Showing posts with label how to resolve conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to resolve conflict. Show all posts

Monday, October 13, 2014

What is Conflict? Don't let fights go bad.

What is conflict? Don’t let fights go bad.

Conflict may be defined as an incompatibility of values, beliefs, interests and/or positions.[i] But are conflicts truly caused by an incompatibility, or simply a perception thereof? What is conflict? Can conflict be a good thing?

When you think of the word conflict, what do you feel? Stress, worry, discomfort…? If you have experienced destructive conflict, these strong emotions are understandable. As mediators, we prefer to see conflict as an opportunity for positive change, whether it is personal, relational, organizational, or societal in nature. We believe that conflict is a normal and healthy part of our lives in relationships, families, workplaces and communities. Conflict may present itself due to real or perceived incompatibilities between those involved, but conflict needn’t be destructive. So, we must ask ourselves, what makes one type of conflict destructive and the other constructive?

One of the founding researchers in conflict resolution, Morton Duetsch, suggested that conflict itself is not negative or positive. Rather, we as individuals, determine how conflict takes shape, be is positive or negative, constructive or destructive.[ii]



Destructive Conflict:

When a “fight goes bad”, these primary characteristics, are often present due to competitive and ridged behaviours of those involved:

  • Escalation: conflict escalates and goes “out of control” in a given dispute,
  • Retaliation: the reasons for the conflict are forgotten, and the parties aim to hurt or retaliate against one another,
  • Outcome-focused: opportunities for mutual gain are forgotten, as is the potential for mutual gain,
  • Negative Spiral: the negative outcome of one conflict situation often carries to future interactions, leading to negative conflict spiraling,
Constructive Conflict:

We encourage our clients to remember the benefits of particular behaviours to increase the chances of constructive conflict resolution. These behaviours are adaptive, based on the people involved, the context and the substantive issues at play. The first two points are attributed to Deutsch, cited above, and the last three are attributed to Mary Parker Follett, another pivotal scholar in the field of dispute resolution. Here are some characteristics of constructive conflict.

  • Process-focused: strong focus on the process of conflict resolution, not only the goal of arriving to a conclusion,
  • Mutual Gain: aim to balance the interests and needs of all parties involved, and to increase the chances of mutual gain,
  • Improved Relationships: realizing that by dealing with our differences, we improve the depth of our relationship(s),[iii]
  • Shared Power: when we share power with others and the organization with which we work, we are more capable of collaborating,[iv]
  • Increased Power: Individuals should be empowered as a group to increase conflict resolution,[v]
In conclusion, conflict is a potential or actual incompatibility between two or more parties. In order to prevent a conflict from becoming destructive, we recommend that you do not think that a fight goes bad per se. Rather, the behaviour that we choose, contributes to a more destructive or constructive conflict cycle. This reminds us that that we have the power to help turn a potentially negative conflict situation into something positive. Next, we recommend focusing on the process of resolving conflict, the benefits of mutually gain, striving to improve the relationship and lastly, increasing shared power to improve the likelihood of constructive conflict resolution. Through focusing on constructive conflict, we are more likely to realize that these perceived incompatibilities are simply that, perceived, and that a mutually beneficial outcome is possible.





[i] See generally http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conflict.
[ii] Deutsch, M. 1973. Conflicts: Productive and destructive. In Conflict resolution through communication, edited by F. E. Jandt. New York: Harper & Row.
[iii] See generally Mary Parker Follett
[iv] Ibid.
[v] Ibid.




Tuesday, June 3, 2014

How to fix a Relationship - What to talk about

Mediate2go.com and WabiSabi Therapist: How to Fix a Relationship

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her insights about trust, and how to fix a relationship.


“Do I say something or not?”
“How come I can’t decide if this is a big deal or not?”
“It seems small, but I’m really upset”
When you are upset about something your partner (or friend or family member) does, it can be helpful to “put it in a basket” as a way or guiding your decision about how to handle it.
BASKET 1…  is a large basket with three things inside… the little stuff, the stuff you know they cannot change (and was there from the beginning), and the stuff that is not your business.  The socks on the floor, the noise when they brush their teeth, the crumbs on the counter, the love handles, the smelly feet, their personal finances, their job, their body…all the stuff that we ignore because we want our little stuff ignored too.  If we harped about basket one stuff all the time, we’d be constantly bickering.
Basket 1 is the stuff we say nothing about.  If you are very upset about a basket 1 item, then this is “your stuff”.  It’s your own emotional trigger…your kryptoniteyour pig, your problem.
BASKET 2… Is the stuff that’s big enough to talk about, but not big enough that you can tell someone what (or what not) to do.  The stuff your partner does that affects you enough that you want to say something because you want them to know you and your sensitivities.  When you address a basket 2 issue you are saying “I care about us enough to want to make this better”, and “I trust that you care enough to listen to this”.  Basket 2 issues do not have to dissolve into an argument.  They can be delivered simply and without a lot of words.  Try “When you_________, I feel ________.”  You are informing your partner about how their actions affect you.  You are not blaming them for your emotions or criticizing them.  Keep a calm voice and deliver the information clearly without a million words.
Sign-up for Mediate2go.com to get free advice on how to have a conversation with someone about an important issue.
BASKET 3… This basket is where you put the big ticket items…the stuff you absolutely have to have in a relationship.  When you don’t get these things, you can use strong language like “That’s not okay with me.” or  ”Don’t do that.”  This is the only basket where you get to tell someone what to do.  Save it for things like honesty, fidelity, respect.  ”Don’t lie to me”  ”I won’t talk to you if you disrespect me.”
Are you putting things in the wrong basket?  If you are silent about basket 3 stuff, you are doing yourself a disservice.  If you are ranting about basket 1 stuff, you are doing other people a disservice.  Think about it.  :)
Here’s another related blog about sorting this out. Also sign up for a free Mediate2go.com account to use our conflict self-resolution features!
Search: #how-to-fix-a-relationship

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Active Listening Techniques



Mediate2go.com: Active Listening Techniques, Body Language
Listening is one of those skills that can always use improvement.  Having our feelings validated is one of our greatest psychological needs, so by working on your active listening skills, you are bound to improve your conflict resolution skills and even your relationships.

How is listening related to conflict?  If you harness the power of listening, you will be better able to transform conflict so it takes a more constructive path (versus a destructive and escalating one).  If you help the person you are in conflict with to feel ‘heard’, you can create a turning point that will allow both of you to discuss underlying needs and interests at the root of the tension between you. In addition, active listening can increase the level of trust with another person, so that if miscommunication is to occur in the future, it might be easier for each person to give the other the “benefit of the doubt”. Please see the Mediate2go.com blog on Building Trust and Mediate2go.com blog on How to Fix a Relationship.

Visit Mediate2go.com and sign up for a free account to learn how to actively listen to anyone in your life. Mediate2go.com will even email you free advice and how to have a dialogue!

Active listening is not rocket science but it does require some work.  Follow these guidelines:
  1. Send Signals: Listening involves you and the other person.  It’s more than ‘hearing’ their words.  It requires that you send signals indicating that you heard what they said. Use verbal prompts to show that you are listening (“Okay, I hear you”, “Tell me more…”).
  2. Truth is Perspective: Each person has their own version of the truth, so focus your discussions on how each of you perceive and feel about a given issue
  3. Paraphrase: Use paraphrasing by repeating their idea in your own words (“So, you are telling me that…”), then do a perception check by asking if you understood them correctly
  4. Body Language is Key: Listen with body language through maintaining eye contact, mirroring their facial expressions, leaning towards them, facing them and using an open body posture by keeping your arms uncrossed. As the above quote details, body language is commonly more important than what is stated verbally, so as an active listener, you must pay a great deal of attention to the body language of the person you are communicating with. Studies have revealed that between 65% and 95% of communication is done non-verbally. Feel free to ask someone questions if they appear upset in some way, if they are not verbalizing it. You can say something like, “I get the impression you are upset because of your reaction. Do you want to talk about it?” Even if they are not ready to open up and state their feelings, they have been made aware of their reaction and might be open thereafter. They are also made accountable to their reaction.
  5. Space for Silence: Sometimes silence is the best medicine.  If you don’t know what to say, just be there with them
  6. Eliminate Distractions: Set aside time to talk and get rid of all distractions
  7. Listen First, Deliberate and Speak After: Don’t prepare your response while they are speaking.  Trust that you will remember your ideas and prepare your response when they are done 

Avoid these common listening traps:
  • Responding to someone by speaking about yourself. This is officially called an asyndetic response.  Consider asking whether the speaker would like to be listened to or prefers advice.
  • False time-outs.  During heated debates when emotions are running high, people may decide to take some time to cool down.  However, we often make the mistake of taking too short of a break even though we have not physiologically calmed down.  Take at least 20 minutes to calm down from an argument. 

Try these tips and see if your conflicts and even relationships start to change.  Remember that you also deserve to be listened to.  If you feel as if someone isn’t ‘hearing’ you, ask them if they understand what you’ve expressed and don’t be scared to ask them for what you need (“Can you please look at me when I am speaking with you? Can you please make eye contact with me?”).

Let us know how it goes.  We’re listening!

Resources:
www.mediate2go.com
Search: #Active-Listening-Techniques, #Body-Language, #Rebuilding-Trust, #Teamwork, #Collaboration, #mediation, #conflict-resolution, #conflict-management-techniques, #how-to-resolve-conflict



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