Showing posts with label bad relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad relationships. Show all posts

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Feeling uncomfortable? Set a boundary!


Mediate2go.com: Feeling Uncomfortable? Set a Boundary!

Feeling uncomfortable? Set a boundary!


“Good fences make good neighbors”-Robert Frost

What is a boundary? Similar to boundaries separating pieces of property, regions and countries, boundaries exist in our interpersonal relationships. Boundaries are emotional and/or physical spaces between you and someone else, or between you and several people at once. Generally speaking, they are learned during childhood through modeling in relationships, and later in life through friendships.



Human relations research has found that tensions, which may be expressed with boundaries, exist in all of our relationships. Dialectical theory “says relational development occurs in conjunction with various tensions that exist in all relationships, particularly connectedness versus autonomy, predictability versus novelty, and openness versus closedness.[i]  This means that all relationships are dynamic, and require a constant balance, whatever that looks like depending on the people involved, the context and community.



Relationship Boundary Types




As relationships change and develop, the levels of these tensions change.[ii]  



New Friendship:


If you meet a new friend, you might need to decide whether you will forego autonomy of doing what you want alone, or investing time with the other person (connectedness).[iii]



Intimate Relationship:


The tensions change within intimate relationships as well, couples might struggle to maintain their individual identity, yet in many ways, uniting their identity with another person.[iv]



Workplace Relationship:


This might happen in the workplace too: say that you are going though something personal in your life, although you might be friendly with colleagues, you might not want to be too open with them in order to protect your privacy, thus choosing closedness versus openness in the situation. This might be the case as well for managers, constantly trying to balance closeness with their team through openness, yet a sense of objectivity and distance in order to effectively make business decisions.



Types of Boundaries and Characteristics:


       Personal: Values, Needs, Feelings, Thoughts, etc.

       Organizational: Values, Org. Culture(s), Roles, Expectations, etc.

       Legal: Laws, Regulations, Court decisions, etc.

       Community: Values, Cultures, Expectations




Boundaries are normal and healthy, but they can lead to discomfort.


When we do not know what the boundaries should be, we might be shocked or uncomfortable when a boundary is expressed by someone else. Maybe someone expresses anger with you after you made a joke in the workplace. Maybe someone felt hurt when you asked to change the parameters of a relationship (say breaking up with a friend or a new boyfriend/girlfriend)? Maybe someone did something that left you feeling uncomfortable, and whether you reacted or not, a boundary needed to be expressed.



Dealing with Discomfort.


When you think of the discomfort caused by boundaries, remember the benefits. First of all, if you feel uncomfortable about asserting a boundary with someone, or someone asserting a boundary with you, the feeling will be temporary.



Boundaries can help us.


Setting boundaries can help us feel a sense of predictability and freedom. It can increase our self-esteem and confidence. We can feel happier and safer in our relationships with others. We learn to develop ourselves personally and professionally through learning to respect our boundaries, and the boundaries of others. We can prevent unnecessary conflict that might lead to uncomfortable tensions. We can also manage conflict through setting boundaries, say we need to move on, and leave a relationship behind us. Sometimes setting a boundary might be the only way to resolve a conflict.



How to set a boundary?


If you feel uncomfortable and think you are in a destructive relationship, be sure to read about it here, and learn about fights gone bad.

Labels: bad-relationships, boundaries, Unhealthy-Relationships,




[i] S Beebe, S Beebe, M Redmond, T Geerinck. Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Fifth Canadian Edition. Toronto: Pearson at page 282.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Ibid.


[iv] Ibid.

Monday, November 24, 2014

How to Control and Manage Anger


How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger


Annoyed, bitter, enraged, exasperated, furious, heated, outraged, resentful, offended, irritated, irate, indignant, sullen, etc. These are just some synonyms for anger. Sometimes, people’s anger turns into revenge, which is even more destructive. Given the negative connotation with many of these words, it is not surprising that many of us have a painful, fearful or uncomfortable association with anger; whether we feel anger in ourselves, or with 
other people. 

Mediate2go: How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger

Anger and our Health



Surprisingly for some, feeling and expressing anger can be completely normal and healthy part of our lives. At the same time, anger must be controlled or we risk our well being and relationships. If anger is left unresolved, people may experience “high blood pressure, heart attack, depression, anxiety, colds, flu and problems with digestion.[i]



With skill, practice, and time, we may reflect on what we feel, why we feel that way and then how to make a decision to manage it (control it) and react accordingly.



Recognizing Anger



In order to effectively address anger, we must first become fully aware of when we start to feel angry. One description of feeling angry: “Your heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your fists.[ii]


Controlled and managed anger can make you feel amazing


Use the anger to feel catharsis, whilst respecting those around you. “Telling people [your frustration] releases that energy rather than trying to submerge it. See our blog on Constructive Confrontation. Anger is a feeling to get over with, not to hang on to.[iii]” Along with this recommendation, be careful when expressing anger as we often underestimate the impact of our anger on others.



Ways to Control and Manage your Anger



Here are three recommendations to effectively control and manage your anger:

  1. Count to 10. This gives you time to calm down and have a clear mind.[iv]
  2. Take deep breaths.[v] Through controlling your physiological response, you can moderate the strength of the emotion.
  3. Express anger skilfully, which is part of positive conflict. Learn about using ‘I feel’ communication. Remember to be very specific about what bothered you. Name the behaviour so the other person does not feel threatened or rejected, but rather capable of changing something specifically to help you feel better in the future.[vi]
  4. Match your face to your feeling. Make sure that your facial expressions match your emotion so the person doesn’t feel confused about your message.[vii]
  5. Lean on me. Try to talk through your frustration in a calm way with the person in your immediate surrounding if it might be appropriate. Rather than yelling at someone, or running away from the situation, rely on the person around you to work through the intense feeling. They can help you calm down through actively listening to you. Learn about the definition of trust and building trust .
  6. Challenge your assumptions. Think about the person and/or situation, and assume that they had the best of intentions, which may help the anger to dissipate.[viii] Say someone has belittled you at work during a team meeting. Try to change your assumptions about the individual’s behaviour. Did they feel insecure or threatened by you? Be sure to read about Self-Leadership in Conflict Resolution. You may choose to take ‘the high road’ and assume the best. How can you think about the situation differently so that you may feel better?
  7. Vent to someone. This is not always ideal, as you are not dealing directly with the issue. However, it might help to express your emotions to someone who will respect your privacy, and is not involved in the situation, in order to release emotional tension. This can help you feel validated; yet avoid a confrontation that may be inappropriate, which means expressing your feelings in a non-accusatory manner. Be sure not to gossip, or if you do, make sure it is positive gossip.


Controlling Anger in the Future

Now that you have addressed your anger in the moment, it’s time to think about how you can improve yourself for the future.

  1. Consult our expert advice on How to Be Confident, in order to improve your reaction, and avoid overreaction in a given situation.
  2. If you are having trouble moving on and letting go of the past, learn about how you can create a positive future for yourself. Being angry forever isn’t worth it. Our blog on finding inner peace is also helpful
  3. Say that you were not the one who was angry, be sure to read about how to fix a relationship and what to talk about.


Labels: bad-relationships, Body-Language, Confrontational, personal-change, How-to-Control-Anger, How-to-Manage-Anger




[ii] Ibid.
[iii] Tjosvold (1991; 134)
[v] Ibid.
[vi] Tjosvold (1991; 133).
[vii] Ibid.
[viii] Ibid. at 136.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Revenge

Revenge is a Dish Best Not Served

Revenge

Introduction to Revenge

I can nearly guarantee that you have felt vengeful at some point in your life.  It is arguably a natural emotional response when we perceive that an injustice has been done to us.  Retribution, justice, or payback are terms sometimes used to disguise or even justify feelings of vengeance and the desire to have a wrongdoer made to suffer for their actions.  There is, of course, a difference between standing up for yourself and being malicious or antagonistic, but it can sometimes be difficult to gauge where to draw the line.  If you feel you’ve been wronged, what is the appropriate course of action?

Recognize the Feeling of Revenge

The desire for revenge is an untrustworthy emotion. As an example, there is evidence that shows that years after the offense, the satisfaction of victims’ feelings of revenge are not typically related to the severity of the punishment of the criminal.  Shortly after the time of conviction, victims were more likely to say that they felt their vengeful feelings were satisfied, but this oscillated more rapidly and was unpredictable between and within individuals. Many people think that seeking vengeance will make them feel better, or bring resolution to their problem.  In fact, it appears that this is not the case, and that unleashing aggression or retribution on someone who has wronged you may have no cathartic effect at all – and in fact it can lead to further feelings of aggression.   One possible explanation for this is that the injustice remains current (for both the offender and the “avenger”), and it detracts from the ability of the offended party to trivialize and move on from the original injustice.   Further, it is unlikely that the original offender will take any vengeful acts lightly.  There is a real danger in perpetuating a cycle of revenge, with potentially destructive costs to all involved.  

 

Consider the Cost of Revenge

In any dispute, it is common to see parties who want revenge.  One main way in which this manifests is in a Pyrrhic Victory, a “win” that is so costly, time-consuming, or relationship-damaging that it is tantamount to defeat.  It is important to watch out for this and to guard against heading down a path that leads to one.  It is unfortunate that sometimes injustices occur.  And no, it is not always the best advice to allow injustices to go unnoticed or ignored.  But it is equally important to remember all of the costs and efforts, including the mental strain and lost peace of mind that can come from a drawn-out dispute, and these tend to be even more pronounced if the relationship is very antagonistic. It is also important to consider these costs in the context of your particular situation.  Whatever injustice you have suffered may feel amplified if the perpetrator was a friend, family member, or any other person in which you held trust.  Take into account the effect that a soured relationship may have on your other relationships, including ones that may not have developed yet! Is it really worth it?
Revenge 

Strategies to Deal with “Revenge”

If you are feeling vengeful, it may be helpful to step back and consider all available options.  Every situation and relationship is different, and it can help to come to terms with the problem if you consider what could occur next. Start by considering what you would ideally like to get out of the situation. Ask yourself the reasons why, and try to imagine what the consequences could be if you got exactly what you are asking for.  Seeking outside help can be very useful in getting to the root of the issue. This could be in the form of a lawyer, a mediator, the police (if the matter is criminal), or even a medical professional. These are especially important if the issue is time-sensitive.  Speaking to someone who may be able to give you advice – even a friend or family member – is a great start.  It may help to simply have your feelings of injustice affirmed or shared.  If possible, you may wish to simply wait and reflect for some time, even if this means not contacting a family member or friend who has hurt you somehow.

It is unfortunate that sometimes, wrongs occur for which there is no apparent remedy, no “next step” that can be a distinct marker of resolution.  Sometimes this marker does not materialize immediately, and sometimes it has little to do with the effort or thought you can put into it. Vengeance, however, is untrustworthy, and a misleading hook on which to hang your dispute resolution strategy.  


Author

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Water Cooler Talk: Gossip in the workplace

Water Cooler Talk: How healthy is gossip in the workplace? Can gossip actually improve the workplace?

Mediate2go.com: Water Cooler Talk: Gossip

You are at work, you walk into the lunchroom, and suddenly everyone goes silent. Maybe you are talking about someone, and you accidentally catch yourself looking or staring at him or her. These are signs that you have either been gossiped about, or that you are gossiping.

Researchers have found that almost everyone gossips. In fact, about 66% of all communication is about us, thus qualifying as gossip[1]. Whether it’s about politics, work, philosophy, emotions, feelings about other people, sex, social status or money, everyone gossips in some way. 10% of gossip is misleading and false information, while around 90% is used as a means of finding the truth[2]. Gossip might be bad, but more it’s more likely to be neutral or even good. Gossip can help us feel a sense of belonging within the team, so in many ways, it might help us adapt within a new workplace (to a degree, read below).

So, what makes gossip good or bad in terms of its impact on us? Well, if you gossip about good things, you are more likely “to be well liked, have higher status, and [to be seen] as possessing good information that others don’t have”[3]. This is a great motivator to gossip about good things. Here is a list of other types of good or neutral gossip.

Good or Neutral Gossip:
  • Is based on empathy. Is focused on good intentions towards others
  • Improves learning opportunities: Help us learn from other’s mistakes and identify bad behaviour
  • Identifies new relationships: Help us identify with whom we want to establish and build relationships[4]
  • Disseminates important information[5]
  • Instructs and motivates good behaviour. For example, gossip can teach us appropriate social behaviour, effectively cuing our interactions with others, and even motivating us to behave in particular ways in order to avoid negative reactions[6].
  • Builds relationships and a sense of community[7]
On the other hand, negative gossip has the following characteristics:
  • Attacks, hurts and/or damages another’s reputation: also known as relational aggression[8], negative gossip might hurt one’s chances at professional development
  • Excludes others: negative gossip often excludes someone from social environments, such as in the context of bullying, harassment and discrimination
  • Reduces productivity[9]
  • Decreases trust:  trust is decreased as a result of the fear that rumours might spread quickly if information is revealed. As a result, people might decide to err on the side of caution and not trust others.
  • Increases conflict: negative gossip might increase conflict due to the formation of in and out groups, reducing collaboration
  • Increases stress: negative gossip might create an unhealthy work environment
Mediate2go.com: Water Cooler Talk: Gossip
It’s easy to see how negative gossip can hurt the bottom line of a business. (see our blog on how to make conflict work for your organization). So, how can we ensure that we are gossiping in a positive or neutral way, and contributing to a positive work environment? Reflect on the following questions[10]”:
  1. Is what I am about to say true and necessary to tell others?
  2. Should I state this to the other person involved directly? Did this other person have a fair chance to respond to the issue at hand?
  3. “How would I feel if someone said something similar about me?”
  4. “How would I feel if I saw my words quoted in the daily paper tomorrow?”
  5. “How am I going to feel later if I say this? (or listen to this)” Would I feel embarrassed about it? Would I feel anxious that my employer might know, as it might put my own career development in jeopardy?
  6. “Does gossiping honour my own personal values?”
  7. Does this type of gossip respect the values of my team and organization? 
“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment” - Dorothy Nevill
We recommend the 3D approach to dealing with gossip in the workplace:
  1. Doubt: Don’t assume the information is correct (if it seems malicious), ask how they came to that finding or realization. Give the target of the gossip the benefit of the doubt.
  2. Deflect: Respond in a way to change the topic of conversation, without making a big deal about it, so as not to alienate the speaker. Beyond this, start to use positive gossip to change the communication dynamics you experience with others. Gossip, even positive gossip, is contagious.
  3. Differentiate: Talk about the difference between positive and negative gossip, and the impact on the target of the conversation, and others around. If you feel uncomfortable about participating in the discussion, state your feelings. If the gossip is about you, feel free to have a constructive conversation with the person.
So, this blog does not discourage all types of gossip. Rather, Mediate to Go recommends that you try to be conscious of the types of gossip that you participate in, their impact and then respond accordingly.

Leave a comment on our blog and let us know what you think! Thank you!





[7] Abercrombie, Nicholas (2004). Sociology: A Short Introduction. Short Introductions. Cambridge: Polity Press.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Why do we stay in destructive relationships? All about unhealthy and bad relationships.

WabiSabi Therapist and Mediate2go.com, Unhealthy Relationships, Bad Relationships

Lynda Martens is the WabiSabiTherapist and a Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read her article about "unhealthy relationships" and "bad relationships". Also see our blogs on Moving on.
I have a theory about this.
In my work, I meet many lovely, smart people who describe themselves as being stuck in a relationship that is hurtful to them in some way.  This has never been a part of my own personal experience and, like many people, I have felt confused about what keeps people in a relationship that is destructive and clearly hurtful to them, and often their children as well.
There are many reason why people stay when they are chronically unhappy.  Often there are practicalities involved.  Financial realities…not having the resources to support yourself…wanting to keep families together for the children…complacency… Sometimes people make threats about doing harm to themselves and others if the relationship ends…or we worry they won’t be okay without us. Often we hope that a person will change, or there are periods of less conflict that encourage people to extend the life of a relationship beyond what is wise or safe.  In spite of hurtful behaviours, no one is all nasty, and there is attachment and love for the person who is hurting us.
And underneath…way way underneath…sometimes this is what’s happening…
Before you read what’s below, I add the caveat that although I use the term “he”, hurtful people are not always male.  Also, many relationships are not clearly made up of hurters and victims…there is lots of grey here.


WabiSabi Therapist and Mediate2go.com, Unhealthy Relationships, Bad Relationships
But this is for the person who stays when they know they are being hurt…I will present this in the form of an internal monologue…
******************************
“It happened again.  Why can’t he just stop?  He says it won’t happen again and then it does.  I should know better.  I’m such an idiot for staying in this.  Why can’t I just leave?  But he loves me…well he says he loves me, but if he loves me then why would he treat me like this?  I know…I know that when I nag at him it makes it worse and I know better than to nag at him about chores …But if he really loved me he would stop.  If I was prettier/skinnier/less of a nag/a better cook… he would stop.  He tells me that anyway…that if I was different, he wouldn’t have to get angry. ”
“The thing is, I knew he was like this when I met him.  I saw the signs right away.  But he was so alone, and his family was so horrible …I wanted to help him.  Okay…I wanted to rescue him.  I thought if I loved him, he would be happier, and he would change.  I think that the right woman can change a man.  When it comes down to it, if I was special enough…lovable enough…he would stop.  And he says he loves me, so maybe he’ll stop.  I can’t give up on him.  I can’t give up, because if I give up and leave, then I would be admitting that I’m not special enough or lovable enough.  I wouldn’t just be giving up on him… I’d be giving up on me and my ability to believe in my own specialness.  Being with him is the only proof that I am lovable.  If I leave, then he might be a better man for someone else, and I couldn’t stand that.”
*******************
But…the reality is that his behaviours have nothing to do with you.  You could be the most perfect, caring, lovable, beautiful person on earth and he would still be who he is.  His behaviours have nothing to do with how absolutely special you are.  His behaviours are only connected to his inability to manage his emotions (and they are also connected to what you will tolerate from him).  The proof that you are worthy of love is to be found in your self-respect and ability to protect yourself physically and emotionally.  Talk to someone.  Talk to someone who truly loves you.
And that’s my theory.  Share this with someone you think is stuck in a destructive relationship.
www.mediate2go.com
Search: #Unhealthy-Relationships, #Bad-Relationships, #abuse, #destructive-relationship, 

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