Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Do you fear conflict? You might ask yourself, Why do I avoid conflict? Why do men avoid confrontation? Why do women avoid confrontation?

Be a Self-Leader in Conflict Resolution
Mediate2go: Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Conflict Avoidance Introduction

Conflict avoidance is common in many cultures. Some would argue that some cultures are particularly conflict avoidant – where people would prefer not to address conflict directly. At the same time, other cultures might be known for their direct approaches to confrontation – the opposite of conflict avoidance. Of course, such generalizations might not be very productive given that we are speaking about relationships and individuals – both of which can change and develop from moment-to-moment and over long periods of time.

This blog is to tell you about conflict avoidance, and what you should consider if you choose to use this conflict management style. We have written this blog for anyone, and have included a section at the end for mediators and conflict coaches.

You might ask how to avoid conflicts in a relationship.

The truth is, conflict avoidance is just one style of conflict management, and it may be both useful and detrimental, depending on the circumstances and the needs of those in a given situation. Even if you believe that you normally address conflict effectively, part of doing so may include avoiding conflict from time-to-time. The key is to be aware of what you truly need within the situation, and then be conscious in making the decision to avoid, or not to avoid (to confront) conflict. This is a very important aspect of being a self-leader in conflict and resolving conflict effectively.

Definition of conflict avoidance.

What does avoidance mean?

Conflict avoidance means that individuals do not engage in confrontation. Avoiding confrontation at work or in any relationship means that one does not engage in any type of conflictual interaction or confrontation with others. Conflict avoidance in relationships takes place when an individual or individuals experience some type of difference or a perception of difference, and they do not directly engage others in relation to this issue.

How does one typically approach-avoidance conflict?  How to avoid confrontation?

Generally speaking, some ways of avoiding confrontation include “methods [such as] changing the subject, putting off a discussion until later, or simply not bringing up the subject of contention”.[1] One common sign of avoidance is venting, when someone complains about a situation, but if asked, they have not directly addressed the issue, or gossip, such as when someone talks to others about someone’s behaviour without addressing their concerns head-on.

As you will read in the this conflict resolution blog, if you want to avoid confrontation, you need to be sure that it is the right strategy for you, based on your needs and the context.

Why does avoidance in relationships matter?

Conflict avoidance is often a cause of conflict. This means that if you avoid conflict in relationships, you also prevent yourself from coming to a resolution of the dispute. Think about it, if you experience either a perceived or actual difference in beliefs, opinions, values, or simply put – needs – from someone else, a discussion about the issues would be the most efficient way resolve the conflict, and deciding how to move on. 

Why do I avoid conflict?

There are a variety of reasons that someone might avoid conflict. A lot of these things should be discussed with a therapist, given that they might relate to emotions and childhood experiences. If you are curious to understand why you avoid conflict, think about the worst thing that could happen if you actually faced the conflict. Is your deep down fear about being rejected? Are you worried that a relationship will end, and you will be alone? If one of these deep down fears is driving your avoidance of conflict, you might want to talk to a therapist to get the support you need.

When is conflict avoidance good?

Safety concerns? – better to avoid conflict

If you are worried about your personal safety, conflict avoidance might be the best strategy and conflict style. For example, if you are on the street and someone approaches you, if you do not feel comfortable, the best strategy might be to walk away. You might not want to engage in any type of conversation or debate with this individual, even if they have said something that you completely disagree with. Using insults might be used to trigger your frustration, so that you will engage with them in conversation or debate. If your safety is not at risk, then you might choose to engage in conversation. Note that we are not talking about destructive relationships here.

Temporary delay – better to avoid conflict

Avoidance can also give individuals time to calm down so that they can avoid getting caught up in a destructive conflict escalation cycle. For example, if you and your partner are having a bad fight, it might be better to temporarily suspend the discussion and avoid discussing it further until both of you have had time to calm down. This is not to say that you should simply walk away and ignore what they have said. Rather, you should ask to delay the conversation until both of you are more able to hear one another. To know how to fix a relationship, check this out here.

No gain? – better to avoid conflict

If you do not foresee any type of benefit resulting from having a discussion,  avoidance might be the best conflict management style. For example, if you’re having a major conflict with your manager or employee, yet you will only work with the organization for one or two more days, it might not be worthwhile to have any type of confrontation with the other person that risks igniting confrontation. Although there are many benefits to resolving conflict, even if you decide to leave an organization, such as the protection one’s reputation or that of the organization, you might prefer to avoid conflict in the meantime. If you do you want to address issues, you might ask for the help of a conflict coach or mediator.

When is conflict avoidance bad?

As this blog explains, conflict avoidance is not always bad per se. Rather, conflict avoidance might facilitate or worsen the conflict escalation cycle - which is generally speaking bad for everyone involved. If your first instinct is to avoid conflict, look at the above cases of when conflict avoidance is a good thing. If your situation does not fit into those examples [you have safety concerns, it would be better to wait to address the issue at another time, or you foresee no gain in addressing the issue], you might be relying on conflict avoidance as a strategy, even though it does not address your concerns. Only use conflict avoidance if you believe the benefits outweigh the losses. Also think about how alternative dispute resolution could help.

Examples of Conflict Avoidance at Work:

Manager’s conflict avoidance

If you are a manager, and your employees are in conflict, choosing to avoid the conflict is a common form of conflict avoidance which can have unexpected negative outcomes. As a mediator, we often see managers who observe conflict between their employees, and choose to let their employees duel it out. A manager might even tell them to ‘grow up’ and ‘figure it out on your own’. This is an ineffective approach based on the escalatory nature of conflict. One of the dynamics of conflict is that it becomes more destructive overtime - partly because individuals no longer see things as clearly as they would under normal circumstances. Thus, a manager telling his or her employees to simply fix the issue, completely ignores the inherent dynamics of conflict escalation. Instead, managers should work with both parties to help each of them address and resolve the conflict. Or better, the manager should bring in a neutral third-party (mediator) to help the parties have a discussion and/or a conflict coach to work with the manager, or the individuals directly dealing with conflict to gain knowledge and skills in conflict management. Managers should also be proactive in their approach to conflict resolution in their organization. They should make conflict resolution a strategic priority to garner the benefits of ADR.

Employee’s conflict avoidance

If you are an employee, a negative type of conflict avoidance in the workplace might be any type of conflict with a colleague or manager that cannot seem to be resolved, yet one or both parties cannot move on and let things go. For example, if one of your colleagues makes statements that are offensive and repetitive, yet you say nothing, your feelings of frustration and anger might build up and conflict is likely to escalate. Instead of making your expectations clear for the other individual and addressing issues head-on, you may assume that the other person had the worst of intentions, and simply avoid addressing your concerns. This common example of employee conflict can also lead to conflict escalation, and may have damaging effects on people, the team and the organization, similar to gossip.

Examples of conflict avoidance at home

Conflict avoidance with parents or partners

A common example of conflict avoidance at home includes when a spouse decides not to address something that is bothering them with their significant other. Maybe they have already brought forward this concern and nothing has changed, so they would prefer not to ‘nag’ their partner about it – giving up on achieving this need or desire. Maybe they would prefer not to bring up the conflict temporarily, and wait for a more appropriate time – such as when guests have left or their partner is more willing to listen and hear the message rather than simply react emotionally. If you want to know when it is worthwhile to avoid or not avoid a conflict, read this blog – what to talk about.

Conflict avoidance at home with children

Conflict avoidance at home may also include conflict with children. Children may notice that it is not a good time to bring up concerns with a parent when they are having had a bad day - leading them to avoid the conflict temporarily. Parents may decide that it is not worthwhile to confront a child on a particular issue, and would rather focus on other concerns. These are some forms of conflict avoidance at home.

Conflict resolution strategies - Conflict avoidance

Responding to conflict avoidance

If you would like to address a conflict in your life, yet the other person seems to be avoiding you, you might try a few different techniques:

1. Tell the person that you would like to have a discussion with them to resolve your issues. Reassure them that you are open to hearing what they have to say.
2. Tell them what you imagine they went through as a result of the situation. This demonstration of empathy might help them see that you are making an effort to connect with them and that you are trying to meet them halfway.
3.  Emphasize the benefits of resolving your conflict collaboratively. Say your relationship has become very destructive, even if you are no longer able to be friends, maybe you could still find someway to peacefully coexist.
4. Remember that you cannot change anyone. Once you have tried to address the conflict, you will need to learn how to move on and let it go. This can be the hardest part of responding to conflict avoidance. Be sure to learn about personal boundaries and resolving conflict with boundaries if you are uncomfortable.

Conflict avoidance for professionals (Mediators, Conflict Coaches, Facilitators, Lawyers)

Responding to conflict avoidance as a mediator or conflict coach

The section is to help you as a conflict management professional address conflict avoidance with your clients directly or indirectly if they are dealing with a conflict avoider. For example, you might have a client who is avoiding conflict with their spouse, or a client who wants to address conflict with and avoiding spouse. You might even see conflict avoidance demonstrated within a mediation process. Observing conflict avoidance can present a difficulty yet opportunity for a practitioner to intervene.

With an avoiding client

As a mediator or conflict coach, if your client is avoiding conflict to their own detriment, you have a few options. First, you need to keep in mind the principles in conflict coaching and mediation.  In this case, you want to ensure that you are perceived as, and are impartial in how you provide services. Ask about the impact of avoidance on them and other people in the situation. It is likely that there are many negative impacts that result from in overuse of the avoidance conflict management style. Through leading the client to see these consequences through skillful questions, the client is less likely to get defensive and might leave your office with some valuable feedback on how to resolve conflict. Acting with impartiality relates to ensuring that the process is voluntary and that parties must have self-determination. As a mediator, it’s easy to get in the habit of trying to help solve client’s issues for them. This goes against the principles of impartiality, in addition to voluntariness and self-determination. Parties should not be provided with advice, as this might just be a quick fix. Mediators and conflict coaches must be patient with clients who avoid conflict, and give them the time they need to reach their own determinations of their issues and their self-resolution. They must become self-leaders in conflict resolution.

Lawyers helping clients with conflict avoidance

Generally speaking, if clients have contacted lawyers, they are addressing issues and confronting conflict. In fact, their conflict management style might have become competitive. Lawyers are there to represent their clients. Within the mediation context, lawyers can provide advice to clients on the impacts of conflict avoidance, and the benefits of addressing issues.

An activity to help a client through conflict avoidance

One of the easiest ways to help avoiding clients is to offer the TKI assessment so that they may determine their own conflict management style. Once that is done, the client might be more aware of their conflict management style. If you do not do this assessment, discuss the various conflict management styles in relation to a specific situation they have faced. Even a discussion might lead to the development of many insights.

With an assertive and non-avoiding client

If your client is more comfortable with conflict, yet they are dealing with someone who is avoiding conflict, as a professional, you will be providing indirect advice to help them address this issue.  Feel free to share this conflict resolution blog with the client so that they better understand some of their options. At the same time, you might need to work with the client to establish boundaries and how to move on from the situation, especially if the person they are dealing with refuses to have a discussion.

With avoiding client(s) in the mediation room:

If one or both of your clients are avoiding conflict within the context of the mediation process, there are a few steps that you can take to address this issue.

1. First, consider integrating something about the benefits of conflicts within your opening statement and throughout the mediation process.
2. Second, remind clients that conflict can be very healthy, cathartic and can lead to many positive outcomes. In fact, conflict can actually be good for business.
3. Third, if the client makes a strong yet respectful statement, ask the other party to paraphrase what they heard. Next, ask for a response from the other party on how they felt in this situation. In other words, do not encourage conflict avoidance in the mediation room. Instead, provide an example of how to face conflict collaboratively. With time, you can set the mood in mediation to help the parties address their issues without avoiding them.  The mediator in this case acts as a model through their practice, showing parties that it is okay to have conflict.

Thanks for reading our blog on conflict avoidance. Be sure to contact a conflict resolution professional in your local area for help dealing with conflict avoidance.

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[1] Wikipedia on Conflict Avoidance.

Should I stay or should I go? When to Choose Therapy and When to Divorce

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

How do I know if I should be in couples therapy, or on the road to separation, divorce and mediation

Do you wonder if the grass is greener when the waters get rough in your marriage?  It’s normal in any relationship to have those “I don’t like you right now” thoughts (hopefully rephrased if spoken aloud). Conflict is inevitable, and very healthy if it is resolved. But when those thoughts turn into more serious questioning about whether you should stay or go, it’s time to do some serious thinking, because having, and voicing, those thoughts can further threaten a fragile partnership.  

It may be time to stop second-guessing your commitment, and bravely face the question: Should I stay or should I go?  

In part, the answer differs depending on what stage you’re in.

Early stage relationships:  

If, in the first few months to a year of being with someone, your ‘gut’ doesn’t feel right or there is a lot of unhealthy conflict, there is good reason to simply go your separate ways. It probably won’t get much better than that early period where we put our best face forward.

But ending even a short-term relationship can be difficult. We wrap so much of our self-esteem in whether a relationship lasts or not. At this beginning stage, though, it’s important to realize that you’re both looking for a good match. It’s not personal. Just because you initially like someone or have had a good email exchange doesn’t mean you’re a good match. Just because you’re not a good match doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Stop trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and move forward knowing there’s a better match out there for both of you. There would be less divorce if people listened to their early doubts and avoided getting stuck in something that doesn’t feel good right out of the gate.

Established Relationships

You’ve been together for a while, and you realize you’re having thoughts about leaving the relationship. Every situation is unique, but let’s talk generally about good and bad reasons to stay or leave.

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

BAD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Mediation

• (Only) For the kids.   While being a parent might mean putting some extra effort into trying to resolve things before you throw in the towel, it’s never a good idea to stay only for the children.  Children need happy parents who aren’t in constant destructive conflict. I believe that having parents in negative conflict affects children more seriously than divorce or separation.
• (Only) Money.  I get that there are practicalities involved, but know that your community is abundant with options for assistance. 
• Fear of being alone.  If you have been dependent on your partner, a therapist can help you learn to address these fears.  Amazing things can happen when you kick fear out of the picture. Also, be sure to read about destructive relationships and building confidence.
• To buffer the children from the other parent.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek support.  Staying out of fear that your partner will do more harm to the children if you leave is not healthy thinking. 
• You don’t want to hurt your partner (leaving is hard). Sympathy is never a good reason to stay. You both deserve better than that. No, leaving a marriage isn’t easy, but that’s no reason to put off being happy.
• (Only) Because you love them, or they love you.  If that’s the only thing holding you together…if you’re in pain and everything else says it’s not working, then love is just not enough.

GOOD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Mediation

When there is something you fundamentally need that the relationship can’t provide.  Following are some examples of this.

• Disrespect/Abuse. You or your children are being hurt.  Abuse is a recurring pattern of hurtful or controlling behaviours that create a power imbalance. Safety comes first. Read this about unhealthy relationships.
• Addiction.  If you have a partner who is in an addiction and not seeking treatment or taking responsibility.
• Dishonesty and secrecy.  If you don’t know whether you are getting the truth or not, it’s impossible (and perhaps unwise) to try to build trust.
• Infidelity.   While good people can make bad mistakes, and infidelity can be worked through with a therapist’s help, infidelity can also indicate a lack of empathy, or an inability to draw appropriate boundaries of safety around the relationship. 
• You’ve lost the desire to be together and you don’t want it back.  If you or your partner already have one foot out the door, it’s best to recognize it and be honest about it.    

BAD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Therapy

• You’re unhappy.  Are you blaming your relationship for your personal unhappiness or depression? Sometimes our partners and relationships take on an ugly hue when we’re not in our own personal happy place. Try using a therapist to learn healthy thinking patterns, and see how that changes the picture.
• Your relationship doesn’t feel the same as it used to.  Marriages go through stages, and it’s natural for that early passionate intensity to lessen with time. Be your best self, and communicate clearly about what you feel and need.
• You argue a lot. Conflict can be made healthier, and conflict resolution can be taught. Habits can be changed, and patterns can be altered. Clarity about whether to leave or stay can also be assisted by my “basket” theory:  put a relationship problem into a basket in order to determine how to handle them. Read about destructive relationships and unhealthy relationships.
• Your partner has changed (or you have, and they refuse to).  Some people change, and some don’t. Definitely, people change when they want to, not when it suits us. Try seeing a therapist if you both want to better understand and connect with each other through personal change.
• You’ve stopped trying.  Have you stopped feeding your relationship? Are you expecting changes from your partner and ignoring what you can do to improve the situation? Try increasing your own effort (and your empathy) to be loving, and see what happens.
• Your partner doesn’t know what you need.  Are you communicating your unhappiness? Ending a relationship without clearly letting your partner know what you need may be less than fair. Ask for what you need.
• Hurtful things have happened.  People make mistakes, and with effort, empathy, taking responsibility and forgiveness, wrongs can be righted and the past can move farther away. 

GOOD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Therapy

Both parties are ready to use a therapist and work hard to make things better.  In spite of issues X, Y and Z, you both desperately want to be together and are willing to work at it in therapy and make personal changes. I have worked with a lot of couples in the last twenty years, and I can’t guess outcomes. I have been very surprised by couples who have made me wonder why on earth they were together, and then suddenly something shifts and the space is created for a different way of being together. If you both want it to work, and you both have the energy to commit to doing something differently, then ANYTHING is possible.

Ultimately, no one can tell you how long to stay in a relationship that feels uncomfortable.  This is intended only as a guideline to clarify a muddy picture. Remember that if you decide to stay, therapy can assist in building intimacy and communication skills.  If you decide to leave, mediation can be useful when negotiations fall apart.

About the Author: Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

How to Control and Manage Anger

How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger

Annoyed, bitter, enraged, exasperated, furious, heated, outraged, resentful, offended, irritated, irate, indignant, sullen, etc. These are just some synonyms for anger. Sometimes, people’s anger turns into revenge, which is even more destructive. Given the negative connotation with many of these words, it is not surprising that many of us have a painful, fearful or uncomfortable association with anger; whether we feel anger in ourselves, or with 
other people. 

Mediate2go: How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger

Anger and our Health

Surprisingly for some, feeling and expressing anger can be completely normal and healthy part of our lives. At the same time, anger must be controlled or we risk our well being and relationships. If anger is left unresolved, people may experience “high blood pressure, heart attack, depression, anxiety, colds, flu and problems with digestion.[i]”

With skill, practice, and time, we may reflect on what we feel, why we feel that way and then how to make a decision to manage it (control it) and react accordingly.

Recognizing Anger

In order to effectively address anger, we must first become fully aware of when we start to feel angry. One description of feeling angry: “Your heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your fists.[ii]”

Controlled and managed anger can make you feel amazing

Use the anger to feel catharsis, whilst respecting those around you. “Telling people [your frustration] releases that energy rather than trying to submerge it. See our blog on Constructive Confrontation. Anger is a feeling to get over with, not to hang on to.[iii]” Along with this recommendation, be careful when expressing anger as we often underestimate the impact of our anger on others.

Ways to Control and Manage your Anger

Here are three recommendations to effectively control and manage your anger:

1. Count to 10. This gives you time to calm down and have a clear mind.[iv]
2. Take deep breaths.[v] Through controlling your physiological response, you can moderate the strength of the emotion.
3. Express anger skilfully, which is part of positive conflict. Learn about using ‘I feel’ communication. Remember to be very specific about what bothered you. Name the behaviour so the other person does not feel threatened or rejected, but rather capable of changing something specifically to help you feel better in the future.[vi]
4. Match your face to your feeling. Make sure that your facial expressions match your emotion so the person doesn’t feel confused about your message.[vii]
5. Lean on me. Try to talk through your frustration in a calm way with the person in your immediate surrounding if it might be appropriate. Rather than yelling at someone, or running away from the situation, rely on the person around you to work through the intense feeling. They can help you calm down through actively listening to you. Learn about the definition of trust and building trust .
6. Challenge your assumptions. Think about the person and/or situation, and assume that they had the best of intentions, which may help the anger to dissipate.[viii] Say someone has belittled you at work during a team meeting. Try to change your assumptions about the individual’s behaviour. Did they feel insecure or threatened by you? Be sure to read about Self-Leadership in Conflict Resolution. You may choose to take ‘the high road’ and assume the best. How can you think about the situation differently so that you may feel better?
7. Vent to someone. This is not always ideal, as you are not dealing directly with the issue. However, it might help to express your emotions to someone who will respect your privacy, and is not involved in the situation, in order to release emotional tension. This can help you feel validated; yet avoid a confrontation that may be inappropriate, which means expressing your feelings in a non-accusatory manner. Be sure not to gossip, or if you do, make sure it is positive gossip.

Controlling Anger in the Future

Now that you have addressed your anger in the moment, it’s time to think about how you can improve yourself for the future.

1. Consult our expert advice on How to Be Confident, in order to improve your reaction, and avoid overreaction in a given situation.
2. If you are having trouble moving on and letting go of the past, learn about how you can create a positive future for yourself. Being angry forever isn’t worth it. Our blog on finding inner peace is also helpful
3. Say that you were not the one who was angry, be sure to read about how to fix a relationship and what to talk about.

Labels: bad-relationships, Body-Language, Confrontational, personal-change, How-to-Control-Anger, How-to-Manage-Anger

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[i] How to Control your Anger, NHS, UK: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/controlling-anger.aspx

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Tjosvold (1991; 134)

[iv] How to Control your Anger, NHS, UK: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/controlling-anger.aspx

[v] Ibid.

[vi] Tjosvold (1991; 133).

[vii] Ibid.

[viii] Ibid. at 136.

Negotiation Strategies and Tactics

Negotiation happens all the time, and often we are not even aware of it.  Sometimes, particularly when something is important to you, negotiation or even expressing your position can be a monstrously stressful task.  Whether at work or in your personal life, it can feel daunting or intimidating to have to approach the “other side”, whatever that may be.  Alternately, negotiation may not phase you in the least, though you may still wish to improve your efficiency in reaching an agreement.  Remember that many conflicts involve two or more viewpoints that could at least potentially reach an agreement.  It tends to be in both disputants' best long-term interests to settle before litigation, just as much as it is in the interests of co-contractors to effectively understand and agree with each others’ position before signing the deal.  I offer the following general suggestions to consider whenever you enter into a negotiation. 

1. Negotiation: First Things First

It is a good idea to reflect on and internalize any elements of the outcome that you absolutely must achieve. By this I mean the be-all-and-end-all, an absolutely essential component that must be part of any end agreement. Examples might be a hard budget, a deadline, or the involvement or actions of a specific person. Especially in cases where you represent more than one person’s interests in negotiations, it is best to get a firm grasp of what absolutely must be present to reach an agreement. Be careful not to underestimate the amount of time or critical reflection it may take to pinpoint these so-called “first things”. It is possible that your particular negotiation does not truthfully have any imperatives!  If that is the case, be prepared to recognize that, and be thankful that you will have even more leeway to reach a mutually beneficial arrangement.

I find that crucially important issues are best dealt with up front. Time, energy, and frustrating can be saved by fully disclosing your requirements to the other parties. This will affect how others can respond to you, and prevents unexpected surprise. Rare is the case where obscuring a crucial issue for disclosure at a later period works out favorably, and that type of strategy can easily lead to accusations of deception. 

Do not be afraid to clearly articulate what the “needs” of your position are. Introduce them early, and reiterate as necessary. Not forcefully, but tactfully and with the expectation that if one side cannot have its elementary needs met, there cannot be a mutually acceptable outcome. 

        

          2. Negotiation: Know Your Goals and Your Limits

The next and possibly most important skill is recognizing the hazier area between the "absolute-must-haves" and the "desirable but not indispensable". For this skill, I invite you to think about what you (or your client) would ideally like to achieve through the negotiation process. These are elements of any agreement or settlement that you could probably do without, or else they would be addressed in the "First Things First" category above. In most situations, there is a range of acceptable outcomes on a spectrum between your most desired outcome, and your least desired (but still tolerable) outcome. Giving yourself this spectrum to play with, and thinking about it in advance, will give you more peace of mind and a greater sense of where things stand when you converse with the other parties.  

There is obviously a close relationship between the ideal goals and the "imperatives" we talked about in step one.  The time to hash out which elements apply where, in your particular case, is before you start making offers or stating your position. Canvassing the possible outcomes of each element in dispute, as well as how desirable they are, is important when negotiating for yourself but even more important when acting on behalf of others. Negotiating for someone else carries even more responsibility, so it is best to be as prepared as possible.

Be aware that we often have knee-jerk reactions when we set limits or goals. Sometimes a few days of reflection, or even a few minutes, can cause us to realize that what we once thought was an absolute is actually subject to possible changes. Being able to keep these instinctive reactions in check is a good skill for any negotiator.

An excellent tool to practice this step is something at which most of us are already adept: "What-if?", and other hypothetical questions, like "What could..." or "What would...". 

Here are a few examples:

• What if they refuse to pay the target price?
• What if he can't meet until next week?
• What would I ask for in return if they need more from me?
• What if they spring something on me?
• What if they will not budge on issue X or Y?

         3. Negotiation: Know Your Audience

This is also a crucial step, and some preparatory work in this regard will often be useful when you enter into discussions. There are two pieces of this skill. The first is to try to understand the other parties' background. Chances are, you know some general information about who they are, and perhaps about the types of restraints they may have. Try to consider, in advance, what the other parties' answers to steps 1 and 2 above would be! It is rare that you will have access to all of the information or perspective that belongs to the other side, but thinking this way may help approximate it. 

The second piece is to consider how others might react to your position. Again, this is informed by steps 1 and 2. Think about what it would mean for the other person if you got exactly what you are asking for - both in terms of your essential needs and your ideal goals. Really think about this, as it can help you narrow down the range of acceptable outcomes you have settled on in step 2.  

In both of these parts, take caution not to draw too many assumptions.  Avoid straw-manning the others' positions, and try to uncover which issues you think will be "non-negotiable", that is, the other side's First Things. 

         4. Attune to the Negotiation Environment

No two negotiations are the same, and how you phrase your discussions may depend on variable factors. Remember that you may be negotiating whether face-to-face, in a mediation or settlement conference, or even writing an email. There is no catch-all way to present yourself that will work in every scenario. However, if you have gone through the above steps, it will be easier to gauge the appropriate tone or techniques.

If negotiating with sophisticated parties, you may feel as though you are at a relative disadvantage. In such cases, be sure to vocalize your needs so that you are understood. Your potential landlord may have a standard way things are done, but if it will not work for you there is little point pretending it will. It is possible that you or your client may feel pressured, sometimes exceedingly so. In many scenarios, including face-to-face negotiations, it is perfectly acceptable to make your feelings known. Saying "I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now and I think I will need [a few minutes or days, to speak with my partner] before we continue" can be helpful. No, perhaps not in time-sensitive situations - but recognize that many deadlines we set for ourselves are themselves negotiable. If delaying the closing date by a few days is necessary to make sure both sides feel satisfied with the arrangement, where is the issue?  Likewise, pausing an ongoing mediation for a month does not mean the sessions have failed. 

On the other hand, if it feels like you are more in control of things, remember that the other parties may be the ones feeling pressured or confused. It is good practice in these situations to remain calm and candid. Make the extra effort to try to understand the others' needs and desires so that any arrangement reached is well-understood and clear. Aside from helping to make the whole process more amicable, this strategy can help preserve an ongoing relationship with the other party, and may help guard against any future claims that the discussions were unfair.

Author

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

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Negotiation Strategies and Tactics