Stages of Conflict

Are you looking to learn more about the stages of conflict?

Introduction to Stages of Conflict

A great source to start to understand conflict, and specifically the stages of conflict, is the article by Louis R. Pondy, entitled Organizational Conflict: Concepts and Models (Administrative Science Quarterly, Vol. 12, No. 2 (Sep., 1967), pp. 296-320). Although the article is from the 1960s, the analysis is still applicable today, whether with respect to a conflict in the workplace, a separation or divorce or an international dispute. 

Be sure to see our blog on Levels of Conflict, which compliments the information here about stages of conflict.

Defining conflict

Conflict cannot be simply defined as some of the manifestations of conflict, like anger, stress or even behaviour such as hitting someone. Pondy suggests that conflict is best understood as a dynamic process made of a series of ‘conflict episodes’.

Pondy likens the definition of conflict to the definition of decision-making. In decision-making, the individual makes a commitment to a course of action gradually, often with multiple steps along the way. Conflict is no different, but takes place through “gradual escalation to a state of disorder”. He stated that the climax of decision-making is choice, and that the climax of conflict is open aggression. Fortunately, he notes that not every conflict leads to open aggression. This makes sense - think of all of the times that you have had disagreements with someone but they simple end with you saying “let’s agree to disagree”, or you noticed the conditions that could lead to a difficult conflict, and finally things “blow over” and lead to there being no conflict at all. For example, that time that someone took your place in line at the café, but then realized it, apologized, and went to the end of the line.

Stages of Conflict

1. Latent Conflict

There may be multiple forms of latent conflict that are present before a conflict episode. Latent conflict may include, for example,

• Competition for scarce resources (ie. there is only one job position being advertised but two of us are applying),
• Autonomy control (ie. my manager is micro-managing me and I need freedom, or for the Trekkie fans, “Resistence is futile”). Also see our blog on bad bosses and hostile environments.
• Goal divergence (ie. my colleague and I were put on a task group together, but we cannot reach a decision together)

2. Perceived Conflict

Conflict may exist with or without the perception of those involved. For example, there might be situations where people perceive conflict to exist, but after speaking, they realize that there was indeed no difference in opinions, and in fact, no conflict whatsoever. In this case, the stages of conflict do not proceed. This type of perception issue can be resolved through improved communication. See our blogs on Trust and Communication.

However, conflict may not be perceived or noticed when it actually exists. To become felt conflict, it must be perceived in some way. On the topic of hidden conflict, see our blogs on fearing conflict and conflict avoidance.

3. Felt Conflict

This stage of conflict is also known as the personalization of conflict, where conflict that is perceived, ends up having an impact on the person. The American recording artist Monica stated, “Don’t take it personal” - if someone were able to not take a situation personally, then it would mean that even if there were latent and perceived conflict, the conflict would not progress to the “Felt Conflict” stage. 

You may have felt this in your personal life, whereby you cognitively understand that there is a conflict between you and someone else, but you simply don’t care. In other words, long hair don't care; an expression which “emphasizes that the speaker isn't affected by what is meant as an insult but actually embraces the accusation”.

4. Manifest Conflict 

This stage is about conflict behaviours, which may be as overt as physical and verbal violence (see when fights goes bad), and as covert as sabotage, apathy or gossip. In order to understand if conflict has manifested, it is important to look at the context of the conflict. His article does however state that conflict is not manifested if one party is not aware that their behaviour frustrates the other person involved. This is where communicating with someone can make a difference in bringing that conflict to the surface, or by accessing the help of a mediator or conflict coach to assist you in addressing the conflict, when dealing with someone who is unaware of the impact of their behaviour, or if they are aware, but are unwilling to collaborate with you (see our blogs on Avoidance and Feeling uncomfortable? Set a Boundary). Although not mentioned in Pondy’s article, it might be useful to do a “perception check”, verifying whether or not your perception of the other person’s behaviour is based on an actual or mere perceived conflict.

5. Conflict Aftermath

If a conflict is resolved based on the interests and needs of all of those involved, then the parties may lay the foundation for a collaborative and healthy relationship (see our blog on when to choose therapy and when to divorce). However, if parties avoid issues, and the conflict is merely suppressed but not resolved, the latent conditions of conflict may be aggravated and explode in more serious form until they are rectified or until the relationship dissolves”. See our blogs on Conflict Escalation and Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships. This reminds us that addressing conflict in a constructive way can lay the groundwork for healthy and happy relationships in the future.

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love. 

Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Conclusion about the Stages of Conflict

The stages of conflict help us look at conflict differently. Conflict is not simply the behaviour that relates to our perceptions of conflict. Conflict involves the context, situation or as we call it here, the conditions that lead to conflict. Conflict then needs to be perceived, and depending on whether we feel impacted by it or not, it then must be felt. Finally, when we are aware that we are impacting the other person, but we continue to act in the same way, there is manifest conflict. The same applies for when someone else is the one perceiving, feeling or acting. The key take-away is that we have a great deal of choice in how we prevent conflict, both before, during and after the conflict, based on the groundwork we lay. There are many stages at which we may intervene in a situation, or change our own reactions in a situation (see our blog on how to be confident - building an emotional air conditioner), to impact whether a conflict goes bad (when fightsgo bad) or whether it is resolved effectively (see top 10 tips to resolve conflict).

Top 10 Songs about Conflict - 2015

Top 10 Songs about Conflict - 2015

This blog is part of our series of top conflict songs. See the Top 10 Conflict Songs of 2014.

1. Hello - Adele

A song about reconciliation and when fights go bad.

A past conflict has resulted in a separation, but during this song she is trying to resolve this conflict. The fact that she has taken the first step in reconciling the relationship is admirable, however there are ulterior motives behind this reconnection, which could create extra conflict and avoidance down the line. When rebuilding a relationship, honesty is always the best policy. You can’t build an honest relationship out of lies (also see tips on coping with divorce).

2. Elastic Heart - Sia

A song about destructive relationships and moving on.

This song deals with a relationship that did not work, even though they may have tried mediation and other means to repair the relationship. However, no methods worked, and she feels destroyed by the experience. The truth is, you can try to repair a relationship or situation all you want, even partake in mediation, but sometimes it simply does not work. However, it is a method that often has positive results (benefits of mediation), so it is still worth partaking in the practice.

3. Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor

This song is about being open to resolve conflict. 

In order to avoid any sort of conflict in her relationships resulting in separation or avoidance, she has created a set of conditions and rules, which she lays out in the song to any future lover. In theory, this may seem like an intelligent idea, however strict rules often lead to rebellion. Open discussion is always a wise option in terms of mediation, given that intense rules could lead to restricting yourself from opportunities (also see conflict resolution styles).

4. Love Yourself (Justin Bieber)

This song is about dealing with rejection and moving on.

This song involves a self-obsessed ex-partner that’s causing conflict simply for the attention of the singer. He is trying to avoid any sort of confrontation with this person, however in this song, he addresses it by completely dismissing and distancing himself from said conflict. This song reflects a realistic and aggregable option towards conflict, do not involve yourself.

5. Bloodstream - Ed Sheeran

This song is about internal conflict and empathy.

This song involves a man who has created conflict, resulting in people’s active avoidance. He has done this because of conflicts within himself, and this song is his realization of his mistake, too late for reconciliation. In cases such as these, you would need to keep in mind its never too late to attempt reconciliation, through mediation. If you were one of those whom avoided, it’s about being empathetic and compromising while your friend is going through a tough phase.

6. Suffer In Peace - Tyler Farr

This song is about avoidance.

This is about a man who has compromised to make somebody else happy, but he has simultaneously compromised himself by doing this. Avoidance is a dream for him, he is unhappy and looking back, wishes that he had done something different.  In this case, mediation or taking a step back could be a more realistic option. The point of compromise is to reach a midpoint that makes both parties happy, otherwise what is the point. Collaboration might be even better, where both parties are said to find a win-win solution.

7. Don’t Wanna Fight (Alabama Shakes)

This song is about finding resolution, taking into account all of your needs and interests.

The inspiration behind this song was about the bands earlier struggles, finding a balance between their full-time jobs and their band practices. This is a very real issue in the workplace, finding a balance between hobbies, having a good time and work. If there are issues, you shouldn’t be put out by approaching your employer/manager to discuss your feeling and options (also known as a form of negotiation). You also need to compromise within yourself, enjoying yourself but at the same time being realistic financially.

8. Ghost Town - Adam Lambert

This song is about change and trust.

This song is about the changes happening within society and especially Hollywood. He is trying to fight against the change but feels alone in the struggle. This conflict is not between two people, but between a person and society. Society will change inevitably. The options are either to avoid the situation altogether, remain conflicted or accept the change. Sometimes, trusting that the situation will change is the most difficult. Each of these options have their own advantages and disadvantages. Learn more about conflict escalation and resolution.

9. Secret Love Song (Little Mix)

This song is about honesty and compromise.

The song is about a relationship that is being kept a secret, due to it being looked down upon by society. This song has strong LGBTQIA links, as mentioned by Little Mix themselves. This song is a duet also starring Jason Derulo (in some versions), and as the song gets to the bridge, they are having an argument about whether to be honest or keep the relationship a secret (see our blog, Should I stay or should I go?). In a situation such as this, a compromise seems to have already been reached, with one of the parties unhappy with the arrangement. This song seems to be a crossroads between being open, and the situation turning to one of avoidance instead of romance. Also see our blog on cheating in relationships - advice on adultery, which also deals with secrets.

10. B**** Better Have My Money - Rhianna

This song is about confidence in conflict.

This may seem like an odd choice for some, but this song is the perfect example of somebody who does not compromise, apologize or avoid conflict. This woman believes she is correct and strong and refuses to be told different. This type of personality is not ideal for mediators; however, we have to deal with all personalities and you will run into people of this temperament. The trick is to make the outspoken party feel in control.

Ashton Bult, Mediate to Go Blogger

Ashton Bult is our media blogger, focusing on mediation and conflict resolution and its effects on modern pop culture and vice versa. Leaning towards youth engagement with mediation, he has studied a wide variety of courses at the Auckland University of Technology and the International Travel College. When he isn't on his computer, he'll be performing on stage. 

Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships

Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships 

(How to Have the Shortest Argument ever)

“We always fight over the dumbest little things”

“I don’t even remember how it started”

“My husband blames me for everything”

“My wife blames me for everything that goes wrong”

This blog is about blame in relationships

Mediate to Go - Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships
Blame should not be placed in any of the above baskets. Learn how to end blame and defensiveness.

Introduction to Blame and Defensiveness

Often, conflicts over something very small are then fuelled by blame and defensiveness and blow up into a full-blown argument. The original problem gets lost because we have added so many layers of blame and defensiveness that we are arguing about the way we argue, rather than what actually happened. Why do we feel the need to blame someone else or search for someone to blame?  It’s time to stop pointing the finger of blame, and time to shift blame into something positive. Let’s stop blame!

Definition of Blame

Blame means  “to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.)” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for blame include repudiation, criticism, accusation, attack, charge, chiding, complaint. (Thesaurus.com).

Definition of Defensiveness

Defensiveness is to be “excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for defensiveness include averting, preventive, thwarting, coping with, defending, safeguarding, in opposition (Thesaurus.com).

What you need to know about blame and defensiveness

First, let’s be clear that really small things are not worth talking about at all, and we can learn to have compassion for our partner’s imperfection and let those little things go. This blog about fixing relationships by sorting things into baskets can help you decide if something is worth bringing up.

Once you’ve decided to bring up an issue, how you do it is important. These are bad starters:  “You always…”, “You never…” “I’m sick and tired of…” “Would you just stop…”.  Approaching someone with blame and generalizations or telling them what to do (or not to do) invites defensiveness. When we feel attacked, it’s human instinct to defend ourselves. So, the first step to stopping defensiveness is to not blame.

Steps to address blame and defensiveness.

1.  Try a Preamble to reduce defensiveness:

·      “This is a small thing…”

·      “This is a 1 on the scale…”

·      “I’m not upset with you…”

·      “I don’t need you to do anything differently…”

·      “Please only hear me. You don’t need to respond…”

·      “I know it wasn’t your intention to come across this way…”

2.  Deliver a short explanation of The Issue:  

The goal is to give information about how you respond to something your partner does.  Make the delivery short and sweet.

·      “I was embarrassed when you told that racial joke in front of Emma”

·      “When you keep forgetting to pick up my dry cleaning, I feel like what I want doesn’t matter.”

·      “When you aren’t ready and I want to leave I feel frustrated that I’m made to be late”

·      “When you roll your eyes and speak in that tone, I feel two years old”.

3.  Try to END IT THERE!  

Expect no response. Leave. Give your partner time to absorb it. Get in the habit of ending the delivery right there so defensives can’t creep in.  If they get defensive, try:

·      “I’m not sure you’re hearing me. Remember I don’t need you to feel badly…just to understand.”

4. The Time to EXPLAIN is LATER! 

Often, the urge to defend ourselves is simply us wanting our partner to know that our intent was not to hurt them. BUT there should be at least enough time in between the delivery and the explanation to assure the partner that they are understood. It’s certainly okay to reassure someone you had no ill intent. The problem is that if it happens too soon, it comes across as defensiveness.

Putting a space in between the delivery and the defense can help keep little things from blowing up into big ones.   

About the Author – Ending Blame and Defensiveness

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Further listening – songs about blame.

Check out the Mediate2go Top 10 lists about conflict. One of the songs deals with blame.

Further reading - more quotes on blame.

A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit.

Arnold H. Glasow

Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations.

Tom Brady

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.

John Burroughs

I think it's very important that you make your own decision about what you are. Therefore you're responsible for your actions, so you don't blame other people.

Prince William

Should I stay or should I go? When to Choose Therapy and When to Divorce

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

How do I know if I should be in couples therapy, or on the road to separation, divorce and mediation

Do you wonder if the grass is greener when the waters get rough in your marriage?  It’s normal in any relationship to have those “I don’t like you right now” thoughts (hopefully rephrased if spoken aloud). Conflict is inevitable, and very healthy if it is resolved. But when those thoughts turn into more serious questioning about whether you should stay or go, it’s time to do some serious thinking, because having, and voicing, those thoughts can further threaten a fragile partnership.  

It may be time to stop second-guessing your commitment, and bravely face the question: Should I stay or should I go?  

In part, the answer differs depending on what stage you’re in.

Early stage relationships:  

If, in the first few months to a year of being with someone, your ‘gut’ doesn’t feel right or there is a lot of unhealthy conflict, there is good reason to simply go your separate ways. It probably won’t get much better than that early period where we put our best face forward.

But ending even a short-term relationship can be difficult. We wrap so much of our self-esteem in whether a relationship lasts or not. At this beginning stage, though, it’s important to realize that you’re both looking for a good match. It’s not personal. Just because you initially like someone or have had a good email exchange doesn’t mean you’re a good match. Just because you’re not a good match doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Stop trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and move forward knowing there’s a better match out there for both of you. There would be less divorce if people listened to their early doubts and avoided getting stuck in something that doesn’t feel good right out of the gate.

Established Relationships

You’ve been together for a while, and you realize you’re having thoughts about leaving the relationship. Every situation is unique, but let’s talk generally about good and bad reasons to stay or leave.

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

BAD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Mediation

• (Only) For the kids.   While being a parent might mean putting some extra effort into trying to resolve things before you throw in the towel, it’s never a good idea to stay only for the children.  Children need happy parents who aren’t in constant destructive conflict. I believe that having parents in negative conflict affects children more seriously than divorce or separation.
• (Only) Money.  I get that there are practicalities involved, but know that your community is abundant with options for assistance. 
• Fear of being alone.  If you have been dependent on your partner, a therapist can help you learn to address these fears.  Amazing things can happen when you kick fear out of the picture. Also, be sure to read about destructive relationships and building confidence.
• To buffer the children from the other parent.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek support.  Staying out of fear that your partner will do more harm to the children if you leave is not healthy thinking. 
• You don’t want to hurt your partner (leaving is hard). Sympathy is never a good reason to stay. You both deserve better than that. No, leaving a marriage isn’t easy, but that’s no reason to put off being happy.
• (Only) Because you love them, or they love you.  If that’s the only thing holding you together…if you’re in pain and everything else says it’s not working, then love is just not enough.

GOOD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Mediation

When there is something you fundamentally need that the relationship can’t provide.  Following are some examples of this.

• Disrespect/Abuse. You or your children are being hurt.  Abuse is a recurring pattern of hurtful or controlling behaviours that create a power imbalance. Safety comes first. Read this about unhealthy relationships.
• Addiction.  If you have a partner who is in an addiction and not seeking treatment or taking responsibility.
• Dishonesty and secrecy.  If you don’t know whether you are getting the truth or not, it’s impossible (and perhaps unwise) to try to build trust.
• Infidelity.   While good people can make bad mistakes, and infidelity can be worked through with a therapist’s help, infidelity can also indicate a lack of empathy, or an inability to draw appropriate boundaries of safety around the relationship. 
• You’ve lost the desire to be together and you don’t want it back.  If you or your partner already have one foot out the door, it’s best to recognize it and be honest about it.    

BAD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Therapy

• You’re unhappy.  Are you blaming your relationship for your personal unhappiness or depression? Sometimes our partners and relationships take on an ugly hue when we’re not in our own personal happy place. Try using a therapist to learn healthy thinking patterns, and see how that changes the picture.
• Your relationship doesn’t feel the same as it used to.  Marriages go through stages, and it’s natural for that early passionate intensity to lessen with time. Be your best self, and communicate clearly about what you feel and need.
• You argue a lot. Conflict can be made healthier, and conflict resolution can be taught. Habits can be changed, and patterns can be altered. Clarity about whether to leave or stay can also be assisted by my “basket” theory:  put a relationship problem into a basket in order to determine how to handle them. Read about destructive relationships and unhealthy relationships.
• Your partner has changed (or you have, and they refuse to).  Some people change, and some don’t. Definitely, people change when they want to, not when it suits us. Try seeing a therapist if you both want to better understand and connect with each other through personal change.
• You’ve stopped trying.  Have you stopped feeding your relationship? Are you expecting changes from your partner and ignoring what you can do to improve the situation? Try increasing your own effort (and your empathy) to be loving, and see what happens.
• Your partner doesn’t know what you need.  Are you communicating your unhappiness? Ending a relationship without clearly letting your partner know what you need may be less than fair. Ask for what you need.
• Hurtful things have happened.  People make mistakes, and with effort, empathy, taking responsibility and forgiveness, wrongs can be righted and the past can move farther away. 

GOOD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Therapy

Both parties are ready to use a therapist and work hard to make things better.  In spite of issues X, Y and Z, you both desperately want to be together and are willing to work at it in therapy and make personal changes. I have worked with a lot of couples in the last twenty years, and I can’t guess outcomes. I have been very surprised by couples who have made me wonder why on earth they were together, and then suddenly something shifts and the space is created for a different way of being together. If you both want it to work, and you both have the energy to commit to doing something differently, then ANYTHING is possible.

Ultimately, no one can tell you how long to stay in a relationship that feels uncomfortable.  This is intended only as a guideline to clarify a muddy picture. Remember that if you decide to stay, therapy can assist in building intimacy and communication skills.  If you decide to leave, mediation can be useful when negotiations fall apart.

About the Author: Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.