Most of us have some familiarity with long-distance relationships. For context here, I don't just mean romantic ones, since any meaningful relationship you have with anyone can potentially become one of distance. Sometimes it is the surmounting of periods of distance that cements relationships, sometimes it is the failure to adapt to them that leads to their demise. With this post I hope to point to ways that lead to the former, and also offer some insight for those who may be worried about their relationship, in the future, succumbing to the latter. One piece of advice: Talk. Seriously. And... talk seriously. Forgive me in advance if you're the type of person who is constantly calling and talking to everyone, but I assume many of us are not. Knowing how and when to have conversation is a skill appropriate in all cases where you and the other person have a solid foundation - probably romantic, family, or as close friends. I offer this suggestion against the paradoxical background of how, in this day and age, it is stupendously easy to have a live audio or video conversation with someone half the world away - and yet it is remarkable how many years can seem to pass suddenly without you having spoken to a (once?) great friend, or a month might slip away without speaking to your parents. It's easy enough to take your buddies' Facebook posts as gospel and tell yourself you know what they're up to, but this is a poor proxy for really knowing who they are, how they feel about life, how they feel about your friendship or relationship. The level of dedication to this step clearly needs to be higher in relationships that you really intend to keep going for the long term, the family and romantic ones. Particularly for these types, semi-regular or frequent communication can be wonderful and can lead to thriving rather than boring or faltering relationships. If you setup communication "dates", keep them, but I'd also recommend working in unexpected conversations. Trust is fostered better when both parties feel this way, and it's totally acceptable to point this out and discuss it with your partner (or brother, or BFF). It should feel natural to talk to those you care about. Try to stop yourself from viewing scheduled chats as chores, and there may be larger communication or emotional troubles if you are feeling this way. Which brings us to the second component, which is what I mean by "talk seriously". My above emphasis on being natural and casual even over distance is based on the fact that it would be fully expected to have routine and natural conversations with someone face-to-face (i.e. "short" distance relationships). But it is equally important to have serious talks, even if they have to be over Skype or the phone. Text-based communication is acceptable, too, but I think it is more honest and human to be able to detect the tonality or view the facial expressions of someone you care about. Both of these are elements of successful communication.
Mediate2go.com: Long Distance Relationship Advice
The fact that it is even harder to have a tough or important discussion over distance, I believe, is the very reason it helps to engage in them. The airing of grievances, talking about feelings, tough decisions, or even mundane but detailed problems (e.g. logistics of a visit) can totally be addressed, effectively, over distance. Making it a habit of being truthful with your loved ones or close friends, even when things aren't going well, helps foster trust. For long-distance relationships, I find that it also has a bonus effect of limiting the degree of intensity or pressure that you might feel when close to the other party, be it your partner or family. If you routinely have honest check-ins about the status of your relationship, there will be much less bottled up to discuss during the presumably infrequent times you actually get to spend together. Likewise, staying in touch with relatives can do a lot to reduce the chances of blow-ups when you come home for the holidays. We also recommend that you read our blog on Defining Trust and Fixing a Relationship.
Author
Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.
“We look at the present
through a rear-view mirror. We march backwards into the future” – McLuhan, The
medium is the Message: An Inventory of Effects
Things are constantly changing
in the world; this includes the world of conflict and conflict resolution.
Young mediators have started to enter the field, some studying dispute
resolution at undergraduate and graduate levels, some coming from backgrounds
in social work, psychology, applied human sciences, communication and nursing
(see How to Become a Mediator in 11 Steps). Some have interdisciplinary
backgrounds, bridging mediation training with other fields, such as law. Many
new mediators might not opt for a law degree, and may simply get some training
in relevant areas of law through continuing education.
The
clients in mediation are also changing. GenX and GenY mediation clients have
been raised with technology, and now use this in how they create and solve
problems, how they interact with one another, how they act as consumers in the
world and what they expect from professionals (such as mediators). (please see
the UN Report). This is also the case for GenZ clients, who might be members of
peer mediation processes or sit with parents within family mediation processes.
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Mediators from this
generation are also different. GenX and GenY mediators are re-defining what is
considered best practice in dispute resolution. They use technology to
build and maintain their practice, to connect and retain clients, and ensure
credibility through offering customer relationship excellence with cloud-basedcase management. They adapt their processes to meet client needs and
expectations. There is no longer a monopoly on mediation practice, and now,
lawyers do not have the only right to act as third party neutrals.
Mediators from GenX and
GenY have a new way of working. No longer do they walk into the mediation room
with a bulky briefcase of documents and promote themselves through the
newspaper - they walk into the mediation room with their tablet or iPad, and
promote themselves successfully through social media. See our blog on how
to use our cloud based case manager.
Some mediators and their
clients no longer use email (let alone the phone), some only communicate on
FaceTime, Skype, Twitter and Facebook, etc. These mediators have already
adapted to the marketplace and know that their current and future client base
is already in the cloud. These cloud mediators know that consumers will not
just pay high prices for mediation because someone has a law degree. They would
rather opt for an affordable mediator with a great reputation and credibility -
which isn’t based on the letters at the end of your name.
Key Mediation
(practitioner and client) trends per Generation:
(See UN Reportfor key
generational differences and similarities)
GenZ: 2000 to present
GenZ, which according to
some is the “conflict generation” due to having been raised during various
world conflicts, is also known as the generation of digital natives. They have
been raised with technology, and know not a world without it (see Wiki).
1.Diversity
is normal: This generation was
raised in an extremely diverse environment. These generations expect others to
respect diversity in all areas of service, even if they do not themselves do
not belong to a particular group. This respect and comfort with diversity is
likely to spread to technology.
GenY: Born between
1981-2000
Often
portrayed as egocentric, GenY’ers were validated and empowered when they were
raised, and expect safety and security. This generation is characterized as
being natural at “networking, multiprocessing and [being] global-minded” (UN Report).
1.Instant Service: GenY members want things right now, so online dispute resolution
offers a quick solution. If you’re not there as a service provider when they want it,
they will move on. If you are asked as a mediator to provide a document, they
want it right away. They want their copy of the settlement
agreement immediately, etc. Luckily, this is possible with Mediate2go.com.
2.Online Platforms: They are reliant on the internet, using everything from “Webinars,
Instant Messaging, Blogs, Podcasts, Avatars, Youtube”, Instagram, Pinterest,
Flickr, etc. These are the new normal in terms of reaching out and maintaining
client relationships. Mediators must use these mediums. Some conflicts are
created through these services, so an understanding of them through experience
is a new form of credibility that will be expected.
3.Online Learning: Learning can come in any format, including blogs, etc.
4.Client Focused: Client and mediator focus orientation is Email, Instant messaging and
Text, so clients expect this mode of communication.
5.Expect comfort and Respect for Personal Life: Mediation from home is a great option for
clients to feel comfortable. They expect personal life to be respected, so
prefer to attend less formal meetings
6.Relationship Focus: Mediation clients are motivated by relationships, sometimes of which
are all social media based, which means that mediators should be skilled at
making and maintaining online relationships. See our blog on the definition of trust and building trust.
7.Empowerment:
GenY clients especially are looking for empowerment, so self-mediation and learning
about conflict resolution is what they want. They want to be empowered to
resolve their own conflicts.
8.Always Online: Mediators and clients use web and networks 24/7, so they expect quick
replies and access to information at any time.
9.Collaborative: This generation having blogged and played multi-player video games is
all about collaboration. They expect this in receiving services, and
collaborating with other mediators.
GenX – Born between
1965-1980
GenX’ers developed
behaviours “of independence, resilience and adaptability” (UN Report) This
generation is more open to technology and some have embraced its benefits. Here
are some key characteristics:
1.Technology Motivates: Primarily on email and mobile 24/7 but new
technology can be extremely motivating for them, so mediators should, at a
minimum, be comfortable with email, and better, use secure messaging to protect
a client’s privacy.
2.Web-based Training: Comfortable with web-based training, so they can already be reached in
this way
3.Design Savvy:
Already sensitive to design and graphics, so a nice web interface is key. They
are more likely to understand that clients also expect a nice interface, so
they know that they must have a great web presence, similar to the design of
Mediate2go.
BabyBoomer – Born
between 1946-1964
Boomers “live to work”,
and have a strict worth ethic, expecting others to have the same (UN
Report).This generation was also raised
when the nuclear family was the norm, so new types of families and ways of
living were not so common. As a result, they may be somewhat uncomfortable with
client requests coming in at all hours of the day, and new arrangements of
living together. Overall, here are some trends for this generation.
1.Phone focused: Stuck on telephone for some, but many are embracing technology
2.Not Raised on Tech: Assume that others see technology the way that they do, that it’s hard
to navigate - they underestimate how technology is natural to some other
generations, possibly being resistant to technology.
3.Exploring the Online: Already using email and google, but still behind on
Instant Messaging (IM)
4.Web-based Training: Want multi-media learning and well-organized knowledge dissemination
Traditionalist – Born
between 1925-1945
Known also as the Veteran
Generation, Traditionalists are “hardworking, financially conservative, and
cautious” (UN Report). As a result, they often look at client relations
whereby:
1.Face-to-face is best: stuck with face to face contact only, and are less
likely to use E-mail/IM/Text due to their discomfort with change. Although many
are now open to new technology.
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Is there such thing as a confrontation that is constructive?
Confrontation is where hidden conflict comes to the surface. It’s where needs can transform into satisfaction. Where values can find recognition and interests satisfaction. That is if the conflict is addressed constructively. This doesn’t presuppose that all conflicts are fully resolvable, or that things won't get worse before they get better. However, we think it's worth a shot to try to make things better. If confrontation is not handled properly, it might maintain the status quo, or make things worse. This is known as destructive conflict escalation, which can make it even more challenging to resolve conflict: when “…people get caught in an increasing cycle of [conflict] escalation, distrust, and misunderstanding [become] so severe that a one-stop, settlement-oriented approach to dispute resolution provides only a Band-Aid over a gaping wound.[ii]” Through confronting someone in a respectful manner, you are more likely to avoid this negative conflict escalation cycle.
Constructive confrontation
is a method of thinking about confrontation based on the way many mediators
look at conflict. This approach aims not to help individuals resolve conflict, but rather help them focus
on the processes to help them better
confront or speak to someone.[i] When we say confront, we really mean discuss. Confrontation doesn’t mean yelling at someone or telling them what to do. It means bringing forth an issue
to someone in a respectful way, while respecting your needs. This
theory assumes that some conflicts may be so complex that total resolution may not
be possible. Furthermore, the model assumes that confrontations amongst
individuals and groups over challenging issues will inevitably take place, but
the destructive way in which they face them will not.[iii]
Key Principles
What are the key
principles in making confrontation constructive?
Focus on the Process
According to this model, it
may be a noble goal to resolve a
conflict, but that shouldn’t be the focus, especially when conflicts are destructive.
Rather, people must focus on “building constructive relationships and the
making of fair and wise decisions over both the short and long term.[iv]”
Focus on building a relationship
Confrontation doesn’t mean pushing only for what you want, but rather focusing
on your relationship with the other person and looking for fair and equitable
solutions that would benefit both of you equally. The notion of equality is
very important to constructive confrontation. Parties must focus beyond selfish
desires to those of the greater good, or ‘community values’.[v] In the case of conflict in an organization, the focus can still be on the greater good of the team and organization.
This brings us back to the ultimate goal of Constructive Confrontation, which
is to transform relationships, “[allow]ing individuals, organizations, and
society as a whole to realize the benefits of conflict[…] help[ing] people,
organizations, and societies to learn, grow and change.[vi]”
With these key principles in mind, we now have a framework to approach
confrontation in a constructive way.
Having a 'Critical Conversation' to deal with Core Conflict Problems
Here are some practical suggestions that will help you prepare for a confrontation with someone you supervise.
A.‘Preparation:’
Reflect on your goal for the conversation and ensure that you focus on a supportive tone rather than criticizing one.
What assumptions do you make about the person? Do they know about the situation that bothers you? They might not be aware of it.
What exactly is hitting your nerves? Does the situation reflect a past experience and are you being too emotional?
Think of some good ways to start the conversation, so it is launched from this positive approach. Some recommendations from www.judyringer.com include: “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.” I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.” "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
"I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this."
"I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well."
Timing is everything, as well as the location. Choose a neutral and private location for your discussion together and be sure that both of you have enough time to have a deep discussion. Also, make sure that both of you are calm (to calm down, it takes between 20 and 60 minutes).
B.Confrontation and ‘Inquiry:’
Confrontation doesn’t mean being aggressive. In fact, the best way of doing so is through being a good listener.
Be curious and keep asking questions. Do not interrupt. It is their time to speak. The key that you don’t become defensive.
C.‘Acknowledgement:’
Show that you’ve listened and ‘heard’ them. A good way of achieving this is by playing ‘devil’s advocate’ against yourself.
D.‘Advocacy’ of your perspective:
Once they stop speaking and you’ve allowed them to fully express themselves, clarify your position, but do not belittle or lessen the importance of their perspective. This means stating things such as, “From my perspective, I saw the situation like this…”. Do not say “but I…”
E.‘Problem Solving:’
See them as someone you are working with and not against and start thinking of ways of working out the situation. If you begin to argue again, them go back to Confrontation and Inquiry once again. Even ask them how we can find a better way of working together.
Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.
[i]
Burgess, H. and Burgess, G. (1996), Constructive confrontation: A
transformative approach to intractable conflicts. Conflict Resolution
Quarterly, 13: 305–322. doi: 10.1002/crq.3900130407.
Studies reveal that conflict has major impacts on
organizations, employees and managers. (CPP Global Human Capital Report) Here
are some examples, which also explain why individuals and organizations
generally view conflict as a bad thing, something that should be avoided.
Costs to Organizations:
Employees spend an average of 2-3
hours per week dealing with conflict
Conflict leads to High Turnover
and Lower Recruitment,
Project Failure,
Cross-Departmental Problems and
Tarnished Public Image
Costs to Individuals:
Stress,
De-motivation,
Anger and Frustration,
Nervousness,
Sleeplessness,
Sickness,
Damaged Reputation,
Leading to Absence,
Termination and
Resignation.
Sadly, most organizations avoid conflict in the hope that it
will go away on its own, or employees will deal with it themselves. This is
likely to worsen the situation and lead to conflict escalation. Furthermore, it
denies the possibility that conflict can be used to improve organizational
output. Conflict, if managed effectively, can actually improve a business or
organization. Here are some results: (See CPP Global Human Capital Report)
Mediate2go.com: Conflict is good for business - Innovation and Change
Better understanding of others
(41%)
Improved working relationships
(33%)
Better solutions to problems and
challenges (29%)
Higher performance in the team
(21%)
Increased Motivation (18%)
Major Innovation (9%)
As we can see, managing conflict can actually improve your
working context and company overall. It might even give you an edge over the
competition. Considering that teams can better understand one another, they
will be more likely to communicate effectively during meetings, and therefore
more capable to exchange information. Relationships are improved, so
individuals will more freely share their innovative ideas and express
themselves, all of which is data that is vital to effectively meeting
organizational goals. Through improved communication, problems and challenges
can be more easily managed, some of which might lead to expensive results if
not handled otherwise. Teams perform more effectively, and teams are motivated,
so leadership can delegate more work to the team and focus on other more
strategic tasks. Major innovation also results through effective conflict
management, which makes sense given that employees and managers feel a sense of
loyalty to an organization that helps them effectively manage their conflict.