Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce has advantages over fighting in court

Is there such a thing as friendly divorce? We think so. This blog is about how you can move past revenge towards a friendly divorce.

Mediate2go: Top 10 Songs about Divorce

If you are experiencing a divorce, check out our blog on the Top 10 Songs about Divorce and Top 10 Songs about Conflict. In addition, if you haven’t decided if you should divorce or not, read this blog about choosing whether to divorce and mediate.

Introduction to Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce satisfies needs

Family mediation is one of the most popular forms of amicable divorce available to parties. Amicable divorce provides a means to prevent what some people label as the problematic approach of family litigation. For many, family litigation is inflexible and fails to satisfy parties’ true needs. “In comparison with more formal, legal and adversarial processes, [family] mediation is characterized by an informality and mutuality that can reduce both the economic and emotional costs of dispute settlement.[1]”

Amicable divorce is flexible

Mediation is often more appropriate than litigation, given that parties are not required to follow a strict set of rules, and parties achieve emotionally satisfying results because the process has been designed to satisfy these unique needs. Amicable divorce still takes into account and must respect legislation and regulations that guide family law, but provides increased flexibility to parties to come to an amicable solution.

Differing views on amicable divorce

Some people have questioned the benefits of amicable divorce, some calling it “the good divorce myth”. In a news article from 2014, the DailyMail noted a study that questioned whether mitigating family conflict had any improved impact on children (see Amicable Divorce). Specifically, they stated that divorcing couples that try to remain friends to help their children would have little positive impact as a result of this strategy. On the contrary, much research has been done that encourages parties to reduce the level of destructive conflict between one another to benefit their children. This research, which encourages conflict resolution, does not state that couples breaking up must be friends per se; rather, but rather they must reduce the level of conflict (see also conflict escalation).

Benefits of amicable divorce and family mediation with songs

Amicable divorce helps you take care of yourself – Divorce can be one of the most difficult times for a family unit to endure. When you are kind to yourself as a divorcing parent, you will be more effective at managing yourself on a daily basis through this crisis. Family mediation provides a way for you to peacefully resolve your marriage break-up so that you may better satisfy your needs. The court system and family litigation process is not designed to help you take care of yourself.

Amicable divorce helps you learn how to address conflict – Through participating in an amicable divorce process, you may learn new skills to address conflict in your relationship with your ex, in addition to your relationships with other people. The skills you practice in an amicable divorce can help you address issues in the future. Read more about the benefits of Alternative Dispute Resolution.

Amicable divorce helps you find happiness and change – “if your marriage fails, you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, hurt, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams” (CMHA). Amicable divorce might increase the chances that you can again, satisfy your deeper needs and interests. Instead of focusing your energy on competition, arguing and fighting with your ex, amicable divorce through family mediation allows you to quickly find a way to move on.

Amicable divorce helps you prevent emotional turbulence for your children – “During a divorce, parents can do a lot to ease the child’s transition. As a divorcing parent, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems” (APA). Through amicable divorce, your children are less likely to be exposed to on-going, damaging conflict. Check out our detailed blog about managing and coping with divorce effectively when children are in the picture.

What does amicable divorce look like?

Family mediation 

Parties request the help of a neutral third party known as a mediator. The mediator works with each party to identify and clarify their deeper needs during a pre-mediation session. The second part of the process is the actual mediation, where the neutral third party helps parties identify shared concerns, exchange information, brainstorm solutions and come to an agreement. Read more about the benefits of mediation services and how ADR can help. Do you want to try it out? Find a mediator.

Collaborative law

In this process, parties would each retain the services of a collaborative lawyer. The lawyers would do their best to help parties achieve an out-of-court agreement. Failing this, the parties would be required to retain other lawyers, so as to encourage the collaborative lawyers come to an amicable solution. 

Conclusion – Amicable Divorce

Overall, amicable divorce will help you get better results than you might expect from court (in many cases). Family mediation “has produced better-quality results for both children and parents than litigated rulings.[2]” The goal of amicable divorce is to satisfy parties in many ways.

Mediation has the goal of ensuring that the parties’ human needs are met and goals achieved.[3] In this view, mediation aims to reduce the pain that parties experience as a result of intractable conflict. The mechanics of the flexible and informal mediation process help parties reduce the emotional and economic burdens of parties in dispute and the use of public resources to settle these disputes through the court.[4]

If you are faced with divorce or separation, consider trying a different approach. In the end, you are likely to save money, time and also your relationships. 

 

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[1] The Promise of Mediation

[2] The Promise of Mediation

[3] The Promise of Mediation

[4] The Promise of Mediation

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Also see our blog on the Top 10 songs about conflict – 2014.

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014 - Find a mediator

1)     Justin Bieber - Where Are U Now

This song says a lot about divorce. The person who leaves the relationship often has days, weeks or months to prepare to leave the relationship. In this song, Justin Bieber talks about how he “gave [his ex] faith, turned [her] doubt into hoping.” This may be a normal reaction for a spouse who did not initiate the separation or divorce. While ‘the initiating’ partner has ample time to process the emotional pain of the end of the relationship, the remaining partner has yet to go through this difficult grieving process.

Couples should seek the help of a therapist, especially if they have children. They can also talk to their mediator about options, and whether they feel that they are ready to go through a family mediation process. Some people prefer the more amicable divorce process of alternative dispute resolution to more expensive family litigation processes.

2)     Ariana Grande - One Last Time

This song is about adultery and moving on. Sometimes relationships end due to adultery. The partner who committed adultery might seek forgiveness and another chance to fix the relationship, even if the other person has moved on (see letting go of the past). This song shows how someone might want to continue trying, even if it is only for the short term. This is part of the grieving process – denial. Even if you “take the person home” [get back together with your ex], you are likely to feel more pain. If you are in this situation, be careful to not stay in a destructive relationship.

3)     Andy Grammer - Honey, I'm Good.

This song is about loyalty, staying true to your partner and preventing divorce. Unfortunately, many relationships end due to infidelity – which is what the lyrics, in some ways, try to prevent. “Trying to stay true” translates to fidelity. If you have made a mistake, you can always learn how to fix a relationship – what to talk about or whether to choose divorce or family mediation.

4)     Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband

This song is about expectations and fighting fair in relationships. We might have idealistic views and impose our desires of our partner. If our expectations are not realistic, we may eventually seek divorce or separation. Why does divorce happen? Usually, it’s not about the smaller things, like not “buying groceries” or “seeing your family more than mine”. Couples often divorce because one partner has been resenting feeling lonely, or they have not succeeded in resolving conflict effectively (see the blog on why couples divorce).

The song also discusses the need to “Just apologize” “After every fight”. While Meghan Trainor asks for an apology even if she is wrong, it shows the importance of resolving conflict effectively in relationships and fighting fair. It’s important to avoid blame and the desire for revenge. The same goes for the divorce process - parties should seek mediation services to fight fair (Family Fights: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict).

5)     B**** Better Have My Money (Rihanna)

The song is about conflict escalation and divorce settlements. It represents the nasty side of divorce when parties choose to go to court rather than to mediate (and use ADR). Rhianna takes an aggressive and exaggerated approach to getting her money. Even if the money is owed after a divorce, an aggressive approach is likely to backfire. We recommend that parties try mediation, because mediation offers various benefits that encourage parties to jointly resolve issues together, saving them time, money and frustration (see Benefits of Mediation).

6)     Florida Georgie Line – Sippin’ on Fire

This is another song about cheating. Florida Georgie Line speaks about the passion and desire of the human heart, and the unfortunate realities of people going “round the truth” – meaning: continuing an extra-marital relationship without deciding whether to stay in the relationship or to leave the relationship.  The song says “Every goodbye is bittersweet, So why should we fight what we both need?”

Often, individuals in relationships have sexual desires, but they do not feel at ease or know how to be honest and open with their partner. They avoid the confrontation and fail to seek the help of a marriage therapist to facilitate communicating their needs and working through their feelings. Instead, they continue the affair, which usually leads to divorce or a destructive relationship.

7)     Nick Jonas – Chains

This song is about being in a destructive relationship. Let’s face it, some marriages should never have started, let alone continue for years. This song is about being comfortable with discomfort, and staying in a relationship that keeps us in “chains”. If you are in a destructive relationship, read about it and seek help from someone who cares about you or a marriage therapist.

8)     Sia – Elastic Heart

This song is about moving on. No matter the challenge you face during divorce, you are resilient and can face any challenge with the right amount of support. Even if your partner leaves you, you are not broken. As Sia says, continue to “fight for peace”. This song encourages adaptability in times of change, extreme pain, and grief.

9)     Rachel Platten – Fight song

This song is all about gaining self-confidence after a difficult and destructive conflict. Rachel discusses a more adversarial approach to conflict “with power’s turned on”. Although the lyrics are positive in many ways, (“starting right now I’ll be strong”) a more aggressive approach to divorce might lead to further conflict escalation. This isn’t to say that confidence is a bad thing. We all need confidence, especially after divorce or separation. Use this song to motivate yourself to move on, but still try mediation services to ensure that everyone’s interests are met.

10)   Pharrel Williams - Happy

This song signifies the goals of alternative dispute resolution and amicable divorce –to help parties resolve their conflict, move on and feel happy again. Life is too short to dwell on the past. Happiness is to be felt by parents and children alike. If you are able to focus your energy on finding a new and effective way to communicate with your divorced partner, you are more likely to feel happy in your new life. In addition, your children will have an easier time adapting to this new familial reality. There are many benefits to mediation services, so what’s the harm of trying it out?

Cheating in Relationships - Advice on Adultery

Cheating in Relationships - Advice on Adultery

Adultery, infidelity, emotional adultery, affairs, cheaters, emotional infidelity or simply cheating in a relationship. In the words of Sam Smith, "I know I'm not the only one". What do you do about it? How do I resolve this conflict?

"Why do women cheat?" "Why do men cheat?"

Individually, our need for affirmation and attention, how we manage our boundaries, and how capable we are of being loyal to our partner are all relevant. Attention is powerful. We all want to feel wanted, and some people are more vulnerable than others to the advances of someone outside the marriage. Some individuals are better able to make decisions about healthy boundaries (and poor boundaries can lead to situations that are dangerous). And some people just aren't capable of having the empathy or loyalty needed to be true to a partner.

In the relationship, having unmet needs can be part of the picture. If we are lacking affection or connection, we can be more vulnerable to situations and personal urges.
 
Situations arise that are simply dangerous. Private conversations that seem harmless... working intimately with someone...having someone else make advances that we aren't prepared for...can all contribute to why an affair happened. I believe that the crazy "connected" world we live in has led to an increase in opportunities to create connections outside our relationships. (see my blog on how social media threatens marriages). 

I often meet people who either suspect their partner is cheating, or have discovered they are. Let's talk about how to manage those situations.

Signs of Infidelity  

Looking for emotional affair signs?  How to catch a cheater?

How Can I Tell? Be careful not to make assumptions. 

You can't know for certain, unless you have evidence. Most typically, affairs leave evidence; they do get discovered if you are paying attention. Gut instincts are often accurate, but there are also many reasons partners pull away or change.

Pay attention to your gut, and to your partner's behaviours, but only express what is REAL, and don't make accusations. So it's appropriate to say "I feel less connected to you lately", "It worries me that your phone is never around", "We're making love less and I don't know why", "You used to cuddle up against me at night and you've stopped."  Try to stick with what is really happening, and not make accusations based on fears alone. See where that goes. You might get important information about what they're experiencing or need. This can help you fix your relationship, without a fight going bad.

If there's been cheating in the past, it's okay to say "when you ___, I get scared that I'm not enough...that it will happen again".

What should I do if I my partner cheats?

Digging/snooping is both understandable and disrespectful.

If you truly believe your partner is cheating (if you've expressed concerns and in return get defensiveness, blame, or denial of a problem), then I wouldn't judge you if you did some digging, but in general...if you want to build trust with your partner... act in a trusting way.

I often have clients who rhyme off the fears they have and what supports their fears, then they say "Wait a minute...I truly don't believe this is happening." They want to be helped into a more trusting place. In this case, focus on the evidence that your partner is loyal, and stop snooping. It will feed your mistrust. In this case, don't spy on your spouse!

If you Discover an Affair.

If you discover your partner is cheating, clearly you both have some decisions to make about what you want. There are no rules; some people can't stay together after a small incident, and some couples can rebuild after a major breach of trust. Seeking a good therapist can help you sort out your reactions and needs, but no one can make this decision for you. 

If one person leaves before it's talked about, often the other person is left with unresolved emotions and unanswered questions. Again, a therapist can help you make sense of what's happened, even though you may not ever know the full truth. 

If you decide to leave, then read our blog about when to choose therapy and when to divorce, and then consult a mediator.

If you're staying together...know what you need and ask for it. 

Should I stay or Should I go? How will you move on?

• Ask. Many people in your position need information about the affair. You might ask yourself, why do men cheat, or why do women cheat? It depends on the person. You deserve to know why, and if the relationship is to be repaired, it's vital for all your questions to be answered. Remember, don't stay in a destructive relationship.
• Needs. You might need comfort and to be reminded that it's not your fault. It's easy to be angry, but expressing your vulnerable needs to someone who just hurt you isn't easy but it can help the healing process, if they can respond with care. Also, your partner isn't your only source of support. Spend time with people who love you. 
• Express Respectfully. You certainly will need to express all kinds of emotions, and your partner can be expected to hear and tolerate those emotions if they're expressed safely. Belittling, verbal abuse or relentless punishing won't help you rebuild trust and will cement resentment. Don't let conflict escalate, as it will just make things more complicated.
• Request Transparency. You will likely benefit from greater transparency. If you're not already, sharing email, phone and social media passwords is a strong gesture of openness that builds trust. 
• Don't Avoid. Affairs that aren't addressed quickly create cavities of despair and mistrust in the life of a marriage. Burying it in the sand and not addressing it is dangerous. If you have trouble talking about it, seeing a qualified therapist can help start the conversation.

"I cheated on my husband." "I cheated on my wife."

You need to be honest with yourself and your partner. Maybe it was impulse, or it happened over a long period. You might feel a great deal of guilt. Seek the help of a trained therapist to know what to do next. 

Cheating in Relationships - Mediate to Go

About the Author – Cheating in Relationships - Advice on Adultery

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Should I stay or should I go? When to Choose Therapy and When to Divorce

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

How do I know if I should be in couples therapy, or on the road to separation, divorce and mediation

Do you wonder if the grass is greener when the waters get rough in your marriage?  It’s normal in any relationship to have those “I don’t like you right now” thoughts (hopefully rephrased if spoken aloud). Conflict is inevitable, and very healthy if it is resolved. But when those thoughts turn into more serious questioning about whether you should stay or go, it’s time to do some serious thinking, because having, and voicing, those thoughts can further threaten a fragile partnership.  

It may be time to stop second-guessing your commitment, and bravely face the question: Should I stay or should I go?  

In part, the answer differs depending on what stage you’re in.

Early stage relationships:  

If, in the first few months to a year of being with someone, your ‘gut’ doesn’t feel right or there is a lot of unhealthy conflict, there is good reason to simply go your separate ways. It probably won’t get much better than that early period where we put our best face forward.

But ending even a short-term relationship can be difficult. We wrap so much of our self-esteem in whether a relationship lasts or not. At this beginning stage, though, it’s important to realize that you’re both looking for a good match. It’s not personal. Just because you initially like someone or have had a good email exchange doesn’t mean you’re a good match. Just because you’re not a good match doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Stop trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and move forward knowing there’s a better match out there for both of you. There would be less divorce if people listened to their early doubts and avoided getting stuck in something that doesn’t feel good right out of the gate.

Established Relationships

You’ve been together for a while, and you realize you’re having thoughts about leaving the relationship. Every situation is unique, but let’s talk generally about good and bad reasons to stay or leave.

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

BAD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Mediation

• (Only) For the kids.   While being a parent might mean putting some extra effort into trying to resolve things before you throw in the towel, it’s never a good idea to stay only for the children.  Children need happy parents who aren’t in constant destructive conflict. I believe that having parents in negative conflict affects children more seriously than divorce or separation.
• (Only) Money.  I get that there are practicalities involved, but know that your community is abundant with options for assistance. 
• Fear of being alone.  If you have been dependent on your partner, a therapist can help you learn to address these fears.  Amazing things can happen when you kick fear out of the picture. Also, be sure to read about destructive relationships and building confidence.
• To buffer the children from the other parent.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek support.  Staying out of fear that your partner will do more harm to the children if you leave is not healthy thinking. 
• You don’t want to hurt your partner (leaving is hard). Sympathy is never a good reason to stay. You both deserve better than that. No, leaving a marriage isn’t easy, but that’s no reason to put off being happy.
• (Only) Because you love them, or they love you.  If that’s the only thing holding you together…if you’re in pain and everything else says it’s not working, then love is just not enough.

GOOD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Mediation

When there is something you fundamentally need that the relationship can’t provide.  Following are some examples of this.

• Disrespect/Abuse. You or your children are being hurt.  Abuse is a recurring pattern of hurtful or controlling behaviours that create a power imbalance. Safety comes first. Read this about unhealthy relationships.
• Addiction.  If you have a partner who is in an addiction and not seeking treatment or taking responsibility.
• Dishonesty and secrecy.  If you don’t know whether you are getting the truth or not, it’s impossible (and perhaps unwise) to try to build trust.
• Infidelity.   While good people can make bad mistakes, and infidelity can be worked through with a therapist’s help, infidelity can also indicate a lack of empathy, or an inability to draw appropriate boundaries of safety around the relationship. 
• You’ve lost the desire to be together and you don’t want it back.  If you or your partner already have one foot out the door, it’s best to recognize it and be honest about it.    

BAD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Therapy

• You’re unhappy.  Are you blaming your relationship for your personal unhappiness or depression? Sometimes our partners and relationships take on an ugly hue when we’re not in our own personal happy place. Try using a therapist to learn healthy thinking patterns, and see how that changes the picture.
• Your relationship doesn’t feel the same as it used to.  Marriages go through stages, and it’s natural for that early passionate intensity to lessen with time. Be your best self, and communicate clearly about what you feel and need.
• You argue a lot. Conflict can be made healthier, and conflict resolution can be taught. Habits can be changed, and patterns can be altered. Clarity about whether to leave or stay can also be assisted by my “basket” theory:  put a relationship problem into a basket in order to determine how to handle them. Read about destructive relationships and unhealthy relationships.
• Your partner has changed (or you have, and they refuse to).  Some people change, and some don’t. Definitely, people change when they want to, not when it suits us. Try seeing a therapist if you both want to better understand and connect with each other through personal change.
• You’ve stopped trying.  Have you stopped feeding your relationship? Are you expecting changes from your partner and ignoring what you can do to improve the situation? Try increasing your own effort (and your empathy) to be loving, and see what happens.
• Your partner doesn’t know what you need.  Are you communicating your unhappiness? Ending a relationship without clearly letting your partner know what you need may be less than fair. Ask for what you need.
• Hurtful things have happened.  People make mistakes, and with effort, empathy, taking responsibility and forgiveness, wrongs can be righted and the past can move farther away. 

GOOD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Therapy

Both parties are ready to use a therapist and work hard to make things better.  In spite of issues X, Y and Z, you both desperately want to be together and are willing to work at it in therapy and make personal changes. I have worked with a lot of couples in the last twenty years, and I can’t guess outcomes. I have been very surprised by couples who have made me wonder why on earth they were together, and then suddenly something shifts and the space is created for a different way of being together. If you both want it to work, and you both have the energy to commit to doing something differently, then ANYTHING is possible.

Ultimately, no one can tell you how long to stay in a relationship that feels uncomfortable.  This is intended only as a guideline to clarify a muddy picture. Remember that if you decide to stay, therapy can assist in building intimacy and communication skills.  If you decide to leave, mediation can be useful when negotiations fall apart.

About the Author: Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.