Should I stay or should I go? When to Choose Therapy and When to Divorce

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

How do I know if I should be in couples therapy, or on the road to separation, divorce and mediation

Do you wonder if the grass is greener when the waters get rough in your marriage?  It’s normal in any relationship to have those “I don’t like you right now” thoughts (hopefully rephrased if spoken aloud). Conflict is inevitable, and very healthy if it is resolved. But when those thoughts turn into more serious questioning about whether you should stay or go, it’s time to do some serious thinking, because having, and voicing, those thoughts can further threaten a fragile partnership.  

It may be time to stop second-guessing your commitment, and bravely face the question: Should I stay or should I go?  

In part, the answer differs depending on what stage you’re in.

Early stage relationships:  

If, in the first few months to a year of being with someone, your ‘gut’ doesn’t feel right or there is a lot of unhealthy conflict, there is good reason to simply go your separate ways. It probably won’t get much better than that early period where we put our best face forward.

But ending even a short-term relationship can be difficult. We wrap so much of our self-esteem in whether a relationship lasts or not. At this beginning stage, though, it’s important to realize that you’re both looking for a good match. It’s not personal. Just because you initially like someone or have had a good email exchange doesn’t mean you’re a good match. Just because you’re not a good match doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Stop trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and move forward knowing there’s a better match out there for both of you. There would be less divorce if people listened to their early doubts and avoided getting stuck in something that doesn’t feel good right out of the gate.

Established Relationships

You’ve been together for a while, and you realize you’re having thoughts about leaving the relationship. Every situation is unique, but let’s talk generally about good and bad reasons to stay or leave.

Mediate2go: When to Choose Therapy, When to Divorce (Family Mediation)

BAD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Mediation

• (Only) For the kids.   While being a parent might mean putting some extra effort into trying to resolve things before you throw in the towel, it’s never a good idea to stay only for the children.  Children need happy parents who aren’t in constant destructive conflict. I believe that having parents in negative conflict affects children more seriously than divorce or separation.
• (Only) Money.  I get that there are practicalities involved, but know that your community is abundant with options for assistance. 
• Fear of being alone.  If you have been dependent on your partner, a therapist can help you learn to address these fears.  Amazing things can happen when you kick fear out of the picture. Also, be sure to read about destructive relationships and building confidence.
• To buffer the children from the other parent.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek support.  Staying out of fear that your partner will do more harm to the children if you leave is not healthy thinking. 
• You don’t want to hurt your partner (leaving is hard). Sympathy is never a good reason to stay. You both deserve better than that. No, leaving a marriage isn’t easy, but that’s no reason to put off being happy.
• (Only) Because you love them, or they love you.  If that’s the only thing holding you together…if you’re in pain and everything else says it’s not working, then love is just not enough.

GOOD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Mediation

When there is something you fundamentally need that the relationship can’t provide.  Following are some examples of this.

• Disrespect/Abuse. You or your children are being hurt.  Abuse is a recurring pattern of hurtful or controlling behaviours that create a power imbalance. Safety comes first. Read this about unhealthy relationships.
• Addiction.  If you have a partner who is in an addiction and not seeking treatment or taking responsibility.
• Dishonesty and secrecy.  If you don’t know whether you are getting the truth or not, it’s impossible (and perhaps unwise) to try to build trust.
• Infidelity.   While good people can make bad mistakes, and infidelity can be worked through with a therapist’s help, infidelity can also indicate a lack of empathy, or an inability to draw appropriate boundaries of safety around the relationship. 
• You’ve lost the desire to be together and you don’t want it back.  If you or your partner already have one foot out the door, it’s best to recognize it and be honest about it.    

BAD REASONS TO LEAVE - Choose Therapy

• You’re unhappy.  Are you blaming your relationship for your personal unhappiness or depression? Sometimes our partners and relationships take on an ugly hue when we’re not in our own personal happy place. Try using a therapist to learn healthy thinking patterns, and see how that changes the picture.
• Your relationship doesn’t feel the same as it used to.  Marriages go through stages, and it’s natural for that early passionate intensity to lessen with time. Be your best self, and communicate clearly about what you feel and need.
• You argue a lot. Conflict can be made healthier, and conflict resolution can be taught. Habits can be changed, and patterns can be altered. Clarity about whether to leave or stay can also be assisted by my “basket” theory:  put a relationship problem into a basket in order to determine how to handle them. Read about destructive relationships and unhealthy relationships.
• Your partner has changed (or you have, and they refuse to).  Some people change, and some don’t. Definitely, people change when they want to, not when it suits us. Try seeing a therapist if you both want to better understand and connect with each other through personal change.
• You’ve stopped trying.  Have you stopped feeding your relationship? Are you expecting changes from your partner and ignoring what you can do to improve the situation? Try increasing your own effort (and your empathy) to be loving, and see what happens.
• Your partner doesn’t know what you need.  Are you communicating your unhappiness? Ending a relationship without clearly letting your partner know what you need may be less than fair. Ask for what you need.
• Hurtful things have happened.  People make mistakes, and with effort, empathy, taking responsibility and forgiveness, wrongs can be righted and the past can move farther away. 

GOOD REASONS TO STAY - Choose Therapy

Both parties are ready to use a therapist and work hard to make things better.  In spite of issues X, Y and Z, you both desperately want to be together and are willing to work at it in therapy and make personal changes. I have worked with a lot of couples in the last twenty years, and I can’t guess outcomes. I have been very surprised by couples who have made me wonder why on earth they were together, and then suddenly something shifts and the space is created for a different way of being together. If you both want it to work, and you both have the energy to commit to doing something differently, then ANYTHING is possible.

Ultimately, no one can tell you how long to stay in a relationship that feels uncomfortable.  This is intended only as a guideline to clarify a muddy picture. Remember that if you decide to stay, therapy can assist in building intimacy and communication skills.  If you decide to leave, mediation can be useful when negotiations fall apart.

About the Author: Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Feeling uncomfortable? Set a boundary!

Mediate2go.com: Feeling Uncomfortable? Set a Boundary!

Feeling uncomfortable? Set a boundary!

“Good fences make good neighbors”-Robert Frost

What is a boundary? Similar to boundaries separating pieces of property, regions and countries, boundaries exist in our interpersonal relationships. Boundaries are emotional and/or physical spaces between you and someone else, or between you and several people at once. Generally speaking, they are learned during childhood through modeling in relationships, and later in life through friendships.

Human relations research has found that tensions, which may be expressed with boundaries, exist in all of our relationships. Dialectical theory “says relational development occurs in conjunction with various tensions that exist in all relationships, particularly connectedness versus autonomy, predictability versus novelty, and openness versus closedness.[i]”  This means that all relationships are dynamic, and require a constant balance, whatever that looks like depending on the people involved, the context and community.

Relationship Boundary Types

As relationships change and develop, the levels of these tensions change.[ii]  

New Friendship:

If you meet a new friend, you might need to decide whether you will forego autonomy of doing what you want alone, or investing time with the other person (connectedness).[iii]

Intimate Relationship:

The tensions change within intimate relationships as well, couples might struggle to maintain their individual identity, yet in many ways, uniting their identity with another person.[iv]

Workplace Relationship:

This might happen in the workplace too: say that you are going though something personal in your life, although you might be friendly with colleagues, you might not want to be too open with them in order to protect your privacy, thus choosing closedness versus openness in the situation. This might be the case as well for managers, constantly trying to balance closeness with their team through openness, yet a sense of objectivity and distance in order to effectively make business decisions.

Types of Boundaries and Characteristics:

▪       Personal: Values, Needs, Feelings, Thoughts, etc.

▪       Organizational: Values, Org. Culture(s), Roles, Expectations, etc.

▪       Legal: Laws, Regulations, Court decisions, etc.

▪       Community: Values, Cultures, Expectations


Boundaries are normal and healthy, but they can lead to discomfort.

When we do not know what the boundaries should be, we might be shocked or uncomfortable when a boundary is expressed by someone else. Maybe someone expresses anger with you after you made a joke in the workplace. Maybe someone felt hurt when you asked to change the parameters of a relationship (say breaking up with a friend or a new boyfriend/girlfriend)? Maybe someone did something that left you feeling uncomfortable, and whether you reacted or not, a boundary needed to be expressed.

Dealing with Discomfort.

When you think of the discomfort caused by boundaries, remember the benefits. First of all, if you feel uncomfortable about asserting a boundary with someone, or someone asserting a boundary with you, the feeling will be temporary.

Boundaries can help us.

Setting boundaries can help us feel a sense of predictability and freedom. It can increase our self-esteem and confidence. We can feel happier and safer in our relationships with others. We learn to develop ourselves personally and professionally through learning to respect our boundaries, and the boundaries of others. We can prevent unnecessary conflict that might lead to uncomfortable tensions. We can also manage conflict through setting boundaries, say we need to move on, and leave a relationship behind us. Sometimes setting a boundary might be the only way to resolve a conflict.

How to set a boundary?

If you feel uncomfortable and think you are in a destructive relationship, be sure to read about it here, and learn about fights gone bad.

Labels: bad-relationships, boundaries, Unhealthy-Relationships,

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[i] S Beebe, S Beebe, M Redmond, T Geerinck. Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Fifth Canadian Edition. Toronto: Pearson at page 282.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Ibid.

[iv] Ibid.

Self-leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

Self-Leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

Be the change that you want to see in the world. ― Mahatma Gandhi

Self-leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

 Essential advice on how to manage and reduce harmful conflict at home and at work. 

Here is what we think about self-leadership in conflict. Also known as taking self-responsibility in conflict, self-leadership is about taking leadership across situations to manage your own reaction to issues and conflict, and also help others manage their issues. While it might not be considered a style on its own, it might have a significant impact on your situation. As mediators and conflict coaches, we recommend learning about self-leadership because we believe everyone is responsible for their own behaviour in situations. We always have a choice in how we react, and this can have a major impact on the dynamics and relationships around us.

Self-leadership in conflict assumes the following characteristics:

• We are responsible for what we bring to a situation (our thoughts, which impact how we feel. If we change our thoughts, we can modify how we feel about situations),
• We should give people the "benefit of the doubt" (assume the best in people),
• We always have a choice in how we react to a situation,
• Our behaviour can impact those around us,
• We should take responsibility to make a situation better.

Self-leadership in Conflict - Leadership Styles

We use the acronym LEADER.

L - Limits and boundaries: 

We all have limits, which are "lines in the sand" that shouldn't be passed by those around us. Sometimes they differ based on the relationship. What we share with our intimate partner should not always be shared with family, friends and colleagues. Boundaries are based on what we and others are comfortable with. If someone is not comfortable with certain things, then we must respect their boundaries as we expect the same in return. If you feel uncomfortable about something, it is likely that someone has not respected one of your limits. They might not be aware or your limits, so it is your responsibility to state your boundaries in the situation. This is an essential part of self responsibility in conflict. To better know our limits, which require boundaries, we should be aware of triggers. Read our blog on Boundaries.

E - Explore Triggers: 

Have you found yourself react strongly to particular statements made by friends or family. Maybe you become defensive about particular subjects, or "shut down" around others in particular situations. This means that something has triggered something within you. No, the other person is not responsible for your reaction (see below). rather, something from the last is likely leading you to react in such a strong way. We all have a history. How did we handle conflict and confrontation in the past? How did we react to the anger and emotions of others? What do we associate with the present triggering behaviour, whether it be from childhood or something more recent. Although mediators are not to help clients analyze this, we must take responsibility for the triggers that seem to push us to react in strong ways. If we work on understanding these, it might be easier to react in a calm manner, proportional to the situation. 

A - Assumptions and perception checks: 

How often do we assume that someone else intended to do something negatively, and then subsequently find out they had no negative intention whatsoever. Psychologically it's easier for us to assume others had a negative intention, while we, in the same situation, would have had a positive intention- see fundamental attribution error. Checking out the perception of others around us requires constant effort, but can go a long way in helping you prevent and manage conflict. Ask the person, when you said this, what did you mean by it? Or, when this was said, this was my perception. How did you perceive the situation? You will likely feel a sense of relief most of the time, and a sense of resolution, that the person didn't have a negative intention.

D - Direct discussion: 

You might feel a sense of relief to "vent" to someone about the behaviour of someone else. It might even feel right to you. Maybe you want to feel more emotionally in control before you actually have a discussion with them. While this could be helpful, why don't you have a direct discussion with the person who did something that you felt uncomfortable about? Talking to others might reinforce your negative assumptions about someone else, and make the discussion even more challenging when you finally decide to have it. Or worse, you might, as a result, decide not to talk to the person, and let the relationship continue to deteriorate. Many times, it's with it to at least try to have a direct discussion with the person, especially when you are likely to have interactions in the future. Here are some tips to structure your constructive confrontation.

E - Emotional health: 

If you are emotionally happy, you will be better able to handle challenges in your day, including possible communication issues with others. In fact, you will likely prevent many issues from emerging in the first place. When we feel happy and healthy, other people are likely to feel at ease around us, and more Likely to interpret us in the way we intend them to. For example, it's easier for a colleague to assume that everything is okay in your relationship together if he interaction is positive. On the other hand, if you are stressed out, and angry about something, they might mistakenly assume that the negative emotion is directed at them. Thus, creating miscommunication and possible conflict. In the same way, if we are happier, when someone at work seems to be negative or short around us, we are more likely to assume it's not about us, and they are likely just having a bad day. Emotional health is also impacted by physical health. See our blog about emotional health, 

R- Reaction control: 

We are responsible for our reactions and our feelings. It might seem hard to believe, but others do not control our feelings. We are responsible for how we think, which then impacts and leads to how we feel. While it's understand to feel impacted by the behaviour of someone else, the way we react is what we do have control over. Will you "stoop to their level" or "take the high road", meaning, will you react in a way that you respect and expect from others, or will you simply retaliate and act with a sense of revenge. Ask yourself what are the consequences of both approaches. I terms of self leadership in conflict resolution, acting with vengeance leads to conflict escalation, and rarely will get you what you want, being, resolution to the situation.

So next time you feel uncomfortable, hurt or angry about something, you hear someone gossiping at work, or you simply want to be a force of positive change for others in your life, be a LEADER.

Search self-leadership, self-resolution, self-mediation, leadership, self-leadership, leadership-styles

Modernizing your Practice. ODR Online Dispute Resolution

Modernizing your Practice. ODR Reflections

Modernizing your Practice. ODR Online Dispute Resolution

1.   What is ODR?

• Definition: Use of technology to resolve disputes between parties
• History: People have been providing coaching over the phone for years, as well as moderating discussions online (during the reign of chat rooms at the start of the internet). In 1995, Ebay commissioned UMass to conduct a pilot project between buyers and sellers – using email to resolve disputes, with great success.
• Scope: Can be an array of technologies to facilitate communication and dispute resolution, including messaging, moderation, video conferencing, case management and more.
• Types: Can be used in self-resolution,[i] consultations, coaching, facilitation, training, mediation, ombuds and workplace investigations, arbitration, etc.
• Subject Matter: private consumer dispute resolution (Paypal and Modria), public dispute resolution (BC Consumer Protection) settling claims/automated negotiation (SmartSettle – many municipal disputes), Fair Outcomes), arbitration (eQuibbly), self-resolution tools (Mediate2go), etc.

  

2.   Why ODR?

• Access to Justice: Improve access to justice through easier access to courts, affordable and quick assistance,[ii]
• Immediate Results: Improve access to more immediate dispute resolution,
• Improve Negotiation: Facilitate negotiation with tools using mathematical models,[iii] games theory, etc.,
• Go Green: Reduce environmental footprint, whereby documentation is completely digitized, parties need not drive to meet practitioners, etc.,
• Reduces Costs and Inefficiencies: parties spend less money on conference calls, transport and travel, their issues can be resolved more quickly, (but it might be very expensive when it could be for free in the court system),
• Already happening: Most mediators today communicate over email with clients. However, they are not doing so with encrypted messaging. ODR can improve current processes of practitioners.
• Consumers Demand: People want quick resolution. See our blog on Modernizing your practice. 

3.    Concerns with ODR? (Also see concerns related to the process below)

• Change: Fear and discomfort of change and using technology. Change comes slowly the field of law. Many law firms waste vast amounts of paper; when technology could save money and reduce the environmental impact. The status quo is easier to maintain, even if it would be better. Some might fear the loss of business/work if disputes are being settled privately.
• Resources: Investing in ODR might divert funds from other court needs?[iv] However, this assumes that the current system works well (ignoring the inconveniences and inefficiencies of court administration: rolling briefcases, documents cannot be filed online, judgment often not sent electronically),
• Generation Gap: People might not be comfortable with technology.[v] Not exactly, even older generation is using technology.
• Barriers to Access: People might not have access to technology? At the same time, it might provide more access to a greater amount of people.
• Advocacy: Some ODR systems do not facilitate/ensure legal representation. But, participants may nonetheless consult lawyers…
• Lack of Consultation? In BC, the bar was apparently not consulted,
• Jurisdiction: Concern that settlement decisions might not be enforced.
• Quality and Oversight: It might be better to encourage parties to seek ODR within same jurisdiction, so they may have easier access to complain to the relevant ADR association and eventually court,
• Lack of Training? Mediators might not have sufficient training to ensure effective security protocols, etc.

4.   Current trends in ODR in Canada and elsewhere

• Virtual Courtroom Environment: eCourtroom of the Australian Federal Court,
• Small Claims ODR: Address disputes within court system that are not expensive to resolve, but cost the system a great deal,
• Empowerment: Tools to empower private practitioners
• ODR Tribunal: BC Government offers independent civil resolution for family and small businesses as created via the Civil Resolution Tribunal Act,[vi]
• Self-Resolution: Self-resolution tools to improve client’s skills in conflict resolution,
• E-Commerce ODR: Cross border e-commerce transactions – see UNCITRAL,
• Internet Domain Name Disputes: - see ICANN
• BC Consumer Protection – see BC ODR

5.   Security implications of doing DR on the Cloud

• When using multiple platforms, one must determine if the site is encryption (now, AES is standard)
• What’s next? Off the record (OTR) encryption, which uses a combination of AES and other functions to provide “perfect forward secrecy and malleable encryption”, in order to move towards keeping online conversations private, like in real life.

6.   Implications for ODR processes related to ethics, party satisfaction, etc.

• Informed Consent: Informed consent to enter clients information into online database, newsletter, or use it electronically, as some clients might be more comfortable with you using paper, like therapists,
• Quick Access: Some parties would be happier to get things over with, have quick access, which might lead to satisfaction.
• Electronic Distance? Some suggest that electronic communication leads to “distance”, and that mediation works best when parties are physically with them.[vii]

• It’s a very traditional view, that doesn’t recognize how online is a valid and daily form and medium of communication.
• Online learning has been researched, and has been proven at times to make it easier to participate in activities, and improve “the quality and quantity of interaction.[viii]”
• Also, “the benefits of using technologies in an informed and pedagogically sound way can be felt across sectors”, especially taking into account “Learners needs, motivates, learning styles and prior experience” and more.[ix]

• Less Control? Mediator has less control of the process?[x] Again, this might be an assumption. 

7.   Generational expectations related to technology and DR on the cloud

• See this blog: http://blog.mediate2go.com/2014/08/modernizing-your-practice-mediating-on.html

 

8.   Resources

• http://www.uncitral.org/uncitral/publications/online_resources_ODR.html

Modernizing your Practice. ODR Online Dispute Resolution

 

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[ii] Sizing up online dispute resolution, Canadian Bar Association, http://www.nationalmagazine.ca/Articles/September-2012-Issue/Sizing-up-online-dispute-resolution.aspx.

[iii] Ibid.

[iv] Ibid.

[v] Ibid.

[vi] Ibid.

[vii] The Pros And Cons Of Online Dispute Resolution: An Assessment Of Cyber-Mediation Websites, http://scholarship.law.duke.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1073&context=dltr

[viii] Comparing the Effectiveness of Classroom and Online Learning, Journal of Public Affairs Education,

http://www.naspaa.org/jpaemessenger/Article/VOL19-2/03_Ni.pdf

[ix] Effective Practice with e-Learning , JISC Development Group, University of Bristol

http://www.jisc.ac.uk/media/documents/publications/effectivepracticeelearning.pdf

[x] The Pros And Cons Of Online Dispute Resolution: An Assessment Of Cyber-Mediation Websites

http://scholarship.law.duke.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1073&context=dltr

How to Control and Manage Anger

How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger

Annoyed, bitter, enraged, exasperated, furious, heated, outraged, resentful, offended, irritated, irate, indignant, sullen, etc. These are just some synonyms for anger. Sometimes, people’s anger turns into revenge, which is even more destructive. Given the negative connotation with many of these words, it is not surprising that many of us have a painful, fearful or uncomfortable association with anger; whether we feel anger in ourselves, or with 
other people. 

Mediate2go: How to Control Anger, How to Manage Anger

Anger and our Health

Surprisingly for some, feeling and expressing anger can be completely normal and healthy part of our lives. At the same time, anger must be controlled or we risk our well being and relationships. If anger is left unresolved, people may experience “high blood pressure, heart attack, depression, anxiety, colds, flu and problems with digestion.[i]”

With skill, practice, and time, we may reflect on what we feel, why we feel that way and then how to make a decision to manage it (control it) and react accordingly.

Recognizing Anger

In order to effectively address anger, we must first become fully aware of when we start to feel angry. One description of feeling angry: “Your heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your fists.[ii]”

Controlled and managed anger can make you feel amazing

Use the anger to feel catharsis, whilst respecting those around you. “Telling people [your frustration] releases that energy rather than trying to submerge it. See our blog on Constructive Confrontation. Anger is a feeling to get over with, not to hang on to.[iii]” Along with this recommendation, be careful when expressing anger as we often underestimate the impact of our anger on others.

Ways to Control and Manage your Anger

Here are three recommendations to effectively control and manage your anger:

1. Count to 10. This gives you time to calm down and have a clear mind.[iv]
2. Take deep breaths.[v] Through controlling your physiological response, you can moderate the strength of the emotion.
3. Express anger skilfully, which is part of positive conflict. Learn about using ‘I feel’ communication. Remember to be very specific about what bothered you. Name the behaviour so the other person does not feel threatened or rejected, but rather capable of changing something specifically to help you feel better in the future.[vi]
4. Match your face to your feeling. Make sure that your facial expressions match your emotion so the person doesn’t feel confused about your message.[vii]
5. Lean on me. Try to talk through your frustration in a calm way with the person in your immediate surrounding if it might be appropriate. Rather than yelling at someone, or running away from the situation, rely on the person around you to work through the intense feeling. They can help you calm down through actively listening to you. Learn about the definition of trust and building trust .
6. Challenge your assumptions. Think about the person and/or situation, and assume that they had the best of intentions, which may help the anger to dissipate.[viii] Say someone has belittled you at work during a team meeting. Try to change your assumptions about the individual’s behaviour. Did they feel insecure or threatened by you? Be sure to read about Self-Leadership in Conflict Resolution. You may choose to take ‘the high road’ and assume the best. How can you think about the situation differently so that you may feel better?
7. Vent to someone. This is not always ideal, as you are not dealing directly with the issue. However, it might help to express your emotions to someone who will respect your privacy, and is not involved in the situation, in order to release emotional tension. This can help you feel validated; yet avoid a confrontation that may be inappropriate, which means expressing your feelings in a non-accusatory manner. Be sure not to gossip, or if you do, make sure it is positive gossip.

Controlling Anger in the Future

Now that you have addressed your anger in the moment, it’s time to think about how you can improve yourself for the future.

1. Consult our expert advice on How to Be Confident, in order to improve your reaction, and avoid overreaction in a given situation.
2. If you are having trouble moving on and letting go of the past, learn about how you can create a positive future for yourself. Being angry forever isn’t worth it. Our blog on finding inner peace is also helpful
3. Say that you were not the one who was angry, be sure to read about how to fix a relationship and what to talk about.

Labels: bad-relationships, Body-Language, Confrontational, personal-change, How-to-Control-Anger, How-to-Manage-Anger

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[i] How to Control your Anger, NHS, UK: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/controlling-anger.aspx

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Tjosvold (1991; 134)

[iv] How to Control your Anger, NHS, UK: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/controlling-anger.aspx

[v] Ibid.

[vi] Tjosvold (1991; 133).

[vii] Ibid.

[viii] Ibid. at 136.

Revenge

Revenge is a Dish Best Not Served

Revenge

Introduction to Revenge

I can nearly guarantee that you have felt vengeful at some point in your life.  It is arguably a natural emotional response when we perceive that an injustice has been done to us.  Retribution, justice, or payback are terms sometimes used to disguise or even justify feelings of vengeance and the desire to have a wrongdoer made to suffer for their actions.  There is, of course, a difference between standing up for yourself and being malicious or antagonistic, but it can sometimes be difficult to gauge where to draw the line.  If you feel you’ve been wronged, what is the appropriate course of action?

Recognize the Feeling of Revenge

The desire for revenge is an untrustworthy emotion. As an example, there is evidence that shows that years after the offense, the satisfaction of victims’ feelings of revenge are not typically related to the severity of the punishment of the criminal.  Shortly after the time of conviction, victims were more likely to say that they felt their vengeful feelings were satisfied, but this oscillated more rapidly and was unpredictable between and within individuals. Many people think that seeking vengeance will make them feel better, or bring resolution to their problem.  In fact, it appears that this is not the case, and that unleashing aggression or retribution on someone who has wronged you may have no cathartic effect at all – and in fact it can lead to further feelings of aggression.   One possible explanation for this is that the injustice remains current (for both the offender and the “avenger”), and it detracts from the ability of the offended party to trivialize and move on from the original injustice.   Further, it is unlikely that the original offender will take any vengeful acts lightly.  There is a real danger in perpetuating a cycle of revenge, with potentially destructive costs to all involved.  

 

Consider the Cost of Revenge

In any dispute, it is common to see parties who want revenge.  One main way in which this manifests is in a Pyrrhic Victory, a “win” that is so costly, time-consuming, or relationship-damaging that it is tantamount to defeat.  It is important to watch out for this and to guard against heading down a path that leads to one.  It is unfortunate that sometimes injustices occur.  And no, it is not always the best advice to allow injustices to go unnoticed or ignored.  But it is equally important to remember all of the costs and efforts, including the mental strain and lost peace of mind that can come from a drawn-out dispute, and these tend to be even more pronounced if the relationship is very antagonistic. It is also important to consider these costs in the context of your particular situation.  Whatever injustice you have suffered may feel amplified if the perpetrator was a friend, family member, or any other person in which you held trust.  Take into account the effect that a soured relationship may have on your other relationships, including ones that may not have developed yet! Is it really worth it?

Revenge 

Strategies to Deal with “Revenge”

If you are feeling vengeful, it may be helpful to step back and consider all available options.  Every situation and relationship is different, and it can help to come to terms with the problem if you consider what could occur next. Start by considering what you would ideally like to get out of the situation. Ask yourself the reasons why, and try to imagine what the consequences could be if you got exactly what you are asking for.  Seeking outside help can be very useful in getting to the root of the issue. This could be in the form of a lawyer, a mediator, the police (if the matter is criminal), or even a medical professional. These are especially important if the issue is time-sensitive.  Speaking to someone who may be able to give you advice – even a friend or family member – is a great start.  It may help to simply have your feelings of injustice affirmed or shared.  If possible, you may wish to simply wait and reflect for some time, even if this means not contacting a family member or friend who has hurt you somehow.

It is unfortunate that sometimes, wrongs occur for which there is no apparent remedy, no “next step” that can be a distinct marker of resolution.  Sometimes this marker does not materialize immediately, and sometimes it has little to do with the effort or thought you can put into it. Vengeance, however, is untrustworthy, and a misleading hook on which to hang your dispute resolution strategy.  


Author

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

What is Conflict? Don't let fights go bad.

What is conflict? Don’t let fights go bad.

Conflict may be defined as an incompatibility of values, beliefs, interests and/or positions.[i] But are conflicts truly caused by an incompatibility, or simply a perception thereof? What is conflict? Can conflict be a good thing?

When you think of the word conflict, what do you feel? Stress, worry, discomfort…? If you have experienced destructive conflict, these strong emotions are understandable. As mediators, we prefer to see conflict as an opportunity for positive change, whether it is personal, relational, organizational, or societal in nature. We believe that conflict is a normal and healthy part of our lives in relationships, families, workplaces and communities. Conflict may present itself due to real or perceived incompatibilities between those involved, but conflict needn’t be destructive. So, we must ask ourselves, what makes one type of conflict destructive and the other constructive?

One of the founding researchers in conflict resolution, Morton Duetsch, suggested that conflict itself is not negative or positive. Rather, we as individuals, determine how conflict takes shape, be is positive or negative, constructive or destructive.[ii]

Destructive Conflict:

When a “fight goes bad”, these primary characteristics, are often present due to competitive and ridged behaviours of those involved:

• Escalation: conflict escalates and goes “out of control” in a given dispute,
• Retaliation: the reasons for the conflict are forgotten, and the parties aim to hurt or retaliate against one another,
• Outcome-focused: opportunities for mutual gain are forgotten, as is the potential for mutual gain,
• Negative Spiral: the negative outcome of one conflict situation often carries to future interactions, leading to negative conflict spiraling,

Constructive Conflict:

We encourage our clients to remember the benefits of particular behaviours to increase the chances of constructive conflict resolution. These behaviours are adaptive, based on the people involved, the context and the substantive issues at play. The first two points are attributed to Deutsch, cited above, and the last three are attributed to Mary Parker Follett, another pivotal scholar in the field of dispute resolution. Here are some characteristics of constructive conflict.

• Process-focused: strong focus on the process of conflict resolution, not only the goal of arriving to a conclusion,
• Mutual Gain: aim to balance the interests and needs of all parties involved, and to increase the chances of mutual gain,
• Improved Relationships: realizing that by dealing with our differences, we improve the depth of our relationship(s),[iii]
• Shared Power: when we share power with others and the organization with which we work, we are more capable of collaborating,[iv]
• Increased Power: Individuals should be empowered as a group to increase conflict resolution,[v]

In conclusion, conflict is a potential or actual incompatibility between two or more parties. In order to prevent a conflict from becoming destructive, we recommend that you do not think that a fight goes bad per se. Rather, the behaviour that we choose, contributes to a more destructive or constructive conflict cycle. This reminds us that that we have the power to help turn a potentially negative conflict situation into something positive. Next, we recommend focusing on the process of resolving conflict, the benefits of mutually gain, striving to improve the relationship and lastly, increasing shared power to improve the likelihood of constructive conflict resolution. Through focusing on constructive conflict, we are more likely to realize that these perceived incompatibilities are simply that, perceived, and that a mutually beneficial outcome is possible.

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[i] See generally http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conflict.
[ii] Deutsch, M. 1973. Conflicts: Productive and destructive. In Conflict resolution through communication, edited by F. E. Jandt. New York: Harper & Row.
[iii] See generally Mary Parker Follett
[iv] Ibid.
[v] Ibid.