Why do we stay in destructive relationships? All about unhealthy and bad relationships.

WabiSabi Therapist and Mediate2go.com, Unhealthy Relationships, Bad Relationships

Lynda Martens is the WabiSabiTherapist and a Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read her article about "unhealthy relationships" and "bad relationships". Also see our blogs on Moving on.

I have a theory about this.

In my work, I meet many lovely, smart people who describe themselves as being stuck in a relationship that is hurtful to them in some way.  This has never been a part of my own personal experience and, like many people, I have felt confused about what keeps people in a relationship that is destructive and clearly hurtful to them, and often their children as well.

There are many reason why people stay when they are chronically unhappy.  Often there are practicalities involved.  Financial realities…not having the resources to support yourself…wanting to keep families together for the children…complacency… Sometimes people make threats about doing harm to themselves and others if the relationship ends…or we worry they won’t be okay without us. Often we hope that a person will change, or there are periods of less conflict that encourage people to extend the life of a relationship beyond what is wise or safe.  In spite of hurtful behaviours, no one is all nasty, and there is attachment and love for the person who is hurting us.

And underneath…way way underneath…sometimes this is what’s happening…

Before you read what’s below, I add the caveat that although I use the term “he”, hurtful people are not always male.  Also, many relationships are not clearly made up of hurters and victims…there is lots of grey here.

WabiSabi Therapist and Mediate2go.com, Unhealthy Relationships, Bad Relationships

But this is for the person who stays when they know they are being hurt…I will present this in the form of an internal monologue…

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“It happened again.  Why can’t he just stop?  He says it won’t happen again and then it does.  I should know better.  I’m such an idiot for staying in this.  Why can’t I just leave?  But he loves me…well he says he loves me, but if he loves me then why would he treat me like this?  I know…I know that when I nag at him it makes it worse and I know better than to nag at him about chores …But if he really loved me he would stop.  If I was prettier/skinnier/less of a nag/a better cook… he would stop.  He tells me that anyway…that if I was different, he wouldn’t have to get angry. ”

“The thing is, I knew he was like this when I met him.  I saw the signs right away.  But he was so alone, and his family was so horrible …I wanted to help him.  Okay…I wanted to rescue him.  I thought if I loved him, he would be happier, and he would change.  I think that the right woman can change a man.  When it comes down to it, if I was special enough…lovable enough…he would stop.  And he says he loves me, so maybe he’ll stop.  I can’t give up on him.  I can’t give up, because if I give up and leave, then I would be admitting that I’m not special enough or lovable enough.  I wouldn’t just be giving up on him… I’d be giving up on me and my ability to believe in my own specialness.  Being with him is the only proof that I am lovable.  If I leave, then he might be a better man for someone else, and I couldn’t stand that.”

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But…the reality is that his behaviours have nothing to do with you.  You could be the most perfect, caring, lovable, beautiful person on earth and he would still be who he is.  His behaviours have nothing to do with how absolutely special you are.  His behaviours are only connected to his inability to manage his emotions (and they are also connected to what you will tolerate from him).  The proof that you are worthy of love is to be found in your self-respect and ability to protect yourself physically and emotionally.  Talk to someone.  Talk to someone who truly loves you.

And that’s my theory.  Share this with someone you think is stuck in a destructive relationship.

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Best Mediation Case Manager

Mediate2go.com: Best Mediation Case Manager: Save time, get clients!

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When I first started my mediation practice, I asked myself: "Where can I find prepared contracts and forms for clients to sign during the mediation session?” “Should I avoid emailing clients given that email is not confidential?" "How do I track a client information and where do I store case notes?”, “How do I find clients” and "Is there a better way to manage my practice on the go, without carrying a large briefcase?"

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When I entered my first mediation room with a mishmash of contracts and a notepad, I thought to myself, there must be a better way. We recently launched the Mediate2go.com case management platform to help mediators save time and money while improving their reputation as competent and modern practitioners. Now, I can walk into a mediation room with my mobile phone or tablet, and have everything that I need at my fingertips. See what McGill University said about the Mediate2go.com case management platform in this article about the benefits of using Mediate2go.com.

Mediate2go.com is the easiest and most affordable way of building your mediation practice. Get more clients and modernize your practice with Mediate2go.com Case Manager.

Mediate2go.com will help you manage your new mediation, coaching and arbitration practice from your phone, tablet or laptop computer. Keep your contacts and notes organized, allow clients to sign digital agreements and forms with a touch of a finger and modernize your practice to save time and reduce your carbon footprint. A combination of these features is not available in other case management programs. Now, you can walk into the mediation room with your phone or iPad, and just focus on what matters; helping the parties. 

Mediate2go.com also offers secure messaging, so no more need to rely on email. Keep track of all related case links and evidence with the document upload feature. Mediate2go.com even keeps track of all the files sent and received, automatically putting them in one place. 

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Our latest feature allows you to sign up for the https://www.mediate2go.com Mediate2go.com directory listing, to help clients find you online, develop your social media presence, and also allow clients to request sessions that go directly to your case manager, saving you from long phone calls doing intake.

M2G is confidential, safe and secure, using top of the line encryption technology.

For a free trial, just visit Mediate2go.com, sign up for an account, then click “Upgrade” under the features tab. You can try it for 2 weeks. Also, check out the Mediate2go.com YouTube Channel.

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Let us know if you have questions here support@mediate2go.com. Thanks for reading about us! 

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Definition of Trust

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

No matter the relationship, it is important to know how trust works. Trust is considered the ‘glue’ that maintains relationships. On the one hand, trust is defined as being responsible for someone or something. On the other hand, it requires that having confidence in another person, without requiring evidence of the desired action.

When trust is not present, conflict takes on a destructive path, making the resolution of issues even more challenging.[i] Without trust, “bitter conflict...generates animosity and pain that is not easily forgotten; moreover, the parties no longer believe what the other says, nor believe that the other will follow through on commitments and proposed actions”.[ii] Trust also becomes important when analyzing a situation that might require action within an organization. Also, visit our other post about How to Rebuild Trust.

Trust is based on our psychosocial development, the interactions we have with others and in organizations.[iii] Here are the different levels and relationships of trust:

With Ourselves

At the level of ourselves, trust is “…a belief, expectancy, or feeling deeply rooted in the personality.[iv]” This means that the way we were raised or treated as children impacts how we trust today.

With Others

Beyond ourselves, trust is within relationships. It is defined as the expectations we have of others, the risks involved when depending on them and the situations that affect our relationships together.[v]

Within and Between Organizations

Trust is also based within and between organizations through the expectations we hold about our future interactions.[vi] Say you’ve been treated poorly by a co-worker, you may no longer trust that individual because you are likely to expect the same treatment in the future. 

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Calculus Based Trust - How to build it

Calculus Based Trust is a model of measuring trust based on a calculation of the threats or risks involved if trust is violated or the rewards gained if its maintained.[vii]  So, a way to improve trust within a relationship is to express and share experiences and learn about the other person, as this can confirm what we know about them.[viii] Analysing and building trust is an important step to prevent conflict as well.

However, unlimited trust within organizations is not the ideal. Sometimes distrust can be natural within work relationships. Indeed, “elements of trust and distrust may peacefully coexist, because they are related to different experiences with the other or knowledge of the other in varied contexts”.[ix] While a manager and employee should have basic levels of trust between one another, there should be some boundaries in order for the manager and employee to fulfil their roles and mandates. This is why some people get into complicated issues when they start to date someone at work.

Search: #Calculus-Based-Trust, #conflict-resolution, #definition-of-trust, #trust-in-organizations.

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[i]  Lewicki, R.J. (2006). Trust, Trust Development, and Trust Repair. In Deutsch, M., P.T. Coleman and E.C. Marcus (2006). The Handbook of Conflict Resolution. San Francisco, Jossey-Bass (Lewicki, 2006, 92)

[ii] Ibid. 92.

[iii] Ibid. 92-120.

[iv] Ibid. p. 93

[v] Ibid. p. 93

[vi] Ibid. p. 93

[vii] Ibid. p. 95

[viii] Ibid. p. 92

[ix] Ibid. p. 99

How to be Confident - Build an Emotional Air Conditioner

Mediate2go.com How to be Confident - Build an Emotional Air Conditioner and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Introduction - How to be Confident

“Believe you can and you're halfway there.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

One of my theories about people is that we spend a lot of time trying to avoid certain, specific, core, ouchy emotions (based on Steven Stosny’s ideas about ‘core hurts’)

What is a core hurt?  

Sometimes we’ve spent so much time (usually when we were young) feeling unimportant, or powerless, or unloved, abandoned, rejected, worthless… that it’s like a huge bruise, and very small triggers (things people we’re close to say and do) can lead to an avalanche of this emotion that we have had enough of.  You know when you work out your body really hard, and the next day the cat walks on your legs and you scream in pain?  Like that… Or like Superman feels weak when he’s around only a tiny bit of kryptonite.  We feel overwhelmed by even a bit of this emotion that we can’t tolerate feeling (our personal kryptonite) and we panic, sometimes leading to controlling behaviours (avoiding the emotion) or passivity, depression or self-flagellation (drowning in the emotion).

What’s your kryptonite?  

I think mine might be ‘unimportant’.  This might be why I react internally when my emails are ignored.  Doink…I don’t like that feeling.  I try not to take these things personally (I use my thoughts to cool my jets).  Identifying what it is you can’t stand feeling is an important step.

Let’s say your kryptonite is powerlessness…

Everyone needs to feel powerful…not power over others, but the power to determine our lives and feel like we can make things better for ourselves and our loved ones.  If you can’t stand feeling powerless (maybe because your power has been taken away from you at some point), your triggers may be these… when something or someone gets in your way…when something doesn’t go your way…when you feel trapped…and you might react by trying to change the thing that’s in your way (someone else), except this doesn’t really work.

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A few examples to build confidence…

• Joe comes home feeling stressed from work and sees a shoe by the door.  He blows up, screaming about how many times he’s told the kids to put their shoes away.
• Sandy is driving and traffic is slow due to construction.  She over-boils knowing that she’ll be late for a meeting.
• Jean is in a crowded meeting and suddenly feels the urge to run.  She feels a panic attack coming on.

All these people are being triggered and will benefit from an internal air conditioner.

1. Building an Air Conditioner… When you are triggered, an air conditioner is made up of four things:
2. Learning to tolerate the emotion. Recognize what it is you’re feeling, and remind yourself that it’s JUST a feeling…it won’t kill you.
3. Compassion. If you can accept that you are not perfect and still love yourself…if you can accept that other people have flaws and you can like them…then you can relax a bit.
4. Self-esteem. If you know and believe strongly in your worth, your power, your importance, your lovability, then you will feel less vulnerable to being triggered.
5. Empathy. If you recognize how your behaviours affect your loved ones…this can help you make different choices.

All this is really about building emotional intelligence and coping skills to deal with emotions.  Try using a qualified therapist to help you establish and practise new ways of thinking about and dealing with emotions. Also, see our blog; songs about conflict, how to fix relationships and how to take self-leadership.

About the Author -  How to be Confident

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends "how to be confident" and all about confidence.

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Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends to deal with family fights, from a problem solving perspective.

I have often thought of making this into a flow chart…think of it as such.  The process starts with the question… “Whose problem is this?”  at the top of the page.  If it is something that has you upset, it’s your problem.  If your partner is upset about something, it’s their problem, and if both of you are upset, then it’s shared.  The important part of starting with this question is that everything that happens after this…your role in the process…depends on whose problem it is.  Many problems are made worse when we forget this simple step and act as though the problem is ours when it’s not.

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Step 1:  The person with the problem will need to determine the size of the problem, in order to determine whether it is something that needs discussing.  Try to put problems into a basket!!!

Step 2: for the person without the problem:  If the problem is your partner’s…all you really have to do is listen openly so that you can understand.  Make this your only goal to start.  Put away the defending and the “yes…buts’”.  Don’t say a word until you believe that you understand and calmly restate what their concern is.  You can ask questions if you don’t get it.  An example… Person A says “When you say you’re going to take out the garbage and you don’t…I get frustrated with how it builds up. It smells bad.”  Listen, then maybe ask “Do you mean that you expect me to do it every week or that you want to know whether I realistically have time, and if I don’t…I should say so?”  And so on until it is understood.  The listener can remember that there is no expectation that miracles will happen…the speaker just wants to be heard most of the time.  Nothing needs to be fixed necessarily…just heard.

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Step 3: for the person with the problem:  Okay, back to the first question…if the problem is yours, and you have determined that it is in basket B… State the problem calmly, without accusatory tones or words (avoid words like “fault… never…always…blame”).  Avoid swearing, yelling, name calling, put-downs (you won’t… and shouldn’t .. get heard if you do this).  Try a formula of “When you ____, I feel ___ because ____.”  

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Remember that no one causes your emotions.  The problem is a problem because your personal reaction defines it as such… someone different may be more tolerant of certain behaviours.    Simply state the problem.  You don’t need to drive it into the ground.  They heard you and your words have more power if they are simple and clear.  If there is something specific you expect them to do that is serious (think basket C) you can make clear strong statements about your expectations…but no threats.  But remember, you can’t make them do anything, so focus on your clear and respectful delivery, and not your expectations.  Any time your goal is about getting someone else to do something differently, you’re in for trouble.

Step 4:  If the Problem is Shared:  This is the tricky part.  You both are upset and both trying to be heard.  Often times, a problem starts out as one person’s and becomes shared and more complex when the expression of the problem becomes part of the problem (“Sure I forgot the garbage again, but did you have to overreact like that and dump it all over the yard?”)  If you have followed the steps above, fewer things will fit into this category.  But if you’re already there…it’s a process of taking turns speaking and listening.  Think of it as two separate problems and treat it as such, using the process above.  Put yourself back in that sandbox and remember to share the time and take turns listening… if you want to be heard, you have to listen too.

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Some general DON’TS:  

• Don’t tell your partner what to do.  Commands are not respectful.  
• Don’t attack.  
• Don’t roll your eyes or get sarcastic (Oh…okay well I’ll do the garbage every freakin day then…how’s that?”)  
• Don’t bring up the last twenty times they did the same thing, or the time they insulted your mother and you’ll never forget it…it’s called ‘kitchen sinking’ to bring up past problems.  
• Keep it to the present situation.  
• Don’t tell all your friends about the issues in your marriage.  
• Don’t bring things up when you’re about to sleep and it’s dark.

Some general DO’S:  

• Do find out when it’s a good time to discuss a problem.  
• Do keep it brief.  No long lectures.  
• Do scale the problem first…”this is a 2 out of 10, so it’s not a biggie…” This helps shrink a problem before you even talk about it.  
• Do take a time-out if you feel you’re going to explode (time outs are not about ditching the issue though…state where you will be and how long it will be before you will be ready to discuss it.  
• Do address very small items in front of the kids so they can see you resolving it, but save the biggies for private talks.

Know your partner and yourself and what you both need.  Talk about your conflict resolution process and what things work and don’t for both of you.  Check out blogs and websites about "fighting fair", "family fights" and "fighting families", like this one.  And do consider consulting with a therapist if the pattern is stuck and your wheels are spinning.

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Peer Mediation in Schools

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Today, we are told that lawyers need to shift and expand their roles from warriors to conflict resolvers. In fact, conflict resolution skills are not only necessary for lawyers, but they are needed as part of our basic tool box as social human beings. Conflicts are part of our daily life, whether it be at work, in our families, our institutions, our social circles, or at school. So why not learn those skills from an early age? One interesting way to do this is through peer mediation programs in schools.

Start your own peer mediation program with Mediate2go.com. It only takes minutes to get your customized directory page listed, and case management system in place. With a bit of training, you can help improve community and school relations with peer mediation.

Mediate2go.com: Peer Mediation in Schools

Programs for peer mediation in schools started appearing in the United States in the 1970s and are now quite widespread. In Canada, several programs exist as well by now. One notable example is the project by Institut Pacifique in Quebec. This community-based organization offers schools with a turnkey program, which includes materials, guides and initial training for teachers and follow-up support in order to implement their program, called Vers le Pacifique. The program is aimed at preschool and primary school levels, and it consists of two steps. Before implementing the peer-mediation program per say, the first step requires the school to offer conflict resolution workshops to the whole student body, in order to educate and develop the awareness of all students to peaceful methods of conflict resolution. Those workshops are given over a full school year. During the second year of the program, the peer-mediation program is implemented. Students from grades four to six are chosen according to a well-crafted process to be trained as mediators, and they rotate to act as mediators in the school yard for minor conflicts between their peers.

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This program by Institut Pacifique was the object of longitudinal studies by professors at the University of Montreal. Those studies found that after two years of implementation, the students exposed to the program developed improved sociocognitive abilities such as managing emotions, identifying the causes of a conflict and proposing solutions. After three years of implementation, a significant decrease in aggressive behaviour on the part of students was observed. Constant efforts to promote and support the program are needed, however, for the impacts to last through time.

It is important to note that these programs do not just aim to teach skills and techniques; they help build a positive vision of conflicts. Children learn to use dialogue as an alternative to aggressive behaviour or passivity in the face of disputes, and they also experience the positive impacts that can come from this dialogue and collaboration. Accepting conflicts as part of the human experience and harnessing them in a constructive way is a challenge that we must all step up to.

Did you experience peer mediation in your school growing up? Does your children’s school offer such program? If not, why not look into which local organisation could offer it in your area?

Start your own peer mediation program with Mediate2go.com. It only takes minutes to get your customized directory page listed, and case management system in place. With a bit of training, you can help improve community and school relations with peer mediation.

Note: A review of school mediation programs in Québec was published as part of a collection of articles on the intersection of mediation and youth published in Europe. Full reference: « La médiation en milieu scolaire au Québec : un portrait », dans Médiation et Jeunesse, Mineurs et médiations familiales, scolaires et pénales en pays francophones, sous la direction de Jean Mirimanoff, Belgique, Larcier, 2013.

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Other references:

• Roots of Empathy
• Western Justice Center
• Osgoode Mediation Center
• Mediation at McGill

Mediate2go.com Contributor:

Léa Préfontaine holds a bachelor in civil law and common law from McGill University. Prior to her legal studies, she also completed a bachelor in business and a masters in economics. She will be an articling student at the Protecteur du citoyen (Québec Ombudsman) starting in June 2014. Léa is passionnate about dispute resolution and access to justice.

Search: #Peer-Mediation-in-Schools, #starting-a-peer-mediation-program, #mediation-clinic, #community-mediation, #kids-conflict-resolution, #peer-mediation-and-conflict-resolution, #peer-mediators, #peer-mediators-FAQ, #fights-at-school, #community-mediation-case-management

Moving on - Letting go of the past

Mediate2go.com: Moving on, Letting go of the past. WabiSabitherapist.com

Lynda Martens, WabiSabi Therapist is a Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends how to "move on". From the Mediate2go.com perspective, you might have been asked to attend mediation. This article is worth a read to help you gain perspective before the session. In addition, it might be useful after the session.

We sometimes get stuck in angst or resentment about something painful that happened in the past.   It could be anything from an argument with a sibling or a betrayal of trust, to a lost love or the death of a loved one.  Fixating on the past keeps us from fully living in the present…and it doesn’t change the past. We also don't feel a sense of inner peace.

Although you can’t change what happened, you can change the way you think about it and the amount of energy you devote to it.  You can learn to move forward.

Here are a number of questions that might assist you in moving past whatever it is that happened…

Mediate2go.com: Moving on, Letting go of the past. WabiSabitherapist.com

• Are you avoiding an emotion?  Sometimes we fear that the intensity of an emotion (like feeling abandoned, shameful, unimportant or powerless) will devour us or incapacitate us, so the stuckness helps us avoid that feeling.  Can you be brave enough to feel the pain/loss/shame of what happened and move through it?  Is it possible that letting yourself feel the emotion will be less devastating than you fear?
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• Are you stuck asking yourself ”why?”…  Sometimes things happen that make no sense to us and we spend years trying to figure it out.  “Why” questions are not easily answered…so they’re generally useless.   Ask yourself whether you need to know why in order to move on.  Is it possible to accept that you will never know why?  Can you accept the powerlessness of not having your questions answered?  Is not knowing why reason enough to keep you from moving forward?  Ultimately, you decide your own WHY…you get to come to whatever conclusion you want.  Try to come to a conclusion that isn’t harmful to you!!

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• Do you blame yourself for what happened?  Sometimes when bad things happen we think it’s our “fault”, and our stuckness is about not feeling deserving of moving on to a happier place.  Can you have compassion for your imperfection and any mistakes or decisions you made?  Can you let others take responsibility for their own decisions and part in the situation?  Does punishing yourself make anything better for anyone?

• The fear of something recurring can keep us from getting past events that were hurtful.  When someone does something that hurts us, we do deserve to have it made better, if we are in a relationship with them.  We can’t make that happen, but we can ask for what we need from them.  Avoid constantly bringing up the mistake or the hurt…this  can actually erode any trust that is attempting to be rebuilt.  For example…your loved one breaches a trust and you fear that it will happen again.  You are unsure if you can trust them again.  There is no answer to that question “can I trust them?”.  Trust is a decision…an act…a verb.  You either choose to trust them or not.   So, while the past should inform us about what someone is capable of, if you want a relationship to work, it is necessary to forgive and move on if we want that person in our lives. Also, see the blog about What to talk about in a relationship.
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• Did something happen that you continually replay in your head?   Did you suffer a trauma and are having flashbacks or body memories?  This situation can be assisted by a qualified therapist.  Memories are important and should be honoured and listened to for what they have to teach us, but a therapist can help you work with the memory to add elements of control and healing.
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• Forgiveness.  Sometimes we stay stuck because we can’t ‘forgive’.  Do you think that forgiveness is about saying something someone did is “okay”? It doesn’t have to be…we can choose to view forgiveness as a decision not to “let someone off the hook”, but to simply stop carrying around all the hurt and resentment.  Forgiveness is about deciding that carrying around the hurt doesn’t help; it’s about accepting that we cannot alter what happened. Visit mediate2go.com to learn how to initiate a conversation about forgiveness with a loved one.
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• Sometimes we get stuck in the past because we keep recreating it.  We can’t get past someone’s  hurtful behaviours because they are still happening… that person is still in our lives.  When they happen again, we feel flooded with all the old emotion about the hundreds of times we felt that way.  If we can’t get past something (like disrespect) because it keeps happening, then the question becomes what are we still doing in that relationship?  We can’t always have emancipation from family members, and here we can only accept people for the flawed being they are if they ignore our please for change.  But most of the people in our lives are there because we let them be…we choose who to surround ourselves with.  If someone cannot respect you, how can you at least respect yourself?

Visit mediate2go.com to learn how to initiate a conversation about moving on with a loved one. Also, visit Lynda Martens, WabiSabi Therapist to ask for services and read her blog.

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