Listening is one of those skills that can always use
improvement. Having our feelings validated is one of our greatest
psychological needs, so by working on your active listening skills, you are
bound to improve your conflict resolution skills and even your relationships.
How is listening related to conflict? If you harness the
power of listening, you will be better able to transform conflict so it takes a
more constructive path (versus a destructive and escalating one). If you
help the person you are in conflict with to feel ‘heard’, you can create a
turning point that will allow both of you to discuss underlying needs and
interests at the root of the tension between you. In addition, active listening
can increase the level of trust with another person, so that if
miscommunication is to occur in the future, it might be easier for each person
to give the other the “benefit of the doubt”. Please see the Mediate2go.com
blog on Building Trust and Mediate2go.com blog on How to Fix a Relationship.
Visit Mediate2go.com and
sign up for a free account to learn how to actively listen to anyone in your
life. Mediate2go.com will even
email you free advice and how to have a dialogue!
Active listening is not rocket science but it does require some
work. Follow these guidelines:
- Send
Signals:
Listening involves you and the other person. It’s more than
‘hearing’ their words. It requires that you send signals indicating that
you heard what they said. Use verbal prompts to show that you are listening
(“Okay, I hear you”, “Tell me more…”).
- Truth is
Perspective: Each person has their own version of the truth, so focus your
discussions on how each of you perceive and feel about a given
issue
- Paraphrase: Use paraphrasing by
repeating their idea in your own words (“So, you are telling me that…”), then
do a perception check by asking if you understood them correctly
- Body
Language is Key: Listen with body language through maintaining eye contact,
mirroring their facial expressions, leaning towards them, facing them and using
an open body posture by keeping your arms uncrossed. As the above quote
details, body language is commonly more important than what is stated verbally,
so as an active listener, you must pay a great deal of attention to the body
language of the person you are communicating with. Studies have revealed that between 65% and 95% of
communication is done non-verbally. Feel free to ask someone
questions if they appear upset in some way, if they are not verbalizing it. You
can say something like, “I get the impression you are upset because of your
reaction. Do you want to talk about it?” Even if they are not ready to open up
and state their feelings, they have been made aware of their reaction and might
be open thereafter. They are also made accountable to their reaction.
- Space
for Silence: Sometimes silence is the best medicine. If you don’t
know what to say, just be there with them
- Eliminate
Distractions: Set aside time to talk and get rid of all distractions
- Listen
First, Deliberate and Speak After: Don’t prepare your response while they are
speaking. Trust that you will remember your ideas and prepare your
response when they are done
Avoid these common listening traps:
- Responding to someone by speaking about yourself. This is officially
called an asyndetic response. Consider asking whether the speaker would
like to be listened to or prefers advice.
- False time-outs. During heated debates when emotions
are running high, people may decide to take some time to cool down.
However, we often make the mistake of taking too short of a break even though
we have not physiologically calmed down. Take at least 20 minutes to calm
down from an argument.
Try these tips and see if your conflicts and even relationships
start to change. Remember that you also deserve to be listened to.
If you feel as if someone isn’t ‘hearing’ you, ask them if they understand what
you’ve expressed and don’t be scared to ask them for what you need (“Can you please
look at me when I am speaking with you? Can you please make eye contact with
me?”).
Let
us know how it goes. We’re listening!
Resources:
Search: #Active-Listening-Techniques, #Body-Language, #Rebuilding-Trust, #Teamwork, #Collaboration, #mediation, #conflict-resolution, #conflict-management-techniques, #how-to-resolve-conflict
