Benefits of Family Mediation Services

Mediate to Go: Benefits of family mediation services

Benefits of family mediation services

It is well established that family mediation services provide a more flexible, affordable and satisfying process for couples ending their relationship than an adversarial court battle (see amicable divorce). There are also various benefits for children when using family mediation, such as helping them cope. If you have decided to end your relationship with divorce or separation, then mediation is a great process to consider. If you still haven't decided whether you want to choose divorce or to stay together, read the blog about choosing divorce or family therapy.

Flexibility - family mediation services

Shared problem solving in mediation

Mediation is a flexible process “not limited by legal categories or rules, it can help reframe a contentious dispute as a mutual problem.”[1] Mediation, in its most basic form, helps to facilitate communication between parties to change competitive bargaining into problem solving focused negotiation that helps meet the needs of both parties involved.[2] See our blogs on negotiation and mediation vs arbitration to learn more.

Flexible agenda of mediation

The process is also flexible in terms of how the discussions take place, whereby parties have input in the agenda and how the process moves forward. For couples facing separation or divorce, a mediation process can offer a much more flexible way of dealing with the difficulties of ending a relationship. Instead of being stuck with rigid deadlines, a mediator can help you come up with solutions based on your's and their schedule.

Flexible timing of mediation

Divorce is considered a time of crisis for the family unit, so anything that can adapt to the family's time constraints is a good thing. Instead of having to wait for months or possibly years to have a case resolved in court, family mediation can take a matter of hours or days. 

Flexible style of mediation

In addition, family mediators have different styles that may better meet the needs of your particular family. For example, a family mediator might be trained in working with particular cultural or religious group or may speak your mother tongue. Such a mediator could provide a process that is more comfortable and appropriate for the parties based on their broader needs and diversity.

Flexible outcomes in mediation

Family mediation is also flexible in the outcome of the process. Of course, family mediation works within the framework of a country's constitution, laws and regulations. This means that a family mediation agreement must respect the laws of the country in order to protect vulnerable parties, etc. (note: be sure to request independent legal advice from a lawyer in your area/country, even if you chose to use mediation). Family mediation is unique in that the parties have more leeway to design their own outcomes of separation and divorce, but a lawyer will be better placed to help ensure that the agreement meets legal requirements. Instead of relying on the courts to decide your custody arrangements, family mediation allows for a couple to collaboratively decide how they will share custody. 

Affordability - family mediation services

Affordable for parties and the justice system

Mediation is also more affordable for parties and the administration of justice. Parties attending family mediation were increasingly more likely to settle their dispute, compared to those litigating.[3] This is a common benefit to mediation as a process of ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution).

This means that parties participating in family mediation and achieving resolution were no longer burdening the court system with their case. Some governments offer subsidized family mediation to help dissuade parties from a more adversarial approach, emphasizing, for example, the interests of all family members and the reduction of legal costs.[4] Even if parties take advantage of subsidies that provide for a mediator, such as in Quebec, this process might take approximately 6 hours or less, with a court process taking months or possibly years.[5] 

Affordability increases Access to Justice

Mediation has been argued to increase access to justice for parties who cannot afford legal counsel.[6] While mediation is not a replacement of the court process, nor the assistance of a lawyer, the process may allow for the facilitation of parties needs, and reduced need for a lawyer for the entirety of the process. Sometimes, parties use the services of a mediator, and then seek independent legal advice once they have a draft settlement agreement, thus, paying for fewer hours of legal services.

Satisfying - family mediation services

Emotionally and financially satisfying 

Mediation is more satisfying for parties than litigating. Couples dealing with divorce can come to mutually agreeable solutions in relation to all aspects of the divorce; including access and custody arrangements, division of property and assets and more. Part of this more satisfying process means that parties are able to avoid some of the emotional and financial costs of traditional legal processes – fighting in court.[7] See our blog called Don't let fights go bad and building an emotional air conditioner.

Satisfying to parties' needs and interests

In addition, parties’ needs and interests are more likely to be met. In terms of results, mediating custody disputes produces better outcomes for families than adversarial legal battles.[8] In these ways, mediation is a more satisfying process. See our blog on family fights and how to fight fair.

Better for children - family mediation services

A great deal of research discusses the benefits of family mediation for children. Conflict is negative for children, so anything that can reduce the animosity between parents is beneficial for kids. A court process only exacerbates aggressive conflict tactics (see our blog on conflict styles). In addition, through offering creative and flexible solutions for families, family mediation can help parties avoid negative and destructive conflict in the future, by helping them develop effective agreements and teaching skills in conflict resolution. 

Also, read our blog on How to find a good mediator.

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[1] Robert A Baruch Bush and Joseph P Folger, The Promise of Mediation: The Transformative Approach to Conflict (San Francisco, California, Jossey Bass, 2005) at 71.

[2] Bush and Folger, supra note 1 at 72.

[3] Joan B Kelly and Robert E Emery, “Children’s Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives” (2003) 52 Family Relations at 376 citing Emery R (1994) Renegotiating family relationships: divorce, child custody, and mediation (New York: The Guilford Press, 1994).

[4] Justice Quebec. Family mediation - Negotiating a fair agreement, online: <http://www.justice.gouv.qc.ca/english/programmes/mediation/accueil-a.htm>.

[5] Id.

[6] Jessica Pearson (1994) Family mediation. In S Keilitz (ed), A report on current research findings - implications for courts and future research needs (pp 53-75). Washington, DC: State Justice Institute.

[7] Bush and Folger, supra note 1 at 72.

[8] Id.

Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships

Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships 

(How to Have the Shortest Argument ever)

“We always fight over the dumbest little things”

“I don’t even remember how it started”

“My husband blames me for everything”

“My wife blames me for everything that goes wrong”

This blog is about blame in relationships

Mediate to Go - Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships
Blame should not be placed in any of the above baskets. Learn how to end blame and defensiveness.

Introduction to Blame and Defensiveness

Often, conflicts over something very small are then fuelled by blame and defensiveness and blow up into a full-blown argument. The original problem gets lost because we have added so many layers of blame and defensiveness that we are arguing about the way we argue, rather than what actually happened. Why do we feel the need to blame someone else or search for someone to blame?  It’s time to stop pointing the finger of blame, and time to shift blame into something positive. Let’s stop blame!

Definition of Blame

Blame means  “to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.)” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for blame include repudiation, criticism, accusation, attack, charge, chiding, complaint. (Thesaurus.com).

Definition of Defensiveness

Defensiveness is to be “excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for defensiveness include averting, preventive, thwarting, coping with, defending, safeguarding, in opposition (Thesaurus.com).

What you need to know about blame and defensiveness

First, let’s be clear that really small things are not worth talking about at all, and we can learn to have compassion for our partner’s imperfection and let those little things go. This blog about fixing relationships by sorting things into baskets can help you decide if something is worth bringing up.

Once you’ve decided to bring up an issue, how you do it is important. These are bad starters:  “You always…”, “You never…” “I’m sick and tired of…” “Would you just stop…”.  Approaching someone with blame and generalizations or telling them what to do (or not to do) invites defensiveness. When we feel attacked, it’s human instinct to defend ourselves. So, the first step to stopping defensiveness is to not blame.

Steps to address blame and defensiveness.

1.  Try a Preamble to reduce defensiveness:

·      “This is a small thing…”

·      “This is a 1 on the scale…”

·      “I’m not upset with you…”

·      “I don’t need you to do anything differently…”

·      “Please only hear me. You don’t need to respond…”

·      “I know it wasn’t your intention to come across this way…”

2.  Deliver a short explanation of The Issue:  

The goal is to give information about how you respond to something your partner does.  Make the delivery short and sweet.

·      “I was embarrassed when you told that racial joke in front of Emma”

·      “When you keep forgetting to pick up my dry cleaning, I feel like what I want doesn’t matter.”

·      “When you aren’t ready and I want to leave I feel frustrated that I’m made to be late”

·      “When you roll your eyes and speak in that tone, I feel two years old”.

3.  Try to END IT THERE!  

Expect no response. Leave. Give your partner time to absorb it. Get in the habit of ending the delivery right there so defensives can’t creep in.  If they get defensive, try:

·      “I’m not sure you’re hearing me. Remember I don’t need you to feel badly…just to understand.”

4. The Time to EXPLAIN is LATER! 

Often, the urge to defend ourselves is simply us wanting our partner to know that our intent was not to hurt them. BUT there should be at least enough time in between the delivery and the explanation to assure the partner that they are understood. It’s certainly okay to reassure someone you had no ill intent. The problem is that if it happens too soon, it comes across as defensiveness.

Putting a space in between the delivery and the defense can help keep little things from blowing up into big ones.   

About the Author – Ending Blame and Defensiveness

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Further listening – songs about blame.

Check out the Mediate2go Top 10 lists about conflict. One of the songs deals with blame.

Further reading - more quotes on blame.

A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit.

Arnold H. Glasow

Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations.

Tom Brady

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.

John Burroughs

I think it's very important that you make your own decision about what you are. Therefore you're responsible for your actions, so you don't blame other people.

Prince William

Should I stay or should I go? When to Choose Therapy and When to Divorce

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

How do I know if I should be in couples therapy, or on the road to separation, divorce and mediation

Do you wonder if the grass is greener when the waters get rough in your marriage?  It’s normal in any relationship to have those “I don’t like you right now” thoughts (hopefully rephrased if spoken aloud). Conflict is inevitable, and very healthy if it is resolved. But when those thoughts turn into more serious questioning about whether you should stay or go, it’s time to do some serious thinking, because having, and voicing, those thoughts can further threaten a fragile partnership.  

It may be time to stop second-guessing your commitment, and bravely face the question: Should I stay or should I go?  

In part, the answer differs depending on what stage you’re in.

Early stage relationships:  

If, in the first few months to a year of being with someone, your ‘gut’ doesn’t feel right or there is a lot of unhealthy conflict, there is good reason to simply go your separate ways. It probably won’t get much better than that early period where we put our best face forward.

But ending even a short-term relationship can be difficult. We wrap so much of our self-esteem in whether a relationship lasts or not. At this beginning stage, though, it’s important to realize that you’re both looking for a good match. It’s not personal. Just because you initially like someone or have had a good email exchange doesn’t mean you’re a good match. Just because you’re not a good match doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Stop trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and move forward knowing there’s a better match out there for both of you. There would be less divorce if people listened to their early doubts and avoided getting stuck in something that doesn’t feel good right out of the gate.

Established Relationships

You’ve been together for a while, and you realize you’re having thoughts about leaving the relationship. Every situation is unique, but let’s talk generally about good and bad reasons to stay or leave.

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

BAD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Mediation

• (Only) For the kids.   While being a parent might mean putting some extra effort into trying to resolve things before you throw in the towel, it’s never a good idea to stay only for the children.  Children need happy parents who aren’t in constant destructive conflict. I believe that having parents in negative conflict affects children more seriously than divorce or separation.
• (Only) Money.  I get that there are practicalities involved, but know that your community is abundant with options for assistance. 
• Fear of being alone.  If you have been dependent on your partner, a therapist can help you learn to address these fears.  Amazing things can happen when you kick fear out of the picture. Also, be sure to read about destructive relationships and building confidence.
• To buffer the children from the other parent.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek support.  Staying out of fear that your partner will do more harm to the children if you leave is not healthy thinking. 
• You don’t want to hurt your partner (leaving is hard). Sympathy is never a good reason to stay. You both deserve better than that. No, leaving a marriage isn’t easy, but that’s no reason to put off being happy.
• (Only) Because you love them, or they love you.  If that’s the only thing holding you together…if you’re in pain and everything else says it’s not working, then love is just not enough.

GOOD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Mediation

When there is something you fundamentally need that the relationship can’t provide.  Following are some examples of this.

• Disrespect/Abuse. You or your children are being hurt.  Abuse is a recurring pattern of hurtful or controlling behaviours that create a power imbalance. Safety comes first. Read this about unhealthy relationships.
• Addiction.  If you have a partner who is in an addiction and not seeking treatment or taking responsibility.
• Dishonesty and secrecy.  If you don’t know whether you are getting the truth or not, it’s impossible (and perhaps unwise) to try to build trust.
• Infidelity.   While good people can make bad mistakes, and infidelity can be worked through with a therapist’s help, infidelity can also indicate a lack of empathy, or an inability to draw appropriate boundaries of safety around the relationship. 
• You’ve lost the desire to be together and you don’t want it back.  If you or your partner already have one foot out the door, it’s best to recognize it and be honest about it.    

BAD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Therapy

• You’re unhappy.  Are you blaming your relationship for your personal unhappiness or depression? Sometimes our partners and relationships take on an ugly hue when we’re not in our own personal happy place. Try using a therapist to learn healthy thinking patterns, and see how that changes the picture.
• Your relationship doesn’t feel the same as it used to.  Marriages go through stages, and it’s natural for that early passionate intensity to lessen with time. Be your best self, and communicate clearly about what you feel and need.
• You argue a lot. Conflict can be made healthier, and conflict resolution can be taught. Habits can be changed, and patterns can be altered. Clarity about whether to leave or stay can also be assisted by my “basket” theory:  put a relationship problem into a basket in order to determine how to handle them. Read about destructive relationships and unhealthy relationships.
• Your partner has changed (or you have, and they refuse to).  Some people change, and some don’t. Definitely, people change when they want to, not when it suits us. Try seeing a therapist if you both want to better understand and connect with each other through personal change.
• You’ve stopped trying.  Have you stopped feeding your relationship? Are you expecting changes from your partner and ignoring what you can do to improve the situation? Try increasing your own effort (and your empathy) to be loving, and see what happens.
• Your partner doesn’t know what you need.  Are you communicating your unhappiness? Ending a relationship without clearly letting your partner know what you need may be less than fair. Ask for what you need.
• Hurtful things have happened.  People make mistakes, and with effort, empathy, taking responsibility and forgiveness, wrongs can be righted and the past can move farther away. 

GOOD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Therapy

Both parties are ready to use a therapist and work hard to make things better.  In spite of issues X, Y and Z, you both desperately want to be together and are willing to work at it in therapy and make personal changes. I have worked with a lot of couples in the last twenty years, and I can’t guess outcomes. I have been very surprised by couples who have made me wonder why on earth they were together, and then suddenly something shifts and the space is created for a different way of being together. If you both want it to work, and you both have the energy to commit to doing something differently, then ANYTHING is possible.

Ultimately, no one can tell you how long to stay in a relationship that feels uncomfortable.  This is intended only as a guideline to clarify a muddy picture. Remember that if you decide to stay, therapy can assist in building intimacy and communication skills.  If you decide to leave, mediation can be useful when negotiations fall apart.

About the Author: Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.