Mediate to Go Blog

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Constructive Confrontation

Is there such thing as a confrontation that is constructive?

Confrontation is where hidden conflict comes to the surface. It’s where needs can transform into satisfaction. Where values can find recognition and interests satisfaction. That is if the conflict is addressed constructively. This doesn’t presuppose that all conflicts are fully resolvable, or that things won't get worse before they get better. However, we think it's worth a shot to try to make things better.

If confrontation is not handled properly, it might maintain the status quo, or make things worse. This is known as destructive conflict escalation, which can make it even more challenging to resolve conflict: when “…people get caught in an increasing cycle of [conflict] escalation, distrust, and misunderstanding [become] so severe that a one-stop, settlement-oriented approach to dispute resolution provides only a Band-Aid over a gaping wound.[ii]” Through confronting someone in a respectful manner, you are more likely to avoid this negative conflict escalation cycle.

Mediate2go.com recommends trying to have a constructive conversation to make things better. Don't forget to read about the Definition of Trust, Building Trust, and How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict.

What is Constructive Confrontation?

Constructive confrontation is a method of thinking about confrontation based on the way many mediators look at conflict. This approach aims not to help individuals resolve conflict, but rather help them focus on the processes to help them better confront or speak to someone.[i] When we say confront, we really mean discuss.

Confrontation doesn’t mean yelling at someone or telling them what to do. It means bringing forth an issue to someone in a respectful way, while respecting your needs. This theory assumes that some conflicts may be so complex that total resolution may not be possible. Furthermore, the model assumes that confrontations amongst individuals and groups over challenging issues will inevitably take place, but the destructive way in which they face them will not.[iii]

Key Principles

What are the key principles in making confrontation constructive?

Focus on the Process

According to this model, it may be a noble goal to resolve a conflict, but that shouldn’t be the focus, especially when conflicts are destructive. Rather, people must focus on “building constructive relationships and the making of fair and wise decisions over both the short and long term.[iv]”

Focus on building a relationship

Confrontation doesn’t mean pushing only for what you want, but rather focusing on your relationship with the other person and looking for fair and equitable solutions that would benefit both of you equally. The notion of equality is very important to constructive confrontation. Parties must focus beyond selfish desires to those of the greater good, or ‘community values’.[v] In the case of conflict in an organization, the focus can still be on the greater good of the team and organization.

This brings us back to the ultimate goal of Constructive Confrontation, which is to transform relationships, “[allow]ing individuals, organizations, and society as a whole to realize the benefits of conflict[…] help[ing] people, organizations, and societies to learn, grow and change.[vi]” With these key principles in mind, we now have a framework to approach confrontation in a constructive way.

Having a 'Critical Conversation' to deal with Core Conflict Problems

Here are some practical suggestions that will help you prepare for a confrontation with someone you supervise.

A. ‘Preparation:’

Reflect on your goal for the conversation and ensure that you focus on a supportive tone rather than criticizing one.
What assumptions do you make about the person? Do they know about the situation that bothers you? They might not be aware of it.
What exactly is hitting your nerves? Does the situation reflect a past experience and are you being too emotional?
Think of some good ways to start the conversation, so it is launched from this positive approach. Some recommendations from www.judyringer.com include: “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.” I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.” "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
"I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this."
"I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well."
Timing is everything, as well as the location. Choose a neutral and private location for your discussion together and be sure that both of you have enough time to have a deep discussion. Also, make sure that both of you are calm (to calm down, it takes between 20 and 60 minutes).

B. Confrontation and ‘Inquiry:’

Confrontation doesn’t mean being aggressive. In fact, the best way of doing so is through being a good listener.
Be curious and keep asking questions. Do not interrupt. It is their time to speak. The key that you don’t become defensive.

C. ‘Acknowledgement:’

Show that you’ve listened and ‘heard’ them. A good way of achieving this is by playing ‘devil’s advocate’ against yourself.

D. ‘Advocacy’ of your perspective:

Once they stop speaking and you’ve allowed them to fully express themselves, clarify your position, but do not belittle or lessen the importance of their perspective. This means stating things such as, “From my perspective, I saw the situation like this…”. Do not say “but I…”

E. ‘Problem Solving:’

See them as someone you are working with and not against and start thinking of ways of working out the situation. If you begin to argue again, them go back to Confrontation and Inquiry once again. Even ask them how we can find a better way of working together.

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Author

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

[i] Burgess, H. and Burgess, G. (1996), Constructive confrontation: A transformative approach to intractable conflicts. Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 13: 305–322. doi: 10.1002/crq.3900130407.

[ii] Ibid. 306

[iii] Ibid. 307

[iv] Ibid. 318

[v] Ibid. 320

[vi] Ibid. 321

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Conflict is good for business. Conflict resolution and innovation go hand-in-hand.

Conflict is a good for business. Conflict can be transformed to help you meet business objectives.

Mediate2go.com: Conflict is good for business - Innovation and Change

Studies reveal that conflict has major impacts on organizations, employees and managers. (CPP Global Human Capital Report) Here are some examples, which also explain why individuals and organizations generally view conflict as a bad thing, something that should be avoided.

Costs to Organizations:

Employees spend an average of 2-3 hours per week dealing with conflict
Conflict leads to High Turnover and Lower Recruitment,
Project Failure,
Cross-Departmental Problems and
Tarnished Public Image

Costs to Individuals:

Stress,
De-motivation,
Anger and Frustration,
Nervousness,
Sleeplessness,
Sickness,
Damaged Reputation,
Leading to Absence,
Termination and
Resignation.

Sadly, most organizations avoid conflict in the hope that it will go away on its own, or employees will deal with it themselves. This is likely to worsen the situation and lead to conflict escalation. Furthermore, it denies the possibility that conflict can be used to improve organizational output.

Conflict, if managed effectively, can actually improve a business or organization. Here are some results: (See CPP Global Human Capital Report)

Mediate2go.com: Conflict is good for business - Innovation and Change

Better understanding of others (41%)
Improved working relationships (33%)
Better solutions to problems and challenges (29%)
Higher performance in the team (21%)
Increased Motivation (18%)
Major Innovation (9%)

As we can see, managing conflict can actually improve your working context and company overall. It might even give you an edge over the competition. Considering that teams can better understand one another, they will be more likely to communicate effectively during meetings, and therefore more capable to exchange information. Relationships are improved, so individuals will more freely share their innovative ideas and express themselves, all of which is data that is vital to effectively meeting organizational goals.

Through improved communication, problems and challenges can be more easily managed, some of which might lead to expensive results if not handled otherwise. Teams perform more effectively, and teams are motivated, so leadership can delegate more work to the team and focus on other more strategic tasks. Major innovation also results through effective conflict management, which makes sense given that employees and managers feel a sense of loyalty to an organization that helps them effectively manage their conflict.

See our blog on building an internal conflict resolution system or strategy.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Water Cooler Talk: Gossip in the workplace

Water Cooler Talk: How healthy is gossip in the workplace? Can gossip actually improve the workplace?

Mediate2go.com: Water Cooler Talk: Gossip

You are at work, you walk into the lunchroom, and suddenly everyone goes silent. Maybe you are talking about someone, and you accidentally catch yourself looking or staring at him or her. These are signs that you have either been gossiped about, or that you are gossiping.

Researchers have found that almost everyone gossips. In fact, about 66% of all communication is about us, thus qualifying as gossip[1]. Whether it’s about politics, work, philosophy, emotions, feelings about other people, sex, social status or money, everyone gossips in some way. 10% of gossip is misleading and false information, while around 90% is used as a means of finding the truth[2]. Gossip might be bad, but more it’s more likely to be neutral or even good. Gossip can help us feel a sense of belonging within the team, so in many ways, it might help us adapt within a new workplace (to a degree, read below).

So, what makes gossip good or bad in terms of its impact on us? Well, if you gossip about good things, you are more likely “to be well liked, have higher status, and [to be seen] as possessing good information that others don’t have”[3]. This is a great motivator to gossip about good things. Here is a list of other types of good or neutral gossip.

Good or Neutral Gossip:

Is based on empathy. Is focused on good intentions towards others
Improves learning opportunities: Help us learn from other’s mistakes and identify bad behaviour
Identifies new relationships: Help us identify with whom we want to establish and build relationships[4]
Disseminates important information[5]
Instructs and motivates good behaviour. For example, gossip can teach us appropriate social behaviour, effectively cuing our interactions with others, and even motivating us to behave in particular ways in order to avoid negative reactions[6].
Builds relationships and a sense of community[7]

On the other hand, negative gossip has the following characteristics:

Attacks, hurts and/or damages another’s reputation: also known as relational aggression[8], negative gossip might hurt one’s chances at professional development
Excludes others: negative gossip often excludes someone from social environments, such as in the context of bullying, harassment and discrimination
Reduces productivity[9]
Decreases trust: trust is decreased as a result of the fear that rumours might spread quickly if information is revealed. As a result, people might decide to err on the side of caution and not trust others.
Increases conflict: negative gossip might increase conflict due to the formation of in and out groups, reducing collaboration
Increases stress: negative gossip might create an unhealthy work environment

Mediate2go.com: Water Cooler Talk: Gossip

It’s easy to see how negative gossip can hurt the bottom line of a business. (see our blog on how to make conflict work for your organization). So, how can we ensure that we are gossiping in a positive or neutral way, and contributing to a positive work environment? Reflect on the following questions[10]”:

Is what I am about to say true and necessary to tell others?
Should I state this to the other person involved directly? Did this other person have a fair chance to respond to the issue at hand?
“How would I feel if someone said something similar about me?”
“How would I feel if I saw my words quoted in the daily paper tomorrow?”
“How am I going to feel later if I say this? (or listen to this)” Would I feel embarrassed about it? Would I feel anxious that my employer might know, as it might put my own career development in jeopardy?
“Does gossiping honour my own personal values?”
Does this type of gossip respect the values of my team and organization?

“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment” - Dorothy Nevill

We recommend the 3D approach to dealing with gossip in the workplace:

Doubt: Don’t assume the information is correct (if it seems malicious), ask how they came to that finding or realization. Give the target of the gossip the benefit of the doubt.
Deflect: Respond in a way to change the topic of conversation, without making a big deal about it, so as not to alienate the speaker. Beyond this, start to use positive gossip to change the communication dynamics you experience with others. Gossip, even positive gossip, is contagious.
Differentiate: Talk about the difference between positive and negative gossip, and the impact on the target of the conversation, and others around. If you feel uncomfortable about participating in the discussion, state your feelings. If the gossip is about you, feel free to have a constructive conversation with the person.

So, this blog does not discourage all types of gossip. Rather, Mediate to Go recommends that you try to be conscious of the types of gossip that you participate in, their impact and then respond accordingly.

Leave a comment on our blog and let us know what you think! Thank you!