Thursday, February 5, 2015

Conflict Escalation - Easy steps to manage and resolve your conflicts.

Conflict Escalation - Easy steps to manage and resolve your conflicts.


Mediate to Go: Conflict can escalate easily if we don't address it appropriately.

Blog on Conflict Escalation


This blog is about the conflict process model by Morton Deutsch. His work, also known to some as the conflict escalation model or used as a conflict diagnostic model, can help parties learn more about the conflict escalation process and what one can do to increase the likelihood of effective conflict resolution and conflict management

Introduction to Conflict Escalation


In order to effectively manage conflict , one must better understand the dynamics of conflict escalation. Conflict can be a normal and healthy part of any relationship.  Workplace conflict, if managed effectively, can be good for business.  Differences in perceptions can improve problem-solving and increase innovation. Personal conflicts, such as conflict in the family, can help people determine their values and ask for what they need. In order for conflict to be a positive thing, one must manage the process of conflict so that it does not lead to conflict escalation.

What is conflict escalation?

Morton Deutsch, a pivotal leader in the field of conflict resolution, psychology and education described conflict escalation in detail. In his view, conflict at times may become destructive,  ”by a tendency to expand and escalate”. Conflict escalation is a negative process of conflict.
Deutsch stated,


The tendency to escalate conflict results from the conjunction of three interrelated processes:

1.     Competitive processes involved in the attempt to win the conflict;

2.     Processes of misperception and biased perception; and

3.     Processes of commitment arising out of the pressures for cognitive and social consistency. These processes give rise to a mutually reinforcing cycle of relations that generate actions and reactions that intensify the conflict. (direct quote, p. 352)

Limiting conflict escalation?

Other processes may have the effect of limiting conflict escalation. However, if they are weak, conflict may escalate. Other processes that might lead to conflict escalation if they are weak include:



4.     The number and strength of the existing cooperatives bonds;

5.     Cross cutting identifications;

6.     Common allegiances and memberships among the conflicting parties;

7.     The existence of values, institutions, procedures, and groups that are organized to help limit and regulate conflict; and

8.     The salience and significance of the costs of intensifying conflict. (direct quote, p. 352)



Unfortunately, ”Even if [these] are strong, misjudgment and the pressures arising out of tendencies to be rigidly self-consistent may make it difficult to keep a competitive conflict encapsulated.” (p.352) In sum, limiting conflict escalation requires a great deal of effort for mediators, conflict coaches, and parties facing conflict. One basic way of stopping conflict escalation is through ending blame and defensiveness.

Process of Conflict


Destructive process of conflict


Conflict, if not managed effectively, leads to a process of conflict that is destructive. Some destructive conflict is also characteristic in destructive relationships and revenge. Deutsch stated the following characteristics of the processes of conflict when it becomes destructive,



  • The initial cause of the conflict is forgotten or becomes irrelevant;
  • The issues expand in size and number;
  • More people become involved in the conflict;
  • The precedents and principles which appear to be bad issue increase;
  • Parties are willing to absorb a higher cost;
  • Negative attitudes towards the other side are intensified;
  • Parties rely more on power, and “upon the tactics of threats, coercion, and deception”. (direct quote, p. 352-3)

Constructive process of conflict


An ideal process of conflict resolution involves the use of ”Persuasion and from the tactics of conciliation, minimization of differences, and enhancement of mutual understanding and goodwill.” (p.352) These there just a few ways to move constructive conflicts from escalation to resolution.



For Deutsch and others in the field of conflict resolution, constructive processes of conflict resolution we’re based on three key features; creative thinking, cooperative problem-solving, benevolent misperception and cooperative commitment. (p. 360-365)

Creative thinking


“[O]ne of the creative functions of conflict resides in its ability to arouse motivation to solve a problem that might otherwise go unattended.” (p. 361) In order to facilitate creative reactions to problems requires that people do not feel in anyway threatened and they are tolerant of ambiguity and open the unknown. (361) 

In order to increase the possibility of a constructive process of conflict resolution, we must create a safe space and help ourselves and others feel motivated to address the conflict. Mediators and conflict coaches must constantly ensure that parties feel safe and comfortable, as a means of improving creative outcomes to a conflict – hence,  a major benefit of using mediation services.

Cooperative problem-solving


“In a cooperative context, the conflict can be viewed as a common problem in which the conflicting parties have the joint interest of reaching a mutually satisfactory solution.” (p. 363-4) Cooperation has many positive impacts that can lead to a more constructive process of conflict resolution. Deutsche found the following:


·      Open communication is facilitated between the parties which increases the exchange of information, helping parties address the real issues of the conflict;

·      Each side is recognized as having legitimate interests and the need to find a solution that addresses these;

·      Trust and friendliness improves, which helps parties be sensitive to their similarities and shared concerns and downplays their differences. (p. 363-4)

Benevolent misperception


“Cooperation tends to minimize differences and enhances the perception of the others' benevolence.” This means, if parties are overall more cooperative, they’re more likely to see the other person as having good intentions. Deutsche also mentioned some shortcomings of this, if parties do not address all of their issues.  However, benevolent misperception can increase the likelihood of cooperative conflict resolution. As a result, we recommend facilitating a cooperative environment, be it in a professional or personal context.

Cooperative commitment


For better in some cases, ”[p]ast investments, already established facilities, procedures and institutions, Obligations to third parties, and situational pressures may operate to bind one to a cooperative relationship.” (p. 364) This means that ”[t]he bonds of a cooperative relationship maybe cemented in loyalty, obligation, conformity, guilt, or convenience as well as in personal attachment and personal gain.” (p. 365)



The question then becomes, does the end justify the means? It seems that more adversarial forms of negotiation (see also negotiation tactics) would tend to use some of these means to encourage the resolution of the conflict. However, if parties are not fully motivated to abide by the resolution, or their feelings of loyalty, attachment, guilt or notions of personal gain change, the resolution might be at risk. As conflict resolution experts, we recommend that parties do their best to address the root of the issues at hand to prevent social conflict escalation and a stalemate.

Conflict management and conflict resolution

Taking self-leadership in conflict situations also means learning about conflict escalation and how to reduce the likelihood of fights going bad - destructive conflict. 

Mediate2go: Don't escalate conflict - be a self-leader

You might ask yourself, what is destructive conflict at home or what is destructive conflict at work, and how can it be resolved?



To effectively manage or resolve a conflict, one must do their best to prevent the conflict from escalating. The conflict escalation process can decrease the likelihood of parties finding a means of collaborating and resolving their shared issues together. In some ways, addressing the stages of a conflict through addressing the conflict escalation process is a way to resolve conflict in itself.


What does this mean for you? You need to know how to manage conflicts at work? How to address the conflict within your family?  Here are some recommendations;






Deutsch, M. 1973. Conflicts: Productive and destructive. In Conflict resolution through communication, edited by F. E. Jandt. New York: Harper & Row. 

Some links on conflict escalation:
U of Oregon



Keywords: Conflict de escalation, de escalating conflict, it escalation process,



Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships


Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships 

(How to Have the Shortest Argument ever)

“We always fight over the dumbest little things”
“I don’t even remember how it started”
“My husband blames me for everything”
“My wife blames me for everything that goes wrong”
This blog is about blame in relationships

Mediate to Go - Ending Blame and Defensiveness in Relationships
Blame should not be placed in any of the above baskets. Learn how to end blame and defensiveness.

Introduction to Blame and Defensiveness

Often, conflicts over something very small are then fuelled by blame and defensiveness and blow up into a full-blown argument. The original problem gets lost because we have added so many layers of blame and defensiveness that we are arguing about the way we argue, rather than what actually happened. Why do we feel the need to blame someone else or search for someone to blame?  It’s time to stop pointing the finger of blame, and time to shift blame into something positive. Let’s stop blame!

Definition of Blame

Blame means  “to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.)” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for blame include repudiation, criticism, accusation, attack, charge, chiding, complaint. (Thesaurus.com).

Definition of Defensiveness

Defensiveness is to be “excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings” (Dictionary.com). Synonyms for defensiveness include averting, preventive, thwarting, coping with, defending, safeguarding, in opposition (Thesaurus.com).

What you need to know about blame and defensiveness

First, let’s be clear that really small things are not worth talking about at all, and we can learn to have compassion for our partner’s imperfection and let those little things go. This blog about fixing relationships by sorting things into baskets can help you decide if something is worth bringing up.

Once you’ve decided to bring up an issue, how you do it is important. These are bad starters:  “You always…”, “You never…” “I’m sick and tired of…” “Would you just stop…”.  Approaching someone with blame and generalizations or telling them what to do (or not to do) invites defensiveness. When we feel attacked, it’s human instinct to defend ourselves. So, the first step to stopping defensiveness is to not blame.

Steps to address blame and defensiveness.

1.  Try a Preamble to reduce defensiveness:

·      “This is a small thing…”
·      “This is a 1 on the scale…”
·      “I’m not upset with you…”
·      “I don’t need you to do anything differently…”
·      “Please only hear me. You don’t need to respond…”
·      “I know it wasn’t your intention to come across this way…”

2.  Deliver a short explanation of The Issue:  

The goal is to give information about how you respond to something your partner does.  Make the delivery short and sweet.

·      I was embarrassed when you told that racial joke in front of Emma”
·      “When you keep forgetting to pick up my dry cleaning, I feel like what I want doesn’t matter.”
·      “When you aren’t ready and I want to leave I feel frustrated that I’m made to be late”
·      “When you roll your eyes and speak in that tone, I feel two years old”.

3.  Try to END IT THERE!  

Expect no response. Leave. Give your partner time to absorb it. Get in the habit of ending the delivery right there so defensives can’t creep in.  If they get defensive, try:

·      “I’m not sure you’re hearing me. Remember I don’t need you to feel badly…just to understand.”

4. The Time to EXPLAIN is LATER! 

Often, the urge to defend ourselves is simply us wanting our partner to know that our intent was not to hurt them. BUT there should be at least enough time in between the delivery and the explanation to assure the partner that they are understood. It’s certainly okay to reassure someone you had no ill intent. The problem is that if it happens too soon, it comes across as defensiveness.

Putting a space in between the delivery and the defense can help keep little things from blowing up into big ones.   

About the Author – Ending Blame and Defensiveness


Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Further listening – songs about blame.


Check out the Mediate2go Top 10 lists about conflict. One of the songs deals with blame.

Further reading - more quotes on blame.

A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit.
Arnold H. Glasow
Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations.
Tom Brady
A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.
John Burroughs
I think it's very important that you make your own decision about what you are. Therefore you're responsible for your actions, so you don't blame other people.
Prince William



Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dealing with Rejection - How to Overcome Rejection


Dealing with Rejection

This blog is about rejection. How to deal with rejection, rejection quotes, fear of rejection quotes, fear of rejection and a fear of rejection phobia, the definition of rejection, rejection synonyms, how to handle job rejection, social rejection, family rejection and more. 
 
Dealing with Rejection - letting go of the past.

Definition of rejection. 

To reject something is “to refuse to have, take, recognize”, “to refuse to accept (someone or something)”, “to discard as useless or unsatisfactory” or “to cast out…” (Dictionary.com). Synomyms for rejection include to “deny, decline, cast out, dismiss, repel, discard, pass on, eliminate, shoot down, exclude, shun, throw away or throw out.” Words that conjure feelings of pain.



The opposite of rejection, or the antonyms for rejection, are to accept, admit, welcome, praise, agree, admire, take on, allow, attract, trust, approve, believe, choose, grant, include, ratify, keep, okay or like (Thesaurus.com). These antonyms remind us what we are motivated by - to be accepted and to belong.

The fear of rejection and being rejected.


Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.
Harvey Mackay 
Many people fear rejection. In many ways, this is normal. Taking into account the above definition, rejection implies that the person or object being cast aside is imperfect in some way. This means that our fear of rejection might be based on our worry that we are imperfect and/or not good enough.



In addition, the fear of rejection might be based on a fear that one of our fundamental human needs might not be met. According to the article The need to belong: desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation, humans “…form social attachments readily under most conditions and resist the dissolution of existing bonds.” In fact, “Lack of attachment is linked to a variety of ill effects on health, adjustment, and well-being” (The need to belong). If this is the case, it makes sense that people would naturally aim to avoid and even fear rejection. Such a motivation to belong guides our behaviour in ways in which we are unaware. 

“Human beings are fundamentally and pervasively motivated by a need to belong, that is, by a strong desire to form and maintain enduring interpersonal attachments […] within the context of long-term, caring relationships” (The need to belong). If this need is so fundamental to humanity, the fear of rejection seems to be naturally occurring.

How to overcome fear of rejection

Dealing with Rejection - letting go of the past.

I got rejected. Now what? 

The next question is, how to handle rejection and dealing with rejection in love. Did you get rejected by a guy? Feeling constantly rejected? Some might say “I reject your reality and substitute my own” as a means of going forward. The key to remember is that you are not a reject. Remember, rejection is not always a bad thing. Rejection might be an indicator that we need to belong. Thus, rejection might lead us to decide to move on to other relationships where we may satisfy our need to belong.

Rejection and Anger. How do you overcome anger and fear of rejection?


It’s normal to be angry about being rejected. Read about how to manage your anger and then come back to this blog about rejection.

My mediation or conflict coaching client has been rejected. Now what?


As a mediator or conflict coach, we often have clients that are rejected for some reason.  Maybe they experienced rejection in marriage, or maybe it relates to a conflict at work – they received a job rejection email when they felt like they deserved the position, or they received a rejection letter. Similar to our view that conflict can be an opportunity for positive change, rejection can also be an opportunity for change.



We need to help our clients resolve their issues, which might imply that we direct them to resources that can help them face rejection. Maybe they need therapy, if they are dealing with emotional rejection, a phobia of rejection, or if they need an expert on the psychology of rejection.



If they are already seeing an expert and/or therapist, then remember the above antonyms for rejection. How can you help your clients feel accepted, and feel hopeful that everything will work out for them. What is their inner motivation, and how can they communicate this to another person? Awareness of this human motivation is key – the need to belong. Read more about revenge, as this might be a common desire after rejection for our mediation clients. In addition, read about Self-Leadership in conflict, and learn about how to teach your clients to take leadership in their situation to make things better. With the assistance of a therapist, conflict coach and/or mediator, clients might better face the issues surrounding rejection.



In addition, you should recommend this resource on building confidence. Rejection is hard to take, but is normal, and can be faced with increased confidence.

How to deal with rejection in love.


Have you been rejected by a girl? How to deal with rejection from a guy? It’s not easy, but first, remember that it’s normal. You should remind yourself that it’s better to have tried. Learn about how to be confident and be kind to yourself.

Quotes about rejection


Also, remember these quotes about rejection:

You have people come into your life shockingly and surprisingly. You have losses that you never thought you'd experience. You have rejection and you have learn how to deal with that and how to get up the next day and go on with it.
Taylor Swift

The biggest hurdle is rejection. Any business you start, be ready for it. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is the successful people do all the things the unsuccessful people don't want to do. When 10 doors are slammed in your face, go to door number 11 enthusiastically, with a smile on your face.
John Paul DeJoria

We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don't. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success.
Henry Rollins

How to deal with job rejection.

A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.
Bo Bennett

The rejection that we all take and the sadness and the aggravation and the loss of jobs and all of the things that we live through in our lives, without a sense of humor, I don't know how people make it.
Marlo Thomas

Keep trying for the job. Don’t give up. Ask for feedback and keep moving forward. Also, build your confidence so that you can focus on the positive aspects of rejection to move on. If you are a lawyer looking for an alternative career, an aspiring mediator or conflict coach, learn about alternative legal careers, how to become a mediator and jobs about mediation.

Social rejection


Breaking up is the hardest thing we do. It's the most important thing we do, in a way. You've got to embrace rejection, or you'll maintain a very limited life. It'll be very nice and neat - and very, very small.
Laurie Helgoe

If you feel constantly rejected in society, seek the help of a therapist to figure out what is going on. It’s not you, but maybe there are patterns of thinking that are holding you back from having healthy relationships that are satisfying your needs. Seek the advice of a therapist to build your confidence and move on with your life.

Parental rejection. Rejected children. Family Rejection.


People might carry baggage with them. If you are someone you know is dealing with parental or familial rejection, seek the help of a therapist. If you are a mediator and children feel rejected by a parent, it’s also important to seek the help of a therapist so that the children are not affected negatively.

How to deal with a rejected stalker. Rejected stalkers

Are you uncomfortable? If you have had an ex-partner that doesn’t respect your boundaries, read about being uncomfortable and setting boundaries. You might also need the help of law enforcement, so seek help from a local police department. If you are in a destructive relationship, be sure to read more and get the help of a local center specialized in escaping these types of relationships.

Marriage proposal rejection


How to deal with rejection and how to deal with a fear of rejection? When it comes to a marriage proposal being rejected, we can feel extremely hurt and embarrassed. We don’t want to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, so should we stay or should we go? Maybe you should take some time to decide whether it is a good idea to choose therapy, or choose divorce and mediation.

Overcoming rejection


How to overcome rejection? At the start of this article, we discussed different ways of defining rejection and antonyms for this painful experience of being rejected. In the above recommendations, we provided advice on dealing with rejection based on the specific area that one faces. What you need to remember is that rejection happens to the most wonderful of people. Don’t give up. Seek the assistance of a conflict coach or mediator if your rejection also relates to a conflict. If the rejection relates to your level of confidence and personal relationships, also seek the advice of a therapist.

Be sure to leave your comments, questions and ideas below. Thanks!

 

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