Safety Update: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

Boundaries: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

This blog addresses safety, including: mediation and domestic violence, safety in court ordered mediation, safety in child custody mediation, mediation and family abuse and those with a history of spousal abuse. Note that this blog may also apply to family lawyers, legal aid lawyers, facilitators and restorative justice practitioners.

Mediate to Go: Boundaries: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

Introduction to safe practice

Regardless of the jurisdiction we work in, the risk of violence against mediators and conflict coaches is real. Some environments pose greater risk than others. Nevertheless, it’s time to take stock of our management of risk.

Violence in mediation and conflict coaching

Violence comes in a variety of forms and severity and sometimes so swiftly our next response can make a significant difference to our safety and those around us. If you want to learn more from a client’s perspective, read about destructive relationships.

Whilst we know that risk cannot be completely eliminated, we can fall into a trap of not planning for the inevitable. So if we accept that it is only when, not if, we will fall victim to a violent assault at the hands of a client, now becomes a good time to rethink our safety.

Mediation and coaching - a balance of safety and trust

Our work is a tricky balance of safety and trust.We work hard to empathize and build a strong professional relationship of trust with the people we serve. Here are some tips for you to consider. They are not golden rules, merely things to consider as you continually evaluate situations. The risk of developing hard-fast rules about safety is that we become complacent in a bubble of safety, and forget to be ready to react as the environment changes! We emphasize the importance of setting boundaries for our clients, but this blog is about the safety of us as coaches and mediators.

Mediate to Go: Boundaries: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

What situations can pose the greatest risk? (Danger of the unknown)

• Clients who have already demonstrated the use of violence to gain power in a dispute may turn their technique of control on the practitioner. For example, if there is already a restraining order in place against a party.
• An already agitated and angry client mistakenly assesses your reality testing as a threat, resulting in an escalation of poor behaviour.
• A client with a worsening undiagnosed mental illness lashes out at the other party or practitioner.
• Our desire to work toward positive outcomes may provoke us to work outside the boundaries that normally ensure our safety.
• Field appointments to environments not fully assessed for safety may place the practitioner in danger.
• Constant exposure to highly charged situations, environments and personalities may make us less sensitive to our ability to assess safety and react to the normal fight or flight mechanism.

These simple tips can keep you from harm.

1. Client assessment - using your intuition and experience, or maybe a more comprehensive assessment from a psychologist or MD is required.
2. Healthy physical environments*.
3. Rooms with escape doors into a secure area (or safe room)
4. Peep holes so colleagues in the secure area can check on you. (and interrupt if necessary- see escape plan below)
5. Glass (obscured / frosted) strengthened walls in meeting rooms ensure some added visibility whilst maintain privacy.
6. Furniture that is so light that it could not make a good weapon, or so heavy (or connected to the floor) so it could not be used as a weapon.
7. Exclude unnecessary furniture and nic-nacs (Those flowers look lovely but that vase might hurt you!)
8. Use plastic cups and stationery water coolers for refreshments.
9. Design a seating plan so that you can have free access to the escape door.
10. Install alarm systems that warn your colleagues that there is a problem.
11. Employ static guards to be in the room.
12. Be sure that a loved one is aware of where you are when working
13. Never visit people in environments in which you have no control.
14. When you must work ‘in the field’ ensure that you work in pairs
15. When you work in the field utilise GPS / emergency call systems. 

These provisions might seem a trifle over the top in many situations. They are included as the ultimate in risk mitigation technique. Remember, if they seem impractical or too expensive to employ, your job is to do enough to ensure you are safe.

Conflict escalation and safety

Deal with escalations. Remain calm and de-escalate the emotion by building empathy – asking open questions to gather any new information. Remain respectful and be prepared to place limits on the other persons behaviour (“I’m sure we can begin to sort this. First, please take your seat and tell me about….” And “It’s ok to talk about this, so let’s do that about it without raising our voice”. (also, “I’m happy to continue discussing things, so long as you put the knife on the table”)

Read more about de-escalation in the helping profession. Also read about the science behind why some people demonstrate unhelpful behaviour at times of high emotion.

Remember these last tips about coach and mediator safety.

• Escape plan – practice it, review it, amend it, including if you have colleagues working with you, pre-arrange interruptions.
• Post incident process so that you learn from it so you can avoid it in the future.
• Have people around – what if you work alone? – Don’t work alone at night.
• Be consistent. Ensure your security provisions are the same for every client. Your clients deserve a no surprises approach to such things as static guards, the use of lockers for personal effects, seating plans.
• Self-defence – Best choice is to escape (run like the wind). If not, can you defend yourself from a violent attack?
• First aid – if someone is hurt, make sure you can render assistance and treat wounds.
• Don’t let ANY of the above give you a false sense of security! Remain vigilant.

Why is it important to get this right?

Self-preservation is a great motivator. Not convinced? Then consider,

• Income preservation – getting hurt or worse can affect your ability to earn an income.
• Practice continuity – a violent incident is going to interrupt services to your other clients.
• Valuable professional reputation – being unable to manage safety can have a detrimental effect on how others view your work.
• Safety of other clients and colleagues – if you get it wrong, they can be consequences for others.

Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Do you fear conflict? You might ask yourself, Why do I avoid conflict? Why do men avoid confrontation? Why do women avoid confrontation?

Be a Self-Leader in Conflict Resolution
Mediate2go: Fear conflict? Stop avoiding confrontation and conflict.

Conflict Avoidance Introduction

Conflict avoidance is common in many cultures. Some would argue that some cultures are particularly conflict avoidant – where people would prefer not to address conflict directly. At the same time, other cultures might be known for their direct approaches to confrontation – the opposite of conflict avoidance. Of course, such generalizations might not be very productive given that we are speaking about relationships and individuals – both of which can change and develop from moment-to-moment and over long periods of time.

This blog is to tell you about conflict avoidance, and what you should consider if you choose to use this conflict management style. We have written this blog for anyone, and have included a section at the end for mediators and conflict coaches.

You might ask how to avoid conflicts in a relationship.

The truth is, conflict avoidance is just one style of conflict management, and it may be both useful and detrimental, depending on the circumstances and the needs of those in a given situation. Even if you believe that you normally address conflict effectively, part of doing so may include avoiding conflict from time-to-time. The key is to be aware of what you truly need within the situation, and then be conscious in making the decision to avoid, or not to avoid (to confront) conflict. This is a very important aspect of being a self-leader in conflict and resolving conflict effectively.

Definition of conflict avoidance.

What does avoidance mean?

Conflict avoidance means that individuals do not engage in confrontation. Avoiding confrontation at work or in any relationship means that one does not engage in any type of conflictual interaction or confrontation with others. Conflict avoidance in relationships takes place when an individual or individuals experience some type of difference or a perception of difference, and they do not directly engage others in relation to this issue.

How does one typically approach-avoidance conflict?  How to avoid confrontation?

Generally speaking, some ways of avoiding confrontation include “methods [such as] changing the subject, putting off a discussion until later, or simply not bringing up the subject of contention”.[1] One common sign of avoidance is venting, when someone complains about a situation, but if asked, they have not directly addressed the issue, or gossip, such as when someone talks to others about someone’s behaviour without addressing their concerns head-on.

As you will read in the this conflict resolution blog, if you want to avoid confrontation, you need to be sure that it is the right strategy for you, based on your needs and the context.

Why does avoidance in relationships matter?

Conflict avoidance is often a cause of conflict. This means that if you avoid conflict in relationships, you also prevent yourself from coming to a resolution of the dispute. Think about it, if you experience either a perceived or actual difference in beliefs, opinions, values, or simply put – needs – from someone else, a discussion about the issues would be the most efficient way resolve the conflict, and deciding how to move on. 

Why do I avoid conflict?

There are a variety of reasons that someone might avoid conflict. A lot of these things should be discussed with a therapist, given that they might relate to emotions and childhood experiences. If you are curious to understand why you avoid conflict, think about the worst thing that could happen if you actually faced the conflict. Is your deep down fear about being rejected? Are you worried that a relationship will end, and you will be alone? If one of these deep down fears is driving your avoidance of conflict, you might want to talk to a therapist to get the support you need.

When is conflict avoidance good?

Safety concerns? – better to avoid conflict

If you are worried about your personal safety, conflict avoidance might be the best strategy and conflict style. For example, if you are on the street and someone approaches you, if you do not feel comfortable, the best strategy might be to walk away. You might not want to engage in any type of conversation or debate with this individual, even if they have said something that you completely disagree with. Using insults might be used to trigger your frustration, so that you will engage with them in conversation or debate. If your safety is not at risk, then you might choose to engage in conversation. Note that we are not talking about destructive relationships here.

Temporary delay – better to avoid conflict

Avoidance can also give individuals time to calm down so that they can avoid getting caught up in a destructive conflict escalation cycle. For example, if you and your partner are having a bad fight, it might be better to temporarily suspend the discussion and avoid discussing it further until both of you have had time to calm down. This is not to say that you should simply walk away and ignore what they have said. Rather, you should ask to delay the conversation until both of you are more able to hear one another. To know how to fix a relationship, check this out here.

No gain? – better to avoid conflict

If you do not foresee any type of benefit resulting from having a discussion,  avoidance might be the best conflict management style. For example, if you’re having a major conflict with your manager or employee, yet you will only work with the organization for one or two more days, it might not be worthwhile to have any type of confrontation with the other person that risks igniting confrontation. Although there are many benefits to resolving conflict, even if you decide to leave an organization, such as the protection one’s reputation or that of the organization, you might prefer to avoid conflict in the meantime. If you do you want to address issues, you might ask for the help of a conflict coach or mediator.

When is conflict avoidance bad?

As this blog explains, conflict avoidance is not always bad per se. Rather, conflict avoidance might facilitate or worsen the conflict escalation cycle - which is generally speaking bad for everyone involved. If your first instinct is to avoid conflict, look at the above cases of when conflict avoidance is a good thing. If your situation does not fit into those examples [you have safety concerns, it would be better to wait to address the issue at another time, or you foresee no gain in addressing the issue], you might be relying on conflict avoidance as a strategy, even though it does not address your concerns. Only use conflict avoidance if you believe the benefits outweigh the losses. Also think about how alternative dispute resolution could help.

Examples of Conflict Avoidance at Work:

Manager’s conflict avoidance

If you are a manager, and your employees are in conflict, choosing to avoid the conflict is a common form of conflict avoidance which can have unexpected negative outcomes. As a mediator, we often see managers who observe conflict between their employees, and choose to let their employees duel it out. A manager might even tell them to ‘grow up’ and ‘figure it out on your own’. This is an ineffective approach based on the escalatory nature of conflict. One of the dynamics of conflict is that it becomes more destructive overtime - partly because individuals no longer see things as clearly as they would under normal circumstances. Thus, a manager telling his or her employees to simply fix the issue, completely ignores the inherent dynamics of conflict escalation. Instead, managers should work with both parties to help each of them address and resolve the conflict. Or better, the manager should bring in a neutral third-party (mediator) to help the parties have a discussion and/or a conflict coach to work with the manager, or the individuals directly dealing with conflict to gain knowledge and skills in conflict management. Managers should also be proactive in their approach to conflict resolution in their organization. They should make conflict resolution a strategic priority to garner the benefits of ADR.

Employee’s conflict avoidance

If you are an employee, a negative type of conflict avoidance in the workplace might be any type of conflict with a colleague or manager that cannot seem to be resolved, yet one or both parties cannot move on and let things go. For example, if one of your colleagues makes statements that are offensive and repetitive, yet you say nothing, your feelings of frustration and anger might build up and conflict is likely to escalate. Instead of making your expectations clear for the other individual and addressing issues head-on, you may assume that the other person had the worst of intentions, and simply avoid addressing your concerns. This common example of employee conflict can also lead to conflict escalation, and may have damaging effects on people, the team and the organization, similar to gossip.

Examples of conflict avoidance at home

Conflict avoidance with parents or partners

A common example of conflict avoidance at home includes when a spouse decides not to address something that is bothering them with their significant other. Maybe they have already brought forward this concern and nothing has changed, so they would prefer not to ‘nag’ their partner about it – giving up on achieving this need or desire. Maybe they would prefer not to bring up the conflict temporarily, and wait for a more appropriate time – such as when guests have left or their partner is more willing to listen and hear the message rather than simply react emotionally. If you want to know when it is worthwhile to avoid or not avoid a conflict, read this blog – what to talk about.

Conflict avoidance at home with children

Conflict avoidance at home may also include conflict with children. Children may notice that it is not a good time to bring up concerns with a parent when they are having had a bad day - leading them to avoid the conflict temporarily. Parents may decide that it is not worthwhile to confront a child on a particular issue, and would rather focus on other concerns. These are some forms of conflict avoidance at home.

Conflict resolution strategies - Conflict avoidance

Responding to conflict avoidance

If you would like to address a conflict in your life, yet the other person seems to be avoiding you, you might try a few different techniques:

1. Tell the person that you would like to have a discussion with them to resolve your issues. Reassure them that you are open to hearing what they have to say.
2. Tell them what you imagine they went through as a result of the situation. This demonstration of empathy might help them see that you are making an effort to connect with them and that you are trying to meet them halfway.
3.  Emphasize the benefits of resolving your conflict collaboratively. Say your relationship has become very destructive, even if you are no longer able to be friends, maybe you could still find someway to peacefully coexist.
4. Remember that you cannot change anyone. Once you have tried to address the conflict, you will need to learn how to move on and let it go. This can be the hardest part of responding to conflict avoidance. Be sure to learn about personal boundaries and resolving conflict with boundaries if you are uncomfortable.

Conflict avoidance for professionals (Mediators, Conflict Coaches, Facilitators, Lawyers)

Responding to conflict avoidance as a mediator or conflict coach

The section is to help you as a conflict management professional address conflict avoidance with your clients directly or indirectly if they are dealing with a conflict avoider. For example, you might have a client who is avoiding conflict with their spouse, or a client who wants to address conflict with and avoiding spouse. You might even see conflict avoidance demonstrated within a mediation process. Observing conflict avoidance can present a difficulty yet opportunity for a practitioner to intervene.

With an avoiding client

As a mediator or conflict coach, if your client is avoiding conflict to their own detriment, you have a few options. First, you need to keep in mind the principles in conflict coaching and mediation.  In this case, you want to ensure that you are perceived as, and are impartial in how you provide services. Ask about the impact of avoidance on them and other people in the situation. It is likely that there are many negative impacts that result from in overuse of the avoidance conflict management style. Through leading the client to see these consequences through skillful questions, the client is less likely to get defensive and might leave your office with some valuable feedback on how to resolve conflict. Acting with impartiality relates to ensuring that the process is voluntary and that parties must have self-determination. As a mediator, it’s easy to get in the habit of trying to help solve client’s issues for them. This goes against the principles of impartiality, in addition to voluntariness and self-determination. Parties should not be provided with advice, as this might just be a quick fix. Mediators and conflict coaches must be patient with clients who avoid conflict, and give them the time they need to reach their own determinations of their issues and their self-resolution. They must become self-leaders in conflict resolution.

Lawyers helping clients with conflict avoidance

Generally speaking, if clients have contacted lawyers, they are addressing issues and confronting conflict. In fact, their conflict management style might have become competitive. Lawyers are there to represent their clients. Within the mediation context, lawyers can provide advice to clients on the impacts of conflict avoidance, and the benefits of addressing issues.

An activity to help a client through conflict avoidance

One of the easiest ways to help avoiding clients is to offer the TKI assessment so that they may determine their own conflict management style. Once that is done, the client might be more aware of their conflict management style. If you do not do this assessment, discuss the various conflict management styles in relation to a specific situation they have faced. Even a discussion might lead to the development of many insights.

With an assertive and non-avoiding client

If your client is more comfortable with conflict, yet they are dealing with someone who is avoiding conflict, as a professional, you will be providing indirect advice to help them address this issue.  Feel free to share this conflict resolution blog with the client so that they better understand some of their options. At the same time, you might need to work with the client to establish boundaries and how to move on from the situation, especially if the person they are dealing with refuses to have a discussion.

With avoiding client(s) in the mediation room:

If one or both of your clients are avoiding conflict within the context of the mediation process, there are a few steps that you can take to address this issue.

1. First, consider integrating something about the benefits of conflicts within your opening statement and throughout the mediation process.
2. Second, remind clients that conflict can be very healthy, cathartic and can lead to many positive outcomes. In fact, conflict can actually be good for business.
3. Third, if the client makes a strong yet respectful statement, ask the other party to paraphrase what they heard. Next, ask for a response from the other party on how they felt in this situation. In other words, do not encourage conflict avoidance in the mediation room. Instead, provide an example of how to face conflict collaboratively. With time, you can set the mood in mediation to help the parties address their issues without avoiding them.  The mediator in this case acts as a model through their practice, showing parties that it is okay to have conflict.

Thanks for reading our blog on conflict avoidance. Be sure to contact a conflict resolution professional in your local area for help dealing with conflict avoidance.

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[1] Wikipedia on Conflict Avoidance.

Conflict Resolution for Managers: Make conflict management a strategic priority

Conflict Resolution for Managers: How managers can make conflict management a strategic priority

Mediate2go: Conflict Resolution for Managers: Make conflict management a strategic priority

Introduction - Conflict Management in the Workplace

Managers reported spending 18% to 26% of their time dealing with conflict in the workplace (Thomas and Schmidt, 1976). Enormous investment with resources and time are spent dealing with conflict in the workplace. Middle managers are often the frontline and first responders toward attempting to resolve employee conflict. The effects of conflict not only take time from the staff involved, but also contribute to increasing sick days/absence, decreasing morale, creating a negative culture, and impeding efficiency and productivity. Nonetheless, not all conflict in the workplace is negative (see our blog on how conflict is good for business and innovation. Conflict can be productive and promote growth at all levels. Accordingly, conflict can be constructive and resolve a number of issues by producing high quality decisions and result in learning and innovation. 

To make conflict management a strategic priority, organizational leadership must do some preparation to better inform themselves, and to use the knowledge gained to take action. In order to make conflict management a strategic priority, agencies can do the following.

Mediate2go: Conflict Resolution for Managers: Make conflict management a strategic priority

Steps to make conflict management a strategic priority

Define conflict in the workplace

In order for the workplace to understand conflict; all employees must be conflict literate. Again, not all conflict is bad, and employees must come to an understanding that conflict can be positive and productive. Our blogs about conflict escalation and taking self leadership in conflict explain how to make positive a good thing.

Take Action: 

In the next team meeting, put conflict management as an agenda item for discussion, allocate 5-10 minutes to have a general discussion. A goal for the discussion could be developing a list of negative and positive conflicts in the workplace, and further analyzing what are advantages and disadvantages of conflict in the work place. Depending on the energy of conversation, propose continuing the discussion of conflict management at the next team meeting. Recommend that your team read the blog on conflict management styles.

Investing in conflict management training

There are a number of trainings and personality tests that can be done in the workplace to help inform employees about their conflict management style and personality as it relates to conflict. Generally these assessments have a cost, and following the training, much of the knowledge gained is lost, because managers do not utilize the learning into supervision, appraisals and team meetings. Nevertheless, managers need to take an active role and utilize the learning to identify the employees style of conflict, and to develop a common framework for their team. Ask for the help of a conflict resolution expert, coach or mediator to help integrate conflict management into your organizational processes.

Take Action:  

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) is an assessment tool that can be used to identify the different styles of conflict among staff. The TKI is a self-reported assessment that allows employees to discover whether they are overusing or under using one or more of five conflict- handling modes: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating. By discussing the different conflict styles, employees will begin to frame and define their conflict styles, and relate it to the workplace. Starting with such a framework will help increase knowledge with employees about conflict styles. We’ve developed an easy to read blog with songs to demonstrate each conflict management style.

Note: If your organization has limited funding, contact a mediator or conflict coach in the area who might be able to provide training at a discounted rate.           

Acknowledge and measure on conflict skills:

Managers need to play an active role by identifying, building, and coaching conflict management styles and improved performance with staff. Measurement and indicators are incredibly important to determine growth and opportunity. Managers can utilize assessments, such as TKI to bring to light different conflict-handling modes, and to develop competencies and goals around utilizing the styles. Accountability is important for growth, so the manager should continue to follow through and measure performance. The TKI should be used as a ‘carrot’ as opposed to a ‘stick’. Employees need positive encouragement and coaching/supervision sessions to ensure they are on the right track.

Take Action: 

If the team has gone through a TKI assessment, review individual TKI reports with staff. Engage in a discussion about their thoughts concerning the report, and develop an action plan for growth. The employee must be confident and informed about the items and skills they need to work on. The manager can help develop indicators and goals to measure performance to determine growth. In the event that a TKI assessment is not available, the manager can openly discuss conflict styles in the workplace, and identify general positive or negative challenges that the staff person is facing. Read this blog as a resource.

Making conflict management a strategic priority

In a workplace setting where there is an absence of a positive culture of conflict, it would be difficult for a manager to involve top management to add conflict management as a strategic priority right away. If managers decide to ‘pilot’ a positive conflict culture on their team, there will be positive outcomes and measures that stand out compared to other departments. Making conflict management a goal for a team will result in high performance. Moreover, encouraging and fostering a positive conflict culture that addresses each level of conflict will help contribute to reducing sick days and absenteeism, increase morale, create a vibrant positive culture, and increase efficiency and productivity.  These outcomes will draw attention to the team, and managers will have better evidence for top managers to consider making a conflict management a strategic priority.

Take Action:  

It is important for high performing and positive conflict management teams to lead. Although top management may not initially be receptive to making conflict management a priority, managers have a great opportunity to demonstrate the positive outcomes from their teams that have a strong conflict management approach. Measurement will be an important influencer to making a good argument with top management. In order to ensure that the argument is strong, managers must define conflict on their team, invest in conflict training, acknowledge and measure conflict skills, and make their team stand with their positive outcomes of being a positive conflict team. Check out a list of professionals in your area that may provide conflict resolution training.

Evan - Mediate2go Public Health Blogger

For the past 10 years, Evan Muller-Cheng has worked in a variety of community based and social service settings that ranged from Police Services, Federal and Municipal governments, and non-profits. Evan has a graduate degree from The University of Ottawa in Criminology, and a Master’s of Health Administration at the University of Toronto. Currently, Evan is the Manager of Community Initiatives with Agincourt Community Services Association (ACSA). Specifically, Evan’s portfolio includes overseeing a community centre, food security programming, a Scarborough youth in conflict with the law program, and overseeing over 30 communities based, youth based social enterprise, and a micro grant distribution program. For fun, Evan bikes, cooks and makes everyone smile at ACSA.

Songs about Conflict Management Styles

Songs about Conflict Management Styles

Songs about Conflict Management Styles - Introduction

The conflict management styles are divided into 5 groups that represent different ways of addressing or failing to address conflict. To determine your conflict management style, you need to complete the TKI instrument. To fully understand the conflict management style, see our blog here.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Avoidance

Maroon 5 - Daylight signifies the avoidance conflict management style. Even though someone might understand that conflict issues have not been resolved, they choose to ignore it, or deny the importance of resolving it. This song is all about avoiding conflict for one more night. Read more about avoidance.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Accommodating

Tyler Farr - Suffer In Peace signifies the accomodating conflict management style. Although accommodation might temporarily create a sense of harmony, it is only a short term solution, and might lead to a sense of injustice or suffering, given that someone who accommodates is ignoring their needs. Read more about accomodating.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Competing

Queen's - We Are The Champions signifies the competing conflict management style. Although competition can push us towards excellence, it can also lead to destructive conflict escalation when it comes to interpersonal issues. Read more about competing.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Compromising

Rachel Platten - Fight Song signifies the compromising conflict management style. Although compromise help parties partially resolve their conflict, each person has given up something in order for the parties to reach that point. This means compromise doesn't lead to an ideal outcome. Read more about compromising.

Song about the Conflict Management Style - Collaboration

Cold Play - Let's Talk signifies the collaboration conflict management style. Collaboration is the ideal style in many circumstances, given that both parties can satisfy both of their needs simultaneously. Read more about collaborating.

Conflict Management Styles

Conflict Management Styles

Conflict Management Definition

Conflict management is the process of limiting the negative aspects of conflict while increasing the positive aspects of conflict (Wikipedia). Often, conflict is viewed as negative interactions that are destructive to relationships (read about Why do we stay in destructive relationships?). However, if conflict is managed effectively, it can have a positive impact on people, relationships and conflict can even be good for business.

Conflict Management Styles Blog - Introduction

I'm dealing with a conflict. What should I do?

This is the essential question of any person who is seeking to resolve a conflict in their life.

Most conflicts have numerous possible outcomes.  For most of us, however, it may seem like there is only one choice, or maybe a handful of choices.  Sometimes none of them are very appealing.  For the purposes of this post, I assume mainly that we are talking about interpersonal conflicts, perhaps with friends, co-workers (see also Workplace Conflict), or family members (see also Family Fights), and particularly ones that are non-violent or personally threatening in nature. Please always remember to contact the appropriate authorities if you are in any personal danger. See also, what to do if you are in a destructive relationship.

This blog post is based around the Thomas-Kilmann theory of conflict resolution.  You can read more about it here. Also, check out our blog on Songs about Conflict Management Styles and Songs about Conflict.

Conflict Management Styles - The TKI Model

The conflict management styles are divided into 5 groups that represent different ways of addressing or failing to address conflict. To determine your conflict management style, you need to complete the TKI instrument.

The context can help determine the right strategy to approach, manage and resolve the conflict. However, across situations, you may consider the style of conflict management, such as the styles outlined by the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument. These styles are “Competing (assertive, uncooperative), Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative), Accommodating (unassertive, cooperative), Collaborating (assertive, cooperative), and Compromising (intermediate assertiveness and cooperativeness)” (Wikipedia).

Even if you do not complete the assessment, the styles provide a great deal of insights into the ways people manage conflict. If you do complete the instrument, it is designed to improve your self-awareness in conflict situations.

Over time, people may see their conflict management style change over time or even situation. You might be highly effective at managing conflict with your partner, but have difficulty managing conflict in the workplace. The different styles are not necessarily good or bad, unless you need to balance your styles more appropriately. If you consider yourself a ‘yes man’, then you might be sacrificing your needs over others.

If you don’t change your conflict management style, then your style might lead you feel resentful, or it might even negatively impact your self esteem. Each style has advantages and disadvantages based on the circumstances and the levels of conflict. Some advantages might appear to be negative, but they might be necessary. For example, the competing style might appear to be negative, but might be necessary in cases when you cannot accommodate others in any way, like in matters of personal safety.

If you have a conflict, read about the definition of trust, how to build trust, how to fix a relationship, and the top 10 steps to resolve your conflict.

Conflict Management Style - Avoidance

A first step in any conflict can just be to confront the binary of action versus inaction.  Avoidance is one method of conflict management.  There may be times when avoidance is the most appropriate solution.  This may apply in “pick your battles”- type situations, such as where another person is posturing or being antagonistic for reasons or results that ultimately will not affect you. If we assume, however, that the other parties have a meaningful relationship with you, avoiding a problem between you is not typically a great idea.  Sometimes it leads to the problem festering, or blaming each other, especially if no one takes responsibility (see also Self-Leadership in Conflict Resolution). The results can be harmful and damaging (see also Conflict Escalation).

Considering that avoidance typically requires the least physical or mental effort, it is easy to allow avoidance to set in unconsciously.  If there is a particular issue that needs to be addressed, ask yourself how long it has gone unaddressed.  Is there anything in particular you are waiting on? Is it possible to take control of the situation, or do you require additional input? Do you need the help of a conflict coach to try to better understand the situation? Is it a matter of not wanting to move forward (see also How to Move On), or a matter of truly not being able to? If the latter, could it ever get to the point of being addressable or resolvable?

Finally, even if the proper solution to a conflict is avoidance, it may be helpful to reconcile with yourself why this is the case.  Perhaps you need to tell yourself once-and-for-all that it isn’t worth worrying about, and thus the problem can be left in the past. In other words, you need to set some interpersonal and personal boundaries to resolve conflict. Perhaps this may mean signaling this to others: “I’m sorry, but really don’t feel this is my responsibility.”; “I am not willing to move ahead with this.”  Acknowledging to yourself that this is an appropriate solution may also help you move past the conflict.

Conflict Management Style - Accommodating

When you accommodate someone else, you give in and allow the other party to have their way. By definition, it involves some sort of forfeiture of your position (see also Negotiation Defined). This is not necessarily a bad thing, and, like avoiding, accommodation can be of practical use. Think carefully about whether this matter is a battle worth fighting.  One upside may be that you can maintain a relationship with someone who cares far more about the conflict than you do, or who may perceive the matter to be more important than you do.

Downsides can include feelings of resentment or dislike towards the other party.  Also, if accommodation is your go-to tactic, you run the risk of being taken advantage of over a longer period or for a series of conflicts with the same person.  If the stakes in the conflict are very high from your perspective, accommodating and admitting defeat is likely not a good idea.

Conflict Management Style - Competing

A competitive stance is the opposite of accommodation, where you refuse to give in. This is a good style to use when the issue is very important to you and when the outcome is significant.  A good example might be enforcing your legal rights if someone has harmed you or rather obviously broken an agreement (See Contract Negotiation Tips).

Being overly competitive has its risks as well. It could earn you or your organization a reputation for being uncooperative or petty.  Insisting on a competitive stance can also lead to Pyrrhic victories, where the cost of “winning” is so great that no real benefit is obtained for anyone.

Conflict Management Style - Compromising

A compromise necessarily entails the parties’ failing to fulfill what they each truly want, and instead forego some aspects of their intended result to appease the other.  This can be viewed as a partial loss from the perspective of both sides.  It can be appropriate when more time or information is needed to reach a final resolution, when there is no reasonable prospect of collaboration, or when the two parties cannot agree and yet must work together.

The problem with compromising is that it can become a crutch, an easy-way to (perhaps begrudgingly) move forward without considering better options. Parties that find themselves continuously compromising should beware of developing this habit. It can also lead to the parties repeatedly misleading others (or even themselves) about their true expectations or needs, because they count on being let down.

Conflict Management Style - Collaboration

Collaboration is in many cases a desirable outcome.  It results in “win-win” scenarios and can help all parties move forward content. It can also potentially lead to creative solutions that neither side had considered before.  Sometimes, the whole is worth more than the sum of its parts.

Dangers with collaboration include the fact that the parties typically must trust each other enough to reach out and share the burden of the conflict (see How to Build Trust).  This may not even be possible if, for example, there is a duty of confidentiality owed to someone involved.  There also may not be enough time or resources available for this method to be practical.

Conflict Management Style - Conclusion

These are the five general styles of the Thomas-Killmann model.  Note that any of these styles can shift into the other modes depending on circumstances. 

Dan Lawlor - Mediate2go Editor and Blogger

Dan Lawlor is a Mediate to Go Blogger focused on estates and commercial dispute resolution. Dan is a graduate of McGill University's Faculty of Law with interests in conflict resolution, business law and writing. He played an important role as a director with Mediation at McGill, building connections with the community to improve outreach. Currently he is an Associate Lawyer with Campbell Mihailovich Uggenti LLP in Hamilton, Ontario. Dan loves team sports, reading, and traveling.