Sunday, July 5, 2015

Conflict Management Styles

Conflict Management Styles


Conflict Management Definition

Conflict management is the process of limiting the negative aspects of conflict while increasing the positive aspects of conflict (Wikipedia). Often, conflict is viewed as negative interactions that are destructive to relationships (read about Why do we stay in destructive relationships?). However, if conflict is managed effectively, it can have a positive impact on people, relationships and conflict can even be good for business.

Conflict Management Styles Blog - Introduction

I'm dealing with a conflict. What should I do?

This is the essential question of any person who is seeking to resolve a conflict in their life.
Most conflicts have numerous possible outcomes.  For most of us, however, it may seem like there is only one choice, or maybe a handful of choices.  Sometimes none of them are very appealing.  For the purposes of this post, I assume mainly that we are talking about interpersonal conflicts, perhaps with friends, co-workers (see also Workplace Conflict), or family members (see also Family Fights), and particularly ones that are non-violent or personally threatening in nature. Please always remember to contact the appropriate authorities if you are in any personal danger. See also, what to do if you are in a destructive relationship.

This blog post is based around the Thomas-Kilmann theory of conflict resolution.  You can read more about it here. Also, check out our blog on Songs about Conflict Management Styles and Songs about Conflict.

Conflict Management Styles - The TKI Model

The conflict management styles are divided into 5 groups that represent different ways of addressing or failing to address conflict. To determine your conflict management style, you need to complete the TKI instrument.

The context can help determine the right strategy to approach, manage and resolve the conflict. However, across situations, you may consider the style of conflict management, such as the styles outlined by the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument. These styles are “Competing (assertive, uncooperative), Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative), Accommodating (unassertive, cooperative), Collaborating (assertive, cooperative), and Compromising (intermediate assertiveness and cooperativeness)” (Wikipedia).


Even if you do not complete the assessment, the styles provide a great deal of insights into the ways people manage conflict. If you do complete the instrument, it is designed to improve your self-awareness in conflict situations.


Over time, people may see their conflict management style change over time or even situation. You might be highly effective at managing conflict with your partner, but have difficulty managing conflict in the workplace. The different styles are not necessarily good or bad, unless you need to balance your styles more appropriately. If you consider yourself a ‘yes man’, then you might be sacrificing your needs over others.

If you don’t change your conflict management style, then your style might lead you feel resentful, or it might even negatively impact your self esteem. Each style has advantages and disadvantages based on the circumstances and the levels of conflict. Some advantages might appear to be negative, but they might be necessary. For example, the competing style might appear to be negative, but might be necessary in cases when you cannot accommodate others in any way, like in matters of personal safety.

Conflict Management Style - Avoidance

A first step in any conflict can just be to confront the binary of action versus inaction.  Avoidance is one method of conflict management.  There may be times when avoidance is the most appropriate solution.  This may apply in “pick your battles”- type situations, such as where another person is posturing or being antagonistic for reasons or results that ultimately will not affect you. If we assume, however, that the other parties have a meaningful relationship with you, avoiding a problem between you is not typically a great idea.  Sometimes it leads to the problem festering, or blaming each other, especially if no one takes responsibility (see also Self-Leadership in Conflict Resolution). The results can be harmful and damaging (see also Conflict Escalation).

Considering that avoidance typically requires the least physical or mental effort, it is easy to allow avoidance to set in unconsciously.  If there is a particular issue that needs to be addressed, ask yourself how long it has gone unaddressed.  Is there anything in particular you are waiting on? Is it possible to take control of the situation, or do you require additional input? Do you need the help of a conflict coach to try to better understand the situation? Is it a matter of not wanting to move forward (see also How to Move On), or a matter of truly not being able to? If the latter, could it ever get to the point of being addressable or resolvable?

Finally, even if the proper solution to a conflict is avoidance, it may be helpful to reconcile with yourself why this is the case.  Perhaps you need to tell yourself once-and-for-all that it isn’t worth worrying about, and thus the problem can be left in the past. In other words, you need to set some interpersonal and personal boundaries to resolve conflict. Perhaps this may mean signaling this to others: “I’m sorry, but really don’t feel this is my responsibility.”; “I am not willing to move ahead with this.”  Acknowledging to yourself that this is an appropriate solution may also help you move past the conflict.

Conflict Management Style - Accommodating

When you accommodate someone else, you give in and allow the other party to have their way. By definition, it involves some sort of forfeiture of your position (see also Negotiation Defined). This is not necessarily a bad thing, and, like avoiding, accommodation can be of practical use. Think carefully about whether this matter is a battle worth fighting.  One upside may be that you can maintain a relationship with someone who cares far more about the conflict than you do, or who may perceive the matter to be more important than you do.

Downsides can include feelings of resentment or dislike towards the other party.  Also, if accommodation is your go-to tactic, you run the risk of being taken advantage of over a longer period or for a series of conflicts with the same person.  If the stakes in the conflict are very high from your perspective, accommodating and admitting defeat is likely not a good idea.

Conflict Management Style - Competing

A competitive stance is the opposite of accommodation, where you refuse to give in. This is a good style to use when the issue is very important to you and when the outcome is significant.  A good example might be enforcing your legal rights if someone has harmed you or rather obviously broken an agreement (See Contract Negotiation Tips).

Being overly competitive has its risks as well. It could earn you or your organization a reputation for being uncooperative or petty.  Insisting on a competitive stance can also lead to Pyrrhic victories, where the cost of “winning” is so great that no real benefit is obtained for anyone.

Conflict Management Style - Compromising

A compromise necessarily entails the parties’ failing to fulfill what they each truly want, and instead forego some aspects of their intended result to appease the other.  This can be viewed as a partial loss from the perspective of both sides.  It can be appropriate when more time or information is needed to reach a final resolution, when there is no reasonable prospect of collaboration, or when the two parties cannot agree and yet must work together.

The problem with compromising is that it can become a crutch, an easy-way to (perhaps begrudgingly) move forward without considering better options. Parties that find themselves continuously compromising should beware of developing this habit. It can also lead to the parties repeatedly misleading others (or even themselves) about their true expectations or needs, because they count on being let down.

Conflict Management Style - Collaboration

Collaboration is in many cases a desirable outcome.  It results in “win-win” scenarios and can help all parties move forward content. It can also potentially lead to creative solutions that neither side had considered before.  Sometimes, the whole is worth more than the sum of its parts.

Dangers with collaboration include the fact that the parties typically must trust each other enough to reach out and share the burden of the conflict (see How to Build Trust).  This may not even be possible if, for example, there is a duty of confidentiality owed to someone involved.  There also may not be enough time or resources available for this method to be practical.

Conflict Management Style - Conclusion

These are the five general styles of the Thomas-Killmann model.  Note that any of these styles can shift into the other modes depending on circumstances. 

Dan Lawlor - Mediate2go Editor and Blogger

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate to Go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is an Associate Lawyer with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Social media advice for mediators, coaches and facilitators: Why give a tweet?

Social media advice for mediators, coaches and facilitators: Why give a tweet?

Introduction


The importance of twitter


Did you know that some peoples’ relationships are completely initiated and developed on twitter? As a mediator, conflict coach or facilitator, this is significant. If you want to reach new markets and develop and retain existing clients, you should consider whether your social media strategy includes twitter. If you do not have a twitter presence, what does this mean for potential clients using this platform who are in need? Will they be able to reach you if they require divorce mediation services? Will you be available to receive their messages if they prefer tweets to traditional email messages?



This blog is meant to discuss the use of twitter for conflict resolution experts as a compliment to our Best Business Ideas: Social Media Networking for Mediators.

Tweeting terms:


Tweet:


A tweet is “a posting made on the social media website Twitter” and “a very short message posted on the Twitter website: the message may include text, keywords, mentions of specific users, links to websites, and links to images or videos on a website” (Dictionary.com).




Retweet:


Also known as an RT, a retweet is a “repost or forward (a message posted by another user).” Below, you may see the message by Mary Anne @mediator2family which has been retweeted (which is indented in a smaller box below the message by @Mediate2Go).




Twitter Handle:


A twitter handle is a personal identifier on the twitter site, which also acts as a username. You can ‘mention’ someone in a tweet by using their handle (i.e. @mediate2go), so they are notified of your mention. The tweet will also show up in their live feed. Below, you will see the twitter handle of mediate2go. Also note that the twitter handle becomes one’s twitter page address: https://twitter.com/mediate2go.




Hashtag:


A hashtag “is a type of label or metadata tag used on social network and microblogging services which makes it easier for users to find messages with a specific theme or content” (Wikipedia). Below, you can see the term #freshstart, which was a popular theme at the time, so anyone searching on twitter for #freshstart may see this tweet in association with the term #freshstart.





Twitter feed:
 
A twitter feed is ”An ongoing stream of Twitter messages (tweets)” (PC Mag). When you log into twitter, you will see this stream of messages appear. They are tweets from people you follow, and others that might have other shared interests, or advertisements. Below, you will see different types of twitter feeds that you can select, including top tweets, video tweets and more.





Twitter is different from other social media sites


Twitter is a medium to have live conversation with others. Keep in mind thata  tweet’s lifetime is 18-20 minutes, unlike more static posts on facebook. A tweet can still be seen on your twitter page, but it only remains ‘active’ and on the twitter feed 20 minutes or so.

The twitter equation


Ideally, you should be posting one thematic tweet, 4 or 5 times a day. The structure of the tweet should be the 1) Headline, the link 2) Link and 3) 3 Hashtags (#). Although it might be challenging to find sufficient amounts of compelling and appropriate content for your twitter account, the number of posts can significantly increase your reach.

Content in your post


Avoid common mistakes in developing and sharing your twitter content.



Avoid the following
  • Too much direct promotion: (ie. buy this service). Some say this type of content should only be posted in 1 tweet out of every 10 tweets.
  • Mixing your personal and brand identity: Set up separate twitter accounts, and distance your personal from your professional identity, or risk alienating your followers and looking unprofessional. Still be personable, so people can identify with your brand/company.
  • Letting the trend guide you: Use trends to inspire you in your twitter content and headline, but only if you can connect it seamlessly with your message
  • Tweeting without a schedule or plan: You should set up a yearly schedule of dates to keep in mind to share content so that you don’t miss important events that provide rich content (i.e. international conflict resolution day).


Mediators, coaches and facilitators, try the following when you tweet:


  • See what’s trending: Check what is trending during the day, and use the #’s you see. Also, keep track of useful “Retweet Bait” like #FF – #FollowFriday, #FridayFeeling, or #TBT – Throw back Thursday. These can be used in your twitter equation to maximize the spread of your message. 
  • Post blog materials: If you are looking for inspiration, tweet a blog link, shorten it with Bit.ly or within your Google account. Feel free to go back and promote previously posted blogs to new audiences. 
  • Thank new followers: with a unique message or question to add further content to your twitter feed, and show potential followers that you would be an ideal twitter friend in the future. 
  • Use photos or graphics: Share photos twitter, but remember they are only live for 20 minutes, so don’t take too much time or spend too many resources in developing these.

Followers – who to follow and who to avoid


You can follow people to have their content appear in your twitter feed. It’s also a way to get them interested your business. When you follow them, they will get a notification stating as much. Watch out, some people might follow you, and then once you have followed them back, they will unfollow you. This is a sneaky way for them to build their list of followers. This means that that you might be following someone who isn’t interested in your tweets.



Here are some things to avoid when it comes to followers.

  • Following the wrong people: People who are not your target clients should not be followed, unless you have some other type of strategic business reason for doing so.
  • Paying for followers: If you have a social media budget, use this to hire someone to do regular posts.


Here are some things to try when it comes to followers:

  • Keep it local: Connect with local community members, businesses and community groups on twitter, so that they see your name out there. Engage with them on local issues so you that look like an available expert.

View twitter as a tool to build relationships like you would in person.


Here are some principles to keep in mind when you tweet:

  • Build Relationships: Even if twitter is the only platform for some of these new relationships, try to consider them as important as in-person professional relationships. You might meet these practitioners in person one day
  • Consistent identity: Choose three characteristics that your ideal clients look for in a mediator, coach or facilitator, then brainstorm ways that you can tweet to emphasize or demonstrate this aspect of your brand identity (i.e. if you deal with condo disputes, then post about condo-related regulations, court decisions related to condo disputes, news stories on condos and condo associations to show that you are active in the community and that you are an expert).
  • Use a mediation-based tweeting philosophy: build trust with more communication, and develop collaborative and friendly relationships with others as you would in the ‘real’ world.
  • Help other people connect: Do your best to be a ‘connector’. Reply to other people’s tweets and mention interested third parties as they might return the favour one day.
  • Quality Circle/community of practice: Use twitter as a quality circle or community of practice to discuss issues you face in difficult mediation, coaching and facilitation cases to get feedback and ideas.

Conclusion – Social media advice for mediators, coaches and facilitators: Why give a tweet?


Twitter can be intimidating, especially if you are unfamiliar with how it works. You might not even see the value in developing a twitter-based identity. Hopefully, we provided you with some thought provoking and inspiring reasons to try twitter, and practical tools to build and maintain a successful mediation services, coaching services and facilitation practice with social media. If you don’t have enough time to develop content, hire a student who wants to become a mediator, coach or facilitator. Lots of people are looking for mediation jobs, so ask for help today.


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Build an Internal Conflict Resolution System - Workplace Conflict

Build an Internal Conflict Resolution System - Workplace Conflict

The principles to create an effective conflict resolution system for your business or organization.

Mediate2go.com, Build an effective conflict resolution strategy for your business or organization!

Benefits of Conflict Resolution at Work

Here are some other benefits of conflict resolution, if conflict is effectively addressed in organizations. Also, see our blog about how conflict is good for business.
Also, be sure to see our blog on how conflict can be used to decrease business risk and promote growth within an organization

How to develop a conflict resolution system

So, what can you do to transform conflict into a good thing in your company or organization? Set up an internal conflict resolution system for your organization or business. Here are some tasks and/or principles to keep in mind when developing a system.

Mediate2go.com, Build an effective conflict resolution system for your business or organization!

Top 10 tips to build a conflict resolution system

  1. Customization. Customize the system based on organizational and ‘people’ needs.
  2. Self-responsibility. Everyone must take responsibility for their own behaviour and needs. If you have a problem, address it, do not avoid it, unless you believe you can let it go or it will help you resolve the issue in the long run. If something was said that bothered you, find out how to address it effectively. Read about having a constructive confrontation (or discussion) and how to take self-leadership and self-responsibility in conflict resolution.
  3. Leadership Support. Management, HR, and Unions must encourage and support conflict resolution training and encouragement managers and employees to manage conflict in a mutually respectful way. This includes the provision of resources, human, special and financial, in order to ensure that conflict resolution is easy to access for all within the organization. Without leadership support, conflict is likely to escalate and become destructive and hard to fix (how to fix a relationship)
  4. Build Team Cohesion and Trust. Ensure that you encourage all employees and managers to build personal relationships, and integrate this into a weekly agenda of activities. When things do become challenging, individuals will be more likely to have enough Trust to manage these challenges effectively. Trust will also be essential when planning, designing and delivering a program. See our blog on the Definition of Trust and Building Trust.
  5. Participation: Ask for the participation of all stakeholders prior to the development of a plan for the organization.
  6. Problem Solving. Encourage interdisciplinary and interdepartmental problem solving (levels of conflict). If employees and managers are given the opportunity to share concerns and brainstorm on how to resolve conflicts, the organization is more likely to gather critical data to prevent issues from hurting the organization overall. See our blog on the levels of conflict within an organization.
  7. Listening and Feedback Training. Encourage active listening and how to give and receive feedback. If employees and managers are able to effectively listen to one another, they will be empowered to self-resolve many of their issues, often without the help of management and HR. This means more time spent on critical issues. Never underestimate the power of active listening.
  8. Meta-communication. Make it part of your weekly routine to talk about how you communicate, how to improve interpersonal relationships, and how to address potential conflict situations (Top 10 Tips on How to Resolve Conflict).
  9. Self-resolve Conflicts. In addition to training on interpersonal communication, employees and managers must be given the skills to deal with conflict before it becomes an issue. It might entail other types of training or services, such as those related to stress reduction, whereby these might improve one’s ability to better address personal issues that might lead to conflict. It might also encourage activities such as meditation and yoga in the workplace, to help people feel centered and capable of addressing issues in a healthy way. This is also covered in our blog on self-responsibility, managing anger and our self-resolution tool.
  10. Change Agent. Find a mediator, conflict coach and project manager to design, build and implement your conflict resolution system. Be sure to find a mediator with years of experience in workplace conflict resolution to assist in this process. We’ve discussed some of the essential tasks and principles to keep in mind when setting up an internal conflict resolution system. However, they will be able to do a needs assessment to determine the needs of the organization, and recommend how these may be achieved. 

In summary, conflict can be used as a positive force of change in your company or organization if it is addressed effectively. Leave your recommendations and questions on the blog in the comments section below. Also, try using our web app to set up your own system. 

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Setting the mood... in the mediation room


Setting the mood... in the mediation room - Understanding tone in conflict resolution.


Words cannot express quite a lot of feelings, whereas a noise or tone or drone or sound, an accordion falling down a staircase, can somehow capture an emotion much better.
John Lydon 

Introduction - All about the bass


Just like “Tone is everything in TV” (Ryan Murphy), tone is everything in conflict coaching, mediation and facilitation. Mediators and parties in conflict need to be aware of their emotions during mediation. Without emotional self-awareness, parties may inadvertently become even more upset in a process as a result of the emotions of someone else. Worse, is that a mediator, coach or facilitator might mimic a parties emotions without realizing it, reinforcing negative interactions and conflict escalation and allowing the parties to challenge their boundaries. Setting the tone in mediation impacts the parties, the mediator and can make or break a high-quality mediation process. Indeed, it's all about the bass.



Theory - setting the mood in mediation: 

Managing boundaries to impact the tone


Emotional contagion theory posits that the emotional state of someone can impact others around them.[i] This means that the sad feelings of a party in mediation might lead to feelings of sadness in another, even if the other person had already managed those emotions. Fortunately, a positive and hopeful attitude toward the situation, or a feeling of calm might infect others. Have you heard someone with infectious laughter? This might be an example of a more positive emotional contagion. 

The same theory also applies to the mediator, whose emotional tone might be used to influence parties in a positive way, or unintentionally in a negative way, reinforcing destructive conflict. If the mediator is unaware of this impact, they might also come across with a more heavy emotional demeanor, diminishing the likelihood of a more future-focused and hopeful attitude and tone. This is an example of poor maintenance of boundaries.

Changing how we communicate to impact the tone in mediation


We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the tone of voice in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Communications accommodation theory posits that people subconsciously meet the patterns of others around them.[ii] This can be used  as a tool for mediators, coaches and facilitators to help in the resolution of a conflict. Say a divorce mediator models positive communication that encourages conflict resolution, the parties might be aided in fixing their relationship. The same goes for helping parties feel comfortable:

“If a disputant has a slow rate of speech or uses dramatic gestures, the mediator might regulate his or her own rate of speech or size of gesture to be similar to the disputant – creating feelings of kinship and comfort for the disputant.”[iii]

Unfortunately, if a mediator lacks self-awareness, this can have a negative impact on parties. In divorce mediation, if the mediator becomes agitated by one of the parties, they might unintentionally start to communicate more abruptly. This can serve to further escalate a difficult situation. In workplace mediation, rushed communication with parties might only increase their feelings of stress and discomfort, making conflict resolution more challenging.




In communications accommodation theory, there are 3 common patterns in someone’s communication behaviour, which include;

Convergence: 

Convergence occurs when someone adapts to another person's communication behaviours, such as mimicking eye contact, tone, pace of speaking and more.[iv] Convergence can be both positive or negative. If it is perceived as genuine behaviour, then it might be thought of a positive.[v] As mentioned above, convergence can be negative if it leads to conflict escalation.

Divergence:


The tone did take on a negativity that I didn't like and when you make the decision to go the other way as we did it very directly had an impact, you can see it with the tracking.
Scott McCallum
Divergence “occurs when communicators purposefully accentuate a difference in communication patterns in an effort to separate their own identity.”[vi] Sometimes divergence is used purposefully to increase someone's power in relation to someone else. Mediators might do this unintentionally when they use jargon with clients who have no training in conflict resolution.[vii]  Parties might also use divergent communication with each other in a mediation session, in order to gain power over the other. This happens in destructive relationships.

Overaccommodation: 

Overaccommodation takes place when someone overcompensates or overadapts to another person's communication style. You’ve seen this in movies when someone speaks in an exaggeratedly slow and loud tone, and the other responds with frustration as they would have heard the message clearly. Overacommocation can be perceived as insulting, and might lead to conflict escalation. This might be common in divorce mediation cases, where parties may use overaccomodation to trigger one another.

Using listening to improve the tone 

Tone is often the most important part of a conversation - and listening is so much more important than what you say.
Hoda Kotb

When I spoke, I was listened to; and I was at a loss to know how I had so easily acquired the art of commanding attention, and giving the tone to the conversation.
Adelbert von Chamisso

Be sure to visit our blog that describes active listening for more information on this critical aspect of improving the tone.

Using music and songs about conflict to improve the tone


As goofy as it sounds, I try to sing in the morning. It's hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone - particularly in my case, because I'm tone deaf, and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.
Gretchen Rubin

We are not telling you that you should play music during mediation. This can be distracting to the parties. However, music during breaks in the mediation might help parties relax – breaking the tension. Ask each party their favourite artist, and then play each of their favourite songs during a break. Be sure to check out our top 10 conflict songs in 2014 for some ideas of songs related to conflict.

Creating a supportive environment to improve the tone


The higher the moral tone, the more suspect the speaker.
Mason Cooley 
Mediators must manage the environment to reduce conflict escalation and improve the likelihood of conflict resolution. Here are some things to look out for, and things to encourage in a conflict coaching, mediation or facilitation session:

  • Be accepting of parties in all of their diversity, avoid judgement and be patient
  • Help each person express their ideas with confidence
  • Take self-leadership, rather than avoiding accountability
  • State your needs when confronting others, rather than speaking in generalizations
  • Avoid passive aggressive and aggressive behaviour
  • Show interest in ideas shared by other parties, even if they might not be feasible
  • Using active listening to help each person feel supported and heard
  • Help parties manage their anger effectively during mediation
  • Encouraging parties to take small steps to build trust

Using your opening statement to improve the tone 

If you don't set the tone for the day, the devil will set it for you.
Joel Osteen

In addition to the other important aspects of an opening statement, mediators should start their session with a positive, hopeful and forward-looking statement. They should coach parties to develop a similarly positive opening statement before the session. An opening statement that comes across as genuine, and is convergent with the other party’s identity, can help lead to conflict resolution

Conclusion


We are not won by arguments that we can analyze, but by tone and temper; by the manner, which is the man himself.
Louis D. Brandeis

In the field of conflict resolution, tone is everything. As they say in film, “All you can really do as director is sort of set a tone.” (Adam McKay). The same goes for coaches, mediators and facilitators. Mediators must ensure that they avoid emotional contagions, and that parties are not ‘infected’ by someone's negative emotional reactions, as these may lead to destructive conflict escalation

To effectively resolve conflict, mediators and parties must modify the way they communicate, so that parties mimic the communication patterns of each other, without making them feel uncomfortable or insulting one another. A mediator can also positively impact the tone by modeling healthy communication, facilitating a supportive environment and drafting (and helping parties draft) effective opening statements. With the right tone, parties can be inspired to listen to one another and find ways to resolve their conflicts.



[i] Essential Skills for Mediators, page 37 citing Hatfield, Cacioppo, and Rapson (1993).

[ii] Essential Skills for Mediators, page 37

[iii] Essential Skills for Mediators, page 37.

[iv] Essential Skills for Mediators, page 37.

[v] Essential Skills for Mediators, page 37 citing West & Turner, 2000. Introducing communication theory: Analysis and application. New York: McGraw Hill.)

[vi] Essential Skills for Mediators, page 37.


[vii] Essential Skills for Mediators, page 37.

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