Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips
Introduction to Resolving Conflict in Families
Conflict resolution has a basis in many
disciplines, including psychology, mediation, communication, human relations and even law.
In this blog, we will look at conflict resolution in the family from a
communications perspective. Communication may both trigger conflict in the
family and be a means of resolving fights that go bad. Be sure to check out our other blog on conflict resolution in the family, entitled Family Fights & Fighting Fair: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict.
In J. Rothwell’s text on Communicating in
Small Groups and Teams, he looks at how to shape groups within the work
context. We will look at the family as a group, and how you can help influence
your family to become more supportive, which will help reduce the likelihood of
family members being triggered into conflict, and help increase the chances of
resolving conflict with and within your family. No one wants to be in a home
with escalating
conflict, so read more to learn some theory and techniques to help you resolve
conflict in your family.
Conflict Communication in Families
The above text referred to Jack Gibb, who
found patterns of communication that can end up leading to conflict.
Specifically, he identified patterns of communication that instigate or
decrease defensiveness. Defensiveness has been defined as “a reaction to a
perceived attack on our self-concept and self-esteem”. See more information
about defensiveness on our blog entitled Ending
Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships.
Defensiveness goes to the root of how we feel about ourselves (see our
blog on How
to Be Self Confident) and how we relate to others. The more
defensiveness we feel (both in ourselves and from others), the more conflict we
will experience.
The Goal is to have a Conflict Resolution Family
Instead of allowing defensiveness to take
precedence in our family relationships, we need to foster supportive
communication patterns, which invite cooperation.
1. Do Describe Positively; Do Not Evaluate Negatively
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
Helen Keller
Some cultures focus on blaming individual’s
rather than taking group-responsibility – such is the case here in North
America. This culture of blame might even be worse with what has been described
as Online
shaming: the return of mob morality.
On the contrary, some aboriginal cultures, for
example, believe that transgressions by an individual must be addressed with
the entire community taking some responsibility (see our blog on Restorative
Justice Principles).
In the family setting,
it’s easier to blame someone else when we make a mistake than it is to take
responsibility. It might be easier to blame someone else as we might be
reacting in anger
or we may feel embarrassment for what we did and may simply not be ready to take
responsibility. The danger with this is that it can create a more hostile and
unsupportive environment that will in turn lead to more blame and negativity.
This behaviour will only backfire when you later become the recipient of it. The
research mentioned in the above text focuses more on workplace environments,
but it could be applied equally to families – the more we negatively evaluate
others, the more defensiveness that results.
Alternatively,
describe family members positively, including with praise, recognition and
flattery. If you need to address behaviour that did not work for you, or made
you uncomfortable, follow these ideas:
- Use “I feel” messages, or at the least, messages from your perspective and not others
- Describe behaviours in a neutral and specific manner, avoiding generalizations
- Avoid disguised insults (ie. I feel like you are a bad husband or I feel like you hate me)
2. Do be a Problem Solver with others; Do not be Controlling
“He who agrees against his will, is of the same opinion still”
Samuel Butler
When we tell people
what to do, it is likely to lead to the 4 R’s: resistance, resentment,
retaliation and revenge. The 4 R’s may have an undercurrent of what is called
Psychological Reactance, being “the more someone tries to control us by telling
us what to do, the more we are inclined to resist such efforts, or even do the
opposite”.
To prevent a defensive
family environment, we need to focus on cooperatively solving problems rather
than controlling others. A great way of doing this is by following the steps in
our blog entitled Constructive
Confrontation.
3. Do have Empathy, Do not be Indifferent
Empathy begins with understanding life from another person's perspective. Nobody has an objective experience of reality. It's all through our own individual prisms.
Sterling K. Brown
We are indifferent
with family when we simply don’t care what they have to say. We might be
looking at them when the speak, but we might not be reflecting or thinking
about what they are actually saying. When we do not acknowledge someone else’s
communication, we are said to have an impervious response (see Sieberg and
Larson, 1971 cited in the above text).
Instead of being
indifferent, we must show empathy to our family members, which means showing
true care and concern for them. Rothwell’s text emphasizes the importance of
trying to see the other people’s perspectives and to act accordingly. This is
likely to create a more supportive environment, where conflict is less likely
to occur, and more conflict resolution is possible.
4. Do treat others as Equals; Do not act Superior
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.
Ellen DeGeneres
Hopefully, these types
of attitudes are not happening in your family, or you may be in a destructive
relationship. However, one way that it might be more possible to see this
superiority problem, is in how parents may treat kids as being inexperienced or
unknowledgeable due to their age. Acting superior to your children might lead
to resentment, and may decrease communication with them. Even if there are many
things you may still need to teach them, communicate with them showing trust in
their competence. Who knows, they might even surprise you!
5. Do use Provisionalism; Do not use Absolutes
Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness.
Khalil Gibran
Have you ever been
with someone who tells you something that they believe to be true, but you have
more information to invalidate their version of the truth? When we speak with
complete certainty, we might instigate defensiveness in others. Another example
is speaking with a relative who completely dismisses other’s perspectives,
treating them as stupid. We know that someone is speaking in absolutes when
they use the terms always, impossible, never or forever.
Alternatively, we
might want to consider (see, we are using provisionalism in this statement)
qualifying statements with possibly, perhaps, maybe, etc. Through provisionalism, we can side-step struggles to
win in an argument. When we give freedom for other people to have a valid and
valuable perspective, we can lessen the chances of defensiveness, and create a
more supportive environment for communicating effectively, and resolving
conflict.
Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication
Conclusion of Resolving Conflict in families
The big lesson here: avoid doing stuff that will frustrate and anger people! Defensiveness will lead to more defensiveness, and will escalate conflict.
We hope that this blog
provides you with some ideas to prevent conflict in your family so that it does
not happen in the first place. Family fights can have a big impact on you and the other members of your family. If you already experience high conflict in your
family, try to shift patterns from defensive to supportive. Be sure to see our
other blogs to address conflict in your family.
Conflict Resolution Family - 5 Tips to Supportive Communication |