Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce has advantages over fighting in court

Is there such a thing as friendly divorce? We think so. This blog is about how you can move past revenge towards a friendly divorce.

Mediate2go: Top 10 Songs about Divorce

If you are experiencing a divorce, check out our blog on the Top 10 Songs about Divorce and Top 10 Songs about Conflict. In addition, if you haven’t decided if you should divorce or not, read this blog about choosing whether to divorce and mediate.

Introduction to Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce satisfies needs

Family mediation is one of the most popular forms of amicable divorce available to parties. Amicable divorce provides a means to prevent what some people label as the problematic approach of family litigation. For many, family litigation is inflexible and fails to satisfy parties’ true needs. “In comparison with more formal, legal and adversarial processes, [family] mediation is characterized by an informality and mutuality that can reduce both the economic and emotional costs of dispute settlement.[1]”

Amicable divorce is flexible

Mediation is often more appropriate than litigation, given that parties are not required to follow a strict set of rules, and parties achieve emotionally satisfying results because the process has been designed to satisfy these unique needs. Amicable divorce still takes into account and must respect legislation and regulations that guide family law, but provides increased flexibility to parties to come to an amicable solution.

Differing views on amicable divorce

Some people have questioned the benefits of amicable divorce, some calling it “the good divorce myth”. In a news article from 2014, the DailyMail noted a study that questioned whether mitigating family conflict had any improved impact on children (see Amicable Divorce). Specifically, they stated that divorcing couples that try to remain friends to help their children would have little positive impact as a result of this strategy. On the contrary, much research has been done that encourages parties to reduce the level of destructive conflict between one another to benefit their children. This research, which encourages conflict resolution, does not state that couples breaking up must be friends per se; rather, but rather they must reduce the level of conflict (see also conflict escalation).

Benefits of amicable divorce and family mediation with songs

Amicable divorce helps you take care of yourself – Divorce can be one of the most difficult times for a family unit to endure. When you are kind to yourself as a divorcing parent, you will be more effective at managing yourself on a daily basis through this crisis. Family mediation provides a way for you to peacefully resolve your marriage break-up so that you may better satisfy your needs. The court system and family litigation process is not designed to help you take care of yourself.

Amicable divorce helps you learn how to address conflict – Through participating in an amicable divorce process, you may learn new skills to address conflict in your relationship with your ex, in addition to your relationships with other people. The skills you practice in an amicable divorce can help you address issues in the future. Read more about the benefits of Alternative Dispute Resolution.

Amicable divorce helps you find happiness and change – “if your marriage fails, you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, hurt, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams” (CMHA). Amicable divorce might increase the chances that you can again, satisfy your deeper needs and interests. Instead of focusing your energy on competition, arguing and fighting with your ex, amicable divorce through family mediation allows you to quickly find a way to move on.

Amicable divorce helps you prevent emotional turbulence for your children – “During a divorce, parents can do a lot to ease the child’s transition. As a divorcing parent, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems” (APA). Through amicable divorce, your children are less likely to be exposed to on-going, damaging conflict. Check out our detailed blog about managing and coping with divorce effectively when children are in the picture.

What does amicable divorce look like?

Family mediation 

Parties request the help of a neutral third party known as a mediator. The mediator works with each party to identify and clarify their deeper needs during a pre-mediation session. The second part of the process is the actual mediation, where the neutral third party helps parties identify shared concerns, exchange information, brainstorm solutions and come to an agreement. Read more about the benefits of mediation services and how ADR can help. Do you want to try it out? Find a mediator.

Collaborative law

In this process, parties would each retain the services of a collaborative lawyer. The lawyers would do their best to help parties achieve an out-of-court agreement. Failing this, the parties would be required to retain other lawyers, so as to encourage the collaborative lawyers come to an amicable solution. 

Conclusion – Amicable Divorce

Overall, amicable divorce will help you get better results than you might expect from court (in many cases). Family mediation “has produced better-quality results for both children and parents than litigated rulings.[2]” The goal of amicable divorce is to satisfy parties in many ways.

Mediation has the goal of ensuring that the parties’ human needs are met and goals achieved.[3] In this view, mediation aims to reduce the pain that parties experience as a result of intractable conflict. The mechanics of the flexible and informal mediation process help parties reduce the emotional and economic burdens of parties in dispute and the use of public resources to settle these disputes through the court.[4]

If you are faced with divorce or separation, consider trying a different approach. In the end, you are likely to save money, time and also your relationships. 

 

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[1] The Promise of Mediation

[2] The Promise of Mediation

[3] The Promise of Mediation

[4] The Promise of Mediation

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014

Also see our blog on the Top 10 songs about conflict – 2014.

Top 10 Songs about Divorce - 2014 - Find a mediator

1)     Justin Bieber - Where Are U Now

This song says a lot about divorce. The person who leaves the relationship often has days, weeks or months to prepare to leave the relationship. In this song, Justin Bieber talks about how he “gave [his ex] faith, turned [her] doubt into hoping.” This may be a normal reaction for a spouse who did not initiate the separation or divorce. While ‘the initiating’ partner has ample time to process the emotional pain of the end of the relationship, the remaining partner has yet to go through this difficult grieving process.

Couples should seek the help of a therapist, especially if they have children. They can also talk to their mediator about options, and whether they feel that they are ready to go through a family mediation process. Some people prefer the more amicable divorce process of alternative dispute resolution to more expensive family litigation processes.

2)     Ariana Grande - One Last Time

This song is about adultery and moving on. Sometimes relationships end due to adultery. The partner who committed adultery might seek forgiveness and another chance to fix the relationship, even if the other person has moved on (see letting go of the past). This song shows how someone might want to continue trying, even if it is only for the short term. This is part of the grieving process – denial. Even if you “take the person home” [get back together with your ex], you are likely to feel more pain. If you are in this situation, be careful to not stay in a destructive relationship.

3)     Andy Grammer - Honey, I'm Good.

This song is about loyalty, staying true to your partner and preventing divorce. Unfortunately, many relationships end due to infidelity – which is what the lyrics, in some ways, try to prevent. “Trying to stay true” translates to fidelity. If you have made a mistake, you can always learn how to fix a relationship – what to talk about or whether to choose divorce or family mediation.

4)     Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband

This song is about expectations and fighting fair in relationships. We might have idealistic views and impose our desires of our partner. If our expectations are not realistic, we may eventually seek divorce or separation. Why does divorce happen? Usually, it’s not about the smaller things, like not “buying groceries” or “seeing your family more than mine”. Couples often divorce because one partner has been resenting feeling lonely, or they have not succeeded in resolving conflict effectively (see the blog on why couples divorce).

The song also discusses the need to “Just apologize” “After every fight”. While Meghan Trainor asks for an apology even if she is wrong, it shows the importance of resolving conflict effectively in relationships and fighting fair. It’s important to avoid blame and the desire for revenge. The same goes for the divorce process - parties should seek mediation services to fight fair (Family Fights: How to Peacefully Resolve Conflict).

5)     B**** Better Have My Money (Rihanna)

The song is about conflict escalation and divorce settlements. It represents the nasty side of divorce when parties choose to go to court rather than to mediate (and use ADR). Rhianna takes an aggressive and exaggerated approach to getting her money. Even if the money is owed after a divorce, an aggressive approach is likely to backfire. We recommend that parties try mediation, because mediation offers various benefits that encourage parties to jointly resolve issues together, saving them time, money and frustration (see Benefits of Mediation).

6)     Florida Georgie Line – Sippin’ on Fire

This is another song about cheating. Florida Georgie Line speaks about the passion and desire of the human heart, and the unfortunate realities of people going “round the truth” – meaning: continuing an extra-marital relationship without deciding whether to stay in the relationship or to leave the relationship.  The song says “Every goodbye is bittersweet, So why should we fight what we both need?”

Often, individuals in relationships have sexual desires, but they do not feel at ease or know how to be honest and open with their partner. They avoid the confrontation and fail to seek the help of a marriage therapist to facilitate communicating their needs and working through their feelings. Instead, they continue the affair, which usually leads to divorce or a destructive relationship.

7)     Nick Jonas – Chains

This song is about being in a destructive relationship. Let’s face it, some marriages should never have started, let alone continue for years. This song is about being comfortable with discomfort, and staying in a relationship that keeps us in “chains”. If you are in a destructive relationship, read about it and seek help from someone who cares about you or a marriage therapist.

8)     Sia – Elastic Heart

This song is about moving on. No matter the challenge you face during divorce, you are resilient and can face any challenge with the right amount of support. Even if your partner leaves you, you are not broken. As Sia says, continue to “fight for peace”. This song encourages adaptability in times of change, extreme pain, and grief.

9)     Rachel Platten – Fight song

This song is all about gaining self-confidence after a difficult and destructive conflict. Rachel discusses a more adversarial approach to conflict “with power’s turned on”. Although the lyrics are positive in many ways, (“starting right now I’ll be strong”) a more aggressive approach to divorce might lead to further conflict escalation. This isn’t to say that confidence is a bad thing. We all need confidence, especially after divorce or separation. Use this song to motivate yourself to move on, but still try mediation services to ensure that everyone’s interests are met.

10)   Pharrel Williams - Happy

This song signifies the goals of alternative dispute resolution and amicable divorce –to help parties resolve their conflict, move on and feel happy again. Life is too short to dwell on the past. Happiness is to be felt by parents and children alike. If you are able to focus your energy on finding a new and effective way to communicate with your divorced partner, you are more likely to feel happy in your new life. In addition, your children will have an easier time adapting to this new familial reality. There are many benefits to mediation services, so what’s the harm of trying it out?

Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators

Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators and Conflict Coaches

Mediate2go: Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators

What are boundaries in conflict resolution

Similar to boundaries between nations or property, interpersonal and professional boundaries have many benefits. Boundaries in mediation, conflict coaching and conflict resolution in general can:

• Help our clients resolve conflict (see setting boundaries to resolve conflict)
• Help us define our own limits
• Help us know when our limits have been passed or violated
• Help others understand our limits and ensure that they respect them
• Help us maintain power and take responsibility for what we are responsible
• Encourage others to take responsibility for what they are responsible
• Encourage stability in relationships
• Provide a way for parties to learn to trust one another
• Ensure safety is protected

All of these apply in the context of conflict resolution. Boundaries benefit both client and professional. Without boundaries, we are simply other people in the lives of our clients. We might think we are helping, but we are not necessarily encouraging a change in patterns based on the needs of the client. If we expect our clients to be self-leaders in conflict, we need to be self-leaders when helping our clients in conflict.

What are the levels and types of boundaries?

Mediate2go: Managing Ourselves in Mediation: Boundaries for Mediators

• Personal - boundaries related to your personal needs
• Professional - boundaries related to your professional obligations and reputation
• Social - boundaries related to social norms
• Organizational - boundaries related to organization requriements, policies and procedures
• Legal - boundaries related to legal obligations
• Community - boundaries related to community and cultural norms

Top 10 signs that you have a boundary issue to address

1. I can’t do this – I’m worried I can’t help the parties resolve this conflict.
2. I feel annoyed – Something about the client or situation is bothering me.
3. I feel too close – My empathy for the client might be turning into sympathy or the need to please a client.
4. I feel embarrassed – Something said in mediation has embarrassed me directly or indirectly.
5. I don't know what to say – I am not comfortable with silence.
6. I feel rushed – Parties want issues resolved quickly.
7. I want to fix this – I want the clients to have a resolution.
8. I am being pushed into a corner – The client wants me to adjust the process against my better judgement or take responsibility for their issue.
9. I feel pressured to laugh at a client's joke – The client might be trying to get you on their side.
10. My client is angry at me, and I'm getting angry – The client's typical conflict interaction patterns might be manifesting themselves in the mediation room.

What can you do as a practitioner?

First of all, consider whether your safety might be at risk. Read about safety for mediators and coaches. If you feel safe, decide how you will assert your boundaries. Speak to your peers in mediation to get some insights, while respecting your client's privacy and confidentiality. Learn about how to manage your own emotions in the situation to learn how to become confident as a mediator. Remember, you are a model for your client(s), so personal work is key to being a good mediator (How to become a mediator). If you have ideas to share with your colleagues, please add them to this blog. Thanks!

Industrial Relations - Conflict between companies and unions

What is industrial relations? 

An introduction to an area of dispute resolution in the workplace context.

The scenario is all too typical. You’re at a cocktail party and someone asks you about your profession. You tell them that you studied industrial relations and are now working in the area. Your interlocutor gives you the most puzzled look and then proceeds to ask:

“What’s industrial relations?”

Unfortunately, industrial relations is an esoteric term, known only in niche academic and professional circles. Put simply, it is a broad field of inquiry and practice dedicated to all facets of the employment relationship. The field strives to comprehend the experiences of employees and how these experiences are shaped by labor-management relations, human resource management practices, and public policies. It often addresses workplace conflict. They do so to understand how these forces shape outcomes for both employee well-being and organizational performance.

This is not to be confused with human resource management, a field focused mainly on managing people and organizational performance. The field of industrial relations is much larger than HR. According to a book by Bruce Kaufman  on the field’s history in the United Stated, industrial relations arguably originated in the 1920s. Its origins are rooted in two schools, the personnel management and institutional labor economics schools. The former focused on labor problems at the managerial level and the latter emphasized institutional contexts and public policy.

Today, the field of industrial relations in North America looks quite different. There are fewer business schools offering degrees explicitly in the area, and it appears that the field is being eclipsed to some extent by HR and organizational behavior. Nonetheless, the field of industrial relations is still experiencing considerable success. Many prominent programs are being offered by institutions such as Cornell’s ILR School, the University of Toronto’s Centre for Industrial Relations, the University of Montreal’s School of Industrial Relations, and Rutgers’ School of Management and Labor Relations. These Departments are actually engaged in a serious revitalization of the field, placing graduates in prominent business schools across the world who will reinvent the field.

This being said, as a North American, it is important to know that the field of industrial relations is very diverse, and extends beyond the experiences of Anglo-Saxon business and industrial relations departments. Many people studying sociology, economics, political science, and psychology consider themselves to be experts in industrial relations, focusing on aspects of the employment relationship which relate to their respective disciplines.

If we look abroad, we notice that the field of industrial relations has manifested itself differently across different countries and regions. Australian and British business schools are filled with industrial relations scholars. Meanwhile, Continental Europeans study industrial relations but do not associate themselves with the label. And they use a different lexicon to discuss issues pertaining to industrial relations, since their systems are so different. For example, Belgians understand wage-setting differently than we do largely because all Belgian wages are set through negotiations between companies and unions, while the vast majority of wages in Canada and the United States are set independently by the employer.

Having spoken about the degrees offered in industrial relations, what do industrial relations experts do? This is highly related to one’s personal interests and choice of specialization within the degree. Someone interested in labor-management relations may choose to be an expert negotiator and engage in collective bargaining, representing either a union or employer. On the other hand, those interested in human resource management may choose to work for a company, or opt to do consultancy work for private and public sector organizations. There are also those interested in public policy who would opt for a career in government.

This being said, there are many positive reasons to study industrial relations. Many speak of the benefits of getting master’s in industrial relations as an alternative to the now all too common MBA. Additionally, the placement rates of graduates from industrial relations programs are still considerably high and lucrative.

So, if you’ve been reading up until this point, you may be a bit more knowledgeable of what constitutes industrial relations and where the field is currently going. It's quite an interesting, and at times controversial, topic. Many industrial relations experts consider themselves to have dedicated their careers to improving the lives of workers. For this reason, they have a vested interest in the future of industrial relations as a field of inquiry and practice.

Sean, Industrial Relations Blogger

Sean O'Brady is a PhD student at the University of Montreal's School of Industrial Relations specializing in labor relations and the social regulation of economic security. He has worked with various policy teams at the Government of Canada, as well as numerous research initiatives, including his current role as a doctoral researcher with the Interuniversity Research Centre on Globalization and Work (CRIMT). He can be found binge-watching Netflix dramas with his beautiful wife during his off-hours.

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

How to Talk to Kids about Separation & Divorce

Do you want to learn how to help kids cope with divorce? Coping with divorce isn't easy for anyone, especially children. Read this blog about helping children cope with divorce.

Mediate2go: How to Talk to Kids about Separation & Divorce

How to cope with divorce - for parents

Telling children that their family will no longer live in the same home is one of the most difficult parts of ending a marriage or relationship. There’s no easy way to do it, but there are definitely better and worse ways.  How and what you say is definitely dependent on the age of your kids. 

Consider these DO’s and Don’t for pre-teen kids…

THE DON’Ts…

• Don’t tell lies or make promises you don’t have control over. “Daddy’s leaving but he’ll be back” sets them up for more pain down the road.
• Don’t give them information they can’t handle. Children do not benefit from knowing the details of who felt wronged by whom.
• Don’t say that Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore. This is in the TMI category; it makes children wonder if their parents will stop loving them one day.
• Don’t be negative or blaming of the other parent. This can be very HARD sometimes, but it is simply in the best interest of the children for each parent to support the other whenever possible in front of the children. I’m seeing a lot of parental alienation lately, with parents turning children against the other parent. It’s a very disturbing trend and is sure to lead to conflict escalation.
• Don’t ask the kids to choose a parent to believe, love, or live with. That’s a terrible position to put them in, and far too much power for a child to manage. Children need to feel free to love all the people who support them, whether you like them. In general, adults should make decisions about where children live.
• Don’t assume that they’re fine. If they don’t say a lot, ask them what they’re wondering about and feeling. Remember to practice your skills in active listening.

 The DO’s…

• Do tell them together if possible, in a caring, supportive way.
• Do tell them only when there will actually be changes that they will see. Young children who don’t have a sense of time will be confused if you say Mommy’s leaving and then she doesn’t. Tell them when you have information about what changes will be happening and when.
• Do tell them that it’s about Mommy and Daddy (or Daddy and Daddy, or Mommy and Mommy, of course), not about them. “Sometimes parents decide not to live in the same house anymore.  But we will both always be here for you.”
• Do answer their questions. In general, kids only ask questions they’re ready to hear the answers to. But be careful not to give negative information about the other parent (read the blog: don’t let fights go bad).
• Do help them explore what will be different or the same, what friend’s have had parents separate, and what they think they will need in order to make it as smooth a transition as possible. This can empower them to get what they need to manage in the difficult time ahead.
• Do minimize the number of changes in the child’s life. Splitting a family is one thing; moving schools or neighbourhoods is additional stress.
• Do watch the children closely for signs of stress (change in temperament, school struggles, shutting down or aggression) and seek professional advice if you need it.

Conclusion about Talking to Kids about Separation & Divorce

I believe that having children together is a good reason to work hard at a marriage, and I also believe in the right we all have to decide who we are married to. Read all about when to divorce, separate and mediate, or to try therapy. I believe that, more than needing parents to be together in the same home, children mostly need parents to be happy and mutually supportive. You have the power to give your children those gifts (be sure to read our blog on confidence and conflict resolution). These are just some ways to help children cope with divorce.

Coping with Divorce - Helping children cope with divorce

Lynda Martens is the Wabisabi Therapist and a contributor to the Mediateto Go Blog. Please read her other contributions by searching on this page for Lynda Martens.

Safety Update: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

Boundaries: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

This blog addresses safety, including: mediation and domestic violence, safety in court ordered mediation, safety in child custody mediation, mediation and family abuse and those with a history of spousal abuse. Note that this blog may also apply to family lawyers, legal aid lawyers, facilitators and restorative justice practitioners.

Mediate to Go: Boundaries: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

Introduction to safe practice

Regardless of the jurisdiction we work in, the risk of violence against mediators and conflict coaches is real. Some environments pose greater risk than others. Nevertheless, it’s time to take stock of our management of risk.

Violence in mediation and conflict coaching

Violence comes in a variety of forms and severity and sometimes so swiftly our next response can make a significant difference to our safety and those around us. If you want to learn more from a client’s perspective, read about destructive relationships.

Whilst we know that risk cannot be completely eliminated, we can fall into a trap of not planning for the inevitable. So if we accept that it is only when, not if, we will fall victim to a violent assault at the hands of a client, now becomes a good time to rethink our safety.

Mediation and coaching - a balance of safety and trust

Our work is a tricky balance of safety and trust.We work hard to empathize and build a strong professional relationship of trust with the people we serve. Here are some tips for you to consider. They are not golden rules, merely things to consider as you continually evaluate situations. The risk of developing hard-fast rules about safety is that we become complacent in a bubble of safety, and forget to be ready to react as the environment changes! We emphasize the importance of setting boundaries for our clients, but this blog is about the safety of us as coaches and mediators.

Mediate to Go: Boundaries: Safe practice for mediators and conflict coaches

What situations can pose the greatest risk? (Danger of the unknown)

• Clients who have already demonstrated the use of violence to gain power in a dispute may turn their technique of control on the practitioner. For example, if there is already a restraining order in place against a party.
• An already agitated and angry client mistakenly assesses your reality testing as a threat, resulting in an escalation of poor behaviour.
• A client with a worsening undiagnosed mental illness lashes out at the other party or practitioner.
• Our desire to work toward positive outcomes may provoke us to work outside the boundaries that normally ensure our safety.
• Field appointments to environments not fully assessed for safety may place the practitioner in danger.
• Constant exposure to highly charged situations, environments and personalities may make us less sensitive to our ability to assess safety and react to the normal fight or flight mechanism.

These simple tips can keep you from harm.

1. Client assessment - using your intuition and experience, or maybe a more comprehensive assessment from a psychologist or MD is required.
2. Healthy physical environments*.
3. Rooms with escape doors into a secure area (or safe room)
4. Peep holes so colleagues in the secure area can check on you. (and interrupt if necessary- see escape plan below)
5. Glass (obscured / frosted) strengthened walls in meeting rooms ensure some added visibility whilst maintain privacy.
6. Furniture that is so light that it could not make a good weapon, or so heavy (or connected to the floor) so it could not be used as a weapon.
7. Exclude unnecessary furniture and nic-nacs (Those flowers look lovely but that vase might hurt you!)
8. Use plastic cups and stationery water coolers for refreshments.
9. Design a seating plan so that you can have free access to the escape door.
10. Install alarm systems that warn your colleagues that there is a problem.
11. Employ static guards to be in the room.
12. Be sure that a loved one is aware of where you are when working
13. Never visit people in environments in which you have no control.
14. When you must work ‘in the field’ ensure that you work in pairs
15. When you work in the field utilise GPS / emergency call systems. 

These provisions might seem a trifle over the top in many situations. They are included as the ultimate in risk mitigation technique. Remember, if they seem impractical or too expensive to employ, your job is to do enough to ensure you are safe.

Conflict escalation and safety

Deal with escalations. Remain calm and de-escalate the emotion by building empathy – asking open questions to gather any new information. Remain respectful and be prepared to place limits on the other persons behaviour (“I’m sure we can begin to sort this. First, please take your seat and tell me about….” And “It’s ok to talk about this, so let’s do that about it without raising our voice”. (also, “I’m happy to continue discussing things, so long as you put the knife on the table”)

Read more about de-escalation in the helping profession. Also read about the science behind why some people demonstrate unhelpful behaviour at times of high emotion.

Remember these last tips about coach and mediator safety.

• Escape plan – practice it, review it, amend it, including if you have colleagues working with you, pre-arrange interruptions.
• Post incident process so that you learn from it so you can avoid it in the future.
• Have people around – what if you work alone? – Don’t work alone at night.
• Be consistent. Ensure your security provisions are the same for every client. Your clients deserve a no surprises approach to such things as static guards, the use of lockers for personal effects, seating plans.
• Self-defence – Best choice is to escape (run like the wind). If not, can you defend yourself from a violent attack?
• First aid – if someone is hurt, make sure you can render assistance and treat wounds.
• Don’t let ANY of the above give you a false sense of security! Remain vigilant.

Why is it important to get this right?

Self-preservation is a great motivator. Not convinced? Then consider,

• Income preservation – getting hurt or worse can affect your ability to earn an income.
• Practice continuity – a violent incident is going to interrupt services to your other clients.
• Valuable professional reputation – being unable to manage safety can have a detrimental effect on how others view your work.
• Safety of other clients and colleagues – if you get it wrong, they can be consequences for others.