How to Rebuild Trust and Trust Issues

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her insights about trust, and how to rebuild trust. Also, please see our other blog on the Definition of Trust.

Trust is one of the fundamental elements in a relationship.  We cannot really be close to someone if we can’t trust them.  And if you are close to someone you  know you cannot trust…ask yourself why.

This blog is for those of you who have messed up…made a mistake…hurt somebody…damaged the trust someone had in you.  It is within your power to earn that trust back.

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Note that I said earn.  You cannot demand trust.  It must be earned, and given freely.  There is no big sign that declares someone trustworthy or not.  Someone decides…or not…to place their trust in you.  To trust that their heart/money/safety is safe with you.  Trust is a gift, and a decision.

That said, here are some things that are within your power to do when you have broken trust:

1. Be patient: Know that it cannot be fixed immediately.   Try not to rush the process.   You may feel better if the incident is never mentioned again, but that’s not realistic.  See the rebuilding as a process that is worthy of time and patience.
2. Listen without defensiveness: There is tremendous power in your ability to listen to and really hear and understand the pain you have caused.  It takes courage to face someone we have hurt, but this is what moves you through towards greater trust.  Just listen to and accept their emotion.  No excuses.  Be that soft place for them to fall
3. Take responsibility for what you did: You are not responsible for their emotions…only for what you did.  Name what you did.  Name that it wasn’t okay. Name the effect you think it had on them.
4. Apologize in many different ways: Chapman and Thomas’s book “The Five Languages of Apology” describes apologizing as saying “I am sorry.”  “I was wrong”, “What can I do to make it right?” “I’ll try not to do that again”, and “Will you please forgive me?”
5. Act differently: If your actions sent the message that your partner/friend wasn’t important to you…then do things that send the opposite, correct message.  Do things that say “You are vitally important to me”.  This can be as small as sending a quick text to say “how’s your day?”
6. Be Transparent: If the mistake was a lie about something that was hidden, then the gift of transparency is powerful.  Information is power.  Letting your loved one know where you are, who you are with…leaving your email, phone and facebook account open and available…openness feeds trust.
7. Do not repeat the behaviour: If a mistake is made and the lesson is learned, that is one thing, but if you are repeating the behaviour, then you may want to seek professional help if figuring out why this is happening.  Acting trustworthy is ultimately the only way to get people to trust you.

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Active Listening Techniques

Mediate2go.com: Active Listening Techniques, Body Language

Listening is one of those skills that can always use improvement.  Having our feelings validated is one of our greatest psychological needs, so by working on your active listening skills, you are bound to improve your conflict resolution skills and even your relationships.

How is listening related to conflict?  If you harness the power of listening, you will be better able to transform conflict so it takes a more constructive path (versus a destructive and escalating one).  If you help the person you are in conflict with to feel ‘heard’, you can create a turning point that will allow both of you to discuss underlying needs and interests at the root of the tension between you. In addition, active listening can increase the level of trust with another person, so that if miscommunication is to occur in the future, it might be easier for each person to give the other the “benefit of the doubt”. Please see the Mediate2go.com blog on Building Trust and Mediate2go.com blog on How to Fix a Relationship.

Visit Mediate2go.com and sign up for a free account to learn how to actively listen to anyone in your life. Mediate2go.com will even email you free advice and how to have a dialogue!

Active listening is not rocket science but it does require some work.  Follow these guidelines:

1. Send Signals: Listening involves you and the other person.  It’s more than ‘hearing’ their words.  It requires that you send signals indicating that you heard what they said. Use verbal prompts to show that you are listening (“Okay, I hear you”, “Tell me more…”).
2. Truth is Perspective: Each person has their own version of the truth, so focus your discussions on how each of you perceive and feel about a given issue
3. Paraphrase: Use paraphrasing by repeating their idea in your own words (“So, you are telling me that…”), then do a perception check by asking if you understood them correctly
4. Body Language is Key: Listen with body language through maintaining eye contact, mirroring their facial expressions, leaning towards them, facing them and using an open body posture by keeping your arms uncrossed. As the above quote details, body language is commonly more important than what is stated verbally, so as an active listener, you must pay a great deal of attention to the body language of the person you are communicating with. Studies have revealed that between 65% and 95% of communication is done non-verbally. Feel free to ask someone questions if they appear upset in some way, if they are not verbalizing it. You can say something like, “I get the impression you are upset because of your reaction. Do you want to talk about it?” Even if they are not ready to open up and state their feelings, they have been made aware of their reaction and might be open thereafter. They are also made accountable to their reaction.
5. Space for Silence: Sometimes silence is the best medicine.  If you don’t know what to say, just be there with them
6. Eliminate Distractions: Set aside time to talk and get rid of all distractions
7. Listen First, Deliberate and Speak After: Don’t prepare your response while they are speaking.  Trust that you will remember your ideas and prepare your response when they are done 

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Avoid these common listening traps:


• Responding to someone by speaking about yourself. This is officially called an asyndetic response.  Consider asking whether the speaker would like to be listened to or prefers advice.
• False time-outs.  During heated debates when emotions are running high, people may decide to take some time to cool down.  However, we often make the mistake of taking too short of a break even though we have not physiologically calmed down.  Take at least 20 minutes to calm down from an argument. 

Try these tips and see if your conflicts and even relationships start to change.  Remember that you also deserve to be listened to.  If you feel as if someone isn’t ‘hearing’ you, ask them if they understand what you’ve expressed and don’t be scared to ask them for what you need (“Can you please look at me when I am speaking with you? Can you please make eye contact with me?”).

Let us know how it goes.  We’re listening!

Resources:

• Active Listening on Wikipedia
• NPR USA
• Colorado Program

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