Conflict Coaching in Organizations

Organizational conflict coaching: Informal, independent, neutral conflict management and dispute resolution

“The Organizational Ombudsman is like a smoke-watcher, if we see signs of smoke we will investigate and, if there is a fire we will make recommendations on putting it out and preventing future fires in that area. No one expects fire, but if it does occur we need a trained eye to direct us to the source, quickly, expertly and safely”.

Dr David Miller. Organizational Ombudsman, The Global Fund. Geneva.

 

Conflict Coaching in Organizations

Introduction to Conflict Coaching in Organizations

We all deserve a positive work environment, a place where we can enjoy our work for a job well done. When handled constructively, conflict is a normal and useful part of life. In fact, conflict can be good for business and can increase innovation. However, if left unresolved people may not feel their workplace is positive. It will lead to low morale and you may even notice that productivity is lost. In extreme cases, people may have health problems associated with conflict. This is especially true in the case of workplace bullying.

Many organisations have a formal conflict management system in place, encouraging staff to use the process if they get into workplace conflict. As with many formal processes, staff can be reluctant to engage due to fear of  retaliation, loss of relationships or other consequences.

The work of the Organizational Ombudsman as a conflict coach  is a complementary addition to an existing formal system. The informal nature of the conflict coach fosters conflict management and resolution of disputes quickly whilst reducing the cost of conflict both in dollar terms and human cost. Conflict coaching can help parties manage conflict escalation and resolve conflict.

What situations at work could I sort out with coaching?

• My supervisor is grumpy with me all the time. I don’t understand why.
• The foreman seems to have favourites and I’m not one of them.
• The person I work with goes too slow and ignores my plea to work harder.
•  I think I’m being treated differently than other people because I’m from another country.
• I’m feeling bullied by the others. There is so much gossip where I work.

What does workplace conflict coaching offer?

•  Strengthen your ability and confidence to take steps to resolve issues.
• Assist with negotiations between people
• Listen and help you develop options to address issues and assess the consequences of these options.
• Provide information and clarification on company procedures and practices.
•  Identify other avenues of help outside the workplace.
•  Give the organization valuable insight into the issues facing staff so they can address systemic problems. (via anonymous reporting with consent)

What is a typical workplace coaching session?

In well-resourced organizations, the office of the Ombudsman is available for personal visits and contact by phone. For example, in New Zealand where the use of conflict coaching is new, enlightened organizations offer a limited service relaying on set days when the coach will be on site. In this situation, the coach offers to be available by phone on other days and will agree to meet with staff privately away from the workplace. They might also be available through video conference in email, such as within Online Dispute Resolution.

Conversations between coach and client are a one-to-one process so the client can increase competence and confidence to manage their interpersonal conflict and dispute. It is a future-oriented and voluntary process that focuses on the client’s conflict management goals. Conflict coaching is not counseling or therapy. The coach will not provide advice or act as your agent, representative or lawyer. Usually there will be several sessions, the first used to reach agreement about the boundaries of coaching and the client.

Primary role and responsibilities of the coach include:

a)      Help the client identify conflict management goals and steps required to reach them.

b)     Co-create a relationship that supports and facilitates the client’s efforts to reach their goals.

c)     Assist the client, manage or resolve a dispute or prevent one from escalating unnecessarily.

d)     Help the client strengthen their knowledge, skills and abilities to engage more effectively in conflict.

e)     Manage the coaching process through a step-by-step process where appropriate.

The client agrees to:

a)      Communicate honestly with the coach.

b)     Be willing to co-create the relationship and identify the best way to collaborate to ensure progress.

c)     Be open to the coach’s observation and input.

d)     Provide feedback to the coach on their experience of the coaching process and the working relationship.

e)     Be accountable for doing the work required to reach their goals.

f)      Be solely responsible for their decisions and actions regarding their goals.

The coach will maintain complete confidentiality about the content of the coaching sessions unless:

a)      Disclosure of the information is authorized by the client in writing.

b)     The client reveals intent to harm others or themselves.

c)     The information is required on an anonymous basis for educational or statistical purposes (no identifiable names and information are used).

d)     Required by applicable laws.

About the Author - Conflict Coaching in Organizations

Wayne Marriott.Conflict coach; Mediator and Conciliator. Wayne is based in New Zealand. He offers services face to face in New Zealand and by phone everywhere.

Setting Boundaries to Resolve Conflict

Setting Boundaries to Resolve Conflict

Don't know where the future's headed

But nothing's gonna bring me down

Adam Lambert – No Boundaries

Introduction -  Setting boundaries to Resolve Conflict

Feeling Uncomfortable? Set a Boundary

Not too long ago, we wrote a blog about boundaries called Feeling Uncomfortable? Set a Boundary! This laid the foundation for better understanding how we manage the space between others and ourselves. We also introduced theory to explain tensions between being close and distant with others – tensions that are constantly in balance in all of our relationships. 

But what next? How to fix a relationship in relation to a boundary? How does one take this information and apply it within daily life?  How does one deal with or manage a conflict where a boundary is involved? Does every conflict involve some sort of boundary issue?

To start, we recommend being a self leader and taking responsibility in conflict situations. We wrote a blog about self leadership and conflict resolution, which discusses a model to help you feel powerful in relationships.

Common types of boundary violations

Someone around me is angry

It’s hard to not get caught up in someone else’s anger. Anger can come across as very aggressive, and can distract us from what we are doing or thinking. If the anger is from someone in public, and it is not directed towards you, escape from the situation. Remind yourself  there is nothing you can do, and get out of there. Now, if the anger is based on something that you might be  responsible for, you need to take a different approach. Look at our blog on dealing with anger and how to manage anger to learn more about this.

Someone around me is stressed

This is also a difficult emotion to deal with. Not only is it an emotion, it becomes a physiological response, which makes it even more challenging to manage. Someone else’s stress might easily become yours' within minutes or seconds if you do not stay focused  and reinforce your interpersonal boundaries with the person. If you want to improve your boundaries around someone who is stressed, feel free to tell the person that you are starting to feel stressed as a result of their stress. You can say something like,”I feel anxious that you were talking about that. I think everything will be fine.” Or, if you want to help that person deal with their stress, feel free to do so, but make sure that the person gets the help that they need. Also, it is important for you to have your own stress reduction strategy, whatever that looks like to you. Do you go to the gym regularly? Do you do yoga? How do you feel relaxed and what can you do you want a regular basis to reduce your level of stress overall?

Someone around me is offensive

If someone around you said something that you feel uncomfortable about, you can manage your response in several different ways based on your goals and the impact you’re looking to have in the situation. Is there way for you to can state your needs through having a constructive confrontation? This is often the best way of getting your message across, while making sure that you are not offending someone and escalating the conflict unnecessarily. Otherwise, it might even be appropriate to react based on your first instinct or feeling. If you do not think that you will be put in a dangerous situation as a result of your response, and your reputation will not be hurt, feel free to go with it.

Someone around me is jealous

Jealousy is pretty complicated and may require that someone in the situation must work on their confidence. Although you might want to set an obvious boundary with the other person, is important to try to be empathetic to their situation. This is not to say that you should do something that you are not comfortable with or take it lightly if someone wants to take revenge. However, your empathy can go a long way to help resolve a potential conflict. Remember, you are not responsible for their feelings. However, one of the best ways of getting out of the situation is by doing precisely that, get out of it.

Someone around me is in a conflict

Have you ever been around someone that is in conflict with someone else, and you inadvertently started to take on their view or feel the same way toward the other person? This is often part of a conflict escalation cycle, when people start to form groups as result of a conflict that becomes increasingly confusing and messy. It is hard to stay neutral in a conflict. One of the best ways to manage this boundary is by using conflict resolution skills. Even better, take leadership in the situation and help the person see things in a new way. Ask yourself if it is worth getting involved and hurting your own relationship with that other person for something that may or may not have happened. It takes two to tango, so if there is a conflict, both parties have probably contributed in some way. At the same time, gossip can be a good thing in particular situations. Think about these ideas and make the right decision for you.

                                                                                                                         

Conflict Resolution -Top 8 tips to resolve conflict

Conflict Resolution -Top 8 tips to resolve conflict

Conflict Resolution -Top 10 tips to resolve conflict from Mediate to Go

Introduction to Conflict Resolution

Man must evolve for all human conflict, a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Definition of Conflict

What is conflict? Conflict means “discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles”, and an “incompatibility or interference, as of one idea, desire, event, or activity with another”  (Dictionary.com). Other words for conflict include collision and opposition. Conflict often leads to a great deal of pain, leaving people wanting inner peace.

Areas and levels of conflict

Conflict can take place in interpersonal relationships within the family and in the outside world, and at various other levels, including intrapersonal conflict (conflict within the self), departmental, organizational, community-based, regional-based, national and international conflicts.

Often, conflicts take place at varying levels at the same time. For example, you might have a conflict at work with a colleague, but at the same time, the organization, by failing to address the issue right away, creates a conflict between yourself and the organization. Here are some examples of levels of conflict in an organizational setting.

Conflict Escalation

The most challenging part of conflict relates to conflict escalation. Typically, conflict escalates between parties so that issues become bigger than necessary, parties become increasingly angry with one another, they focus on blaming each other and issues become increasingly complex and difficult to resolve. Even if parties want to fix the relationship, it becomes increasingly difficult.

Ways to address conflict. Formal vs. Informal (alternative dispute resolution)

In many areas of life, the traditional way of resolving an issue was to fight in court. Whether its divorce or a workplace dispute, parties would file a complaint or an action in court to address the issue. This type of approach, including labour arbitration, is adversarial, rights based and more formal. Parties ask a third party to make a decision, often leading to a win-lose situation. Read about the differences between mediation and arbitration. On the other hand, conflict resolution is now more about alternative dispute resolution, this means issues are addressed outside of formalized processes. Parties try to fix their relationship and resolve issues in a non-adversarial way, and only resort to a formal approach if the informal is unsuccessful.

Top 10 tips to resolve conflict

1. Don’t avoid the conflict. You might fear conflict and confrontation due to a fear of being rejected. Conflict can be positive for you, your relationships and your organization. Conflict can actually be good for business, leading to innovation. The key is to build your confidence to address the issue. Know that everything will work out.
2. Manage your anger. Take some time to breath, relax and reflect, if you feel you might explode. Ideally, you bring up your feelings immediately in the situation, if you feel safe. However, there is nothing wrong with finding the right time to discuss an issue. This can reduce the likelihood of escalation.
3. Reflect, don’t blame. We have the tendency to blame others. If you try hard, you can put yourself in the other’s shoes. What might they have felt in the situation? How would it have felt for them. It’s uncomfortable, but put time and effort into this.
4. Don’t stay if it’s a destructive relationship. Is the conflict reoccurring? Think about whether the conflict is destructive. Sometimes we stay in destructive relationships, but no matter the resolution, it will be short lived without addressing the deeper issues. If you can’t decide if you should divorce or not, read about how to choose between mediation and therapy.
5. Learn about negotiation and how to negotiate. Often, conflict resolution requires people to negotiate to ask what they are looking for.
6. Confront the person in a respectful way. We call this a constructive confrontation, where we prepare to discuss our concerns with someone in a respectful way, focusing on our feelings, not blaming the other.
7. Take leadership in the situation. Become a self-leader in conflict resolution. To be a self-leader, you need to be powerful. Follow our LEADER acronym to address issues effectively to resolve conflicts in your life.
8. Learn about conflict resolution and how to fix a relationship. Listen to our Top 10 songs about conflict to learn about typical types of conflict, and ways that people typically resolve issues.

Top 10 Songs about Conflict - 2014

Mediate2go Blogger, Ashton Bult, has compiled a list of the top 10 songs about conflict and songs about conflict resolution in 2014. Read his description and analysis of conflict and conflict resolution in relation to each song. What songs do you think are missing from this list? Be sure to leave a comment at the end of the blog with your opinion. Thanks for reading (and listening)! Also, be sure to check out the Mediate to Go Top 10 tips on how to resolve conflict and Songs about Conflict Management Styles.

1.    ‘Shake It Off’ by Taylor Swift

A song about conflict avoidance, managing anger and moving on.

‘Shake It Off’ was one of the top hits of 2014, and an anthem towards conflict. Rather than dealing with the conflict itself however, Taylor tells her listeners to ignore the haters, and just be you.

2.    ‘Black Widow’ by Iggy Azales

A song about destructive relationships and confrontation

‘Black Widow’ deals with a nasty relationship between the artist and her partner. She is choosing to attack her ex-partner for the way he treated her. Though this song may not be a positive solution towards conflict, it defiantly involves direct conflict. We recommend using constructive conflict.

3.    ‘Don’t’ by Ed Sheeran

A song about bad relationships

This song discusses a conflict of interests and values between a man and his lover. He believes that his lover, although not serious, is faithful to him. However, she knows that he isn’t interested, and chooses to bed multiple men. With two differing opinions on the same subject, the conflict is created through intercourse.

4.    ‘I’m Not The Only One’ by Sam Smith

A song about infidelity, self-leadership and avoidance.

This song deals with infidelity. This man is married to a woman who is with another man. He has approached her about the subject, but she brushes him off multiple times. He chooses to avoid conflict, and not make an issue of this serious subject.
 

 

5.    ‘Blame’ by Calvin Harris

A song about blame, trust and self-responsibility.

This song deals with a man who had an ex-lover over to his home, after which his girlfriend became jealous and leaves him. He is regretful and wants to apologize. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions however, he passes the blame to timing. He is refusing to admit he is part of this conflict.

6.    ‘Anaconda’ by Nicki Minaj

A song about boundaries, self-confidence and self-empowerment.

This song, and especially its music video, caused a storm of conflicts about its appropriateness and sexual imagery. Parents of children were horrified that the song itself and imagery could negatively affect their children, and it glorified sex. However, Nicki Minaj maintains that beneath the surface, the lyrics themselves convey a strong message.
To me personally, the lyrics represent personal boundries, self-confidence within conflict and self-empowerment.
(WARNING: Explicit video)

7.    ‘Rather Be’ by Clean Bandit

This song is about the benefits of conflict and conflict resolution.

This song deals with a couple searching life together, yet at the same time not caring as long as they have each other. This song talks about previous conflicts, and the aftermath and peace after it has been resolved. They have moved on, and are ready to be together forever. This shows how conflict can enrich relationships.

8.    ‘The Hanging Tree’ by Jennifer Lawrence

This song is about confrontation and destructive conflict.

‘The Hanging Tree’ was a featured song in the recent movie ‘Mockingjade’, sung by Jennifer Lawrence herself. Though the song does not have conflict specifically woven into the lyrics, the song represented a war between the factions and the Capitol. It also symbolizes the effects of direct conflict, how it can damage both parties.

9.    ‘Bang Bang’ by Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj

A song about multi-party conflicts and conflict dynamics.

‘Bang Bang’ deals with a three-way conflict between Jessie J, a desirable man and his high school sweetheart. Jessie J wants to steal the man away from his girlfriend, using her looks and bad girl personality as an incentive. If she achieves this, she will cause multiple conflicts between all parties involved.

10.    'All About That Bass' by Meghan Trainor

A song about confidence and self-leadership.

This song deals with conflict with oneself as well as misconception by the general public and media. This is an anthem to let go of these conflicts, and simply be comfortable with whom you are. Here are some ways to move on, take self-leadership and build your self-esteem to resolve conflict.

 

About the Blogger:

Ashton, Mediate2go Communications Blogger
Ashton Bult is a graduate of tourism studies, with a strong interest in media outreach. He spends his free time winning water polo games and reading several books a week. Ashton also acts, dances and choreographs in a Drama club in Auckland.

What is Conflict? Don't let fights go bad.

What is conflict? Don’t let fights go bad.

Conflict may be defined as an incompatibility of values, beliefs, interests and/or positions.[i] But are conflicts truly caused by an incompatibility, or simply a perception thereof? What is conflict? Can conflict be a good thing?

When you think of the word conflict, what do you feel? Stress, worry, discomfort…? If you have experienced destructive conflict, these strong emotions are understandable. As mediators, we prefer to see conflict as an opportunity for positive change, whether it is personal, relational, organizational, or societal in nature. We believe that conflict is a normal and healthy part of our lives in relationships, families, workplaces and communities. Conflict may present itself due to real or perceived incompatibilities between those involved, but conflict needn’t be destructive. So, we must ask ourselves, what makes one type of conflict destructive and the other constructive?

One of the founding researchers in conflict resolution, Morton Duetsch, suggested that conflict itself is not negative or positive. Rather, we as individuals, determine how conflict takes shape, be is positive or negative, constructive or destructive.[ii]

Destructive Conflict:

When a “fight goes bad”, these primary characteristics, are often present due to competitive and ridged behaviours of those involved:

• Escalation: conflict escalates and goes “out of control” in a given dispute,
• Retaliation: the reasons for the conflict are forgotten, and the parties aim to hurt or retaliate against one another,
• Outcome-focused: opportunities for mutual gain are forgotten, as is the potential for mutual gain,
• Negative Spiral: the negative outcome of one conflict situation often carries to future interactions, leading to negative conflict spiraling,

Constructive Conflict:

We encourage our clients to remember the benefits of particular behaviours to increase the chances of constructive conflict resolution. These behaviours are adaptive, based on the people involved, the context and the substantive issues at play. The first two points are attributed to Deutsch, cited above, and the last three are attributed to Mary Parker Follett, another pivotal scholar in the field of dispute resolution. Here are some characteristics of constructive conflict.

• Process-focused: strong focus on the process of conflict resolution, not only the goal of arriving to a conclusion,
• Mutual Gain: aim to balance the interests and needs of all parties involved, and to increase the chances of mutual gain,
• Improved Relationships: realizing that by dealing with our differences, we improve the depth of our relationship(s),[iii]
• Shared Power: when we share power with others and the organization with which we work, we are more capable of collaborating,[iv]
• Increased Power: Individuals should be empowered as a group to increase conflict resolution,[v]

In conclusion, conflict is a potential or actual incompatibility between two or more parties. In order to prevent a conflict from becoming destructive, we recommend that you do not think that a fight goes bad per se. Rather, the behaviour that we choose, contributes to a more destructive or constructive conflict cycle. This reminds us that that we have the power to help turn a potentially negative conflict situation into something positive. Next, we recommend focusing on the process of resolving conflict, the benefits of mutually gain, striving to improve the relationship and lastly, increasing shared power to improve the likelihood of constructive conflict resolution. Through focusing on constructive conflict, we are more likely to realize that these perceived incompatibilities are simply that, perceived, and that a mutually beneficial outcome is possible.

---

[i] See generally http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conflict.
[ii] Deutsch, M. 1973. Conflicts: Productive and destructive. In Conflict resolution through communication, edited by F. E. Jandt. New York: Harper & Row.
[iii] See generally Mary Parker Follett
[iv] Ibid.
[v] Ibid.

Peer Mediation Resources

Mediate2go.com: Peer Mediation Resources

We have compiled a list of peer mediation resources that will help you design, implement and evaluate a peer mediation program. Please add your resources in the comment area below. Also, see our introduction to peer mediation in schools and our blogs which are great to share with your social media followers (and students) on trust, fighting fair and active listening. Be sure to try out our case manager for free, which will allow you to manage your entire peer mediation program, including intake of cases, management of client information, digitized agreements and more. Read about the best case manager.

1. Needs Assessment:
• Creating a positive school environment by Indiana.edu: Safe and Responsive Schools: Peer Mediation Fact Sheet
• Managing School Conflict: the Peer Mediation Approach by CFCJ.
2. Program Design:
• Peer Mediation in the UK: A Guide for Schools
• Introduction to Peer Mediation Youth in Action: Want to Resolve a Dispute? Try Mediation
• Example of program design, with activities by UMaine.edu Guide for Grades 4-8
• Elements of peer mediation programs by SpecialEducationGuide.com: Elements of Peer-To-Peer Support Programs
3. Program Implementation
• Coordinators Manual by Mass.gov
• Resource Guide by educationscotland.gov.uk
• Resource Guide by PromotePrevent.org: Conflict Resolution Education A Guide to Implementing Programs in Schools, Youth-Serving Organizations, and Community and Juvenile Justice Settings.
• Resources Guide on peer mediation for grades 9-12
• PowerPoint on Peer Mediation by Alabama ADRC
4. Evaluation
• Guide to Program Evaluation by Fraserhealth.com
• Students Resolving Conflict: Peer Mediation in School By Richard Cohen

Mediate2go.com: Peer Mediation Resources

Search: "Peer Mediation", "Starting a peer mediation program", "how to peacefully resolve conflict", "conflict resolution", "kids conflict resolution"

Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends to deal with family fights, from a problem solving perspective.

I have often thought of making this into a flow chart…think of it as such.  The process starts with the question… “Whose problem is this?”  at the top of the page.  If it is something that has you upset, it’s your problem.  If your partner is upset about something, it’s their problem, and if both of you are upset, then it’s shared.  The important part of starting with this question is that everything that happens after this…your role in the process…depends on whose problem it is.  Many problems are made worse when we forget this simple step and act as though the problem is ours when it’s not.

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Step 1:  The person with the problem will need to determine the size of the problem, in order to determine whether it is something that needs discussing.  Try to put problems into a basket!!!

Step 2: for the person without the problem:  If the problem is your partner’s…all you really have to do is listen openly so that you can understand.  Make this your only goal to start.  Put away the defending and the “yes…buts’”.  Don’t say a word until you believe that you understand and calmly restate what their concern is.  You can ask questions if you don’t get it.  An example… Person A says “When you say you’re going to take out the garbage and you don’t…I get frustrated with how it builds up. It smells bad.”  Listen, then maybe ask “Do you mean that you expect me to do it every week or that you want to know whether I realistically have time, and if I don’t…I should say so?”  And so on until it is understood.  The listener can remember that there is no expectation that miracles will happen…the speaker just wants to be heard most of the time.  Nothing needs to be fixed necessarily…just heard.

Mediate2go.com has everything you need to try to have a peaceful discussion with someone else. It's free, so sign up today!

Step 3: for the person with the problem:  Okay, back to the first question…if the problem is yours, and you have determined that it is in basket B… State the problem calmly, without accusatory tones or words (avoid words like “fault… never…always…blame”).  Avoid swearing, yelling, name calling, put-downs (you won’t… and shouldn’t .. get heard if you do this).  Try a formula of “When you ____, I feel ___ because ____.”  

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Remember that no one causes your emotions.  The problem is a problem because your personal reaction defines it as such… someone different may be more tolerant of certain behaviours.    Simply state the problem.  You don’t need to drive it into the ground.  They heard you and your words have more power if they are simple and clear.  If there is something specific you expect them to do that is serious (think basket C) you can make clear strong statements about your expectations…but no threats.  But remember, you can’t make them do anything, so focus on your clear and respectful delivery, and not your expectations.  Any time your goal is about getting someone else to do something differently, you’re in for trouble.

Step 4:  If the Problem is Shared:  This is the tricky part.  You both are upset and both trying to be heard.  Often times, a problem starts out as one person’s and becomes shared and more complex when the expression of the problem becomes part of the problem (“Sure I forgot the garbage again, but did you have to overreact like that and dump it all over the yard?”)  If you have followed the steps above, fewer things will fit into this category.  But if you’re already there…it’s a process of taking turns speaking and listening.  Think of it as two separate problems and treat it as such, using the process above.  Put yourself back in that sandbox and remember to share the time and take turns listening… if you want to be heard, you have to listen too.

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Some general DON’TS:  

• Don’t tell your partner what to do.  Commands are not respectful.  
• Don’t attack.  
• Don’t roll your eyes or get sarcastic (Oh…okay well I’ll do the garbage every freakin day then…how’s that?”)  
• Don’t bring up the last twenty times they did the same thing, or the time they insulted your mother and you’ll never forget it…it’s called ‘kitchen sinking’ to bring up past problems.  
• Keep it to the present situation.  
• Don’t tell all your friends about the issues in your marriage.  
• Don’t bring things up when you’re about to sleep and it’s dark.

Some general DO’S:  

• Do find out when it’s a good time to discuss a problem.  
• Do keep it brief.  No long lectures.  
• Do scale the problem first…”this is a 2 out of 10, so it’s not a biggie…” This helps shrink a problem before you even talk about it.  
• Do take a time-out if you feel you’re going to explode (time outs are not about ditching the issue though…state where you will be and how long it will be before you will be ready to discuss it.  
• Do address very small items in front of the kids so they can see you resolving it, but save the biggies for private talks.

Know your partner and yourself and what you both need.  Talk about your conflict resolution process and what things work and don’t for both of you.  Check out blogs and websites about "fighting fair", "family fights" and "fighting families", like this one.  And do consider consulting with a therapist if the pattern is stuck and your wheels are spinning.

Search: #Family-Fights, #Family-Fighting, #fighting-families, #Divorce, #Family-Mediation