How to Control and Manage Anger

How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger

Annoyed, bitter, enraged, exasperated, furious, heated, outraged, resentful, offended, irritated, irate, indignant, sullen, etc. These are just some synonyms for anger. Sometimes, people’s anger turns into revenge, which is even more destructive. Given the negative connotation with many of these words, it is not surprising that many of us have a painful, fearful or uncomfortable association with anger; whether we feel anger in ourselves, or with 
other people. 

Mediate2go: How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger

Anger and our Health

Surprisingly for some, feeling and expressing anger can be completely normal and healthy part of our lives. At the same time, anger must be controlled or we risk our well being and relationships. If anger is left unresolved, people may experience “high blood pressure, heart attack, depression, anxiety, colds, flu and problems with digestion.[i]”

With skill, practice, and time, we may reflect on what we feel, why we feel that way and then how to make a decision to manage it (control it) and react accordingly.

Recognizing Anger

In order to effectively address anger, we must first become fully aware of when we start to feel angry. One description of feeling angry: “Your heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your fists.[ii]”

Controlled and managed anger can make you feel amazing

Use the anger to feel catharsis, whilst respecting those around you. “Telling people [your frustration] releases that energy rather than trying to submerge it. See our blog on Constructive Confrontation. Anger is a feeling to get over with, not to hang on to.[iii]” Along with this recommendation, be careful when expressing anger as we often underestimate the impact of our anger on others.

Ways to Control and Manage your Anger

Here are three recommendations to effectively control and manage your anger:

1. Count to 10. This gives you time to calm down and have a clear mind.[iv]
2. Take deep breaths.[v] Through controlling your physiological response, you can moderate the strength of the emotion.
3. Express anger skilfully, which is part of positive conflict. Learn about using ‘I feel’ communication. Remember to be very specific about what bothered you. Name the behaviour so the other person does not feel threatened or rejected, but rather capable of changing something specifically to help you feel better in the future.[vi]
4. Match your face to your feeling. Make sure that your facial expressions match your emotion so the person doesn’t feel confused about your message.[vii]
5. Lean on me. Try to talk through your frustration in a calm way with the person in your immediate surrounding if it might be appropriate. Rather than yelling at someone, or running away from the situation, rely on the person around you to work through the intense feeling. They can help you calm down through actively listening to you. Learn about the definition of trust and building trust .
6. Challenge your assumptions. Think about the person and/or situation, and assume that they had the best of intentions, which may help the anger to dissipate.[viii] Say someone has belittled you at work during a team meeting. Try to change your assumptions about the individual’s behaviour. Did they feel insecure or threatened by you? Be sure to read about Self-Leadership in Conflict Resolution. You may choose to take ‘the high road’ and assume the best. How can you think about the situation differently so that you may feel better?
7. Vent to someone. This is not always ideal, as you are not dealing directly with the issue. However, it might help to express your emotions to someone who will respect your privacy, and is not involved in the situation, in order to release emotional tension. This can help you feel validated; yet avoid a confrontation that may be inappropriate, which means expressing your feelings in a non-accusatory manner. Be sure not to gossip, or if you do, make sure it is positive gossip.

Controlling Anger in the Future

Now that you have addressed your anger in the moment, it’s time to think about how you can improve yourself for the future.

1. Consult our expert advice on How to Be Confident, in order to improve your reaction, and avoid overreaction in a given situation.
2. If you are having trouble moving on and letting go of the past, learn about how you can create a positive future for yourself. Being angry forever isn’t worth it. Our blog on finding inner peace is also helpful
3. Say that you were not the one who was angry, be sure to read about how to fix a relationship and what to talk about.

Labels: bad-relationships, Body-Language, Confrontational, personal-change, How-to-Control-Anger, How-to-Manage-Anger

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[i] How to Control your Anger, NHS, UK: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/controlling-anger.aspx

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Tjosvold (1991; 134)

[iv] How to Control your Anger, NHS, UK: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/controlling-anger.aspx

[v] Ibid.

[vi] Tjosvold (1991; 133).

[vii] Ibid.

[viii] Ibid. at 136.

Active Listening Techniques

Mediate2go.com: Active Listening Techniques, Body Language

Listening is one of those skills that can always use improvement.  Having our feelings validated is one of our greatest psychological needs, so by working on your active listening skills, you are bound to improve your conflict resolution skills and even your relationships.

How is listening related to conflict?  If you harness the power of listening, you will be better able to transform conflict so it takes a more constructive path (versus a destructive and escalating one).  If you help the person you are in conflict with to feel ‘heard’, you can create a turning point that will allow both of you to discuss underlying needs and interests at the root of the tension between you. In addition, active listening can increase the level of trust with another person, so that if miscommunication is to occur in the future, it might be easier for each person to give the other the “benefit of the doubt”. Please see the Mediate2go.com blog on Building Trust and Mediate2go.com blog on How to Fix a Relationship.

Visit Mediate2go.com and sign up for a free account to learn how to actively listen to anyone in your life. Mediate2go.com will even email you free advice and how to have a dialogue!

Active listening is not rocket science but it does require some work.  Follow these guidelines:

1. Send Signals: Listening involves you and the other person.  It’s more than ‘hearing’ their words.  It requires that you send signals indicating that you heard what they said. Use verbal prompts to show that you are listening (“Okay, I hear you”, “Tell me more…”).
2. Truth is Perspective: Each person has their own version of the truth, so focus your discussions on how each of you perceive and feel about a given issue
3. Paraphrase: Use paraphrasing by repeating their idea in your own words (“So, you are telling me that…”), then do a perception check by asking if you understood them correctly
4. Body Language is Key: Listen with body language through maintaining eye contact, mirroring their facial expressions, leaning towards them, facing them and using an open body posture by keeping your arms uncrossed. As the above quote details, body language is commonly more important than what is stated verbally, so as an active listener, you must pay a great deal of attention to the body language of the person you are communicating with. Studies have revealed that between 65% and 95% of communication is done non-verbally. Feel free to ask someone questions if they appear upset in some way, if they are not verbalizing it. You can say something like, “I get the impression you are upset because of your reaction. Do you want to talk about it?” Even if they are not ready to open up and state their feelings, they have been made aware of their reaction and might be open thereafter. They are also made accountable to their reaction.
5. Space for Silence: Sometimes silence is the best medicine.  If you don’t know what to say, just be there with them
6. Eliminate Distractions: Set aside time to talk and get rid of all distractions
7. Listen First, Deliberate and Speak After: Don’t prepare your response while they are speaking.  Trust that you will remember your ideas and prepare your response when they are done 

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Avoid these common listening traps:


• Responding to someone by speaking about yourself. This is officially called an asyndetic response.  Consider asking whether the speaker would like to be listened to or prefers advice.
• False time-outs.  During heated debates when emotions are running high, people may decide to take some time to cool down.  However, we often make the mistake of taking too short of a break even though we have not physiologically calmed down.  Take at least 20 minutes to calm down from an argument. 

Try these tips and see if your conflicts and even relationships start to change.  Remember that you also deserve to be listened to.  If you feel as if someone isn’t ‘hearing’ you, ask them if they understand what you’ve expressed and don’t be scared to ask them for what you need (“Can you please look at me when I am speaking with you? Can you please make eye contact with me?”).

Let us know how it goes.  We’re listening!

Resources:

• Active Listening on Wikipedia
• NPR USA
• Colorado Program

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