Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dealing with Rejection - How to Overcome Rejection

Dealing with Rejection

This blog is about rejection. How to deal with rejection, rejection quotes, fear of rejection quotes, fear of rejection and a fear of rejection phobia, the definition of rejection, rejection synonyms, how to handle job rejection, social rejection, family rejection and more. 
Dealing with Rejection - letting go of the past.

Definition of rejection. 

To reject something is “to refuse to have, take, recognize”, “to refuse to accept (someone or something)”, “to discard as useless or unsatisfactory” or “to cast out…” ( Synomyms for rejection include to “deny, decline, cast out, dismiss, repel, discard, pass on, eliminate, shoot down, exclude, shun, throw away or throw out.” Words that conjure feelings of pain.

The opposite of rejection, or the antonyms for rejection, are to accept, admit, welcome, praise, agree, admire, take on, allow, attract, trust, approve, believe, choose, grant, include, ratify, keep, okay or like ( These antonyms remind us what we are motivated by - to be accepted and to belong.

The fear of rejection and being rejected.

Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.
Harvey Mackay 
Many people fear rejection. In many ways, this is normal. Taking into account the above definition, rejection implies that the person or object being cast aside is imperfect in some way. This means that our fear of rejection might be based on our worry that we are imperfect and/or not good enough.

In addition, the fear of rejection might be based on a fear that one of our fundamental human needs might not be met. According to the article The need to belong: desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation, humans “…form social attachments readily under most conditions and resist the dissolution of existing bonds.” In fact, “Lack of attachment is linked to a variety of ill effects on health, adjustment, and well-being” (The need to belong). If this is the case, it makes sense that people would naturally aim to avoid and even fear rejection. Such a motivation to belong guides our behaviour in ways in which we are unaware. 

“Human beings are fundamentally and pervasively motivated by a need to belong, that is, by a strong desire to form and maintain enduring interpersonal attachments […] within the context of long-term, caring relationships” (The need to belong). If this need is so fundamental to humanity, the fear of rejection seems to be naturally occurring.

How to overcome fear of rejection

Dealing with Rejection - letting go of the past.

I got rejected. Now what? 

The next question is, how to handle rejection and dealing with rejection in love. Did you get rejected by a guy? Feeling constantly rejected? Some might say “I reject your reality and substitute my own” as a means of going forward. The key to remember is that you are not a reject. Remember, rejection is not always a bad thing. Rejection might be an indicator that we need to belong. Thus, rejection might lead us to decide to move on to other relationships where we may satisfy our need to belong.

Rejection and Anger. How do you overcome anger and fear of rejection?

It’s normal to be angry about being rejected. Read about how to manage your anger and then come back to this blog about rejection.

My mediation or conflict coaching client has been rejected. Now what?

As a mediator or conflict coach, we often have clients that are rejected for some reason.  Maybe they experienced rejection in marriage, or maybe it relates to a conflict at work – they received a job rejection email when they felt like they deserved the position, or they received a rejection letter. Similar to our view that conflict can be an opportunity for positive change, rejection can also be an opportunity for change.

We need to help our clients resolve their issues, which might imply that we direct them to resources that can help them face rejection. Maybe they need therapy, if they are dealing with emotional rejection, a phobia of rejection, or if they need an expert on the psychology of rejection.

If they are already seeing an expert and/or therapist, then remember the above antonyms for rejection. How can you help your clients feel accepted, and feel hopeful that everything will work out for them. What is their inner motivation, and how can they communicate this to another person? Awareness of this human motivation is key – the need to belong. Read more about revenge, as this might be a common desire after rejection for our mediation clients. In addition, read about Self-Leadership in conflict, and learn about how to teach your clients to take leadership in their situation to make things better. With the assistance of a therapist, conflict coach and/or mediator, clients might better face the issues surrounding rejection.

In addition, you should recommend this resource on building confidence. Rejection is hard to take, but is normal, and can be faced with increased confidence.

How to deal with rejection in love.

Have you been rejected by a girl? How to deal with rejection from a guy? It’s not easy, but first, remember that it’s normal. You should remind yourself that it’s better to have tried. Learn about how to be confident and be kind to yourself.

Quotes about rejection

Also, remember these quotes about rejection:

You have people come into your life shockingly and surprisingly. You have losses that you never thought you'd experience. You have rejection and you have learn how to deal with that and how to get up the next day and go on with it.
Taylor Swift

The biggest hurdle is rejection. Any business you start, be ready for it. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is the successful people do all the things the unsuccessful people don't want to do. When 10 doors are slammed in your face, go to door number 11 enthusiastically, with a smile on your face.
John Paul DeJoria

We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don't. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success.
Henry Rollins

How to deal with job rejection.

A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.
Bo Bennett

The rejection that we all take and the sadness and the aggravation and the loss of jobs and all of the things that we live through in our lives, without a sense of humor, I don't know how people make it.
Marlo Thomas

Keep trying for the job. Don’t give up. Ask for feedback and keep moving forward. Also, build your confidence so that you can focus on the positive aspects of rejection to move on. If you are a lawyer looking for an alternative career, an aspiring mediator or conflict coach, learn about alternative legal careers, how to become a mediator and jobs about mediation.

Social rejection

Breaking up is the hardest thing we do. It's the most important thing we do, in a way. You've got to embrace rejection, or you'll maintain a very limited life. It'll be very nice and neat - and very, very small.
Laurie Helgoe

If you feel constantly rejected in society, seek the help of a therapist to figure out what is going on. It’s not you, but maybe there are patterns of thinking that are holding you back from having healthy relationships that are satisfying your needs. Seek the advice of a therapist to build your confidence and move on with your life.

Parental rejection. Rejected children. Family Rejection.

People might carry baggage with them. If you are someone you know is dealing with parental or familial rejection, seek the help of a therapist. If you are a mediator and children feel rejected by a parent, it’s also important to seek the help of a therapist so that the children are not affected negatively.

How to deal with a rejected stalker. Rejected stalkers

Are you uncomfortable? If you have had an ex-partner that doesn’t respect your boundaries, read about being uncomfortable and setting boundaries. You might also need the help of law enforcement, so seek help from a local police department. If you are in a destructive relationship, be sure to read more and get the help of a local center specialized in escaping these types of relationships.

Marriage proposal rejection

How to deal with rejection and how to deal with a fear of rejection? When it comes to a marriage proposal being rejected, we can feel extremely hurt and embarrassed. We don’t want to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, so should we stay or should we go? Maybe you should take some time to decide whether it is a good idea to choose therapy, or choose divorce and mediation.

Overcoming rejection

How to overcome rejection? At the start of this article, we discussed different ways of defining rejection and antonyms for this painful experience of being rejected. In the above recommendations, we provided advice on dealing with rejection based on the specific area that one faces. What you need to remember is that rejection happens to the most wonderful of people. Don’t give up. Seek the assistance of a conflict coach or mediator if your rejection also relates to a conflict. If the rejection relates to your level of confidence and personal relationships, also seek the advice of a therapist.

Be sure to leave your comments, questions and ideas below. Thanks!


Sunday, January 18, 2015

Improving CX Customer Experience for Mediation Clients

Improving CX Customer Experience for Mediation Clients

Mediators and conflict resolution experts should use the power of CX to build and manage a successful mediation practice. - 
Improving CX Customer Experience for Mediation Clients

CX Solutions for Mediation Services Clients

We know that being a successful mediator requires a wealth of knowledge and experience in conflict resolution. For a job in mediation, we pursue academic studies and seek voluntary positions to start a successful practice. We are accustomed to learning from our clients and from our peers before, during and after the mediation process to improve our practice. We ask ourselves; what worked, what could work better, and what must be changed to improve the process.

Unfortunately, we often overlook the importance of looking at our mediation services practice as a business. Looking at our clients as customers can provide a great deal of insight that can increase the viability of our mediation services business.

How to improve the customer experience

Key to any successful business is treating the customer as the prime resource. If we don’t have customers, we don’t have a business, and if we don’t have a business, we can’t put food on the table. This blog is designed to help you as a conflict resolution expert develop new insights into running a successful alternative dispute resolution practice, especially one focused on providing mediation services. Questions include: how to improve the customer experience, ways to improve customer experience, improving customer satisfaction and implementing a customer experience improvement program.

1. Customer experience CX for mediators and conflict coaches

A mediator’s potential customers use technology as a primary form of communication, so start using technology in your practice, or risk missing out on future opportunities. Our blog on generational differences provides a great deal of insight into this area of improving your mediation services practice.  

2. How to improve the customer experience

In addition to using technology in new ways, you should look at every client interaction as a learning experience. This is key to CX customer experience. Constantly seek feedback through active listening, and record important data to review later. This is the key to know how to improve the customer experience, or CX. A focus on CX customer service means understanding your customers in new ways. For many mediators, this includes a customer satisfaction survey after each mediation services session, for others it might include discussions with clients during the session(s). A follow-up survey might provide an additional tool to better understand the impact of your services. If clients were unhappy with the CX you provided, a follow-up survey gives you another opportunity to address their concerns and create some positive word of mouth. We recommend using each of the aforementioned methods and any others you find useful. Before you even start your practice, do a focus group to better understand your client, so that their first experience is positive.

3. Ways to improve customer experience

After understanding your customer better and what they want in terms of an experience with you, then address the ways to improve their CX. Look at all of the data collected and conduct a SWOT Analysis, which is a means of analyzing Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats of your business. Business consultants frequently use this tool when helping companies better meet their customer’s needs. Ask for the help of a neutral third party or facilitator to conduct the SWOT Analysis so that you have someone to challenge your thinking and provide more insights into the customer’s feedback.

4. Improving customer satisfaction

In addition to addressing weaknesses in your CX, think about what you can do to add value to your mediation services process. 

5. Implementing a customer experience improvement program

To improve the CX, we recommend developing a CX program with the help of a service design specialist, such as Mediate to Go’s Antonio Starnino. The Service Design network describes service design as the:
“…activity of planning and organizing people, infrastructure, communication and material components of a service in order to improve its quality and the interaction between service provider and customers”

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Challenges of Mediation

Challenges of Mediation

Biggest challenges (and solutions) for a mediator. Read this blog for tips. If you have other challenges or solutions, be sure to comment below.

We asked mediators about their biggest challenges. This is what they told us. Read our tips to address each of these challenges. Also, watch this video to address many of these challenges of mediation.

1. Finding clients

It’s not easy, but finding clients takes a multifaceted approach. 

2. Hard-headed clients and lawyers

Remind clients that mediation is voluntary, and that they are completely responsible for resolving the issues, with your help. Even if you need to terminate a process, remind them that they are welcome to come back and try again. Before mediation, try conflict coaching as well, and teaching self-leadership. As we mention in the next section, try building trust with clients.

3. Clients who do not want help

Maybe your client is filled with anger or a desire for revenge. Take time to define trust and build trust with clients. With a good relationship with your client, and also some coaching services, you are more likely to have success with clients not wanting help.

4. Unsure of what to say next

It is okay to not have the answer. Leave time for silence in the process. Sometimes you can ask the parties what they think in the moment if you don’t know what to say. It is their process. Also, you can say, you don’t know, if you don’t have the answer, or openly reflect with the clients about something you said, and correct yourself then. With time, you will build your confidence.

5. Staying neutral

A major ethical issue in mediation services is how to stay neutral. This will require much more reflection within yourself and with other colleagues, but have a constant running dialogue in your mind of what you feel, and what the client wants, and whether you are too ‘involved’. Ask colleagues for help. Neutrality isn’t as easy as we think, we bring in our humanity and past with us, but the key is caring for the client, and being as open-minded and non-judgmental as possible with their personality and what they want. 

6. Investment in the process and not the end result

This relates to neutrality – how to stay energized and invested while letting go of what the end result will be for clients. As mediators, we must care for each of our clients and do our best to ensure the process is fair. At the same time, the client is responsible to make the right decision. While you must ensure the client has the capacity and the resources to do so, you must remind yourself of your role to facilitate the process. Be sure to help the client and ask for advice if need be, to ensure you strike the right balance of investing and letting go.

7. Making money

This is a hard one, as mediators must make enough funds to have a viable practice, yet they must also put their client’s needs first. Once you have ensured that the client’s interests are met, money comes into the scenario. We recommend chatting with other mediators that have successful practices, and also people you know with successful businesses on what works for them. They can give you tips. Also read our blogs specific to your mediation services business: how to become a successful mediator, mediation jobs, and best business ideas for mediators.

8. Convincing people that mediation is the best solution

Clients need to be aware that mediation is not always the best option. There are benefits to mediation, but sometimes, formal processes like arbitration are better. Share all of these blogs with clients and ensure that the client makes the right decision for themselves. Still, promote mediation in your community and lecture at schools and colleges to promote the field overall.

9. Getting feedback from other mediators

Most mediator’s work on their own. Instead of feeling alone, join one of our partner associations like ACR, SCMA, NYSDRA, ADR Canada or ADFP in order to network and chat with mediators about your most challenging cases and what they would have done.

10. Trying to become a mediator

It can take years to build a practice. 

Friday, January 9, 2015

Negotiation Defined

Negotiation Defined

"Negotiation is a fact of life… Negotiation is a basic means of getting what you want from others..." See full quote below by Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton, Getting to Yes, page 70 and 71
Mediate2go: Negotiation Defined

An Orange Illustration

Two chefs are fighting over a single orange. They both insist that each of them requires the whole orange. They finally agree to cut the orange in half, so they each get an equal share, and then they go their separate ways. The first chef squeezes out all the juice of his half orange into a sauce he is cooking, but it’s not quite enough. The second chef peels the rind into a cake he is baking, but it’s not quite enough either.

The chefs reached a fair compromise but what would have been a better resolution?

What is Negotiation?

When two or more parties encounter a problem in which they have differing goals and interests, they must enter into negotiation to agree on a resolution that is better than what they can achieve unilaterally. Although their interests are different, they may not necessarily be incompatible.

Examples of Negotiations

Negotiation is both a formal process in Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) or conflict resolution, and also an informal discussion for parties to reconcile their interests.

Formal Negotiations:

  1. Countries coordinate an international effort to find and recover the remains of a missing plan
  2. A buyer and seller of a house each want to get the best price
  3. Lawyers try to settle a civil lawsuit or agree on a sentence for the accused
  4. Labour union and management representatives negotiate over seniority rights or go to arbitration over a grievance
  5. A married couple seeks the assistance of a mediator to help them deal with their divorce.

Informal Negotiations:

  1. A couple decide on where to go for vacation or who will take out the garbage
  2. An employee negotiates with her boss about when she can take vacation
  3. A child negotiates for more TV time or a later bedtime 

Definitions from Negotiation Experts

[The art and science of negotiation] ... is concerned with situations in which two or more parties recognize that differences of interest and values exist among them and in which they want (or in which one or more are compelled) to seek a compromise agreement through negotiation.
Howard Raiffa, The Art and Science of Negotiation (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1982 at 7).

For most people bargaining and negotiation mean the same thing: however, we will be quite distinctive in the way we use the two words. We will use the term bargaining to describe the competitive win-lose situations such as haggling over price that happens at a yard sale, flea market or used car lot; we will use the term negotiation to refer to win-win situations such as those that occur when parties are trying to find a mutually acceptable solution to a complex conflict
RJ Lewicki, B Barry and DM Saunders, Negotiation, 6th ed, (New York:McGraw-Hill/Irwin, 2010) at 3.

Negotiation is a fact of life… Negotiation is a basic means of getting what you want from others. It is a back and forth communication designed to reach an agreement when you and the other side have some interests that are shared and others that are opposed.
Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton, Getting to Yes, page 70 and 71.

Perspectives of Negotiation

Two main schools of thought exist:
  1.  Negotiation is a competitive, zero-sum game where each party seeks to get a larger piece of pie at the expense of the other party. It is a distributive, or win-lose process.
  2.  Negotiation is a cooperative process where each party seeks to expand the pie. It is an integrative, win-win process.

In the Orange Illustration, the chefs reached a fair compromise but a better resolution would have been if the first chef got all the flesh of the orange, and the second chef got the entire peel. Although the quantity and size of the orange remains the same, the gains would have been greater for both parties.

The primer on negotiation, Getting to Yes, champions the idea of focusing on interests, not positions. A position is a demand put forward or a desired outcome, while an interest is an underlying concern, or desire. In the Orange Illustration, both chefs insisted they needed the entire orange – that was both their respective and irreconcilable positions. Any larger slice of the orange for one chef automatically meant less for the other. This is a typical distributive, or win-lose situation. However, one chef’s interest is to use the orange to make a sauce, while the other chef’s interest is to use the orange to flavour a cake. Unpacking their interests uncovers the need for the juice and the peel rather than as much of the orange as possible. Different, but not incompatible interests. By focusing on interests, rather than positions, they could have expanded the pie, with a win-win result.  

Read more about negotiation tactics and strategies on the Mediate2go Blog.

Mediate2go: Negotiation Defined

About the Author - Negotiation Defined

Rhema - Legal Dispute Blogger

Rhema Kang is a litigation lawyer. She graduated with an Honours Bachelor of Arts from the University of Toronto in International Relations, and Juris Doctor from the University of Ottawa. She first became excited about mediation while working for the Honourable George W. Adams, a prominent Canadian mediator who handles legal disputes worth up to several hundred million dollars. Rhema was the researcher behind the book, Mediating Justice: Legal Dispute Negotiations, and won second prize in the FMC Negotiation Competition. Rhema enjoys dark chocolate with sea salt and finds it awkward to write about herself in the third person.

Mediate2go: Negotiation Defined

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Mediation Services: The Benefits

Benefits of Mediation Services  

Read about the difference between mediation services and arbitration. To learn about what mediation is, or the definition of mediation, click the link.

Introduction to the benefits of mediation services.

Read about the various benefits of mediation services. Whether you want to know about the benefits of mediation in the workplace, or simply what are the benefits of mediation, this is the blog to read.

Benefits of Mediation

1. Voluntary Process 

Most mediation services are voluntary in nature. That means that if you are not comfortable with the process, you can simply tell the mediator that you would like some help or that you would like the process to end. However, if you have agreed to a resolution, that may be legally binding.

2. Faster Results

Generally speaking, it is much faster to attend a mediation process than to file a formal complaint or go through a formal legal process. Although some mediators are busy and might not be available immediately, the mediation services process might take from one afternoon to a few sessions, or a few days for very complex cases. However, it is rare for cases to take months or years to be resolved, as it is for court cases.

3. Customized Services

Although a mediator might have their own style of mediation, they are the guides of a more informal process to help you and the other party resolve your issues through communication. If you are unhappy or uncomfortable with something, just talk to the mediator. The purpose of mediation services is to resolve the issue and move on.

4. Confidential Services

Mediation services are often chosen as an ideal way of resolving a conflict in order to protect the parties. Sometimes, the dispute might be related to confidential or secret information, if made public, could hurt either or both parties. Instead of going through a court process where the public and media are involved, mediation services allow discussions to be held behind closed doors.

5. Relationships are Maintained and Restored

A major benefit of mediation services is that parties are guided through a communication process, and often gain skills to resolve their issues with the mediator’s help. This means that the parties might go through a transformative process and rekindle an once positive relationship. Through mediation, parties often better understand one another through active listening and personal change, and forgive the other party. This is much better in comparison to adversarial court processes that encourage animosity.

6. Subject Matter Experts

Although mediators do not give advice on the subject matter of the dispute because that might jeopardize their neutrality, they are often subject matters in particular areas, and might help guide a process based on the issues the parties face. Say the mediator has a background in finance, and they are helping parties resolve a financial issue, the mediator will not advise the parties, but might ask more appropriate questions to help the parties come to their own solution. Although courts are specialized in the legal aspects of disputes, mediation services might be highly specialized in a particular subject matter area, such as intellectual property, real estate, family dynamics or workplace psychology.

7. Increased Control and Certainty

Again, mediators do not make decisions as to the outcome of the mediation services process, unless they decide to terminate it. However, the mediation process is often much more flexible than a court process, which is completely controlled by the court system and a third party making the decision (the judge). Although one might imagine that a court decision would be more certain, mediation often leads to more certain decisions, given the parties have a choice in the outcome, and are less likely to resist the resolution.

8. Mutually Beneficial Mediation Services

One of the most beneficial parts of mediation services is that it benefits both parties involved, rather than a court process where there is usually a ‘winner’ and a ‘looser’. The point of mediation services is to help the parties resolve their issues in a flexible way that works for both parties. The

9. Health Benefits of Mediation Services

Conflict, and emotions related to conflict, such as anger, lead to increased stress and negative health implications. Mediation services offer a quick way to resolve issues, that are flexible and based on the needs of the parties. This makes the process itself less stressful than a mediation process. Parties can get issues resolved quickly, instead of waiting months or years for a court date.

10. Innovation and Change with Mediation Services

In addition to the health benefits of mediation, mediation services provide an opportunity for parties to stop, reflect and take action to make positive changes in their lives. Conflict can be uncomfortable. However, conflict can lead to innovation and overall, conflict can be good for business. Even if the mediation services process does not lead to innovation for business, it can help lead to innovations in relationships so parties can move on with their lives.

Best Business Ideas - Social Networking for Mediators

Best business ideas for 2015 - Social Networking for Mediators

What every mediator and conflict coach needs to know about social media networking.

1. Build bridges with social networking

Instead of simply sharing your opinion on your social networking accounts, start discussions to create engagement. You should build relationships with new colleagues and potential clients, similar to what we do on Facebook, Twitter, and our blog. . Remember, younger generations might have relationships that are completely based online. Young people are potential future clients in need. Don't be scared of competition. We are all promoting the field of mediation for the benefit of clients in need. Mediation is still underused as an alternative.

2. On the clock

Business social media is on time. To maximize your social networking efforts, launch your posts based on your audience’s usual engagement time - specific to the platform.  MediaBistro says that in general, you should post on Facebook weekdays between 6-8am, or 2-5pm, on Twitter on weekends between 1-3pm,   between 9am-11am, and on your blog Monday, Friday and Saturday at 11am. Again, this depends on your specific audience. Check on each site for information or sign up for a program such as Hootsuite.

3. Create alliances and cross-promote with new networks

Start to share with colleagues and promote with others in the field to improve reciprocation. Connect with new communities in complimentary fields. Don’t just think about your usual client base. Start to think about other communities that might benefit from your services. The more you “Retweet” or post about others, the more likely they are to do the same. Also share some private messages with them to build the relationship further. See the next section connecting in new ways.

4. Boost impact of each post

To improve search-ability and connect with new clients, use the @ symbol to share your post with particular organizations, communities and users; flagging them of your new and relevant social networking content. Use the # symbol in order to emphasize a popular theme. Search for trends on each platform and use the same words with a # symbol in front in order to get your ideas picked up by others searching for the same theme. Trend searches on Twitter are particularly useful.

5. Schedule social networking

In order to optimize your social networking outreach, make a calendar and set up reminders so that you have content ready to post, on the right platform, at the right time. This is essential to ensure a successful business social media strategy. This will also help you boost each social networking post.

6. Get noticed with your social networking ideas

People connect with powerful images, so share other user’s images or make your own. Social networking is competitive, so you need to stand out as much as you can. Be sure to add a comment with each image you post.

7. Ask for help from a social networking pro

Recruit a student from a local college or university with an interest in conflict resolution to write blogs and take care of your social networking outreach. They learn something through researching subject matter, and you have someone with the know-how, posting for your practice to improve your business. The younger generations uses social media networking as part of their daily life, so it comes naturally to them. 

8. Get the social networking app

Start using social media applications on your phone, so that when you have an idea, you can tweet about it immediately. Although you must take into account optimal timing, this is still a great way to start and respond to discussions right away. Social media networking will start to become part of your daily routine, and you will also be able to keep track of current trends in the field. For example, instead of doing nothing at a bus stop, you can post your best conflict resolution ideas.

9. Consistency over quantity

Don’t spread yourself too thin. Choose one or two social networking platforms and focus on them to maximize your Search Engine Optimization. Don’t leave inactive accounts online, or it will hurt your search engine optimization. Don’t feel bad about letting it go, if you realize you have ran out of time to give it the attention it needs. You should be posting new material each week.

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips

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