaning towards youth engagement with mediation, he has studied a wide variety of courses at the Auckland University of Technology and the International Travel College. When he isn't on his computer, he'll be performing on stage. 

Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends to deal with family fights, from a problem solving perspective.

I have often thought of making this into a flow chart…think of it as such.  The process starts with the question… “Whose problem is this?”  at the top of the page.  If it is something that has you upset, it’s your problem.  If your partner is upset about something, it’s their problem, and if both of you are upset, then it’s shared.  The important part of starting with this question is that everything that happens after this…your role in the process…depends on whose problem it is.  Many problems are made worse when we forget this simple step and act as though the problem is ours when it’s not.

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Step 1:  The person with the problem will need to determine the size of the problem, in order to determine whether it is something that needs discussing.  Try to put problems into a basket!!!

Step 2: for the person without the problem:  If the problem is your partner’s…all you really have to do is listen openly so that you can understand.  Make this your only goal to start.  Put away the defending and the “yes…buts’”.  Don’t say a word until you believe that you understand and calmly restate what their concern is.  You can ask questions if you don’t get it.  An example… Person A says “When you say you’re going to take out the garbage and you don’t…I get frustrated with how it builds up. It smells bad.”  Listen, then maybe ask “Do you mean that you expect me to do it every week or that you want to know whether I realistically have time, and if I don’t…I should say so?”  And so on until it is understood.  The listener can remember that there is no expectation that miracles will happen…the speaker just wants to be heard most of the time.  Nothing needs to be fixed necessarily…just heard.

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Step 3: for the person with the problem:  Okay, back to the first question…if the problem is yours, and you have determined that it is in basket B… State the problem calmly, without accusatory tones or words (avoid words like “fault… never…always…blame”).  Avoid swearing, yelling, name calling, put-downs (you won’t… and shouldn’t .. get heard if you do this).  Try a formula of “When you ____, I feel ___ because ____.”  

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Remember that no one causes your emotions.  The problem is a problem because your personal reaction defines it as such… someone different may be more tolerant of certain behaviours.    Simply state the problem.  You don’t need to drive it into the ground.  They heard you and your words have more power if they are simple and clear.  If there is something specific you expect them to do that is serious (think basket C) you can make clear strong statements about your expectations…but no threats.  But remember, you can’t make them do anything, so focus on your clear and respectful delivery, and not your expectations.  Any time your goal is about getting someone else to do something differently, you’re in for trouble.

Step 4:  If the Problem is Shared:  This is the tricky part.  You both are upset and both trying to be heard.  Often times, a problem starts out as one person’s and becomes shared and more complex when the expression of the problem becomes part of the problem (“Sure I forgot the garbage again, but did you have to overreact like that and dump it all over the yard?”)  If you have followed the steps above, fewer things will fit into this category.  But if you’re already there…it’s a process of taking turns speaking and listening.  Think of it as two separate problems and treat it as such, using the process above.  Put yourself back in that sandbox and remember to share the time and take turns listening… if you want to be heard, you have to listen too.

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Some general DON’TS:  

• Don’t tell your partner what to do.  Commands are not respectful.  
• Don’t attack.  
• Don’t roll your eyes or get sarcastic (Oh…okay well I’ll do the garbage every freakin day then…how’s that?”)  
• Don’t bring up the last twenty times they did the same thing, or the time they insulted your mother and you’ll never forget it…it’s called ‘kitchen sinking’ to bring up past problems.  
• Keep it to the present situation.  
• Don’t tell all your friends about the issues in your marriage.  
• Don’t bring things up when you’re about to sleep and it’s dark.

Some general DO’S:  

• Do find out when it’s a good time to discuss a problem.  
• Do keep it brief.  No long lectures.  
• Do scale the problem first…”this is a 2 out of 10, so it’s not a biggie…” This helps shrink a problem before you even talk about it.  
• Do take a time-out if you feel you’re going to explode (time outs are not about ditching the issue though…state where you will be and how long it will be before you will be ready to discuss it.  
• Do address very small items in front of the kids so they can see you resolving it, but save the biggies for private talks.

Know your partner and yourself and what you both need.  Talk about your conflict resolution process and what things work and don’t for both of you.  Check out blogs and websites about "fighting fair", "family fights" and "fighting families", like this one.  And do consider consulting with a therapist if the pattern is stuck and your wheels are spinning.

Search: #Family-Fights, #Family-Fighting, #fighting-families, #Divorce, #Family-Mediation

Moving on - Letting go of the past

Mediate2go.com: Moving on, Letting go of the past. WabiSabitherapist.com

Lynda Martens, WabiSabi Therapist is a Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends how to "move on". From the Mediate2go.com perspective, you might have been asked to attend mediation. This article is worth a read to help you gain perspective before the session. In addition, it might be useful after the session.

We sometimes get stuck in angst or resentment about something painful that happened in the past.   It could be anything from an argument with a sibling or a betrayal of trust, to a lost love or the death of a loved one.  Fixating on the past keeps us from fully living in the present…and it doesn’t change the past. We also don't feel a sense of inner peace.

Although you can’t change what happened, you can change the way you think about it and the amount of energy you devote to it.  You can learn to move forward.

Here are a number of questions that might assist you in moving past whatever it is that happened…

Mediate2go.com: Moving on, Letting go of the past. WabiSabitherapist.com

• Are you avoiding an emotion?  Sometimes we fear that the intensity of an emotion (like feeling abandoned, shameful, unimportant or powerless) will devour us or incapacitate us, so the stuckness helps us avoid that feeling.  Can you be brave enough to feel the pain/loss/shame of what happened and move through it?  Is it possible that letting yourself feel the emotion will be less devastating than you fear?
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• Are you stuck asking yourself ”why?”…  Sometimes things happen that make no sense to us and we spend years trying to figure it out.  “Why” questions are not easily answered…so they’re generally useless.   Ask yourself whether you need to know why in order to move on.  Is it possible to accept that you will never know why?  Can you accept the powerlessness of not having your questions answered?  Is not knowing why reason enough to keep you from moving forward?  Ultimately, you decide your own WHY…you get to come to whatever conclusion you want.  Try to come to a conclusion that isn’t harmful to you!!

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• Do you blame yourself for what happened?  Sometimes when bad things happen we think it’s our “fault”, and our stuckness is about not feeling deserving of moving on to a happier place.  Can you have compassion for your imperfection and any mistakes or decisions you made?  Can you let others take responsibility for their own decisions and part in the situation?  Does punishing yourself make anything better for anyone?

• The fear of something recurring can keep us from getting past events that were hurtful.  When someone does something that hurts us, we do deserve to have it made better, if we are in a relationship with them.  We can’t make that happen, but we can ask for what we need from them.  Avoid constantly bringing up the mistake or the hurt…this  can actually erode any trust that is attempting to be rebuilt.  For example…your loved one breaches a trust and you fear that it will happen again.  You are unsure if you can trust them again.  There is no answer to that question “can I trust them?”.  Trust is a decision…an act…a verb.  You either choose to trust them or not.   So, while the past should inform us about what someone is capable of, if you want a relationship to work, it is necessary to forgive and move on if we want that person in our lives. Also, see the blog about What to talk about in a relationship.
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• Did something happen that you continually replay in your head?   Did you suffer a trauma and are having flashbacks or body memories?  This situation can be assisted by a qualified therapist.  Memories are important and should be honoured and listened to for what they have to teach us, but a therapist can help you work with the memory to add elements of control and healing.
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• Forgiveness.  Sometimes we stay stuck because we can’t ‘forgive’.  Do you think that forgiveness is about saying something someone did is “okay”? It doesn’t have to be…we can choose to view forgiveness as a decision not to “let someone off the hook”, but to simply stop carrying around all the hurt and resentment.  Forgiveness is about deciding that carrying around the hurt doesn’t help; it’s about accepting that we cannot alter what happened. Visit mediate2go.com to learn how to initiate a conversation about forgiveness with a loved one.
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• Sometimes we get stuck in the past because we keep recreating it.  We can’t get past someone’s  hurtful behaviours because they are still happening… that person is still in our lives.  When they happen again, we feel flooded with all the old emotion about the hundreds of times we felt that way.  If we can’t get past something (like disrespect) because it keeps happening, then the question becomes what are we still doing in that relationship?  We can’t always have emancipation from family members, and here we can only accept people for the flawed being they are if they ignore our please for change.  But most of the people in our lives are there because we let them be…we choose who to surround ourselves with.  If someone cannot respect you, how can you at least respect yourself?

Visit mediate2go.com to learn how to initiate a conversation about moving on with a loved one. Also, visit Lynda Martens, WabiSabi Therapist to ask for services and read her blog.

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Search: #moving-on, #finding-peace, #finding-myself, #finding-happiness, #letting-go, #moving-forward, #being-a-lawyer-sucks, #when-to-leave-the-legal-profession.