Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce has advantages over fighting in court

Is there such a thing as friendly divorce? We think so. This blog is about how you can move past revenge towards a friendly divorce.

Mediate2go: Top 10 Songs about Divorce

If you are experiencing a divorce, check out our blog on the Top 10 Songs about Divorce and Top 10 Songs about Conflict. In addition, if you haven’t decided if you should divorce or not, read this blog about choosing whether to divorce and mediate.

Introduction to Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce satisfies needs

Family mediation is one of the most popular forms of amicable divorce available to parties. Amicable divorce provides a means to prevent what some people label as the problematic approach of family litigation. For many, family litigation is inflexible and fails to satisfy parties’ true needs. “In comparison with more formal, legal and adversarial processes, [family] mediation is characterized by an informality and mutuality that can reduce both the economic and emotional costs of dispute settlement.[1]”

Amicable divorce is flexible

Mediation is often more appropriate than litigation, given that parties are not required to follow a strict set of rules, and parties achieve emotionally satisfying results because the process has been designed to satisfy these unique needs. Amicable divorce still takes into account and must respect legislation and regulations that guide family law, but provides increased flexibility to parties to come to an amicable solution.

Differing views on amicable divorce

Some people have questioned the benefits of amicable divorce, some calling it “the good divorce myth”. In a news article from 2014, the DailyMail noted a study that questioned whether mitigating family conflict had any improved impact on children (see Amicable Divorce). Specifically, they stated that divorcing couples that try to remain friends to help their children would have little positive impact as a result of this strategy. On the contrary, much research has been done that encourages parties to reduce the level of destructive conflict between one another to benefit their children. This research, which encourages conflict resolution, does not state that couples breaking up must be friends per se; rather, but rather they must reduce the level of conflict (see also conflict escalation).

Benefits of amicable divorce and family mediation with songs

Amicable divorce helps you take care of yourself – Divorce can be one of the most difficult times for a family unit to endure. When you are kind to yourself as a divorcing parent, you will be more effective at managing yourself on a daily basis through this crisis. Family mediation provides a way for you to peacefully resolve your marriage break-up so that you may better satisfy your needs. The court system and family litigation process is not designed to help you take care of yourself.

Amicable divorce helps you learn how to address conflict – Through participating in an amicable divorce process, you may learn new skills to address conflict in your relationship with your ex, in addition to your relationships with other people. The skills you practice in an amicable divorce can help you address issues in the future. Read more about the benefits of Alternative Dispute Resolution.

Amicable divorce helps you find happiness and change – “if your marriage fails, you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, hurt, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams” (CMHA). Amicable divorce might increase the chances that you can again, satisfy your deeper needs and interests. Instead of focusing your energy on competition, arguing and fighting with your ex, amicable divorce through family mediation allows you to quickly find a way to move on.

Amicable divorce helps you prevent emotional turbulence for your children – “During a divorce, parents can do a lot to ease the child’s transition. As a divorcing parent, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems” (APA). Through amicable divorce, your children are less likely to be exposed to on-going, damaging conflict. Check out our detailed blog about managing and coping with divorce effectively when children are in the picture.

What does amicable divorce look like?

Family mediation 

Parties request the help of a neutral third party known as a mediator. The mediator works with each party to identify and clarify their deeper needs during a pre-mediation session. The second part of the process is the actual mediation, where the neutral third party helps parties identify shared concerns, exchange information, brainstorm solutions and come to an agreement. Read more about the benefits of mediation services and how ADR can help. Do you want to try it out? Find a mediator.

Collaborative law

In this process, parties would each retain the services of a collaborative lawyer. The lawyers would do their best to help parties achieve an out-of-court agreement. Failing this, the parties would be required to retain other lawyers, so as to encourage the collaborative lawyers come to an amicable solution. Are you looking for a collaborative lawyer, check out this directory.

Conclusion – Amicable Divorce

Overall, amicable divorce will help you get better results than you might expect from court (in many cases). Family mediation “has produced better-quality results for both children and parents than litigated rulings.[2]” The goal of amicable divorce is to satisfy parties in many ways.

Mediation has the goal of ensuring that the parties’ human needs are met and goals achieved.[3] In this view, mediation aims to reduce the pain that parties experience as a result of intractable conflict. The mechanics of the flexible and informal mediation process help parties reduce the emotional and economic burdens of parties in dispute and the use of public resources to settle these disputes through the court.[4]

If you are faced with divorce or separation, consider trying a different approach. In the end, you are likely to save money, time and also your relationships. Find a mediator.

 

M2G: Amicable Divorce

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[1] The Promise of Mediation

[2] The Promise of Mediation

[3] The Promise of Mediation

[4] The Promise of Mediation

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Also see our blog on the Top 10 songs about conflict – 2014.

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014 - Find a mediator

1)     Justin Bieber - Where Are U Now

This song says a lot about divorce. The person who leaves the relationship often has days, weeks or months to prepare to leave the relationship. In this song, Justin Bieber talks about how he “gave [his ex] faith, turned [her] doubt into hoping.” This may be a normal reaction for a spouse who did not initiate the separation or divorce. While ‘the initiating’ partner has ample time to process the emotional pain of the end of the relationship, the remaining partner has yet to go through this difficult grieving process.

Couples should seek the help of a therapist, especially if they have children. They can also talk to their mediator about options, and whether they feel that they are ready to go through a family mediation process. Some people prefer the more amicable divorce process of alternative dispute resolution to more expensive family litigation processes.

2)     Ariana Grande - One Last Time

This song is about adultery and moving on. Sometimes relationships end due to adultery. The partner who committed adultery might seek forgiveness and another chance to fix the relationship, even if the other person has moved on (see letting go of the past). This song shows how someone might want to continue trying, even if it is only for the short term. This is part of the grieving process – denial. Even if you “take the person home” [get back together with your ex], you are likely to feel more pain. If you are in this situation, be careful to not stay in a destructive relationship.

3)     Andy Grammer - Honey, I'm Good.

This song is about loyalty, staying true to your partner and preventing divorce. Unfortunately, many relationships end due to infidelity – which is what the lyrics, in some ways, try to prevent. “Trying to stay true” translates to fidelity. If you have made a mistake, you can always learn how to fix a relationship – what to talk about or whether to choose divorce or family mediation.

4)     Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband

This song is about expectations and fighting fair in relationships. We might have idealistic views and impose our desires of our partner. If our expectations are not realistic, we may eventually seek divorce or separation. Why does divorce happen? Usually, it’s not about the smaller things, like not “buying groceries” or “seeing your family more than mine”. Couples often divorce because one partner has been resenting feeling lonely, or they have not succeeded in resolving conflict effectively (see the blog on why couples divorce).

The song also discusses the need to “Just apologize” “After every fight”. While Meghan Trainor asks for an apology even if she is wrong, it shows the importance of resolving conflict effectively in relationships and fighting fair. It’s important to avoid blame and the desire for revenge. The same goes for the divorce process - parties should seek mediation services to fight fair (Family Fights: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict).

5)     B**** Better Have My Money (Rihanna)

The song is about conflict escalation and divorce settlements. It represents the nasty side of divorce when parties choose to go to court rather than to mediate (and use ADR). Rhianna takes an aggressive and exaggerated approach to getting her money. Even if the money is owed after a divorce, an aggressive approach is likely to backfire. We recommend that parties try mediation, because mediation offers various benefits that encourage parties to jointly resolve issues together, saving them time, money and frustration (see Benefits of Mediation).

6)     Florida Georgie Line – Sippin’ on Fire

This is another song about cheating. Florida Georgie Line speaks about the passion and desire of the human heart, and the unfortunate realities of people going “round the truth” – meaning: continuing an extra-marital relationship without deciding whether to stay in the relationship or to leave the relationship.  The song says “Every goodbye is bittersweet, So why should we fight what we both need?”

Often, individuals in relationships have sexual desires, but they do not feel at ease or know how to be honest and open with their partner. They avoid the confrontation and fail to seek the help of a marriage therapist to facilitate communicating their needs and working through their feelings. Instead, they continue the affair, which usually leads to divorce or a destructive relationship.

7)     Nick Jonas – Chains

This song is about being in a destructive relationship. Let’s face it, some marriages should never have started, let alone continue for years. This song is about being comfortable with discomfort, and staying in a relationship that keeps us in “chains”. If you are in a destructive relationship, read about it and seek help from someone who cares about you or a marriage therapist.

8)     Sia – Elastic Heart

This song is about moving on. No matter the challenge you face during divorce, you are resilient and can face any challenge with the right amount of support. Even if your partner leaves you, you are not broken. As Sia says, continue to “fight for peace”. This song encourages adaptability in times of change, extreme pain, and grief.

9)     Rachel Platten – Fight song

This song is all about gaining self-confidence after a difficult and destructive conflict. Rachel discusses a more adversarial approach to conflict “with power’s turned on”. Although the lyrics are positive in many ways, (“starting right now I’ll be strong”) a more aggressive approach to divorce might lead to further conflict escalation. This isn’t to say that confidence is a bad thing. We all need confidence, especially after divorce or separation. Use this song to motivate yourself to move on, but still try mediation services to ensure that everyone’s interests are met.

10)   Pharrel Williams - Happy

This song signifies the goals of alternative dispute resolution and amicable divorce –to help parties resolve their conflict, move on and feel happy again. Life is too short to dwell on the past. Happiness is to be felt by parents and children alike. If you are able to focus your energy on finding a new and effective way to communicate with your divorced partner, you are more likely to feel happy in your new life. In addition, your children will have an easier time adapting to this new familial reality. There are many benefits to mediation services, so what’s the harm of trying it out?

Thanks for reading this blog on Songs about Divorce. Be sure to find a mediator if you are going through a divorce or separation.

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014 - Find a mediator

Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators

Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators and Conflict Coaches

Mediate2go: Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators

What are boundaries in conflict resolution

Similar to boundaries between nations or property, interpersonal and professional boundaries have many benefits. Boundaries in mediation, conflict coaching and conflict resolution in general can:

• Help our clients resolve conflict (see setting boundaries to resolve conflict)
• Help us define our own limits
• Help us know when our limits have been passed or violated
• Help others understand our limits and ensure that they respect them
• Help us maintain power and take responsibility for what we are responsible
• Encourage others to take responsibility for what they are responsible
• Encourage stability in relationships
• Provide a way for parties to learn to trust one another
• Ensure safety is protected

All of these apply in the context of conflict resolution. Boundaries benefit both client and professional. Without boundaries, we are simply other people in the lives of our clients. We might think we are helping, but we are not necessarily encouraging a change in patterns based on the needs of the client. If we expect our clients to be self-leaders in conflict, we need to be self-leaders when helping our clients in conflict.

What are the levels and types of boundaries?

Mediate2go: Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators

• Personal - boundaries related to your personal needs
• Professional - boundaries related to your professional obligations and reputation
• Social - boundaries related to social norms
• Organizational - boundaries related to organization requriements, policies and procedures
• Legal - boundaries related to legal obligations
• Community - boundaries related to community and cultural norms

Top 10 signs that you have a boundary issue to address

1. I can’t do this – I’m worried I can’t help the parties resolve this conflict.
2. I feel annoyed – Something about the client or situation is bothering me.
3. I feel too close – My empathy for the client might be turning into sympathy or the need to please a client.
4. I feel embarrassed – Something said in mediation has embarrassed me directly or indirectly.
5. I don't know what to say – I am not comfortable with silence.
6. I feel rushed – Parties want issues resolved quickly.
7. I want to fix this – I want the clients to have a resolution.
8. I am being pushed into a corner – The client wants me to adjust the process against my better judgement or take responsibility for their issue.
9. I feel pressured to laugh at a client's joke – The client might be trying to get you on their side.
10. My client is angry at me, and I'm getting angry – The client's typical conflict interaction patterns might be manifesting themselves in the mediation room.

What can you do as a practitioner?

First of all, consider whether your safety might be at risk. Read about safety for mediators and coaches. If you feel safe, decide how you will assert your boundaries. Speak to your peers in mediation to get some insights, while respecting your client's privacy and confidentiality. Learn about how to manage your own emotions in the situation to learn how to become confident as a mediator. Remember, you are a model for your client(s), so personal work is key to being a good mediator (How to become a mediator). If you have ideas to share with your colleagues, please add them to this blog. Thanks!

Mediate2go: Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators

What to Expect in Mandatory Mediation in Small Claims Court

A Guide to Settlement Conferences in Ontario for Self-Represented Litigants

This blog is to help you prepare to attend a mandatory mediation session in relation to a legal dispute.

What is a Settlement Conference?

Every disputed action brought in Small Claims Court in Ontario must participate in mediation. This mandatory mediation is known as a settlement conference and is regulated by Rule 13 of the Rules of the Small Claims Court. 

The settlement conference is administered by Small Claims Court and the mediator is a Deputy Judge. It is an informal discussion with a knowledgeable, neutral, third-party, in contrast to a trial.

Mediate2go: What to Expect in Mandatory Mediation in Small Claims Court

The Purpose of the Settlement Conference

According to Rule 13.03 of the Rules of the Small Claims Court:

The purposes of a settlement conference are,

(a) to resolve or narrow the issues in the action;

(b) to expedite the disposition of the action;

(c) to encourage settlement of the action;

(d) to assist the parties in effective preparation for trial; and

(e) to provide full disclosure between the parties of the relevant facts and evidence

In other words, the settlement conference provides the parties with a neutral assessment of the case without a binding decision. For example, the Deputy Judge might ask questions about the supporting evidence, how a party arrived at the amount of money in dispute, or instruct that certain legal procedures must be followed. The Deputy Judge may also give a frank evaluation that the claim or the amount of money is unreasonable or inflated. Since the goal is to settle the action, parties may be expected to come with an offer to settle or a counter-offer.

The parties are given insight into how a Deputy Judge might view the case if it goes to trial. Parties should consider the Deputy Judge’s assessment carefully and modify their expectations accordingly even though the settlement conference does not produce a final decision. If you think your claim is worth $25,000, but during the settlement conference the Deputy Judge points out flaws in your case and believes it is worth only $5,000, you should reconsider how much you are willing to accept.

Furthermore, the Deputy Judge will help you to prepare for trial. Unlike TV shows that depict surprise evidence, you must disclose all evidence to the Court and the other side before the trial. If the Deputy Judge orders you to produce (or disclose) certain evidence and you fail to do so, you will not be permitted to introduce that evidence at trial.

Attending the Settlement Conference

Once the defendant files and serves the defence, the Court will schedule a settlement conference. All parties will receive a Notice of Settlement Conference, with the date and location of the settlement conference.

You must attend the settlement conference. If you know that you cannot attend on that day, you must notify the other side, and ask to reschedule, which is known as seeking an adjournment. To seek an adjournment, you can call the number provided on the Notice of Settlement Conference. If at the last minute, you are prevented from attending, you should send someone to the settlement conference to seek an adjournment in person.

If you received Notice of the Settlement Conference and do not attend, another Settlement Conference will be scheduled. Furthermore, the Deputy Judge can penalize you by ordering you to pay up to $100 in legal fees to the other party, which is called awarding costs.

How to Prepare for the Settlement Conference

You should be prepared to support your claim or defence, and have all evidence ready. When you receive the Notice of Settlement Conference, you will also receive a blank copy of Form 13A List of Proposed Witnesses. If there are any witnesses who have knowledge of the dispute whom you would like to bring to trial, you must fill out this form, serve it on all the parties, and file it with the court at least 14 days before the settlement conference. 

If you have any other evidence you want to use at trial that you did not include in your claim or defence, you must also provide copies of this evidence along with the List of Proposed Witnesses 14 days before the settlement conference. The evidence could be receipts, photographs, videos, a police report, medical records, etc.

You should also bring your copy of the Plaintiff’s Claim, the Defence, your List of Proposed Witnesses, and the other side’s List of Proposed Witnesses to the Settlement Conference.

What to Expect at the Settlement Conference 

Many Small Claims Courts in Ontario are in courthouses with other levels of court (Toronto is a notable exception). When you arrive at the courthouse, you will need to inquire at the front desk about where your Small Claims Settlement Conference will be held. They may ask for the title of your proceedings (which is the name of your action).

When you find the room number, there will be a sheet with the schedule (court docket) for that day. Your action should be on the list. Wait until your matter is called before entering the room. Be prepared to wait for several hours because the time on your Notice of Settlement Conference is not exactly when you will be called. Many Small Claims Courts organize their court dockets into morning sessions and afternoon sessions, e.g. 9:00 am and 1:00 pm. Therefore, there might be several settlement conferences scheduled for 9:00 am, which will be called one after the other. For example if your action is third on the court docket for 9:00 am, you may not be called until 11 am. The Small Claims Court in Toronto is an exception with a specific time slot for each settlement conference, however it is still not an exact time as settlement conferences may go over time or parties may fail to show up.

If you bring a friend as moral support while you wait, if that person has any direct knowledge of the dispute and you would like to use them as a witness, then s/he cannot enter the Settlement Conference room.

The settlement conference will be held in a meeting room, rather than a courtroom. Parties will sit on opposite sides of a long table. You should address the Deputy Judge as “Your Honour” and stand up when you are speaking.

Each settlement conference is different, and varies depending on the Deputy Judge. The Deputy Judge may introduce himself or herself, and explain the purpose of the settlement conference. Then s/he will ask each party to introduce themselves and their position, or version of the claim. Be ready to answer questions about the case or respond to the other side. The Deputy Judge may try to get the parties to settle, make orders about the production of evidence, or instruct that certain legal procedures be followed. If the parties are ill-prepared for the settlement conference, the Deputy Judge may order an additional settlement conference. 

The settlement conference is completely confidential, in order to encourage the parties to have a frank discussion with each other and with the Deputy Judge. If you go to trial, it will be before a different Deputy Judge.  Anything that was discussed at the settlement conference cannot be brought up at trial until after the decision is made, with the exception of any orders from the court about the production of documents.

After the settlement conference, you will receive a copy of an Endorsement Record/Order of the Court.

The settlement conference is not the only opportunity to settle the case. After the settlement conference, you may continue to negotiate with the other parties to reach an agreement.

More Resources

The official Rules of the Small Claims Court

The official Small Claims Court forms

The Ministry of Attorney General produced a Guide to Getting Ready for Court

If you are a low-income individual who is self-represented and you would like some pro bono (free) legal assistance, you should contact Law Help Ontario

Mediate2go: What to Expect in Mandatory Mediation in Small Claims Court

Industrial Relations - Conflict between companies and unions

What is industrial relations? 

An introduction to an area of dispute resolution in the workplace context.

The scenario is all too typical. You’re at a cocktail party and someone asks you about your profession. You tell them that you studied industrial relations and are now working in the area. Your interlocutor gives you the most puzzled look and then proceeds to ask:

“What’s industrial relations?”

Unfortunately, industrial relations is an esoteric term, known only in niche academic and professional circles. Put simply, it is a broad field of inquiry and practice dedicated to all facets of the employment relationship. The field strives to comprehend the experiences of employees and how these experiences are shaped by labor-management relations, human resource management practices, and public policies. It often addresses workplace conflict. They do so to understand how these forces shape outcomes for both employee well-being and organizational performance.

This is not to be confused with human resource management, a field focused mainly on managing people and organizational performance. The field of industrial relations is much larger than HR. According to a book by Bruce Kaufman  on the field’s history in the United Stated, industrial relations arguably originated in the 1920s. Its origins are rooted in two schools, the personnel management and institutional labor economics schools. The former focused on labor problems at the managerial level and the latter emphasized institutional contexts and public policy.

Today, the field of industrial relations in North America looks quite different. There are fewer business schools offering degrees explicitly in the area, and it appears that the field is being eclipsed to some extent by HR and organizational behavior. Nonetheless, the field of industrial relations is still experiencing considerable success. Many prominent programs are being offered by institutions such as Cornell’s ILR School, the University of Toronto’s Centre for Industrial Relations, the University of Montreal’s School of Industrial Relations, and Rutgers’ School of Management and Labor Relations. These Departments are actually engaged in a serious revitalization of the field, placing graduates in prominent business schools across the world who will reinvent the field.

This being said, as a North American, it is important to know that the field of industrial relations is very diverse, and extends beyond the experiences of Anglo-Saxon business and industrial relations departments. Many people studying sociology, economics, political science, and psychology consider themselves to be experts in industrial relations, focusing on aspects of the employment relationship which relate to their respective disciplines.

If we look abroad, we notice that the field of industrial relations has manifested itself differently across different countries and regions. Australian and British business schools are filled with industrial relations scholars. Meanwhile, Continental Europeans study industrial relations but do not associate themselves with the label. And they use a different lexicon to discuss issues pertaining to industrial relations, since their systems are so different. For example, Belgians understand wage-setting differently than we do largely because all Belgian wages are set through negotiations between companies and unions, while the vast majority of wages in Canada and the United States are set independently by the employer.

Having spoken about the degrees offered in industrial relations, what do industrial relations experts do? This is highly related to one’s personal interests and choice of specialization within the degree. Someone interested in labor-management relations may choose to be an expert negotiator and engage in collective bargaining, representing either a union or employer. On the other hand, those interested in human resource management may choose to work for a company, or opt to do consultancy work for private and public sector organizations. There are also those interested in public policy who would opt for a career in government.

This being said, there are many positive reasons to study industrial relations. Many speak of the benefits of getting master’s in industrial relations as an alternative to the now all too common MBA. Additionally, the placement rates of graduates from industrial relations programs are still considerably high and lucrative.

So, if you’ve been reading up until this point, you may be a bit more knowledgeable of what constitutes industrial relations and where the field is currently going. It's quite an interesting, and at times controversial, topic. Many industrial relations experts consider themselves to have dedicated their careers to improving the lives of workers. For this reason, they have a vested interest in the future of industrial relations as a field of inquiry and practice.

Sean, Industrial Relations Blogger

Sean O'Brady is a PhD student at the University of Montreal's School of Industrial Relations specializing in labor relations and the social regulation of economic security. He has worked with various policy teams at the Government of Canada, as well as numerous research initiatives, including his current role as a doctoral researcher with the Interuniversity Research Centre on Globalization and Work (CRIMT). He can be found binge-watching Netflix dramas with his beautiful wife during his off-hours.

Industrial Relations - Conflict between companies and unions

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

How to Talk to Kids about Separation & Divorce

Do you want to learn how to help kids cope with divorce? Coping with divorce isn't easy for anyone, especially children. Read this blog about helping children cope with divorce.

Mediate2go: How to Talk to Kids about Separation & Divorce

How to cope with divorce - for parents

Telling children that their family will no longer live in the same home is one of the most difficult parts of ending a marriage or relationship. There’s no easy way to do it, but there are definitely better and worse ways.  How and what you say is definitely dependent on the age of your kids. 

Consider these DO’s and Don’t for pre-teen kids…

THE DON’Ts…

• Don’t tell lies or make promises you don’t have control over. “Daddy’s leaving but he’ll be back” sets them up for more pain down the road.
• Don’t give them information they can’t handle. Children do not benefit from knowing the details of who felt wronged by whom.
• Don’t say that Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore. This is in the TMI category; it makes children wonder if their parents will stop loving them one day.
• Don’t be negative or blaming of the other parent. This can be very HARD sometimes, but it is simply in the best interest of the children for each parent to support the other whenever possible in front of the children. I’m seeing a lot of parental alienation lately, with parents turning children against the other parent. It’s a very disturbing trend and is sure to lead to conflict escalation.
• Don’t ask the kids to choose a parent to believe, love, or live with. That’s a terrible position to put them in, and far too much power for a child to manage. Children need to feel free to love all the people who support them, whether you like them. In general, adults should make decisions about where children live.
• Don’t assume that they’re fine. If they don’t say a lot, ask them what they’re wondering about and feeling. Remember to practice your skills in active listening.

 The DO’s…

• Do tell them together if possible, in a caring, supportive way.
• Do tell them only when there will actually be changes that they will see. Young children who don’t have a sense of time will be confused if you say Mommy’s leaving and then she doesn’t. Tell them when you have information about what changes will be happening and when.
• Do tell them that it’s about Mommy and Daddy (or Daddy and Daddy, or Mommy and Mommy, of course), not about them. “Sometimes parents decide not to live in the same house anymore.  But we will both always be here for you.”
• Do answer their questions. In general, kids only ask questions they’re ready to hear the answers to. But be careful not to give negative information about the other parent (read the blog: don’t let fights go bad).
• Do help them explore what will be different or the same, what friend’s have had parents separate, and what they think they will need in order to make it as smooth a transition as possible. This can empower them to get what they need to manage in the difficult time ahead.
• Do minimize the number of changes in the child’s life. Splitting a family is one thing; moving schools or neighbourhoods is additional stress.
• Do watch the children closely for signs of stress (change in temperament, school struggles, shutting down or aggression) and seek professional advice if you need it.

Conclusion about Talking to Kids about Separation & Divorce

I believe that having children together is a good reason to work hard at a marriage, and I also believe in the right we all have to decide who we are married to. Read all about when to divorce, separate and mediate, or to try therapy. I believe that, more than needing parents to be together in the same home, children mostly need parents to be happy and mutually supportive. You have the power to give your children those gifts (be sure to read our blog on confidence and conflict resolution). These are just some ways to help children cope with divorce.

Do you want to get divorced or separated?

Do you need to find a family mediator to help you through the divorce process? Try to find a mediator with Mediate2go.

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

How to Talk to Kids about Separation & Divorce