Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Do you fear conflict? You might ask yourself, Why do I avoid conflict? Why do men avoid confrontation? Why do women avoid confrontation?

Be a Self-Leader in Conflict Resolution
Mediate2go: Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Conflict Avoidance Introduction

Conflict avoidance is common in many cultures. Some would argue that some cultures are particularly conflict avoidant – where people would prefer not to address conflict directly. At the same time, other cultures might be known for their direct approaches to confrontation – the opposite of conflict avoidance. Of course, such generalizations might not be very productive given that we are speaking about relationships and individuals – both of which can change and develop from moment-to-moment and over long periods of time.

This blog is to tell you about conflict avoidance, and what you should consider if you choose to use this conflict management style. We have written this blog for anyone, and have included a section at the end for mediators and conflict coaches.

You might ask how to avoid conflicts in a relationship.

The truth is, conflict avoidance is just one style of conflict management, and it may be both useful and detrimental, depending on the circumstances and the needs of those in a given situation. Even if you believe that you normally address conflict effectively, part of doing so may include avoiding conflict from time-to-time. The key is to be aware of what you truly need within the situation, and then be conscious in making the decision to avoid, or not to avoid (to confront) conflict. This is a very important aspect of being a self-leader in conflict and resolving conflict effectively.

Definition of conflict avoidance.

What does avoidance mean?

Conflict avoidance means that individuals do not engage in confrontation. Avoiding confrontation at work or in any relationship means that one does not engage in any type of conflictual interaction or confrontation with others. Conflict avoidance in relationships takes place when an individual or individuals experience some type of difference or a perception of difference, and they do not directly engage others in relation to this issue.

How does one typically approach-avoidance conflict?  How to avoid confrontation?

Generally speaking, some ways of avoiding confrontation include “methods [such as] changing the subject, putting off a discussion until later, or simply not bringing up the subject of contention”.[1] One common sign of avoidance is venting, when someone complains about a situation, but if asked, they have not directly addressed the issue, or gossip, such as when someone talks to others about someone’s behaviour without addressing their concerns head-on.

As you will read in the this conflict resolution blog, if you want to avoid confrontation, you need to be sure that it is the right strategy for you, based on your needs and the context.

Why does avoidance in relationships matter?

Conflict avoidance is often a cause of conflict. This means that if you avoid conflict in relationships, you also prevent yourself from coming to a resolution of the dispute. Think about it, if you experience either a perceived or actual difference in beliefs, opinions, values, or simply put – needs – from someone else, a discussion about the issues would be the most efficient way resolve the conflict, and deciding how to move on. 

Why do I avoid conflict?

There are a variety of reasons that someone might avoid conflict. A lot of these things should be discussed with a therapist, given that they might relate to emotions and childhood experiences. If you are curious to understand why you avoid conflict, think about the worst thing that could happen if you actually faced the conflict. Is your deep down fear about being rejected? Are you worried that a relationship will end, and you will be alone? If one of these deep down fears is driving your avoidance of conflict, you might want to talk to a therapist to get the support you need.

When is conflict avoidance good?

Safety concerns? – better to avoid conflict

If you are worried about your personal safety, conflict avoidance might be the best strategy and conflict style. For example, if you are on the street and someone approaches you, if you do not feel comfortable, the best strategy might be to walk away. You might not want to engage in any type of conversation or debate with this individual, even if they have said something that you completely disagree with. Using insults might be used to trigger your frustration, so that you will engage with them in conversation or debate. If your safety is not at risk, then you might choose to engage in conversation. Note that we are not talking about destructive relationships here.

Temporary delay – better to avoid conflict

Avoidance can also give individuals time to calm down so that they can avoid getting caught up in a destructive conflict escalation cycle. For example, if you and your partner are having a bad fight, it might be better to temporarily suspend the discussion and avoid discussing it further until both of you have had time to calm down. This is not to say that you should simply walk away and ignore what they have said. Rather, you should ask to delay the conversation until both of you are more able to hear one another. To know how to fix a relationship, check this out here.

No gain? – better to avoid conflict

If you do not foresee any type of benefit resulting from having a discussion,  avoidance might be the best conflict management style. For example, if you’re having a major conflict with your manager or employee, yet you will only work with the organization for one or two more days, it might not be worthwhile to have any type of confrontation with the other person that risks igniting confrontation. Although there are many benefits to resolving conflict, even if you decide to leave an organization, such as the protection one’s reputation or that of the organization, you might prefer to avoid conflict in the meantime. If you do you want to address issues, you might ask for the help of a conflict coach or mediator.

When is conflict avoidance bad?

As this blog explains, conflict avoidance is not always bad per se. Rather, conflict avoidance might facilitate or worsen the conflict escalation cycle - which is generally speaking bad for everyone involved. If your first instinct is to avoid conflict, look at the above cases of when conflict avoidance is a good thing. If your situation does not fit into those examples [you have safety concerns, it would be better to wait to address the issue at another time, or you foresee no gain in addressing the issue], you might be relying on conflict avoidance as a strategy, even though it does not address your concerns. Only use conflict avoidance if you believe the benefits outweigh the losses. Also think about how alternative dispute resolution could help.

Examples of Conflict Avoidance at Work:

Manager’s conflict avoidance

If you are a manager, and your employees are in conflict, choosing to avoid the conflict is a common form of conflict avoidance which can have unexpected negative outcomes. As a mediator, we often see managers who observe conflict between their employees, and choose to let their employees duel it out. A manager might even tell them to ‘grow up’ and ‘figure it out on your own’. This is an ineffective approach based on the escalatory nature of conflict. One of the dynamics of conflict is that it becomes more destructive overtime - partly because individuals no longer see things as clearly as they would under normal circumstances. Thus, a manager telling his or her employees to simply fix the issue, completely ignores the inherent dynamics of conflict escalation. Instead, managers should work with both parties to help each of them address and resolve the conflict. Or better, the manager should bring in a neutral third-party (mediator) to help the parties have a discussion and/or a conflict coach to work with the manager, or the individuals directly dealing with conflict to gain knowledge and skills in conflict management. Managers should also be proactive in their approach to conflict resolution in their organization. They should make conflict resolution a strategic priority to garner the benefits of ADR.

Employee’s conflict avoidance

If you are an employee, a negative type of conflict avoidance in the workplace might be any type of conflict with a colleague or manager that cannot seem to be resolved, yet one or both parties cannot move on and let things go. For example, if one of your colleagues makes statements that are offensive and repetitive, yet you say nothing, your feelings of frustration and anger might build up and conflict is likely to escalate. Instead of making your expectations clear for the other individual and addressing issues head-on, you may assume that the other person had the worst of intentions, and simply avoid addressing your concerns. This common example of employee conflict can also lead to conflict escalation, and may have damaging effects on people, the team and the organization, similar to gossip.

Examples of conflict avoidance at home

Conflict avoidance with parents or partners

A common example of conflict avoidance at home includes when a spouse decides not to address something that is bothering them with their significant other. Maybe they have already brought forward this concern and nothing has changed, so they would prefer not to ‘nag’ their partner about it – giving up on achieving this need or desire. Maybe they would prefer not to bring up the conflict temporarily, and wait for a more appropriate time – such as when guests have left or their partner is more willing to listen and hear the message rather than simply react emotionally. If you want to know when it is worthwhile to avoid or not avoid a conflict, read this blog – what to talk about.

Conflict avoidance at home with children

Conflict avoidance at home may also include conflict with children. Children may notice that it is not a good time to bring up concerns with a parent when they are having had a bad day - leading them to avoid the conflict temporarily. Parents may decide that it is not worthwhile to confront a child on a particular issue, and would rather focus on other concerns. These are some forms of conflict avoidance at home.

Conflict resolution strategies - Conflict avoidance

Responding to conflict avoidance

If you would like to address a conflict in your life, yet the other person seems to be avoiding you, you might try a few different techniques:

1. Tell the person that you would like to have a discussion with them to resolve your issues. Reassure them that you are open to hearing what they have to say.
2. Tell them what you imagine they went through as a result of the situation. This demonstration of empathy might help them see that you are making an effort to connect with them and that you are trying to meet them halfway.
3.  Emphasize the benefits of resolving your conflict collaboratively. Say your relationship has become very destructive, even if you are no longer able to be friends, maybe you could still find someway to peacefully coexist.
4. Remember that you cannot change anyone. Once you have tried to address the conflict, you will need to learn how to move on and let it go. This can be the hardest part of responding to conflict avoidance. Be sure to learn about personal boundaries and resolving conflict with boundaries if you are uncomfortable.

Conflict avoidance for professionals (Mediators, Conflict Coaches, Facilitators, Lawyers)

Responding to conflict avoidance as a mediator or conflict coach

The section is to help you as a conflict management professional address conflict avoidance with your clients directly or indirectly if they are dealing with a conflict avoider. For example, you might have a client who is avoiding conflict with their spouse, or a client who wants to address conflict with and avoiding spouse. You might even see conflict avoidance demonstrated within a mediation process. Observing conflict avoidance can present a difficulty yet opportunity for a practitioner to intervene.

With an avoiding client

As a mediator or conflict coach, if your client is avoiding conflict to their own detriment, you have a few options. First, you need to keep in mind the principles in conflict coaching and mediation.  In this case, you want to ensure that you are perceived as, and are impartial in how you provide services. Ask about the impact of avoidance on them and other people in the situation. It is likely that there are many negative impacts that result from in overuse of the avoidance conflict management style. Through leading the client to see these consequences through skillful questions, the client is less likely to get defensive and might leave your office with some valuable feedback on how to resolve conflict. Acting with impartiality relates to ensuring that the process is voluntary and that parties must have self-determination. As a mediator, it’s easy to get in the habit of trying to help solve client’s issues for them. This goes against the principles of impartiality, in addition to voluntariness and self-determination. Parties should not be provided with advice, as this might just be a quick fix. Mediators and conflict coaches must be patient with clients who avoid conflict, and give them the time they need to reach their own determinations of their issues and their self-resolution. They must become self-leaders in conflict resolution.

Lawyers helping clients with conflict avoidance

Generally speaking, if clients have contacted lawyers, they are addressing issues and confronting conflict. In fact, their conflict management style might have become competitive. Lawyers are there to represent their clients. Within the mediation context, lawyers can provide advice to clients on the impacts of conflict avoidance, and the benefits of addressing issues.

An activity to help a client through conflict avoidance

One of the easiest ways to help avoiding clients is to offer the TKI assessment so that they may determine their own conflict management style. Once that is done, the client might be more aware of their conflict management style. If you do not do this assessment, discuss the various conflict management styles in relation to a specific situation they have faced. Even a discussion might lead to the development of many insights.

With an assertive and non-avoiding client

If your client is more comfortable with conflict, yet they are dealing with someone who is avoiding conflict, as a professional, you will be providing indirect advice to help them address this issue.  Feel free to share this conflict resolution blog with the client so that they better understand some of their options. At the same time, you might need to work with the client to establish boundaries and how to move on from the situation, especially if the person they are dealing with refuses to have a discussion.

With avoiding client(s) in the mediation room:

If one or both of your clients are avoiding conflict within the context of the mediation process, there are a few steps that you can take to address this issue.

1. First, consider integrating something about the benefits of conflicts within your opening statement and throughout the mediation process.
2. Second, remind clients that conflict can be very healthy, cathartic and can lead to many positive outcomes. In fact, conflict can actually be good for business.
3. Third, if the client makes a strong yet respectful statement, ask the other party to paraphrase what they heard. Next, ask for a response from the other party on how they felt in this situation. In other words, do not encourage conflict avoidance in the mediation room. Instead, provide an example of how to face conflict collaboratively. With time, you can set the mood in mediation to help the parties address their issues without avoiding them.  The mediator in this case acts as a model through their practice, showing parties that it is okay to have conflict.

Thanks for reading our blog on conflict avoidance. Be sure to contact a conflict resolution professional in your local area for help dealing with conflict avoidance.

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[1] Wikipedia on Conflict Avoidance.

Songs about Conflict Management Styles

Songs about Conflict Management Styles

Songs about Conflict Management Styles - Introduction

The conflict management styles are divided into 5 groups that represent different ways of addressing or failing to address conflict. To determine your conflict management style, you need to complete the TKI instrument. To fully understand the conflict management style, see our blog here.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Avoidance

Maroon 5 - Daylight signifies the avoidance conflict management style. Even though someone might understand that conflict issues have not been resolved, they choose to ignore it, or deny the importance of resolving it. This song is all about avoiding conflict for one more night. Read more about avoidance.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Accommodating

Tyler Farr - Suffer In Peace signifies the accomodating conflict management style. Although accommodation might temporarily create a sense of harmony, it is only a short term solution, and might lead to a sense of injustice or suffering, given that someone who accommodates is ignoring their needs. Read more about accomodating.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Competing

Queen's - We Are The Champions signifies the competing conflict management style. Although competition can push us towards excellence, it can also lead to destructive conflict escalation when it comes to interpersonal issues. Read more about competing.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Compromising

Rachel Platten - Fight Song signifies the compromising conflict management style. Although compromise help parties partially resolve their conflict, each person has given up something in order for the parties to reach that point. This means compromise doesn't lead to an ideal outcome. Read more about compromising.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Collaboration

Cold Play - Let's Talk signifies the collaboration conflict management style. Collaboration is the ideal style in many circumstances, given that both parties can satisfy both of their needs simultaneously. Read more about collaborating.

Conflict Management Styles

Conflict Management Styles

Conflict Management Definition

Conflict management is the process of limiting the negative aspects of conflict while increasing the positive aspects of conflict (Wikipedia). Often, conflict is viewed as negative interactions that are destructive to relationships (read about Why do we stay in destructive relationships?). However, if conflict is managed effectively, it can have a positive impact on people, relationships and conflict can even be good for business.

Conflict Management Styles Blog - Introduction

I'm dealing with a conflict. What should I do?

This is the essential question of any person who is seeking to resolve a conflict in their life.

Most conflicts have numerous possible outcomes.  For most of us, however, it may seem like there is only one choice, or maybe a handful of choices.  Sometimes none of them are very appealing.  For the purposes of this post, I assume mainly that we are talking about interpersonal conflicts, perhaps with friends, co-workers (see also Workplace Conflict), or family members (see also Family Fights), and particularly ones that are non-violent or personally threatening in nature. Please always remember to contact the appropriate authorities if you are in any personal danger. See also, what to do if you are in a destructive relationship.

This blog post is based around the Thomas-Kilmann theory of conflict resolution.  You can read more about it here. Also, check out our blog on Songs about Conflict Management Styles and Songs about Conflict.

Conflict Management Styles - The TKI Model

The conflict management styles are divided into 5 groups that represent different ways of addressing or failing to address conflict. To determine your conflict management style, you need to complete the TKI instrument.

The context can help determine the right strategy to approach, manage and resolve the conflict. However, across situations, you may consider the style of conflict management, such as the styles outlined by the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument. These styles are “Competing (assertive, uncooperative), Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative), Accommodating (unassertive, cooperative), Collaborating (assertive, cooperative), and Compromising (intermediate assertiveness and cooperativeness)” (Wikipedia).

Even if you do not complete the assessment, the styles provide a great deal of insights into the ways people manage conflict. If you do complete the instrument, it is designed to improve your self-awareness in conflict situations.

Over time, people may see their conflict management style change over time or even situation. You might be highly effective at managing conflict with your partner, but have difficulty managing conflict in the workplace. The different styles are not necessarily good or bad, unless you need to balance your styles more appropriately. If you consider yourself a ‘yes man’, then you might be sacrificing your needs over others.

If you don’t change your conflict management style, then your style might lead you feel resentful, or it might even negatively impact your self esteem. Each style has advantages and disadvantages based on the circumstances and the levels of conflict. Some advantages might appear to be negative, but they might be necessary. For example, the competing style might appear to be negative, but might be necessary in cases when you cannot accommodate others in any way, like in matters of personal safety.

If you have a conflict, read about the definition of trust, how to build trust, how to fix a relationship, and the top 10 steps to resolve your conflict.

Conflict Management Style - Avoidance

A first step in any conflict can just be to confront the binary of action versus inaction.  Avoidance is one method of conflict management.  There may be times when avoidance is the most appropriate solution.  This may apply in “pick your battles”- type situations, such as where another person is posturing or being antagonistic for reasons or results that ultimately will not affect you. If we assume, however, that the other parties have a meaningful relationship with you, avoiding a problem between you is not typically a great idea.  Sometimes it leads to the problem festering, or blaming each other, especially if no one takes responsibility (see also Self-Leadership in Conflict Resolution). The results can be harmful and damaging (see also Conflict Escalation).

Considering that avoidance typically requires the least physical or mental effort, it is easy to allow avoidance to set in unconsciously.  If there is a particular issue that needs to be addressed, ask yourself how long it has gone unaddressed.  Is there anything in particular you are waiting on? Is it possible to take control of the situation, or do you require additional input? Do you need the help of a conflict coach to try to better understand the situation? Is it a matter of not wanting to move forward (see also How to Move On), or a matter of truly not being able to? If the latter, could it ever get to the point of being addressable or resolvable?

Finally, even if the proper solution to a conflict is avoidance, it may be helpful to reconcile with yourself why this is the case.  Perhaps you need to tell yourself once-and-for-all that it isn’t worth worrying about, and thus the problem can be left in the past. In other words, you need to set some interpersonal and personal boundaries to resolve conflict. Perhaps this may mean signaling this to others: “I’m sorry, but really don’t feel this is my responsibility.”; “I am not willing to move ahead with this.”  Acknowledging to yourself that this is an appropriate solution may also help you move past the conflict.

Conflict Management Style - Accommodating

When you accommodate someone else, you give in and allow the other party to have their way. By definition, it involves some sort of forfeiture of your position (see also Negotiation Defined). This is not necessarily a bad thing, and, like avoiding, accommodation can be of practical use. Think carefully about whether this matter is a battle worth fighting.  One upside may be that you can maintain a relationship with someone who cares far more about the conflict than you do, or who may perceive the matter to be more important than you do.

Downsides can include feelings of resentment or dislike towards the other party.  Also, if accommodation is your go-to tactic, you run the risk of being taken advantage of over a longer period or for a series of conflicts with the same person.  If the stakes in the conflict are very high from your perspective, accommodating and admitting defeat is likely not a good idea.

Conflict Management Style - Competing

A competitive stance is the opposite of accommodation, where you refuse to give in. This is a good style to use when the issue is very important to you and when the outcome is significant.  A good example might be enforcing your legal rights if someone has harmed you or rather obviously broken an agreement (See Contract Negotiation Tips).

Being overly competitive has its risks as well. It could earn you or your organization a reputation for being uncooperative or petty.  Insisting on a competitive stance can also lead to Pyrrhic victories, where the cost of “winning” is so great that no real benefit is obtained for anyone.

Conflict Management Style - Compromising

A compromise necessarily entails the parties’ failing to fulfill what they each truly want, and instead forego some aspects of their intended result to appease the other.  This can be viewed as a partial loss from the perspective of both sides.  It can be appropriate when more time or information is needed to reach a final resolution, when there is no reasonable prospect of collaboration, or when the two parties cannot agree and yet must work together.

The problem with compromising is that it can become a crutch, an easy-way to (perhaps begrudgingly) move forward without considering better options. Parties that find themselves continuously compromising should beware of developing this habit. It can also lead to the parties repeatedly misleading others (or even themselves) about their true expectations or needs, because they count on being let down.

Conflict Management Style - Collaboration

Collaboration is in many cases a desirable outcome.  It results in “win-win” scenarios and can help all parties move forward content. It can also potentially lead to creative solutions that neither side had considered before.  Sometimes, the whole is worth more than the sum of its parts.

Dangers with collaboration include the fact that the parties typically must trust each other enough to reach out and share the burden of the conflict (see How to Build Trust).  This may not even be possible if, for example, there is a duty of confidentiality owed to someone involved.  There also may not be enough time or resources available for this method to be practical.

Conflict Management Style - Conclusion

These are the five general styles of the Thomas-Killmann model.  Note that any of these styles can shift into the other modes depending on circumstances. 

Dan Lawlor - Mediate2go Editor and Blogger

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate to Go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is an Associate Lawyer with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

Bullying in the Workplace – Bad Bosses and Hostile Work Environments

Bullying in the Workplace – Bad Bosses and Hostile Work Environments

Bullying in the Workplace – Bad Bosses and Hostile Work Environments

Maybe you experienced bullying as a child in school. Bullying in schools was, and is still common place in some institutions. If so, those are memories you would likely prefer to leave behind. This might not be possible if you face a hostile work environment due to bullying at work. Are you being bullied at work? Many people are dealing with bullying at work on a daily basis, and don’t know where to turn for help. Don’t be ashamed, as it is not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else’s behaviour. Maybe you have even asked yourself whether you should stay or whether you should go. Is it time to move on and work with another organization? Don’t leave the organization yet, necessarily.

What is workplace bullying? What is workplace harassment? 

How does one define bullying in the workplace?

Bullying is an aggressive act, meant to destabilize and reduce the power of another, leaving the victim feeling isolated, rejected and hurt. Unfortunately for some people, they might experience bullying later on in adult life in the context of working relationships. Workplace bullying “usually involves repeated incidents or a pattern of behaviour that is intended to intimidate, offend, degrade or humiliate a particular person or group of people.[1]”

Although the title of the article is, “I have a bad boss”, workplace harassment takes place between all types of relationships in the workplace, between customers and employees, employees against other employees, and even employees against managers at times.

What is workplace harassment? What constitutes bullying at work?

Workplace harassment is basically the same as workplace bullying, except harassment is the legal term for offensive and/or hurtful behaviour that is unwanted and often repetitive in nature. This term might be important depending on where you live, and where you work, as the definition might be used to determine whether the behaviour itself if considered harassment. If it is, then you might be able to take recourse during those legislative schemes or administrative bodies. If not, you might need to try other approaches to dealing with the harassment.

Is bullying at work illegal?

In some jurisdictions, workplace harassment is indeed illegal, and is explicitly covered in workplace-related legislation. Ask your government ministry of employment and/or workplace compensation board to learn more about the legalities around appropriate workplace behaviour and workplace harassment. You might also have civil recourses through the courts, and/or recourse if the behaviour is viewed as a form of criminal harassment. In that sense, might consider reaching out to your local police station, say the harassment is serious. Read about the difference between reporting harassment in the workplace and to the police. 

Definition of Workplace Bullying in the UK

According to the UK Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service (ACAS):
Bullying is "offensive, intimidating, malicious or insulting behaviour, an abuse or misuse of power through means that undermine, humiliate, denigrate or injure the recipient."

Definition of Workplace Bullying in Australia

According to Safe Work Australia, a statutory agency, workplace bullying is defined as
"repeated and unreasonable behaviour directed toward a worker or group of workers that creates a risk to health and safety".

The Government of Western Australia Chamber of Commerce said:
"Bullying in the workplace may be described as repeated inappropriate behaviour that can occur at work and/or in the course of employment. It may be direct or indirect, verbal or physical, or some form of negative interaction between one or more persons against another or others. Bullying behaviour can be regarded as undermining an individual's right to dignity at work."

The Australian Human Rights Commission said one definition is:
“the repeated less favourable treatment of a person by another or others in the workplace, which may be considered unreasonable and inappropriate workplace practice. It includes behaviour that intimidates, offends, degrades or humiliates a worker”.

Definition of Workplace Bullying in New Zealand

"Bullying may be seen as something that someone repeatedly does or says to gain power and dominance over another, including any action or implied action, such as threats, intended to cause fear and distress.” Evans v Gen-i Limited unreported, D King, 29 August 2005, AA 333/05. 

Definition of Workplace Bullying in the United States

The Washington State Department of Labor & Industries:

"Workplace bullying refers to repeated, unreasonable actions of individuals (or a group) directed towards an employee (or a group of employees), which are intended to intimidate, degrade, humiliate, or undermine; or which create a risk to the health or safety of the employee(s)."

Definition of Workplace Harassment in Canada

Treasury Board Secretariat - Federal Public Service workers

Under the Policy on Harassment Prevention and Resolution, harassment is defined as: "improper conduct by an individual, that is directed at and offensive to another individual in the workplace, including at any event or any location related to work, and that the individual knew or ought reasonably to have known would cause offence or harm. 

It comprises objectionable act(s), comment(s) or display(s) that demean, belittle, or cause personal humiliation or embarrassment, and any act of intimidation or threat. It also includes harassment within the meaning of the Canadian Human Rights Act (i.e. based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, age, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, family status, disability and pardoned conviction)."

Quebec Commission des Normes du Travail - Quebec workers

"Psychological harassment at work is vexatious behaviour in the form of repeated conduct, verbal comments, actions or gestures: that are hostile or unwanted, that affect the employee’s dignity or psychological or physical integrity, that make the work environment harmful."

Ontario

The Occupational Health and Safety Act defines workplace harassment as "engaging in a course of vexatious comment or conduct against a worker in a workplace that is known or ought reasonably to be known to be unwelcome."

This definition of workplace harassment is broad enough to include harassment prohibited under the Ontario Human Rights Code, as well as "psychological harassment" or "personal harassment."

Some of the types of harassment that workers could experience in the workplace include sexual harassment, teasing, intimidating or offensive jokes or innuendos, display or circulation of offensive pictures or materials, unwelcome, offensive, or intimidating phone calls, or bullying. Leering, unwelcome gifts or attention, offensive gestures, or spreading rumours could also be considered harassment.

Types of workplace harassment? Examples of workplace harassment. 

What does workplace bullying and harassment look like?

Bullying can take many forms, from subtle moves to isolate someone to overt acts of aggression. Some examples include spreading hurtful rumours and gossip about others that isn’t true, intimidating someone, undermining someone’s work on purpose, threatening or abusing someone, removing someone’s responsibilities without reason, changing work guidelines constantly, making offensive jokes that are obvious, yelling, belittling someone, tampering with someone’s personal items or equipment, intruding on someone’s privacy, or making someone feel excluded or unwanted.[2] Even email bullying at work might take place, which might include any threatening behaviour over email. All of these behaviours demean someone, and over time, might erode their self-esteem and trust in themselves and trust in others. It also creates an unhealthy work environment, whereby the victim and other team members might start to fear confrontation or simply coming into work at all.

How does bullying start?

Bullying might start for varying reasons. Maybe someone has anger management problems and fails to address their anger effectively, taking it out on others. Maybe someone was bullied at another time in their life, and they are re-living the pattern – maybe they do not realize the true impact of their behaviour. Maybe the person has a personality type that makes it more difficult to empathize with others. But remember, it doesn’t matter that much why it started, it just matters that you are addressing it, so that it stops. These reasons do not excuse someone’s destructive behaviour. You still need to set boundaries.

Impact and consequences of workplace bullying

Workplace bullying hurts people, the team and the organization. The human impacts include frustration, helplessness, decreased confidence, anxiety, family tension, low morale and more.[3]

Workplace bullying also hurts your organization or company. Impacts include, increased turnover, costs to workplace health programs, increased risk to workplace incidents, decreased productivity, compromised corporate brand and decreased customer service quality.[4]

How to deal with a bully at work?

If you believe you are a victim of harassment or workplace bullying, also known as office bullying, take some of these steps, and also read out blog about Bullying and Harassment with some tips;

1. Make it clear to the person that their behaviour is unwanted. Have a witness, such as a labour/union representative or human resources officer with you.
2. Document everything, including the date, time and behaviour, the impact on you, the witnesses present and the outcome. If there is written proof, keep this as well.
3. Report each incident to the appropriate person. Seek out the services of an ombudsman, special contact in the organization or human resources.[5] They will be able to provide advice on how to report workplace bullying.
4. Don’t convince yourself that this behaviour is acceptable or somehow warranted by something that you have done. Victims may feel vulnerable and as if they have no option but to remain silent.
5. Take these steps before you decide to quit your job. Although there may be a power imbalance between the victim and the bully, one person or even a group of persons is not necessarily representative of the whole organization.

Read our blog about what an employer can do to address harassment effectively. If you are a witness to workplace harassment, be sure to reach out for support, and follow the above recommendations as well (including documentation and reporting). Thank you for being a self-leader, and helping to contribute to positive change in your organization. Instead of allowing the conflict to escalate negatively, you are resolving the conflict.

Top 7 Tips for Mediators Addressing Workplace Harassment

If you are a mediator, how do you deal with workplace harassment? 

1. Are the clients fully capable and interested in mediating the case? If one of the clients might be emotionally and psychologically struggling, it might be inappropriate to invite them to participate in mediation unless they have approval from their doctor or attending professional;
2. Consider starting your time with the clients as a consultant to discuss their options, and then with conflict coaching so they are empowered to express their concerns when the time for mediation is appropriate. This is likely the best time to have the parties learn about the harassment policy and process, so that their expectations are managed. The truth is, the other person might not be separated (fired), so they might be asked to resolve the conflict with the help of a mediator. Of course, mediation is voluntary, but parties might aim for a collaborative solution, especially if one of the parties says sorry and genuinely will make an effort to improve their behaviour;
3. Before the mediation, ensure that the parties are aware of their rights and obligations. Give them this website to learn more about harassment and boundaries in the workplace. Also, ask the parties if they would like a support person or lawyer present in the sessions, and offer the same to the other party as well;
4. They might not be interested in working face-to-face with the other party, so if they are healthy and very interested in pursuing mediation, offer some alternative approaches, such as shuttle mediation (where the parties are in separate rooms and the mediator goes between each to manage the discussions and negotiation), or invite the parties to sit in the same room, but have them facing other directions;
5. Many parts of the mediation might be similar, whereby the mediator is there to guide discussions in a safe environment with appropriate communication norms, ensuring that both parties are heard and that they are able to find a solution that works for both of them;
6. A big part of the mediation might be future-focused, helping the parties establish new norms for working together. Work with them to come up with some broad norms for their relationship, and then talk through some examples and how they would be applied.
7. Discuss ways in which parties might ask for help or talk to the other person, if there is a ‘relapse’ in behaviour.

Keywords:
 

Types of bullying, bullying and mental health, the bully at work, workplacebullying, types of workplace harassment, intimidation at work, retaliation in the workplace, against bullying, verbal abuse in the workplace.

About the Author - Bullying in the Workplace – Bad Bosses and Hostile Work Environments

Rhema - Legal Dispute Blogger in collaboration with Mediate2go

Rhema Kang is a litigation lawyer. She graduated with an Honours Bachelor of Arts from the University of Toronto in International Relations, and Juris Doctor from the University of Ottawa. She first became excited about mediation while working for the Honourable George W. Adams, a prominent Canadian mediator who handles legal disputes worth up to several hundred million dollars. Rhema was the researcher behind the book, Mediating Justice: Legal Dispute Negotiations, and won second prize in the FMC Negotiation Competition. Rhema enjoys dark chocolate with sea salt and finds it awkward to write about herself in the third person.

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[1] Canadian Centre for Occupational Health and Safety

[2] Canadian Centre for Occupational Health and Safety

[3] Canadian Centre for Occupational Health and Safety

[4] Canadian Centre for Occupational Health and Safety

[5] Canadian Centre for Occupational Health and Safety

Setting Boundaries to Resolve Conflict

Setting Boundaries to Resolve Conflict

Don't know where the future's headed

But nothing's gonna bring me down

Adam Lambert – No Boundaries

Introduction -  Setting boundaries to Resolve Conflict

Feeling Uncomfortable? Set a Boundary

Not too long ago, we wrote a blog about boundaries called Feeling Uncomfortable? Set a Boundary! This laid the foundation for better understanding how we manage the space between others and ourselves. We also introduced theory to explain tensions between being close and distant with others – tensions that are constantly in balance in all of our relationships. 

But what next? How to fix a relationship in relation to a boundary? How does one take this information and apply it within daily life?  How does one deal with or manage a conflict where a boundary is involved? Does every conflict involve some sort of boundary issue?

To start, we recommend being a self leader and taking responsibility in conflict situations. We wrote a blog about self leadership and conflict resolution, which discusses a model to help you feel powerful in relationships.

Common types of boundary violations

Someone around me is angry

It’s hard to not get caught up in someone else’s anger. Anger can come across as very aggressive, and can distract us from what we are doing or thinking. If the anger is from someone in public, and it is not directed towards you, escape from the situation. Remind yourself  there is nothing you can do, and get out of there. Now, if the anger is based on something that you might be  responsible for, you need to take a different approach. Look at our blog on dealing with anger and how to manage anger to learn more about this.

Someone around me is stressed

This is also a difficult emotion to deal with. Not only is it an emotion, it becomes a physiological response, which makes it even more challenging to manage. Someone else’s stress might easily become yours' within minutes or seconds if you do not stay focused  and reinforce your interpersonal boundaries with the person. If you want to improve your boundaries around someone who is stressed, feel free to tell the person that you are starting to feel stressed as a result of their stress. You can say something like,”I feel anxious that you were talking about that. I think everything will be fine.” Or, if you want to help that person deal with their stress, feel free to do so, but make sure that the person gets the help that they need. Also, it is important for you to have your own stress reduction strategy, whatever that looks like to you. Do you go to the gym regularly? Do you do yoga? How do you feel relaxed and what can you do you want a regular basis to reduce your level of stress overall?

Someone around me is offensive

If someone around you said something that you feel uncomfortable about, you can manage your response in several different ways based on your goals and the impact you’re looking to have in the situation. Is there way for you to can state your needs through having a constructive confrontation? This is often the best way of getting your message across, while making sure that you are not offending someone and escalating the conflict unnecessarily. Otherwise, it might even be appropriate to react based on your first instinct or feeling. If you do not think that you will be put in a dangerous situation as a result of your response, and your reputation will not be hurt, feel free to go with it.

Someone around me is jealous

Jealousy is pretty complicated and may require that someone in the situation must work on their confidence. Although you might want to set an obvious boundary with the other person, is important to try to be empathetic to their situation. This is not to say that you should do something that you are not comfortable with or take it lightly if someone wants to take revenge. However, your empathy can go a long way to help resolve a potential conflict. Remember, you are not responsible for their feelings. However, one of the best ways of getting out of the situation is by doing precisely that, get out of it.

Someone around me is in a conflict

Have you ever been around someone that is in conflict with someone else, and you inadvertently started to take on their view or feel the same way toward the other person? This is often part of a conflict escalation cycle, when people start to form groups as result of a conflict that becomes increasingly confusing and messy. It is hard to stay neutral in a conflict. One of the best ways to manage this boundary is by using conflict resolution skills. Even better, take leadership in the situation and help the person see things in a new way. Ask yourself if it is worth getting involved and hurting your own relationship with that other person for something that may or may not have happened. It takes two to tango, so if there is a conflict, both parties have probably contributed in some way. At the same time, gossip can be a good thing in particular situations. Think about these ideas and make the right decision for you.