Saturday, August 2, 2014

Water Cooler Talk: Gossip in the workplace

Water Cooler Talk: How healthy is gossip in the workplace? Can gossip actually improve the workplace?

Mediate2go.com: Water Cooler Talk: Gossip

You are at work, you walk into the lunchroom, and suddenly everyone goes silent. Maybe you are talking about someone, and you accidentally catch yourself looking or staring at him or her. These are signs that you have either been gossiped about, or that you are gossiping.

Researchers have found that almost everyone gossips. In fact, about 66% of all communication is about us, thus qualifying as gossip[1]. Whether it’s about politics, work, philosophy, emotions, feelings about other people, sex, social status or money, everyone gossips in some way. 10% of gossip is misleading and false information, while around 90% is used as a means of finding the truth[2]. Gossip might be bad, but more it’s more likely to be neutral or even good. Gossip can help us feel a sense of belonging within the team, so in many ways, it might help us adapt within a new workplace (to a degree, read below).

So, what makes gossip good or bad in terms of its impact on us? Well, if you gossip about good things, you are more likely “to be well liked, have higher status, and [to be seen] as possessing good information that others don’t have”[3]. This is a great motivator to gossip about good things. Here is a list of other types of good or neutral gossip.

Good or Neutral Gossip:
  • Is based on empathy. Is focused on good intentions towards others
  • Improves learning opportunities: Help us learn from other’s mistakes and identify bad behaviour
  • Identifies new relationships: Help us identify with whom we want to establish and build relationships[4]
  • Disseminates important information[5]
  • Instructs and motivates good behaviour. For example, gossip can teach us appropriate social behaviour, effectively cuing our interactions with others, and even motivating us to behave in particular ways in order to avoid negative reactions[6].
  • Builds relationships and a sense of community[7]
On the other hand, negative gossip has the following characteristics:
  • Attacks, hurts and/or damages another’s reputation: also known as relational aggression[8], negative gossip might hurt one’s chances at professional development
  • Excludes others: negative gossip often excludes someone from social environments, such as in the context of bullying, harassment and discrimination
  • Reduces productivity[9]
  • Decreases trust:  trust is decreased as a result of the fear that rumours might spread quickly if information is revealed. As a result, people might decide to err on the side of caution and not trust others.
  • Increases conflict: negative gossip might increase conflict due to the formation of in and out groups, reducing collaboration
  • Increases stress: negative gossip might create an unhealthy work environment
Mediate2go.com: Water Cooler Talk: Gossip
It’s easy to see how negative gossip can hurt the bottom line of a business. (see our blog on how to make conflict work for your organization). So, how can we ensure that we are gossiping in a positive or neutral way, and contributing to a positive work environment? Reflect on the following questions[10]”:
  1. Is what I am about to say true and necessary to tell others?
  2. Should I state this to the other person involved directly? Did this other person have a fair chance to respond to the issue at hand?
  3. “How would I feel if someone said something similar about me?”
  4. “How would I feel if I saw my words quoted in the daily paper tomorrow?”
  5. “How am I going to feel later if I say this? (or listen to this)” Would I feel embarrassed about it? Would I feel anxious that my employer might know, as it might put my own career development in jeopardy?
  6. “Does gossiping honour my own personal values?”
  7. Does this type of gossip respect the values of my team and organization? 
“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment” - Dorothy Nevill
We recommend the 3D approach to dealing with gossip in the workplace:
  1. Doubt: Don’t assume the information is correct (if it seems malicious), ask how they came to that finding or realization. Give the target of the gossip the benefit of the doubt.
  2. Deflect: Respond in a way to change the topic of conversation, without making a big deal about it, so as not to alienate the speaker. Beyond this, start to use positive gossip to change the communication dynamics you experience with others. Gossip, even positive gossip, is contagious.
  3. Differentiate: Talk about the difference between positive and negative gossip, and the impact on the target of the conversation, and others around. If you feel uncomfortable about participating in the discussion, state your feelings. If the gossip is about you, feel free to have a constructive conversation with the person.
So, this blog does not discourage all types of gossip. Rather, Mediate to Go recommends that you try to be conscious of the types of gossip that you participate in, their impact and then respond accordingly.

Leave a comment on our blog and let us know what you think! Thank you!





[7] Abercrombie, Nicholas (2004). Sociology: A Short Introduction. Short Introductions. Cambridge: Polity Press.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Peer Mediation Resources

Mediate2go.com: Peer Mediation Resources
We have compiled a list of peer mediation resources that will help you design, implement and evaluate a peer mediation program. Please add your resources in the comment area below. Also, see our introduction to peer mediation in schools and our blogs which are great to share with your social media followers (and students) on trust, fighting fair and active listening. Be sure to try out our case manager for free, which will allow you to manage your entire peer mediation program, including intake of cases, management of client information, digitized agreements and more. Read about the best case manager.

  1. Needs Assessment:
  2. Program Design:
  3. Program Implementation
  4. Evaluation
Mediate2go.com: Peer Mediation Resources
Search: "Peer Mediation", "Starting a peer mediation program", "how to peacefully resolve conflict", "conflict resolution", "kids conflict resolution"

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

How to Rebuild Trust and Trust Issues

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com
Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediate to Go Blog. Please read her insights about trust, and how to rebuild trust. Also, please see our other blog on the Definition of Trust.
Trust is one of the fundamental elements in a relationship.  We cannot really be close to someone if we can’t trust them.  And if you are close to someone you  know you cannot trust…ask yourself why.
This blog is for those of you who have messed up…made a mistake…hurt somebody…damaged the trust someone had in you.  It is within your power to earn that trust back.


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Note that I said earn.  You cannot demand trust.  It must be earned, and given freely.  There is no big sign that declares someone trustworthy or not.  Someone decides…or not…to place their trust in you.  To trust that their heart/money/safety is safe with you.  Trust is a gift, and a decision.
That said, here are some things that are within your power to do when you have broken trust:

  1. Be patient: Know that it cannot be fixed immediately.   Try not to rush the process.   You may feel better if the incident is never mentioned again, but that’s not realistic.  See the rebuilding as a process that is worthy of time and patience.
  2. Listen without defensiveness: There is tremendous power in your ability to listen to and really hear and understand the pain you have caused.  It takes courage to face someone we have hurt, but this is what moves you through towards greater trust.  Just listen to and accept their emotion.  No excuses.  Be that soft place for them to fall
  3. Take responsibility for what you did: You are not responsible for their emotions…only for what you did.  Name what you did.  Name that it wasn’t okay. Name the effect you think it had on them.
  4. Apologize in many different ways: Chapman and Thomas’s book “The Five Languages of Apology” describes apologizing as saying “I am sorry.”  “I was wrong”, “What can I do to make it right?” “I’ll try not to do that again”, and “Will you please forgive me?”
  5. Act differently: If your actions sent the message that your partner/friend wasn’t important to you…then do things that send the opposite, correct message.  Do things that say “You are vitally important to me”.  This can be as small as sending a quick text to say “how’s your day?”
  6. Be Transparent: If the mistake was a lie about something that was hidden, then the gift of transparency is powerful.  Information is power.  Letting your loved one know where you are, who you are with…leaving your email, phone and facebook account open and available…openness feeds trust.
  7. Do not repeat the behaviour: If a mistake is made and the lesson is learned, that is one thing, but if you are repeating the behaviour, then you may want to seek professional help if figuring out why this is happening.  Acting trustworthy is ultimately the only way to get people to trust you.
Search: #Trust-Issues, #How-to-Rebuild-Trust, #Rebuilding-Trust, #overcoming-trust-issues



Monday, June 23, 2014

Why do we stay in destructive relationships? All about unhealthy and bad relationships.

WabiSabi Therapist and Mediate2go.com, Unhealthy Relationships, Bad Relationships

Lynda Martens is the WabiSabiTherapist and a Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read her article about "unhealthy relationships" and "bad relationships". Also see our blogs on Moving on.
I have a theory about this.
In my work, I meet many lovely, smart people who describe themselves as being stuck in a relationship that is hurtful to them in some way.  This has never been a part of my own personal experience and, like many people, I have felt confused about what keeps people in a relationship that is destructive and clearly hurtful to them, and often their children as well.
There are many reason why people stay when they are chronically unhappy.  Often there are practicalities involved.  Financial realities…not having the resources to support yourself…wanting to keep families together for the children…complacency… Sometimes people make threats about doing harm to themselves and others if the relationship ends…or we worry they won’t be okay without us. Often we hope that a person will change, or there are periods of less conflict that encourage people to extend the life of a relationship beyond what is wise or safe.  In spite of hurtful behaviours, no one is all nasty, and there is attachment and love for the person who is hurting us.
And underneath…way way underneath…sometimes this is what’s happening…
Before you read what’s below, I add the caveat that although I use the term “he”, hurtful people are not always male.  Also, many relationships are not clearly made up of hurters and victims…there is lots of grey here.


WabiSabi Therapist and Mediate2go.com, Unhealthy Relationships, Bad Relationships
But this is for the person who stays when they know they are being hurt…I will present this in the form of an internal monologue…
******************************
“It happened again.  Why can’t he just stop?  He says it won’t happen again and then it does.  I should know better.  I’m such an idiot for staying in this.  Why can’t I just leave?  But he loves me…well he says he loves me, but if he loves me then why would he treat me like this?  I know…I know that when I nag at him it makes it worse and I know better than to nag at him about chores …But if he really loved me he would stop.  If I was prettier/skinnier/less of a nag/a better cook… he would stop.  He tells me that anyway…that if I was different, he wouldn’t have to get angry. ”
“The thing is, I knew he was like this when I met him.  I saw the signs right away.  But he was so alone, and his family was so horrible …I wanted to help him.  Okay…I wanted to rescue him.  I thought if I loved him, he would be happier, and he would change.  I think that the right woman can change a man.  When it comes down to it, if I was special enough…lovable enough…he would stop.  And he says he loves me, so maybe he’ll stop.  I can’t give up on him.  I can’t give up, because if I give up and leave, then I would be admitting that I’m not special enough or lovable enough.  I wouldn’t just be giving up on him… I’d be giving up on me and my ability to believe in my own specialness.  Being with him is the only proof that I am lovable.  If I leave, then he might be a better man for someone else, and I couldn’t stand that.”
*******************
But…the reality is that his behaviours have nothing to do with you.  You could be the most perfect, caring, lovable, beautiful person on earth and he would still be who he is.  His behaviours have nothing to do with how absolutely special you are.  His behaviours are only connected to his inability to manage his emotions (and they are also connected to what you will tolerate from him).  The proof that you are worthy of love is to be found in your self-respect and ability to protect yourself physically and emotionally.  Talk to someone.  Talk to someone who truly loves you.
And that’s my theory.  Share this with someone you think is stuck in a destructive relationship.
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Search: #Unhealthy-Relationships, #Bad-Relationships, #abuse, #destructive-relationship, 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Best Mediation Case Manager

Mediate2go.comBest Mediation Case Manager: Save time, get clients!

When I first started my mediation practice, I asked myself: "Where can I find prepared contracts and forms for clients to sign during the mediation session?” “Should I avoid emailing clients given that email is not confidential?" "How do I track a client information and where do I store case notes?”, “How do I find clients” and "Is there a better way to manage my practice on the go, without carrying a large briefcase?"
When I entered my first mediation room with a mishmash of contracts and a notepad, I thought to myself, there must be a better way. We recently launched the Mediate2go.com case management platform to help mediators save time and money while improving their reputation as competent and modern practitioners. Now, I can walk into a mediation room with my mobile phone or tablet, and have everything that I need at my fingertips. See what McGill University said about the Mediate2go.com case management platform in this article about the benefits of using Mediate2go.com.

Mediate2go.com is the easiest and most affordable way of building your mediation practice. Get more clients and modernize your practice with Mediate2go.com Case Manager.

Mediate2go.com will help you manage your new mediation, coaching and arbitration practice from your phone, tablet or laptop computer. Keep your contacts and notes organized, allow clients to sign digital agreements and forms with a touch of a finger and modernize your practice to save time and reduce your carbon footprint. A combination of these features is not available in other case management programs. Now, you can walk into the mediation room with your phone or iPad, and just focus on what matters; helping the parties. 

Mediate2go.com also offers secure messaging, so no more need to rely on email. Keep track of all related case links and evidence with the document upload feature. Mediate2go.com even keeps track of all the files sent and received, automatically putting them in one place. 


Our latest feature allows you to sign up for the https://www.mediate2go.com Mediate2go.com directory listing, to help clients find you online, develop your social media presence, and also allow clients to request sessions that go directly to your case manager, saving you from long phone calls doing intake.

M2G is confidential, safe and secure, using top of the line encryption technology.

For a free trial, just visit Mediate2go.com, sign up for an account, then click “Upgrade” under the features tab. You can try it for 2 weeks. Also, check out the Mediate2go.com YouTube Channel.


Let us know if you have questions here support@mediate2go.com. Thanks for reading about us! 

Search: #bestcasemanager, #mediationworks, #adr, #mediate2go, #mediationcasemanager,  #clientrelationshipmanagement, #conflictresolution



Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Definition of Trust

Mediate2go.com Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict and WabiSabiTherapist.com
No matter the relationship, it is important to know how trust works. Trust is considered the ‘glue’ that maintains relationships. On the one hand, trust is defined as being responsible for someone or something. On the other hand, it requires that having confidence in another person, without requiring evidence of the desired action.

When trust is not present, conflict takes on a destructive path, making the resolution of issues even more challenging.[i] Without trust, “bitter conflict...generates animosity and pain that is not easily forgotten; moreover, the parties no longer believe what the other says, nor believe that the other will follow through on commitments and proposed actions”.[ii] Trust also becomes important when analyzing a situation that might require action within an organization. Also, visit our other post about How to Rebuild Trust.

Trust is based on our psychosocial development, the interactions we have with others and in organizations.[iii] Here are the different levels and relationships of trust:

With Ourselves
At the level of ourselves, trust is “…a belief, expectancy, or feeling deeply rooted in the personality.[iv]” This means that the way we were raised or treated as children impacts how we trust today.

With Others
Beyond ourselves, trust is within relationships. It is defined as the expectations we have of others, the risks involved when depending on them and the situations that affect our relationships together.[v]

Within and Between Organizations
Trust is also based within and between organizations through the expectations we hold about our future interactions.[vi] Say you’ve been treated poorly by a co-worker, you may no longer trust that individual because you are likely to expect the same treatment in the future. 
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Calculus Based Trust - How to build it
Calculus Based Trust is a model of measuring trust based on a calculation of the threats or risks involved if trust is violated or the rewards gained if its maintained.[vii]  So, a way to improve trust within a relationship is to express and share experiences and learn about the other person, as this can confirm what we know about them.[viii] Analysing and building trust is an important step to prevent conflict as well.

However, unlimited trust within organizations is not the ideal. Sometimes distrust can be natural within work relationships. Indeed, “elements of trust and distrust may peacefully coexist, because they are related to different experiences with the other or knowledge of the other in varied contexts”.[ix] While a manager and employee should have basic levels of trust between one another, there should be some boundaries in order for the manager and employee to fulfil their roles and mandates. This is why some people get into complicated issues when they start to date someone at work.

Search: #Calculus-Based-Trust, #conflict-resolution, #definition-of-trust, #trust-in-organizations.


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[i]  Lewicki, R.J. (2006). Trust, Trust Development, and Trust Repair. In Deutsch, M., P.T. Coleman and E.C. Marcus (2006). The Handbook of Conflict Resolution. San Francisco, Jossey-Bass (Lewicki, 2006, 92)
[ii] Ibid. 92.
[iii] Ibid. 92-120.
[iv] Ibid. p. 93
[v] Ibid. p. 93
[vi] Ibid. p. 93
[vii] Ibid. p. 95
[viii] Ibid. p. 92
[ix] Ibid. p. 99


Saturday, June 14, 2014

How to be Confident - Build an Emotional Air Conditioner





Mediate2go.com How to be Confident - Build an Emotional Air Conditioner and WabiSabiTherapist.com

Introduction - How to be Confident

“Believe you can and you're halfway there.”
― Theodore Roosevelt
One of my theories about people is that we spend a lot of time trying to avoid certain, specific, core, ouchy emotions (based on Steven Stosny’s ideas about ‘core hurts’)

What is a core hurt?  

Sometimes we’ve spent so much time (usually when we were young) feeling unimportant, or powerless, or unloved, abandoned, rejected, worthless… that it’s like a huge bruise, and very small triggers (things people we’re close to say and do) can lead to an avalanche of this emotion that we have had enough of.  You know when you work out your body really hard, and the next day the cat walks on your legs and you scream in pain?  Like that… Or like Superman feels weak when he’s around only a tiny bit of kryptonite.  We feel overwhelmed by even a bit of this emotion that we can’t tolerate feeling (our personal kryptonite) and we panic, sometimes leading to controlling behaviours (avoiding the emotion) or passivity, depression or self-flagellation (drowning in the emotion).

What’s your kryptonite?  

I think mine might be ‘unimportant’.  This might be why I react internally when my emails are ignored.  Doink…I don’t like that feeling.  I try not to take these things personally (I use my thoughts to cool my jets).  Identifying what it is you can’t stand feeling is an important step.

Let’s say your kryptonite is powerlessness

Everyone needs to feel powerful…not power over others, but the power to determine our lives and feel like we can make things better for ourselves and our loved ones.  If you can’t stand feeling powerless (maybe because your power has been taken away from you at some point), your triggers may be these… when something or someone gets in your way…when something doesn’t go your way…when you feel trapped…and you might react by trying to change the thing that’s in your way (someone else), except this doesn’t really work.


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A few examples to build confidence…

  • Joe comes home feeling stressed from work and sees a shoe by the door.  He blows up, screaming about how many times he’s told the kids to put their shoes away.
  • Sandy is driving and traffic is slow due to construction.  She over-boils knowing that she’ll be late for a meeting.
  • Jean is in a crowded meeting and suddenly feels the urge to run.  She feels a panic attack coming on.
All these people are being triggered and will benefit from an internal air conditioner.
  1. Building an Air Conditioner… When you are triggered, an air conditioner is made up of four things:
  2. Learning to tolerate the emotion. Recognize what it is you’re feeling, and remind yourself that it’s JUST a feeling…it won’t kill you.
  3. Compassion. If you can accept that you are not perfect and still love yourself…if you can accept that other people have flaws and you can like them…then you can relax a bit.
  4. Self-esteem. If you know and believe strongly in your worth, your power, your importance, your lovability, then you will feel less vulnerable to being triggered.
  5. Empathy. If you recognize how your behaviours affect your loved ones…this can help you make different choices.
All this is really about building emotional intelligence and coping skills to deal with emotions.  Try using a qualified therapist to help you establish and practise new ways of thinking about and dealing with emotions. Also, see our blog; songs about conflict, how to fix relationships and how to take self-leadership.

About the Author -  How to be Confident

Lynda Martens is a therapist and Mediate2go.com Blog Contributor. Please read about how she recommends "how to be confident" and all about confidence.

Search: #How-to-be-confident, #confidence, #emotional-intelligence, #self-esteem, #boundaries, #power, #powerlessness, #empathy, #compassion




Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips

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