Common Ways of Holding Title in California

The following will be a series on Common Ways of Holding Title to Real Estate in California eithier in Sole Ownership or Co-Ownership.

Watch for our daily updates.

Senior has threats of Foreclosure

The refiance of a home should be straighforward. The woman, a widow, in her late 80's has made every attempt to please her lender in the maze of a refiance. Each communication from her lender has rejected her application leading to confusion and stress.

She has reached out for assistance and having a lenghty background in real estate, short sales and communications to banks, I plan on assisting this woman with a goal of satisfaction in her quest for economic relief.

The senior years should be about peace, enjoyment vs the threat of foreclosure

Online Mediation Services

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Jim W Hildreth Mediator

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication

Introduction to Resolving Conflict in Families

Conflict resolution has a basis in many disciplines, including psychology, mediation, communication, human relations and even law. In this blog, we will look at conflict resolution in the family from a communications perspective. Communication may both trigger conflict in the family and be a means of resolving fights that go bad. Be sure to check out our other blog on conflict resolution in the family, entitled Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict.

In J. Rothwell’s text on Communicating in Small Groups and Teams, he looks at how to shape groups within the work context. We will look at the family as a group, and how you can help influence your family to become more supportive, which will help reduce the likelihood of family members being triggered into conflict, and help increase the chances of resolving conflict with and within your family. No one wants to be in a home with escalating conflict, so read more to learn some theory and techniques to help you resolve conflict in your family.

Conflict Communication in Families

The above text referred to Jack Gibb, who found patterns of communication that can end up leading to conflict. Specifically, he identified patterns of communication that instigate or decrease defensiveness. Defensiveness has been defined as “a reaction to a perceived attack on our self-concept and self-esteem”. See more information about defensiveness on our blog entitled Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships.  Defensiveness goes to the root of how we feel about ourselves (see our blog on How to Be Self Confident) and how we relate to others. The more defensiveness we feel (both in ourselves and from others), the more conflict we will experience.

The Goal is to have a Conflict Resolution Family

Instead of allowing defensiveness to take precedence in our family relationships, we need to foster supportive communication patterns, which invite cooperation. 

1. Do Describe Positively; Do Not Evaluate Negatively 

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. 

Helen Keller

Some cultures focus on blaming individual’s rather than taking group-responsibility – such is the case here in North America. This culture of blame might even be worse with what has been described as Online shaming: the return of mob morality.  On the contrary, some aboriginal cultures, for example, believe that transgressions by an individual must be addressed with the entire community taking some responsibility (see our blog on Restorative Justice Principles).

In the family setting, it’s easier to blame someone else when we make a mistake than it is to take responsibility. It might be easier to blame someone else as we might be reacting in anger or we may feel embarrassment for what we did and may simply not be ready to take responsibility. The danger with this is that it can create a more hostile and unsupportive environment that will in turn lead to more blame and negativity. This behaviour will only backfire when you later become the recipient of it. The research mentioned in the above text focuses more on workplace environments, but it could be applied equally to families – the more we negatively evaluate others, the more defensiveness that results.

Alternatively, describe family members positively, including with praise, recognition and flattery. If you need to address behaviour that did not work for you, or made you uncomfortable, follow these ideas:

• Use “I feel” messages, or at the least, messages from your perspective and not others
• Describe behaviours in a neutral and specific manner, avoiding generalizations
• Avoid disguised insults (ie. I feel like you are a bad husband or I feel like you hate me)

2. Do be a Problem Solver with others; Do not be Controlling

“He who agrees against his will, is of the same opinion still” 

Samuel Butler

When we tell people what to do, it is likely to lead to the 4 R’s: resistance, resentment, retaliation and revenge. The 4 R’s may have an undercurrent of what is called Psychological Reactance, being “the more someone tries to control us by telling us what to do, the more we are inclined to resist such efforts, or even do the opposite”.

To prevent a defensive family environment, we need to focus on cooperatively solving problems rather than controlling others. A great way of doing this is by following the steps in our blog entitled Constructive Confrontation.

3. Do have Empathy, Do not be Indifferent

Empathy begins with understanding life from another person's perspective. Nobody has an objective experience of reality. It's all through our own individual prisms. 

Sterling K. Brown

We are indifferent with family when we simply don’t care what they have to say. We might be looking at them when the speak, but we might not be reflecting or thinking about what they are actually saying. When we do not acknowledge someone else’s communication, we are said to have an impervious response (see Sieberg and Larson, 1971 cited in the above text).

Instead of being indifferent, we must show empathy to our family members, which means showing true care and concern for them. Rothwell’s text emphasizes the importance of trying to see the other people’s perspectives and to act accordingly. This is likely to create a more supportive environment, where conflict is less likely to occur, and more conflict resolution is possible.

4. Do treat others as Equals; Do not act Superior 

Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. 

Ellen DeGeneres

Hopefully, these types of attitudes are not happening in your family, or you may be in a destructive relationship. However, one way that it might be more possible to see this superiority problem, is in how parents may treat kids as being inexperienced or unknowledgeable due to their age. Acting superior to your children might lead to resentment, and may decrease communication with them. Even if there are many things you may still need to teach them, communicate with them showing trust in their competence. Who knows, they might even surprise you!

5. Do use Provisionalism; Do not use Absolutes

Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness. 

Khalil Gibran

Have you ever been with someone who tells you something that they believe to be true, but you have more information to invalidate their version of the truth? When we speak with complete certainty, we might instigate defensiveness in others. Another example is speaking with a relative who completely dismisses other’s perspectives, treating them as stupid. We know that someone is speaking in absolutes when they use the terms always, impossible, never or forever.

Alternatively, we might want to consider (see, we are using provisionalism in this statement) qualifying statements with possibly, perhaps, maybe, etc. Through provisionalism, we can side-step struggles to win in an argument. When we give freedom for other people to have a valid and valuable perspective, we can lessen the chances of defensiveness, and create a more supportive environment for communicating effectively, and resolving conflict.

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication 

Conclusion of Resolving Conflict in families 

The big lesson here: avoid doing stuff that will frustrate and anger people! Defensiveness will lead to more defensiveness, and will escalate conflict.

We hope that this blog provides you with some ideas to prevent conflict in your family so that it does not happen in the first place. Family fights can have a big impact on you and the other members of your family. If you already experience high conflict in your family, try to shift patterns from defensive to supportive. Be sure to see our other blogs to address conflict in your family.

 

Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication 

Stages of Conflict

Are you looking to learn more about the stages of conflict?

Introduction to Stages of Conflict

A great source to start to understand conflict, and specifically the stages of conflict, is the article by Louis R. Pondy, entitled Organizational Conflict: Concepts and Models (Administrative Science Quarterly, Vol. 12, No. 2 (Sep., 1967), pp. 296-320). Although the article is from the 1960s, the analysis is still applicable today, whether with respect to a conflict in the workplace, a separation or divorce or an international dispute. 

Be sure to see our blog on Levels of Conflict, which compliments the information here about stages of conflict.

Defining conflict

Conflict cannot be simply defined as some of the manifestations of conflict, like anger, stress or even behaviour such as hitting someone. Pondy suggests that conflict is best understood as a dynamic process made of a series of ‘conflict episodes’.

Pondy likens the definition of conflict to the definition of decision-making. In decision-making, the individual makes a commitment to a course of action gradually, often with multiple steps along the way. Conflict is no different, but takes place through “gradual escalation to a state of disorder”. He stated that the climax of decision-making is choice, and that the climax of conflict is open aggression. Fortunately, he notes that not every conflict leads to open aggression. This makes sense - think of all of the times that you have had disagreements with someone but they simple end with you saying “let’s agree to disagree”, or you noticed the conditions that could lead to a difficult conflict, and finally things “blow over” and lead to there being no conflict at all. For example, that time that someone took your place in line at the café, but then realized it, apologized, and went to the end of the line.

Stages of Conflict

1. Latent Conflict

There may be multiple forms of latent conflict that are present before a conflict episode. Latent conflict may include, for example,

• Competition for scarce resources (ie. there is only one job position being advertised but two of us are applying),
• Autonomy control (ie. my manager is micro-managing me and I need freedom, or for the Trekkie fans, “Resistence is futile”). Also see our blog on bad bosses and hostile environments.
• Goal divergence (ie. my colleague and I were put on a task group together, but we cannot reach a decision together)

2. Perceived Conflict

Conflict may exist with or without the perception of those involved. For example, there might be situations where people perceive conflict to exist, but after speaking, they realize that there was indeed no difference in opinions, and in fact, no conflict whatsoever. In this case, the stages of conflict do not proceed. This type of perception issue can be resolved through improved communication. See our blogs on Trust and Communication.

However, conflict may not be perceived or noticed when it actually exists. To become felt conflict, it must be perceived in some way. On the topic of hidden conflict, see our blogs on fearing conflict and conflict avoidance.

3. Felt Conflict

This stage of conflict is also known as the personalization of conflict, where conflict that is perceived, ends up having an impact on the person. The American recording artist Monica stated, “Don’t take it personal” - if someone were able to not take a situation personally, then it would mean that even if there were latent and perceived conflict, the conflict would not progress to the “Felt Conflict” stage. 

You may have felt this in your personal life, whereby you cognitively understand that there is a conflict between you and someone else, but you simply don’t care. In other words, long hair don't care; an expression which “emphasizes that the speaker isn't affected by what is meant as an insult but actually embraces the accusation”.

4. Manifest Conflict 

This stage is about conflict behaviours, which may be as overt as physical and verbal violence (see when fights goes bad), and as covert as sabotage, apathy or gossip. In order to understand if conflict has manifested, it is important to look at the context of the conflict. His article does however state that conflict is not manifested if one party is not aware that their behaviour frustrates the other person involved. This is where communicating with someone can make a difference in bringing that conflict to the surface, or by accessing the help of a mediator or conflict coach to assist you in addressing the conflict, when dealing with someone who is unaware of the impact of their behaviour, or if they are aware, but are unwilling to collaborate with you (see our blogs on Avoidance and Feeling uncomfortable? Set a Boundary). Although not mentioned in Pondy’s article, it might be useful to do a “perception check”, verifying whether or not your perception of the other person’s behaviour is based on an actual or mere perceived conflict.

5. Conflict Aftermath

If a conflict is resolved based on the interests and needs of all of those involved, then the parties may lay the foundation for a collaborative and healthy relationship (see our blog on when to choose therapy and when to divorce). However, if parties avoid issues, and the conflict is merely suppressed but not resolved, the latent conditions of conflict may be aggravated and explode in more serious form until they are rectified or until the relationship dissolves”. See our blogs on Conflict Escalation and Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships. This reminds us that addressing conflict in a constructive way can lay the groundwork for healthy and happy relationships in the future.

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love. 

Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Conclusion about the Stages of Conflict

The stages of conflict help us look at conflict differently. Conflict is not simply the behaviour that relates to our perceptions of conflict. Conflict involves the context, situation or as we call it here, the conditions that lead to conflict. Conflict then needs to be perceived, and depending on whether we feel impacted by it or not, it then must be felt. Finally, when we are aware that we are impacting the other person, but we continue to act in the same way, there is manifest conflict. The same applies for when someone else is the one perceiving, feeling or acting. The key take-away is that we have a great deal of choice in how we prevent conflict, both before, during and after the conflict, based on the groundwork we lay. There are many stages at which we may intervene in a situation, or change our own reactions in a situation (see our blog on how to be confident - building an emotional air conditioner), to impact whether a conflict goes bad (when fightsgo bad) or whether it is resolved effectively (see top 10 tips to resolve conflict).

Benefits of Family Mediation Services

Mediate to Go: Benefits of family mediation services

http://blog.mediate2go.com/2018/08/benefits-of-family-mediation-services.html

Benefits of family mediation services

It is well established that family mediation services provide a more flexible, affordable and satisfying process for couples ending their relationship than an adversarial court battle (see amicable divorce). There are also various benefits for children when using family mediation, such as helping them cope. If you have decided to end your relationship with divorce or separation, then mediation is a great process to consider. If you still haven't decided whether you want to choose divorce or to stay together, read the blog about choosing divorce or family therapy.

Flexibility - family mediation services

Shared problem solving in mediation

Mediation is a flexible process “not limited by legal categories or rules, it can help reframe a contentious dispute as a mutual problem.”[1] Mediation, in its most basic form, helps to facilitate communication between parties to change competitive bargaining into problem solving focused negotiation that helps meet the needs of both parties involved.[2] See our blogs on negotiation and mediation vs arbitration to learn more.

Flexible agenda of mediation

The process is also flexible in terms of how the discussions take place, whereby parties have input in the agenda and how the process moves forward. For couples facing separation or divorce, a mediation process can offer a much more flexible way of dealing with the difficulties of ending a relationship. Instead of being stuck with rigid deadlines, a mediator can help you come up with solutions based on your's and their schedule.

Flexible timing of mediation

Divorce is considered a time of crisis for the family unit, so anything that can adapt to the family's time constraints is a good thing. Instead of having to wait for months or possibly years to have a case resolved in court, family mediation can take a matter of hours or days. 

Flexible style of mediation

In addition, family mediators have different styles that may better meet the needs of your particular family. For example, a family mediator might be trained in working with particular cultural or religious group or may speak your mother tongue. Such a mediator could provide a process that is more comfortable and appropriate for the parties based on their broader needs and diversity.

Flexible outcomes in mediation

Family mediation is also flexible in the outcome of the process. Of course, family mediation works within the framework of a country's constitution, laws and regulations. This means that a family mediation agreement must respect the laws of the country in order to protect vulnerable parties, etc. (note: be sure to request independent legal advice from a lawyer in your area/country, even if you chose to use mediation). Family mediation is unique in that the parties have more leeway to design their own outcomes of separation and divorce, but a lawyer will be better placed to help ensure that the agreement meets legal requirements. Instead of relying on the courts to decide your custody arrangements, family mediation allows for a couple to collaboratively decide how they will share custody. 

Affordability - family mediation services

Affordable for parties and the justice system

Mediation is also more affordable for parties and the administration of justice. Parties attending family mediation were increasingly more likely to settle their dispute, compared to those litigating.[3] This is a common benefit to mediation as a process of ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution).

This means that parties participating in family mediation and achieving resolution were no longer burdening the court system with their case. Some governments offer subsidized family mediation to help dissuade parties from a more adversarial approach, emphasizing, for example, the interests of all family members and the reduction of legal costs.[4] Even if parties take advantage of subsidies that provide for a mediator, such as in Quebec, this process might take approximately 6 hours or less, with a court process taking months or possibly years.[5] 

Affordability increases Access to Justice

Mediation has been argued to increase access to justice for parties who cannot afford legal counsel.[6] While mediation is not a replacement of the court process, nor the assistance of a lawyer, the process may allow for the facilitation of parties needs, and reduced need for a lawyer for the entirety of the process. Sometimes, parties use the services of a mediator, and then seek independent legal advice once they have a draft settlement agreement, thus, paying for fewer hours of legal services.

Satisfying - family mediation services

Emotionally and financially satisfying 

Mediation is more satisfying for parties than litigating. Couples dealing with divorce can come to mutually agreeable solutions in relation to all aspects of the divorce; including access and custody arrangements, division of property and assets and more. Part of this more satisfying process means that parties are able to avoid some of the emotional and financial costs of traditional legal processes – fighting in court.[7] See our blog called Don't let fights go bad and building an emotional air conditioner.

Satisfying to parties' needs and interests

In addition, parties’ needs and interests are more likely to be met. In terms of results, mediating custody disputes produces better outcomes for families than adversarial legal battles.[8] In these ways, mediation is a more satisfying process. See our blog on family fights and how to fight fair.

Better for children - family mediation services

A great deal of research discusses the benefits of family mediation for children. Conflict is negative for children, so anything that can reduce the animosity between parents is beneficial for kids. A court process only exacerbates aggressive conflict tactics (see our blog on conflict styles). In addition, through offering creative and flexible solutions for families, family mediation can help parties avoid negative and destructive conflict in the future, by helping them develop effective agreements and teaching skills in conflict resolution. 

Also, read our blog on How to find a good mediator.

---

[1] Robert A Baruch Bush and Joseph P Folger, The Promise of Mediation: The Transformative Approach to Conflict (San Francisco, California, Jossey Bass, 2005) at 71.

[2] Bush and Folger, supra note 1 at 72.

[3] Joan B Kelly and Robert E Emery, “Children’s Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives” (2003) 52 Family Relations at 376 citing Emery R (1994) Renegotiating family relationships: divorce, child custody, and mediation (New York: The Guilford Press, 1994).

[4] Justice Quebec. Family mediation - Negotiating a fair agreement, online: <http://www.justice.gouv.qc.ca/english/programmes/mediation/accueil-a.htm>.

[5] Id.

[6] Jessica Pearson (1994) Family mediation. In S Keilitz (ed), A report on current research findings - implications for courts and future research needs (pp 53-75). Washington, DC: State Justice Institute.

[7] Bush and Folger, supra note 1 at 72.

[8] Id.

Top 10 Songs about Conflict - 2015

Top 10 Songs about Conflict - 2015

This blog is part of our series of top conflict songs. See the Top 10 Conflict Songs of 2014.

1. Hello - Adele

A song about reconciliation and when fights go bad.

A past conflict has resulted in a separation, but during this song she is trying to resolve this conflict. The fact that she has taken the first step in reconciling the relationship is admirable, however there are ulterior motives behind this reconnection, which could create extra conflict and avoidance down the line. When rebuilding a relationship, honesty is always the best policy. You can’t build an honest relationship out of lies (also see tips on coping with divorce).

2. Elastic Heart - Sia

A song about destructive relationships and moving on.

This song deals with a relationship that did not work, even though they may have tried mediation and other means to repair the relationship. However, no methods worked, and she feels destroyed by the experience. The truth is, you can try to repair a relationship or situation all you want, even partake in mediation, but sometimes it simply does not work. However, it is a method that often has positive results (benefits of mediation), so it is still worth partaking in the practice.

3. Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor

This song is about being open to resolve conflict. 

In order to avoid any sort of conflict in her relationships resulting in separation or avoidance, she has created a set of conditions and rules, which she lays out in the song to any future lover. In theory, this may seem like an intelligent idea, however strict rules often lead to rebellion. Open discussion is always a wise option in terms of mediation, given that intense rules could lead to restricting yourself from opportunities (also see conflict resolution styles).

4. Love Yourself (Justin Bieber)

This song is about dealing with rejection and moving on.

This song involves a self-obsessed ex-partner that’s causing conflict simply for the attention of the singer. He is trying to avoid any sort of confrontation with this person, however in this song, he addresses it by completely dismissing and distancing himself from said conflict. This song reflects a realistic and aggregable option towards conflict, do not involve yourself.

5. Bloodstream - Ed Sheeran

This song is about internal conflict and empathy.

This song involves a man who has created conflict, resulting in people’s active avoidance. He has done this because of conflicts within himself, and this song is his realization of his mistake, too late for reconciliation. In cases such as these, you would need to keep in mind its never too late to attempt reconciliation, through mediation. If you were one of those whom avoided, it’s about being empathetic and compromising while your friend is going through a tough phase.

6. Suffer In Peace - Tyler Farr

This song is about avoidance.

This is about a man who has compromised to make somebody else happy, but he has simultaneously compromised himself by doing this. Avoidance is a dream for him, he is unhappy and looking back, wishes that he had done something different.  In this case, mediation or taking a step back could be a more realistic option. The point of compromise is to reach a midpoint that makes both parties happy, otherwise what is the point. Collaboration might be even better, where both parties are said to find a win-win solution.

7. Don’t Wanna Fight (Alabama Shakes)

This song is about finding resolution, taking into account all of your needs and interests.

The inspiration behind this song was about the bands earlier struggles, finding a balance between their full-time jobs and their band practices. This is a very real issue in the workplace, finding a balance between hobbies, having a good time and work. If there are issues, you shouldn’t be put out by approaching your employer/manager to discuss your feeling and options (also known as a form of negotiation). You also need to compromise within yourself, enjoying yourself but at the same time being realistic financially.

8. Ghost Town - Adam Lambert

This song is about change and trust.

This song is about the changes happening within society and especially Hollywood. He is trying to fight against the change but feels alone in the struggle. This conflict is not between two people, but between a person and society. Society will change inevitably. The options are either to avoid the situation altogether, remain conflicted or accept the change. Sometimes, trusting that the situation will change is the most difficult. Each of these options have their own advantages and disadvantages. Learn more about conflict escalation and resolution.

9. Secret Love Song (Little Mix)

This song is about honesty and compromise.

The song is about a relationship that is being kept a secret, due to it being looked down upon by society. This song has strong LGBTQIA links, as mentioned by Little Mix themselves. This song is a duet also starring Jason Derulo (in some versions), and as the song gets to the bridge, they are having an argument about whether to be honest or keep the relationship a secret (see our blog, Should I stay or should I go?). In a situation such as this, a compromise seems to have already been reached, with one of the parties unhappy with the arrangement. This song seems to be a crossroads between being open, and the situation turning to one of avoidance instead of romance. Also see our blog on cheating in relationships - advice on adultery, which also deals with secrets.

10. B**** Better Have My Money - Rhianna

This song is about confidence in conflict.

This may seem like an odd choice for some, but this song is the perfect example of somebody who does not compromise, apologize or avoid conflict. This woman believes she is correct and strong and refuses to be told different. This type of personality is not ideal for mediators; however, we have to deal with all personalities and you will run into people of this temperament. The trick is to make the outspoken party feel in control.

Ashton Bult, Mediate to Go Blogger

Ashton Bult is our media blogger, focusing on mediation and conflict resolution and its effects on modern pop culture and vice versa. Leaning towards youth engagement with mediation, he has studied a wide variety of courses at the Auckland University of Technology and the International Travel College. When he isn't on his computer, he'll be performing on stage. 

Celebrities and Mediation – What Is The Link?

Ola! Hope you guys are still having a read of my blogs, and perhaps this one caught your attention. Throughout history, there have been disagreements, conflicts and a need for mediation. As history goes on, it has simply been thrust into greater prominence. Singers, actors and public figures are constantly thrust into the limelight and scrutinised.

Whether you are talking about legendary feuds, such as that between Betty Davis and Joan Crawford, or feuds in more modern pop culture, such as the conflicts between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, there seems to be much need for mediation in Hollywood.

The question I pose to you is this; are celebrities and their disagreements really as epic as the media makes them out to be? Are they heavily exaggerated, and modern media simply does it for the money? Or perhaps it is a mix between the two, with both parties at fault (see conflict escalation)?

Below I will write about a few celebrities I believe have caused a lot of conflict, either between each other, the media or even everyday viewers and consumers (see levels of conflict). I will give you a brief overview of the ‘issue’ and some insight on both possible successful conflict resolution techniques for their situations, as well as bringing back to the question raised above. I ask you to read this with an open mind.

Betty Davis + Joan Crawford

For all you classic Hollywood lovers, this particular feud is notorious. In fact, Ryan Murphy has recently released a season of his new anthology series ‘Feud’, which focuses on this particular feud. This feud was between two actresses, and apparently lasted both of their lifetimes.

Although it is an extremely long story, it started when Betty Davis was only beginning to come into prominence. One of her new movies was near to release, but was overshadowed by Joan Crawford’s recent divorce. As time went on, this intensified, especially as Betty Davis began to become more successful than Crawford. This feud came to a head in the movie ‘Whatever Happened To Baby Jane’, where they hurt each other in a show of destructive conflict, perhaps on purpose and argued constantly.

I believe mediation could have definitely been a successful technique in this situation. Judging on what we know via the media, it seems as if this feud came from jealousy of one another and their talent. However, the truth was that they were both quite talented. I believe a discussion about their issues face-to-face; perhaps with a third party involved would have been a good start. In terms of the issues on set, I believe compromise could have been the best option. Offering an increase in pay for a better attitude as an incentive, or a decrease for hindering the process would have done the trick, or at the least influenced the parties in their decision to try to resolve the conflict.

Do I think this feud was exaggerated and blown out of proportion? I believe so. I don’t believe they got along, but most articles that I have researched regarding this feud are filled with ‘they could’ or ‘it is assumed’. A lot of the feud was also based on third hand accounts, which could have been exaggerated or taken out of context. It could have also been a more fun rivalry between the two, or genuine conflict escalation.

Britney Spears and Conflict

Although Britney Spears could cover many different types of conflict (she could be the topic of an article within itself!), I am going to focus on her conflicts with the media itself, and the media industry she works in.

Although she was a member of the Mickey Mouse club, she truly came into prominence in 1998, with her first hit single “…Baby One More Time”. Throughout her career, she has been known for her up-tempo numbers, and her dancing skills. However, she has always been heavily scrutinized by the media, whether regarding her relationships, sometimes provocative manner and singing ability.

This conflict with the media came to a head in 2007, when she has a mental breakdown, resulting in her losing custody of her children, shaving her head and being caught fleeing the scene of a hit-and-run. As a result, the media came down even harder on her, to the point where she attacked them physically, most notably with an umbrella (video below).

Britney’s Conflict with the Paparazzi

Britney Spears had a rocky relationship with the paparazzi, and when it reaches a head in which physical conflict seems like the only answer, there is most defiantly a problem. Although many celebrities may not admit it, the paparazzi are vital to them in order to keep them relevant and interesting, considering the amount of famous singers, actors and public figures nowadays. At the same time, paparazzi need celebrities for their pay check, as well as to keep themselves relevant, edgy and interesting within their industry. An almost co-dependent relationship (see also unhealthy relationships).

Although it is never right for a conflict to become physical in any circumstance, we can empathize with Britney’s feelings (not actions) in the situation. I could tell you about conflict resolution and mediation techniques in this situation that are certainly relevant if this situation were on a smaller scale. An apology on both sides and discussions with a neutral third party regarding how they could have a comfortable working relationship would be very useful in this situation. And perhaps if, in your workplace or life, there is a similar problem on a smaller scale, this would be a great option. However, for THIS situation, it is not realistic. There is no one person that represents all the media in the world, so conflict resoution becomes more practicable.

And so we return to my starting question, whether this rocky relationship is as serious as it is made out to be, or if it is exaggerated. In this situation, I believe it was serious. Britney Spears was going through a mental breakdown at the time, and she felt that physical conflict would be a successful technique to create space between the paparazzi and her. This is not a smart or responsible technique, but she was on the edge and perhaps not in the right frame of mind. Besides, there was photo evidence!!!

Tom Cruise; when Conflict Resolution can’t work.

I know. The majority of people hear this name and smack their heads against the wall. This particular conflict is based around a variety of conflicts, both within the media and the public.

The story is simple. In a nutshell, Tom Cruise identifies as a Scientologist. I personally do not judge people based on their religions, I believe you can be whoever you want to be. However, his religion caused backlash in the public eye, as well as within the press. At the same time, this brought Scientology into the limelight, causing an increase in conversions.

To be honest, religion is close to people and may seem part of people’s identities. When mediating a situation involving religion, you might always be walking on eggshells, hense, the need to understand people’s human needs an ensure that the mediation environment is respectful. Cruise’s situation is another case whereby mediation techniques aren’t realistic. For example, perhaps the conflict could have been averted if people observed privacy around religious issues; however that defeats the purpose of paparazzi. I guess the advice to give for a workplace conflict involving religion is simply setting down rules with both parties that your personal life shouldn’t affect professionalism within the workplace. At the same time, encouraging respect and understanding between everyone in the process so that they are valued for their diversity.

Was this issue over-exaggerated, resulting in an overreaction from the public? I personally believe the answer is no. The reason for this opinion is because Tom Cruise was merely a catalyst that thrust Scientology into the limelight, a controversial religion to say the least! He was criticized mainly because of his high profile status, and the negative effects his association could have in terms of sign-ups.

Judy Garland and Intra-personal Conflict

The story of Judy Garland is a sad one, and the conflict I am focusing on in this section is the conflict within her, and how that was perceived within the media.

I don’t know why the stories about old Hollywood stars seem to be lengthier, but Judy Garland is another lady with a long history, so I will briefly skim the details. Miss Garland has a tough childhood, and from a young age she was thrust into the limelight. She was very successful, however over time she began to deteriorate, resulting in issues such as not turning up to set. Eventually, stress and depression led to her early death.

In terms of conflict resolution, multiple attempts were made to help her. She saw a therapist often, sometimes twice a day, and she had taken multiple trips to rehabilitation centres to attempt to wean her off her vices. I believe compromises were made, however she could not comply. The only option that did not take place was a leave of absence from acting or a more permanent stay in a rehabilitation centre, which I believe was most likely the family’s next move. Conflict resolution is only possible when parties are healthy in a wholeistic sense. Taking leave is common to return to health, which may in turn, help in resolving issues internally and with others.

I believe that the media was putting her in the wrong light. They were portraying her as a diva, rather than a celebrity with some serious problems. This led to misconceptions by the public of her being spoilt. This was not so much an exaggeration as an assumption without reliable sources or backup for their claims. In the end, it seems that her deeper needs were not being recognized by the media, whether their recognition would help, that is another story.

Miley Cyrus and Conflict Resolution

I thought to end on a bit on a more positive note; I would finish on Miley Cyrus, a young lady who is always the victim of controversy, with the main source of conflict being with the public. I will discuss her behaviour and some tips to address inappropriate actions, but in a workplace context.

As the daughter of a famous singer (Billy-Ray Cyrus), Miley was exposed to the public from a young age. As a teen, she was recruited for Disney Channel’s ‘Hannah Montana’. Through this role, she became a role model for many. Once she was released from her contract, she changed her look and attitude significantly. Whether she was smoking weed, swinging naked on a wrecking ball or twerking on Robin Thicke, she was stirring strong emotions (like AND dislike) throughout pop culture (watch video below).

Although I personally believe she was not at all in the wrong, I will go through some possible mediation techniques you could use within your workplace to address this behaviour, as it would be inappropriate in that setting. As an employer, you would have to be firm. Set down ground rules (or boundaries) as soon as you set up your business (or once you read this), so if this happens, you can refer back to these rules. Compromise in this situation would give those in a lesser position power over you, and although every member of a team relies on each other, the chain of command should always be maintained. This discussion should be calm, and I believe it would be appropriate to have a third, neutral party. Also see our blogs on how to fix conflict (or a relationship).

I believe this situation was blown out of proportion by both the media and consumers. Parents for example, complained about their children being tainted by her actions, and that her concerts were inappropriate. However, this information is readily available through magazines and the internet, so if they were worried about it being inappropriate, perhaps they should not have brought their children tickets in the first place. Miley Cyrus was trying out a new look and personality, as most teens her age do, and yet she was held to a different standard than others.

Thank you for reading. If you have any comments, opinions or advice, I would love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ashton Bult, Mediate to Go Blogger

Ashton Bult is our media blogger, focusing on mediation and conflict resolution and its effects on modern pop culture and vice versa. Leaning towards youth engagement with mediation, he has studied a wide variety of courses at the Auckland University of Technology and the International Travel College. When he isn't on his computer, he'll be performing on stage.