Revenge

Revenge is a Dish Best Not Served

Revenge

Introduction to Revenge

I can nearly guarantee that you have felt vengeful at some point in your life.  It is arguably a natural emotional response when we perceive that an injustice has been done to us.  Retribution, justice, or payback are terms sometimes used to disguise or even justify feelings of vengeance and the desire to have a wrongdoer made to suffer for their actions.  There is, of course, a difference between standing up for yourself and being malicious or antagonistic, but it can sometimes be difficult to gauge where to draw the line.  If you feel you’ve been wronged, what is the appropriate course of action?

Recognize the Feeling of Revenge

The desire for revenge is an untrustworthy emotion. As an example, there is evidence that shows that years after the offense, the satisfaction of victims’ feelings of revenge are not typically related to the severity of the punishment of the criminal.  Shortly after the time of conviction, victims were more likely to say that they felt their vengeful feelings were satisfied, but this oscillated more rapidly and was unpredictable between and within individuals. Many people think that seeking vengeance will make them feel better, or bring resolution to their problem.  In fact, it appears that this is not the case, and that unleashing aggression or retribution on someone who has wronged you may have no cathartic effect at all – and in fact it can lead to further feelings of aggression.   One possible explanation for this is that the injustice remains current (for both the offender and the “avenger”), and it detracts from the ability of the offended party to trivialize and move on from the original injustice.   Further, it is unlikely that the original offender will take any vengeful acts lightly.  There is a real danger in perpetuating a cycle of revenge, with potentially destructive costs to all involved.  

 

Consider the Cost of Revenge

In any dispute, it is common to see parties who want revenge.  One main way in which this manifests is in a Pyrrhic Victory, a “win” that is so costly, time-consuming, or relationship-damaging that it is tantamount to defeat.  It is important to watch out for this and to guard against heading down a path that leads to one.  It is unfortunate that sometimes injustices occur.  And no, it is not always the best advice to allow injustices to go unnoticed or ignored.  But it is equally important to remember all of the costs and efforts, including the mental strain and lost peace of mind that can come from a drawn-out dispute, and these tend to be even more pronounced if the relationship is very antagonistic. It is also important to consider these costs in the context of your particular situation.  Whatever injustice you have suffered may feel amplified if the perpetrator was a friend, family member, or any other person in which you held trust.  Take into account the effect that a soured relationship may have on your other relationships, including ones that may not have developed yet! Is it really worth it?

Revenge 

Strategies to Deal with “Revenge”

If you are feeling vengeful, it may be helpful to step back and consider all available options.  Every situation and relationship is different, and it can help to come to terms with the problem if you consider what could occur next. Start by considering what you would ideally like to get out of the situation. Ask yourself the reasons why, and try to imagine what the consequences could be if you got exactly what you are asking for.  Seeking outside help can be very useful in getting to the root of the issue. This could be in the form of a lawyer, a mediator, the police (if the matter is criminal), or even a medical professional. These are especially important if the issue is time-sensitive.  Speaking to someone who may be able to give you advice – even a friend or family member – is a great start.  It may help to simply have your feelings of injustice affirmed or shared.  If possible, you may wish to simply wait and reflect for some time, even if this means not contacting a family member or friend who has hurt you somehow.

It is unfortunate that sometimes, wrongs occur for which there is no apparent remedy, no “next step” that can be a distinct marker of resolution.  Sometimes this marker does not materialize immediately, and sometimes it has little to do with the effort or thought you can put into it. Vengeance, however, is untrustworthy, and a misleading hook on which to hang your dispute resolution strategy.  


Author

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

What is Conflict? Don't let fights go bad.

What is conflict? Don’t let fights go bad.

Conflict may be defined as an incompatibility of values, beliefs, interests and/or positions.[i] But are conflicts truly caused by an incompatibility, or simply a perception thereof? What is conflict? Can conflict be a good thing?

When you think of the word conflict, what do you feel? Stress, worry, discomfort…? If you have experienced destructive conflict, these strong emotions are understandable. As mediators, we prefer to see conflict as an opportunity for positive change, whether it is personal, relational, organizational, or societal in nature. We believe that conflict is a normal and healthy part of our lives in relationships, families, workplaces and communities. Conflict may present itself due to real or perceived incompatibilities between those involved, but conflict needn’t be destructive. So, we must ask ourselves, what makes one type of conflict destructive and the other constructive?

One of the founding researchers in conflict resolution, Morton Duetsch, suggested that conflict itself is not negative or positive. Rather, we as individuals, determine how conflict takes shape, be is positive or negative, constructive or destructive.[ii]

Destructive Conflict:

When a “fight goes bad”, these primary characteristics, are often present due to competitive and ridged behaviours of those involved:

• Escalation: conflict escalates and goes “out of control” in a given dispute,
• Retaliation: the reasons for the conflict are forgotten, and the parties aim to hurt or retaliate against one another,
• Outcome-focused: opportunities for mutual gain are forgotten, as is the potential for mutual gain,
• Negative Spiral: the negative outcome of one conflict situation often carries to future interactions, leading to negative conflict spiraling,

Constructive Conflict:

We encourage our clients to remember the benefits of particular behaviours to increase the chances of constructive conflict resolution. These behaviours are adaptive, based on the people involved, the context and the substantive issues at play. The first two points are attributed to Deutsch, cited above, and the last three are attributed to Mary Parker Follett, another pivotal scholar in the field of dispute resolution. Here are some characteristics of constructive conflict.

• Process-focused: strong focus on the process of conflict resolution, not only the goal of arriving to a conclusion,
• Mutual Gain: aim to balance the interests and needs of all parties involved, and to increase the chances of mutual gain,
• Improved Relationships: realizing that by dealing with our differences, we improve the depth of our relationship(s),[iii]
• Shared Power: when we share power with others and the organization with which we work, we are more capable of collaborating,[iv]
• Increased Power: Individuals should be empowered as a group to increase conflict resolution,[v]

In conclusion, conflict is a potential or actual incompatibility between two or more parties. In order to prevent a conflict from becoming destructive, we recommend that you do not think that a fight goes bad per se. Rather, the behaviour that we choose, contributes to a more destructive or constructive conflict cycle. This reminds us that that we have the power to help turn a potentially negative conflict situation into something positive. Next, we recommend focusing on the process of resolving conflict, the benefits of mutually gain, striving to improve the relationship and lastly, increasing shared power to improve the likelihood of constructive conflict resolution. Through focusing on constructive conflict, we are more likely to realize that these perceived incompatibilities are simply that, perceived, and that a mutually beneficial outcome is possible.

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[i] See generally http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conflict.
[ii] Deutsch, M. 1973. Conflicts: Productive and destructive. In Conflict resolution through communication, edited by F. E. Jandt. New York: Harper & Row.
[iii] See generally Mary Parker Follett
[iv] Ibid.
[v] Ibid.

Negotiation Strategies and Tactics

Negotiation happens all the time, and often we are not even aware of it.  Sometimes, particularly when something is important to you, negotiation or even expressing your position can be a monstrously stressful task.  Whether at work or in your personal life, it can feel daunting or intimidating to have to approach the “other side”, whatever that may be.  Alternately, negotiation may not phase you in the least, though you may still wish to improve your efficiency in reaching an agreement.  Remember that many conflicts involve two or more viewpoints that could at least potentially reach an agreement.  It tends to be in both disputants' best long-term interests to settle before litigation, just as much as it is in the interests of co-contractors to effectively understand and agree with each others’ position before signing the deal.  I offer the following general suggestions to consider whenever you enter into a negotiation. 

1. Negotiation: First Things First

It is a good idea to reflect on and internalize any elements of the outcome that you absolutely must achieve. By this I mean the be-all-and-end-all, an absolutely essential component that must be part of any end agreement. Examples might be a hard budget, a deadline, or the involvement or actions of a specific person. Especially in cases where you represent more than one person’s interests in negotiations, it is best to get a firm grasp of what absolutely must be present to reach an agreement. Be careful not to underestimate the amount of time or critical reflection it may take to pinpoint these so-called “first things”. It is possible that your particular negotiation does not truthfully have any imperatives!  If that is the case, be prepared to recognize that, and be thankful that you will have even more leeway to reach a mutually beneficial arrangement.

I find that crucially important issues are best dealt with up front. Time, energy, and frustrating can be saved by fully disclosing your requirements to the other parties. This will affect how others can respond to you, and prevents unexpected surprise. Rare is the case where obscuring a crucial issue for disclosure at a later period works out favorably, and that type of strategy can easily lead to accusations of deception. 

Do not be afraid to clearly articulate what the “needs” of your position are. Introduce them early, and reiterate as necessary. Not forcefully, but tactfully and with the expectation that if one side cannot have its elementary needs met, there cannot be a mutually acceptable outcome. 

        

          2. Negotiation: Know Your Goals and Your Limits

The next and possibly most important skill is recognizing the hazier area between the "absolute-must-haves" and the "desirable but not indispensable". For this skill, I invite you to think about what you (or your client) would ideally like to achieve through the negotiation process. These are elements of any agreement or settlement that you could probably do without, or else they would be addressed in the "First Things First" category above. In most situations, there is a range of acceptable outcomes on a spectrum between your most desired outcome, and your least desired (but still tolerable) outcome. Giving yourself this spectrum to play with, and thinking about it in advance, will give you more peace of mind and a greater sense of where things stand when you converse with the other parties.  

There is obviously a close relationship between the ideal goals and the "imperatives" we talked about in step one.  The time to hash out which elements apply where, in your particular case, is before you start making offers or stating your position. Canvassing the possible outcomes of each element in dispute, as well as how desirable they are, is important when negotiating for yourself but even more important when acting on behalf of others. Negotiating for someone else carries even more responsibility, so it is best to be as prepared as possible.

Be aware that we often have knee-jerk reactions when we set limits or goals. Sometimes a few days of reflection, or even a few minutes, can cause us to realize that what we once thought was an absolute is actually subject to possible changes. Being able to keep these instinctive reactions in check is a good skill for any negotiator.

An excellent tool to practice this step is something at which most of us are already adept: "What-if?", and other hypothetical questions, like "What could..." or "What would...". 

Here are a few examples:

• What if they refuse to pay the target price?
• What if he can't meet until next week?
• What would I ask for in return if they need more from me?
• What if they spring something on me?
• What if they will not budge on issue X or Y?

         3. Negotiation: Know Your Audience

This is also a crucial step, and some preparatory work in this regard will often be useful when you enter into discussions. There are two pieces of this skill. The first is to try to understand the other parties' background. Chances are, you know some general information about who they are, and perhaps about the types of restraints they may have. Try to consider, in advance, what the other parties' answers to steps 1 and 2 above would be! It is rare that you will have access to all of the information or perspective that belongs to the other side, but thinking this way may help approximate it. 

The second piece is to consider how others might react to your position. Again, this is informed by steps 1 and 2. Think about what it would mean for the other person if you got exactly what you are asking for - both in terms of your essential needs and your ideal goals. Really think about this, as it can help you narrow down the range of acceptable outcomes you have settled on in step 2.  

In both of these parts, take caution not to draw too many assumptions.  Avoid straw-manning the others' positions, and try to uncover which issues you think will be "non-negotiable", that is, the other side's First Things. 

         4. Attune to the Negotiation Environment

No two negotiations are the same, and how you phrase your discussions may depend on variable factors. Remember that you may be negotiating whether face-to-face, in a mediation or settlement conference, or even writing an email. There is no catch-all way to present yourself that will work in every scenario. However, if you have gone through the above steps, it will be easier to gauge the appropriate tone or techniques.

If negotiating with sophisticated parties, you may feel as though you are at a relative disadvantage. In such cases, be sure to vocalize your needs so that you are understood. Your potential landlord may have a standard way things are done, but if it will not work for you there is little point pretending it will. It is possible that you or your client may feel pressured, sometimes exceedingly so. In many scenarios, including face-to-face negotiations, it is perfectly acceptable to make your feelings known. Saying "I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now and I think I will need [a few minutes or days, to speak with my partner] before we continue" can be helpful. No, perhaps not in time-sensitive situations - but recognize that many deadlines we set for ourselves are themselves negotiable. If delaying the closing date by a few days is necessary to make sure both sides feel satisfied with the arrangement, where is the issue?  Likewise, pausing an ongoing mediation for a month does not mean the sessions have failed. 

On the other hand, if it feels like you are more in control of things, remember that the other parties may be the ones feeling pressured or confused. It is good practice in these situations to remain calm and candid. Make the extra effort to try to understand the others' needs and desires so that any arrangement reached is well-understood and clear. Aside from helping to make the whole process more amicable, this strategy can help preserve an ongoing relationship with the other party, and may help guard against any future claims that the discussions were unfair.

Author

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

Search: #collaboration, #conflict-resolution, #confrontational, #negotiation, #negotiator.

Negotiation Strategies and Tactics

Long Distance Relationship Advice

Mediate2go.com: Long Distance Relationship Advice

 Most of us have some familiarity with long-distance relationships. For context here, I don't just mean romantic ones, since any meaningful relationship you have with anyone can potentially become one of distance. Sometimes it is the surmounting of periods of distance that cements relationships, sometimes it is the failure to adapt to them that leads to their demise. With this post I hope to point to ways that lead to the former, and also offer some insight for those who may be worried about their relationship, in the future, succumbing to the latter.

One piece of advice: Talk. Seriously. And... talk seriously.

Forgive me in advance if you're the type of person who is constantly calling and talking to everyone, but I assume many of us are not. Knowing how and when to have conversation is a skill appropriate in all cases where you and the other person have a solid foundation - probably romantic, family, or as close friends. I offer this suggestion against the paradoxical background of how, in this day and age, it is stupendously easy to have a live audio or video conversation with someone half the world away - and yet it is remarkable how many years can seem to pass suddenly without you having spoken to a (once?) great friend, or a month might slip away without speaking to your parents. It's easy enough to take your buddies' Facebook posts as gospel and tell yourself you know what they're up to, but this is a poor proxy for really knowing who they are, how they feel about life, how they feel about your friendship or relationship.

The level of dedication to this step clearly needs to be higher in relationships that you really intend to keep going for the long term, the family and romantic ones. Particularly for these types, semi-regular or frequent communication can be wonderful and can lead to thriving rather than boring or faltering relationships.  If you setup communication "dates", keep them, but I'd also recommend working in unexpected conversations.  Trust is fostered better when both parties feel this way, and it's totally acceptable to point this out and discuss it with your partner (or brother, or BFF). It should feel natural to talk to those you care about. Try to stop yourself from viewing scheduled chats as chores, and there may be larger communication or emotional troubles if you are feeling this way.

Which brings us to the second component, which is what I mean by "talk seriously". My above emphasis on being natural and casual even over distance is based on the fact that it would be fully expected to have routine and natural conversations with someone face-to-face (i.e. "short" distance relationships). But it is equally important to have serious talks, even if they have to be over Skype or the phone. Text-based communication is acceptable, too, but I think it is more honest and human to be able to detect the tonality or view the facial expressions of someone you care about. Both of these are elements of successful communication.

Mediate2go.com: Long Distance Relationship Advice

The fact that it is even harder to have a tough or important discussion over distance, I believe, is the very reason it helps to engage in them. The airing of grievances, talking about feelings, tough decisions, or even mundane but detailed problems (e.g. logistics of a visit) can totally be addressed, effectively, over distance. Making it a habit of being truthful with your loved ones or close friends, even when things aren't going well, helps foster trust. For long-distance relationships, I find that it also has a bonus effect of limiting the degree of intensity or pressure that you might feel when close to the other party, be it your partner or family.  If you routinely have honest check-ins about the status of your relationship, there will be much less bottled up to discuss during the presumably infrequent times you actually get to spend together. Likewise, staying in touch with relatives can do a lot to reduce the chances of blow-ups when you come home for the holidays.

We also recommend that you read our blog on Defining Trust and Fixing a Relationship.

Author

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate2go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is a student-at-law with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

Search #long-distance-relationship-advice, #dating-advice.

Modernizing your practice: mediating on a cloud, get found online and get more clients

Modernizing your practice: mediating on a cloud, get found online and get more clients

Mediate2go: Modernizing your practice: mediating on a cloud, get found online and get more clients

“We look at the present through a rear-view mirror. We march backwards into the future” – McLuhan, The medium is the Message: An Inventory of Effects

Things are constantly changing in the world; this includes the world of conflict and conflict resolution. Young mediators have started to enter the field, some studying dispute resolution at undergraduate and graduate levels, some coming from backgrounds in social work, psychology, applied human sciences, communication and nursing (see How to Become a Mediator in 11 Steps). Some have interdisciplinary backgrounds, bridging mediation training with other fields, such as law. Many new mediators might not opt for a law degree, and may simply get some training in relevant areas of law through continuing education. 

The clients in mediation are also changing. GenX and GenY mediation clients have been raised with technology, and now use this in how they create and solve problems, how they interact with one another, how they act as consumers in the world and what they expect from professionals (such as mediators). (please see the UN Report). This is also the case for GenZ clients, who might be members of peer mediation processes or sit with parents within family mediation processes.

Take 1 minute to increase your search engine rating with Mediate2go! Get a free trial, create a profile and get more clients! 

Mediators from this generation are also different. GenX and GenY mediators are re-defining what is considered best practice in dispute resolution. They use technology to build and maintain their practice, to connect and retain clients, and ensure credibility through offering customer relationship excellence with cloud-basedcase management. They adapt their processes to meet client needs and expectations. There is no longer a monopoly on mediation practice, and now, lawyers do not have the only right to act as third party neutrals.

Mediators from GenX and GenY have a new way of working. No longer do they walk into the mediation room with a bulky briefcase of documents and promote themselves through the newspaper - they walk into the mediation room with their tablet or iPad, and promote themselves successfully through social media. See our blog on how to use our cloud based case manager.

Some mediators and their clients no longer use email (let alone the phone), some only communicate on FaceTime, Skype, Twitter and Facebook, etc. These mediators have already adapted to the marketplace and know that their current and future client base is already in the cloud. These cloud mediators know that consumers will not just pay high prices for mediation because someone has a law degree. They would rather opt for an affordable mediator with a great reputation and credibility - which isn’t based on the letters at the end of your name.

Mediate2go: Modernizing your practice: mediating on a cloud, get found online and get more clients

Key Mediation (practitioner and client) trends per Generation:

(See UN Report for key generational differences and similarities)

GenZ: 2000 to present

GenZ, which according to some is the “conflict generation” due to having been raised during various world conflicts, is also known as the generation of digital natives. They have been raised with technology, and know not a world without it (see Wiki). 

1.    Diversity is normal: This generation was raised in an extremely diverse environment. These generations expect others to respect diversity in all areas of service, even if they do not themselves do not belong to a particular group. This respect and comfort with diversity is likely to spread to technology.

GenY: Born between 1981-2000

Often portrayed as egocentric, GenY’ers were validated and empowered when they were raised, and expect safety and security. This generation is characterized as being natural at “networking, multiprocessing and [being] global-minded” (UN Report).

1.    Instant Service: GenY members want things right now, so online dispute resolution offers a quick solution. If you’re not there as a service provider when they want it, they will move on. If you are asked as a mediator to provide a document, they want it right away. They want their copy of the settlement agreement immediately, etc. Luckily, this is possible with Mediate2go.com.

2.    Online Platforms: They are reliant on the internet, using everything from “Webinars, Instant Messaging, Blogs, Podcasts, Avatars, Youtube”, Instagram, Pinterest, Flickr, etc. These are the new normal in terms of reaching out and maintaining client relationships. Mediators must use these mediums. Some conflicts are created through these services, so an understanding of them through experience is a new form of credibility that will be expected.

3.    Online Learning: Learning can come in any format, including blogs, etc.

4.    Client Focused: Client and mediator focus orientation is Email, Instant messaging and Text, so clients expect this mode of communication.

5.    Expect comfort and Respect for Personal Life: Mediation from home is a great option for clients to feel comfortable. They expect personal life to be respected, so prefer to attend less formal meetings

6.    Relationship Focus: Mediation clients are motivated by relationships, sometimes of which are all social media based, which means that mediators should be skilled at making and maintaining online relationships. See our blog on the definition of trust and building trust.

7.    Empowerment: GenY clients especially are looking for empowerment, so self-mediation and learning about conflict resolution is what they want. They want to be empowered to resolve their own conflicts.

8.    Always Online: Mediators and clients use web and networks 24/7, so they expect quick replies and access to information at any time.

9.    Collaborative: This generation having blogged and played multi-player video games is all about collaboration. They expect this in receiving services, and collaborating with other mediators.

GenX – Born between 1965-1980

GenX’ers developed behaviours “of independence, resilience and adaptability” (UN Report)  This generation is more open to technology and some have embraced its benefits. Here are some key characteristics:

1.    Technology Motivates: Primarily on email and mobile 24/7 but new technology can be extremely motivating for them, so mediators should, at a minimum, be comfortable with email, and better, use secure messaging to protect a client’s privacy. 

2.    Web-based Training: Comfortable with web-based training, so they can already be reached in this way

3.    Design Savvy: Already sensitive to design and graphics, so a nice web interface is key. They are more likely to understand that clients also expect a nice interface, so they know that they must have a great web presence, similar to the design of Mediate2go.

BabyBoomer – Born between 1946-1964

Boomers “live to work”, and have a strict worth ethic, expecting others to have the same (UN Report).  This generation was also raised when the nuclear family was the norm, so new types of families and ways of living were not so common. As a result, they may be somewhat uncomfortable with client requests coming in at all hours of the day, and new arrangements of living together. Overall, here are some trends for this generation.

1.    Phone focused: Stuck on telephone for some, but many are embracing technology

2.    Not Raised on Tech: Assume that others see technology the way that they do, that it’s hard to navigate - they underestimate how technology is natural to some other generations, possibly being resistant to technology.

3.    Exploring the Online: Already using email and google, but still behind on Instant Messaging (IM)

4.    Web-based Training: Want multi-media learning and well-organized knowledge dissemination

Traditionalist – Born between 1925-1945

Known also as the Veteran Generation, Traditionalists are “hardworking, financially conservative, and cautious” (UN Report). As a result, they often look at client relations whereby:

1.    Face-to-face is best: stuck with face to face contact only, and are less likely to use E-mail/IM/Text due to their discomfort with change. Although many are now open to new technology.

Use the Mediate2go online ADR directory! It's the most affordable, yet most powerful tool for mediators and anyone with conflict!  Get a free trial, create a profile and get more clients! 

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UN Report